- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Liars, Lawyers, Laura Loomer, and…Listeria?
How does it keep getting dumber and dumber every single week? Mathematically speaking, it shouldn’t be possible to get too terrifically much dumber than bragging about passing a cognitive test, or telling folks to inject disinfectant, but damned if we don’t just keep on spiraling downward. There has to be a bottom at some point…right?
Well, Merrick Garland’s nefarious persecution of a private citizen who only wanted to steal six or seven hundred pages of classified documents from the United States government continues apace, and I don’t even recognize my country anymore. Can somebody PLEASE explain to me, what’s the point of America’s vast intelligence apparatus, if not to enrich a single felonious game show host?
Thanks to the court-ordered release of the redacted affidavit used for the Marm-a-Lago raid, we learned a fair amount about what the shifty fucker stole: “184 unique documents bearing classification markings, including 67 documents marked as CONFIDENTIAL, 92 documents marked as SECRET, and 25 documents marked as TOP SECRET,” plus the Macho Man Randy Savage bobblehead Peter Strzok kept at his desk, and while it’s perhaps premature to jump to conclusions regarding the identity of the break room Lean Cuisine thief, let me just say I have suspicions.
Oh, and word is, Lil’ Donnie Dotard wants his bottom-of-the-barrel, strip-mall “lawyers” to get “his” docs back from th’feds. All of ‘em, apparently, including the (checks notes) nuclear state secrets. Considering the difficulties these Lionel Hutz wannabes are having with the more rudimentary aspects of their job, I’d scale back my expectations, bro. Maybe see if they can successfully deliver breakfast in bed without pouring Diet Pepsi on your Froot Loops before you go gettin’ greedy.
Wax museum escapee Rick Scott, eager to prove the doubters right in the wake of extremely public accusations of pissing millions of the National Republican Senatorial Committee’s hard-bilked dollars down the crapper, haughtily criticized President Biden for spending his weekends in Delaware…while vacationing in Italy, aboard a luxury yacht, like the regularest of Joes. Look, I wouldn’t presume to tell you creeps how to run your death cult, but maybe there’s like, a box you can click on LinkedIn that weeds out the medicare fraudsters?
I don’t quite understand how, but apparently, despite all the incest and treason, Rudy Giuliani still has friends, including one who sent Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot a letter requesting an all-encompassing pardon, $2.5 million, and, oh yeah, the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Suddenly, I feel kinda insecure about my own relatively unambitious Xmas list. Tell ya what, Santa, let’s tack on a couple suitcases full of unmarked euros, and a beachfront bungalow someplace with no extradition treaty, but don’t think you’re off the hook for the train set or the Vosges sampler, either…come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I’m still owed that Ninja Turtle Blimp from 1991.
A recount of the recent abortion vote in Kansas confirmed the Republican base is comprised of credulous buffoons, willing to piss away enormous sums of money on doomed efforts to prove Alex Jones’ Second Theory of Objective Reality, (“nothing I don’t want to believe is true can possibly be true, provided I stamp my feet hard enough”) in addition to the indisputable, inescapable fact that they got their theocrat asses handed to them in this referendum. Have fun this coming November, dirtbags.
Speaking of which, I may need an entire spinoff blog just to chronicle all the staggering idiocy unfolding on the 2022 campaign trail, where the stupidest motherfuckers walking God’s green earth self-immolate hourly. My working title is “Things Republican Candidates Say That Would Get You Immediately Fired From Any Conceivable Hardee’s,” whaddya think?
In Georgia, Herschel Walker made a big play for the notoriously swingy People Who Despise Trees vote, compounding Senator Warnock’s problems with an electorate that has long perceived him as a puppet of Big Arboretum.
Meanwhile, Mehmet Oz, barely perceptible beneath the avalanche of mockery he brought down upon his own head with Cruditésgate, required several days and god knows how many political consultants to develop his new YEAH WELL YOU’RE FAT AND YOU HAD A STROKE counterstrategy, which I suppose will work as well as any of the quack remedies he’s proposed over the years.
As this cycle’s mouthbreathingest incumbent, Wisconsin’s Ron Johnson must be feeling intense pressure to keep up with all these brash, upstart morons, which may explain why he publicly confessed to joining the criminal conspiracy to overthrow the United States government, but only for, like, a little while.
