Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Liars, Lawyers, Laura Loomer, and…Listeria?
How does it keep getting dumber and dumber every single week? Mathematically speaking, it shouldn’t be possible to get too terrifically much dumber than bragging about passing a cognitive test, or telling folks to inject disinfectant, but damned if we don’t just keep on spiraling downward. There has to be a bottom at some point…right?
Well, Merrick Garland’s nefarious persecution of a private citizen who only wanted to steal six or seven hundred pages of classified documents from the United States government continues apace, and I don’t even recognize my country anymore. Can somebody PLEASE explain to me, what’s the point of America’s vast intelligence apparatus, if not to enrich a single felonious game show host?
Thanks to the court-ordered release of the redacted affidavit used for the Marm-a-Lago raid, we learned a fair amount about what the shifty fucker stole: “184 unique documents bearing classification markings, including 67 documents marked as CONFIDENTIAL, 92 documents marked as SECRET, and 25 documents marked as TOP SECRET,” plus the Macho Man Randy Savage bobblehead Peter Strzok kept at his desk, and while it’s perhaps premature to jump to conclusions regarding the identity of the break room Lean Cuisine thief, let me just say I have suspicions.
Oh, and word is, Lil’ Donnie Dotard wants his bottom-of-the-barrel, strip-mall “lawyers” to get “his” docs back from th’feds. All of ‘em, apparently, including the (checks notes) nuclear state secrets. Considering the difficulties these Lionel Hutz wannabes are having with the more rudimentary aspects of their job, I’d scale back my expectations, bro. Maybe see if they can successfully deliver breakfast in bed without pouring Diet Pepsi on your Froot Loops before you go gettin’ greedy.
Wax museum escapee Rick Scott, eager to prove the doubters right in the wake of extremely public accusations of pissing millions of the National Republican Senatorial Committee’s hard-bilked dollars down the crapper, haughtily criticized President Biden for spending his weekends in Delaware…while vacationing in Italy, aboard a luxury yacht, like the regularest of Joes. Look, I wouldn’t presume to tell you creeps how to run your death cult, but maybe there’s like, a box you can click on LinkedIn that weeds out the medicare fraudsters?
I don’t quite understand how, but apparently, despite all the incest and treason, Rudy Giuliani still has friends, including one who sent Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot a letter requesting an all-encompassing pardon, $2.5 million, and, oh yeah, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Suddenly, I feel kinda insecure about my own relatively unambitious Xmas list. Tell ya what, Santa, let’s tack on a couple suitcases full of unmarked euros, and a beachfront bungalow someplace with no extradition treaty, but don’t think you’re off the hook for the train set or the Vosges sampler, either…come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I’m still owed that Ninja Turtle Blimp from 1991.
A recount of the recent abortion vote in Kansas confirmed the Republican base is comprised of credulous buffoons, willing to piss away enormous sums of money on doomed efforts to prove Alex Jones’ Second Theory of Objective Reality, (“nothing I don’t want to believe is true can possibly be true, provided I stamp my feet hard enough”) in addition to the indisputable, inescapable fact that they got their theocrat asses handed to them in this referendum. Have fun this coming November, dirtbags.
Speaking of which, I may need an entire spinoff blog just to chronicle all the staggering idiocy unfolding on the 2022 campaign trail, where the stupidest motherfuckers walking God’s green earth self-immolate hourly. My working title is “Things Republican Candidates Say That Would Get You Immediately Fired From Any Conceivable Hardee’s,” whaddya think?
In Georgia, Herschel Walker made a big play for the notoriously swingy People Who Despise Trees vote, compounding Senator Warnock’s problems with an electorate that has long perceived him as a puppet of Big Arboretum.
Meanwhile, Mehmet Oz, barely perceptible beneath the avalanche of mockery he brought down upon his own head with Cruditésgate, required several days and god knows how many political consultants to develop his new YEAH WELL YOU’RE FAT AND YOU HAD A STROKE counterstrategy, which I suppose will work as well as any of the quack remedies he’s proposed over the years.
As this cycle’s mouthbreathingest incumbent, Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson must be feeling intense pressure to keep up with all these brash, upstart morons, which may explain why he publicly confessed to joining the criminal conspiracy to overthrow the United States government, but only for, like, a little while.
I guess somebody finally told Blake Masters that Arizona’s birthing vessels, excuse me, Arizona’s “women” are still allowed to vote, (for now) so he made some hasty edits to his campaign website, erasing draconian abortion positions, no doubt imagining voters will ignore his well-documented extremism if he simply dons a sufficiently jaunty hat.
And while Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake “tries to run from (her) antisemitic ties,” Ron DeSantis sprints in the other direction, campaigning alongside Gab-wallowing white nationalist scumfuck Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania. Meanwhile, the Lügenpresse won’t tell you about the equivalent bigotry on the Left, probably because it stubbornly refuses to exist.
Well, after more than five decades of public service, Dr. Anthony Fauci announced his retirement, which you’d think would be welcome news to the ivermectin-chuggers who crafted a whole damn religion around loathing him, but no, they’re puking up more acid bile than ever, promising “accountability,” no doubt in the form of televised hearings, featuring the likes of Paul Gosar and Lauren Boebert, shrieking about hydroxychlorquine and the taxpayer-funded petting zoo he had constructed in Wuhan. Anyway, if anybody anywhere has earned a break, it’s America’s handsomest epidemiologist; that he didn’t throw up his hands and tell us all to go ahead and medicate at the feed store if we wanted to is a testament his character.