I guess somebody finally told Blake Masters that Arizona’s birthing vessels, excuse me, Arizona’s “women” are still allowed to vote, (for now) so he made some hasty edits to his campaign website, erasing draconian abortion positions, no doubt imagining voters will ignore his well-documented extremism if he simply dons a sufficiently jaunty hat.
And while Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake “tries to run from (her) antisemitic ties,” Ron DeSantis sprints in the other direction, campaigning alongside Gab-wallowing white nationalist scumfuck Doug Mastriano in Pennsylvania. Meanwhile, the Lügenpresse won’t tell you about the equivalent bigotry on the Left, probably because it stubbornly refuses to exist.
Well, after more than five decades of public service, Dr. Anthony Fauci announced his retirement, which you’d think would be welcome news to the ivermectin-chuggers who crafted a whole damn religion around loathing him, but no, they’re puking up more acid bile than ever, promising “accountability,” no doubt in the form of televised hearings, featuring the likes of Paul Gosar and Lauren Boebert, shrieking about hydroxychlorquine and the taxpayer-funded petting zoo he had constructed in Wuhan. Anyway, if anybody anywhere has earned a break, it’s America’s handsomest epidemiologist; that he didn’t throw up his hands and tell us all to go ahead and medicate at the feed store if we wanted to is a testament his character.
There was surprisingly little pushback from the GOP when President Biden referred to their careening resentment crusade as “semi-fascism,” likely because multiple prominent Republicans were tackled by their own comms staff before they could hit send on that WHO YOU CALLIN’ SEMI press release.
Incidentally, not only did the Darkest of All Possible Brandons pop the very last remaining vein in the Right’s collective forehead by announcing billions in student debt relief, he waited for the inevitable FILTHY TAKERRRRRRRRRRRRRZ shitfit before dropping receipts, in the form of many a yapping plutocrat hypocrite’s forgiven PPP loans. Diamond Joe’s been scraping Republicans off the heel of his boot longer than I’ve been alive.
Sensitive election files from Georgia and Michigan were shared with seemingly every drooling fuckwit on Mike Lindell’s email list, including a professional surfer, a delusional meteorologist, a “seduction and pickup coach,” a talking orangutan, Norm from Cheers, and the meth-addled bees that dwell in Sidney Powell’s cranium, further affirming conservatives’ longstanding commitment to information security.
Yet another prominent Trump campaign official has been arrested on charges of sexual abuse, an occurrence so commonplace, it hardly seems newsworthy anymore. This one’s called Perry Hooper Jr., and he hails from Alabama, that family values Shangri-La that gave us insurrectionist Mo Brooks, pedophile Roy Moore, and Jefferson Beauregard “Too Racist For the 80’s” Sessions III.
At this point in the blog, I’d like to ask any children, or adults with heart conditions to leave the room, for the time has come to gaze upon the cyclopean cosmic horror that is…the Florida Republican primary.
Temporarily unincarcerated child rapist Matt Gaetz cakewalked to victory, because of course the QAnon crowd are hypocrites about the one fucking thing they claim to care about. What sort of viscous marmot turd do you have to have for a soul to walk into a voting booth and fill in the bubble next to that sex-trafficking degenerate’s name? Voting for Matt Gaetz should land you on the no-fly list.
At least Luis Miguel, running on a “plan” to permit Floridians to murder federal law enforcement agents, lost his bid for a seat in the state House, along with his Twitter account. On the bright side, Miguel will now have plenty of time to pursue his other passions, such as Christian nationalism, and seeking the execution of Bill Gates.
Laura Loomer, who is subpar even by MAGA nation’s limbo-contest-in-the-Mariana-Trench standards, also lost, but only by single digits, because I guess “unusually shitty fascist” isn’t a deal-breaker anymore. It goes without saying she’s refusing to concede, and pledging to handcuff herself to…I dunno, something. She got more than 37,000 votes. To be a U.S. Representative. To write LAWS. Sleep tight.
In New York, Carl Paladino lost as well, though he certainly got more votes (and more endorsements from members of House GOP leadership) than anybody who praised Hitler really ought to get, ideally, in a country that doesn’t want to be governed by Hitler admirers, which I dearly hope still includes the one in which I reside.
Former Turd Reich capo Ryan Zinke can add “lying repeatedly to federal investigators” to his rap sheet, and though he remains the frontrunner for that new Montana congressional seat, one cannot help but wonder if his crimes, however plentiful, qualify as violent enough for the discerning MAGA electorate out in Big Sky Country.
Speaking, as we so frequently must, of the American Right’s growing propensity for violence, the IRS has deemed it necessary, amidst round-the-clock screeching about “87,000 armed, jackbooted thugs,” to conduct a comprehensive security review, and one wonders when the party of fiscal responsibility will protest the inevitable billions pissed away, likely for decades to come, protecting civil servants from the mob of misinformed maniacs unleashed by Rupert Murdoch’s well-compensated stable of terrorism inciters.
So, some unfathomable buttnugget apparently decided that what the proto-fascist Republican Party really deserves is not a thorough paddling and a century or two in timeout, but rather ONE POINT SIX BILLION DOLLARS in unaccountable “dark money,” to be dispensed without oversight, promoting the Federalist Society’s next wave of dominionist weirdos, who won’t stop repealing rights until we’re all quartering redcoats on our living room sofas.
Alas, none of that lunatic largess appears to be earmarked for Truth Social’s unpaid web hosting bills, although I have to say, if you’re foolish enough to go into business with Donald Trump at this late date, you don’t fucking deserve money.
Conservatives may not support your right to vote or read or control your own body, but the liberty to spread disease is goddamn sacrosanct. There’s actually a fairly straight line between their pandemic petulance and Tucker Carlson’s latest cause célèbre, an Amish farmer who just wants to poison customers with his listeria-laced raw milk in peace, the way the Founders intended. Honestly, if it doesn’t hurt anybody else, is it really even freedom?
Lordy.
…and yet, despite all the preceding madness and jagoffery, still we plummet dumbly further into the abyss of dumbness, ever denied the sweet oblivion of hitting rock bottom. Ah well, at least there’s beer. See you in a week, m‘loves, you stay safe out there.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Hay them there papers is worth a lot of money to the right people.
Look how much the Saudis payed for only 3 or 4 of them.
On what the Jews have that might have that makes a big boom.
Or did they give him the money to get into Trump U..
An inside informer said that the whole point of keeping the trove of classified documents was to shore up XPOTUS’ proposal for him to MC a new version of the classic game show “I’ve Got A Secret.”
Hoo boy you would think the shit would thin out a bit but it just isn’t going to happen…I can’t even imagine living in these people’s heads, so mad all the time, so self-righteous and hypocritical. What a maddening stew they’ve got going. Thanks for helping me laugh about a large part of it Cap. I can’t wait for November. Yes please do the spin-off. The way you do your thing I know it will be even more hi-larious than just reading about it bit by awful bit.
I’m stealing the term “buttnugget,” hope you don’t mind, it’s pure perfection. Fascists are more than ready to destroy this country, but we won’t let them!
Just wait until Roevember, Cap, for evidence of that turning tide.
‘Cap, you’ve done it again! The picture of ‘Diamond Joe’ scraping Republicans off his boot heel will no doubt keep me chuckling for at least the next week…time enough for your next installment.
I swear, if you did this blog say, 2 more times a week I’d happily give up all other sources of ‘news’. My wife would be infinitely happier too as the image of me sitting on the couch laughing out loud as I read your column is much less disturbing than the one of me in my undies screaming at CNN on the teevee!
Keep up the good work…now more than ever we need you!
I second this. This week’s entry was over and above. I so appreciate Mr. Cap’s time spent on these every week. I do hope he has some pleasant experiences in-between writing these.
“Wax museum escapee Rick Scott” I did actually laugh out loud. This is so spot on.
Maggot defenders, claim that their King Kult 45, did not realize he was stealing our biggest secrets. During the Violent Transition Of Power, Jan. 2021, it was a “haphazard and chaotic” time as Maggots were busy trying to destroy our Democracy with a fascist insurrection and political assassinations. But the Traitor Donald had been stealing secrets for years. We should assume he had been selling those secrets for years.
It is reported that he had always carefully looked for the most valuable secrets and he routinely saved those secrets. When he left DC, he personally managed and selected which things to steal. In his Florida Country Club, he personally went through these secrets. Apparently, Top Secret Documents were hidden with junk, and everything was protected by a padlock, accessible by secret tunnels. Very clever. Of course, the Turd Maggot cannot read and he cannot carry a box with his little fingers, so he had help. Maybe fingerprints on the documents will reveal his fellow traitors. We should also assume, other secrets have been hidden and not yet discovered.