There was surprisingly little pushback from the GOP when President Biden referred to their careening resentment crusade as “semi-fascism,” likely because multiple prominent Republicans were tackled by their own comms staff before they could hit send on that WHO YOU CALLIN’ SEMI press release.
Incidentally, not only did the Darkest of All Possible Brandons pop the very last remaining vein in the Right’s collective forehead by announcing billions in student debt relief, he waited for the inevitable FILTHY TAKERRRRRRRRRRRRRZ shitfit before dropping receipts, in the form of many a yapping plutocrat hypocrite’s forgiven PPP loans. Diamond Joe’s been scraping Republicans off the heel of his boot longer than I’ve been alive.
Sensitive election files from Georgia and Michigan were shared with seemingly every drooling fuckwit on Mike Lindell’s email list, including a professional surfer, a delusional meteorologist, a “seduction and pickup coach,” a talking orangutan, Norm from Cheers, and the meth-addled bees that dwell in Sidney Powell’s cranium, further affirming conservatives’ longstanding commitment to information security.
Yet another prominent Trump campaign official has been arrested on charges of sexual abuse, an occurrence so commonplace, it hardly seems newsworthy anymore. This one’s called Perry Hooper Jr., and he hails from Alabama, that family values Shangri-La that gave us insurrectionist Mo Brooks, pedophile Roy Moore, and Jefferson Beauregard “Too Racist For the 80’s” Sessions III.
At this point in the blog, I’d like to ask any children, or adults with heart conditions to leave the room, for the time has come to gaze upon the cyclopean cosmic horror that is…the Florida Republican primary.
Temporarily unincarcerated child rapist Matt Gaetz cakewalked to victory, because of course the QAnon crowd are hypocrites about the one fucking thing they claim to care about. What sort of viscous marmot turd do you have to have for a soul to walk into a voting booth and fill in the bubble next to that sex-trafficking degenerate’s name? Voting for Matt Gaetz should land you on the no-fly list.
At least Luis Miguel, running on a “plan” to permit Floridians to murder federal law enforcement agents, lost his bid for a seat in the state House, along with his Twitter account. On the bright side, Miguel will now have plenty of time to pursue his other passions, such as Christian nationalism, and seeking the execution of Bill Gates.
Laura Loomer, who is subpar even by MAGA nation’s limbo-contest-in-the-Mariana-Trench standards, also lost, but only by single digits, because I guess “unusually shitty fascist” isn’t a deal-breaker anymore. It goes without saying she’s refusing to concede, and pledging to handcuff herself to…I dunno, something. She got more than 37,000 votes. To be a U.S. Representative. To write LAWS. Sleep tight.
In New York, Carl Paladino lost as well, though he certainly got more votes (and more endorsements from members of House GOP leadership) than anybody who praised Hitler really ought to get, ideally, in a country that doesn’t want to be governed by Hitler admirers, which I dearly hope still includes the one in which I reside.
Former Turd Reich capo Ryan Zinke can add “lying repeatedly to federal investigators” to his rap sheet, and though he remains the frontrunner for that new Montana congressional seat, one cannot help but wonder if his crimes, however plentiful, qualify as violent enough for the discerning MAGA electorate out in Big Sky Country.
Speaking, as we so frequently must, of the American Right’s growing propensity for violence, the IRS has deemed it necessary, amidst round-the-clock screeching about “87,000 armed, jackbooted thugs,” to conduct a comprehensive security review, and one wonders when the party of fiscal responsibility will protest the inevitable billions pissed away, likely for decades to come, protecting civil servants from the mob of misinformed maniacs unleashed by Rupert Murdoch’s well-compensated stable of terrorism inciters.
So, some unfathomable buttnugget apparently decided that what the proto-fascist Republican Party really deserves is not a thorough paddling and a century or two in timeout, but rather ONE POINT SIX BILLION DOLLARS in unaccountable “dark money,” to be dispensed without oversight, promoting the Federalist Society’s next wave of dominionist weirdos, who won’t stop repealing rights until we’re all quartering redcoats on our living room sofas.
Alas, none of that lunatic largess appears to be earmarked for Truth Social’s unpaid web hosting bills, although I have to say, if you’re foolish enough to go into business with Donald Trump at this late date, you don’t fucking deserve money.
Conservatives may not support your right to vote or read or control your own body, but the liberty to spread disease is goddamn sacrosanct. There’s actually a fairly straight line between their pandemic petulance and Tucker Carlson’s latest cause célèbre, an Amish farmer who just wants to poison customers with his listeria-laced raw milk in peace, the way the Founders intended. Honestly, if it doesn’t hurt anybody else, is it really even freedom?
…and yet, despite all the preceding madness and jagoffery, still we plummet dumbly further into the abyss of dumbness, ever denied the sweet oblivion of hitting rock bottom. Ah well, at least there’s beer. See you in a week, m‘loves, you stay safe out there.