Another reason to steal USA secrets? Use as “Graymail”. It has been tried by other traitors, not too successfully, the deal is, the Traitor will threaten to reveal the most valuable or damaging secret information, if prosecuted. Of course we can expect that from Lord of the Maggot Flies. He is a known Russian Spy. He needs protection, and the stolen secrets are protection. Put it on your Bingo Treason Card. I can hardly wait.
You know, Cap, I was seriously sorry when Trump lost the election because I was afraid that you wouldn’t have anything to write about and I seriously loved laughing with your blog. Boy was I wrong. And I’m sorry about that. On the other hand, thank you for continuing the good fight and helping us to peruse the news with a less than suicidal outlook. As always, take care of yourself. We obviously are going to need you for the foreseeable future…and I’m sorry about that also. Thank heavens you’re made of sturdy stuff.
Thanks, Cap for another therapy session, with enough mockery that I won’t slit my wrists just yet. I liked the post making the rounds of Lieutenant Colombo aka Peter Falk looking into the camera and asking, “I’m sorry. You said the files were planted, and now you want them back?”
It surprises me that the media has completely ignored the fact that the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia gave Jared over 2 BILLION dollars and over 1 BILLION to Steve Mnuchin. What was the Prince paying for? The right still goes nuts about Hunter’s laptop and the 3 or 4 million he made with Chinese businesses, but have no concern about 3 BILLION given to those 2 Trumpers?
Ah Cap, the Lionel Hutz wannabes reference just slayed me.
Well done, Sir!!!
“There has to be a bottom at some point…right?”
Shower Cap, you optimist, you!
Some day in the future scientists will determine (perhaps with their new space telescope, who knows) the ultimate, absolute bottom of everything, the point at which nothing in existence can go lower than.
While inspecting said point, interested observers will look down and see republicans staring up at them through binoculars.
Large, extremely powerful binoculars. . .
Sadly, I must opine that the answer to your amusing question is a firm and resounding, “NO!” Not for the Repugnicans, who have repeatedly and enthusiastically shown that nothing is below them, and not for the so-called ‘christian’ evangelists, or nationalists, or dominionists, or whatever they’re calling themselves nowadays. Neither group believes in anything but power, and in pursuit of that power they will, quite literally, do anything.
Sacrifice anything, and indeed anyone, on the altars of what they consider to be ‘necessity’, no matter how much blood they spill. As long as it’s other people’s blood, of course. Seriously, can you imagine Marge T. Greene or ‘Gym’ Jordan sacrificing themselves for anything or anyone?
Other than that one question, though, this week’s effort was top-notch.
Still think the new era doesn’t require two blogs a week any more?
Your fan 4evah,
Henry Rinehart
This one is a star among stars. Thank you so much!
More Breaking News for Rich White Racist Russian Spies. Trump owns a Federal Judge.
Judge Aileen Cannon was appointed by the Trump. This Federal Judge has joined the Trump Crime Syndicate. She is Obstructing Justice with more delays and wants to assist the Turd Maggot with “Graymail”. The FBI is required to reveal the Trump secrets by next Tuesday. Cannon is helping a Russian Spy, Maggot King Trump, who revealed the identity of US Agents, and some have been killed. Cannon wants a “Filter Team” and a “Special Master” who will return to Trump, the secrets that he stole. DELAY, DISTRACT, AND DECEIVE. Cannon wants the list of Secrets for herself. Maybe she is a Russian Spy.
“Cannon also directed the Justice Department to file under seal with her more detailed descriptions of the material taken from Trump’s property.”
https://www.sfgate.com/news/article/Judge-plans-to-appoint-special-master-in-Trump-17402609.php
Here’s my little contribution:
WHEN ABORTION WAS ILLEGAL THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE WERE BORN:
DONALD TRUMP, STEVE BANNON, MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, ALEX
JONES, TED CRUZ, JOSH HAWLEY, MITCH McCONNEL, JIM JORDAN,
RON de SANTIS, GREG ABBOT, PILLOW MAN, DAVID DUKE, LIAR TUCK,
RUPERT MURDOCH, VLADIMIR PUTIN, RUDI GUILIANI ETC. ETC. ETC…
I REST MY CASE
Please never die Showercap, or the sane world will die with you.