Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ghost Buses and Kidney Punches: America is Finally Great Again
Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here?
Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House,” well, I confess I don’t want my entire existence to be crushed. I don’t want any of my existence to be crushed, honestly…except maybe those pesky love handles that always manifest around the holidays, amirite?
I dunno, maybe it’s these plans I keep reading about, to construct Stephen Miller’s Barbie Dream Concentration Camps, or amass an army of 54,000 goose-stepping Constitution-shredders to staff the federal government, but it definitely feels a little fashy in here. Maybe I should put on a sweater.
With the apparatchiks tending to the burdensome details of dismantling democracy, Off-Brand Orbán’s days are free for recreational activities, such as golf, and stochastic terrorism. Indeed, Wee Don asked MAGA Claus for a long list of assassinations, excuse me, “citizen’s arrests” this year, and he’s adding to it all the time.
For example, I’m still not sure what Judge Engoron’s clerk did to land her recurring role in the Two Minutes Hate, (presumably she’s been mouthing “Ivanka will never fuck you” throughout the proceedings) but the Dotard sure is trying real, real hard to set her up with Cult45’s next aspiring hammer-wielding psycho, whoever that may be.
As you’ve probably noticed, alongside all this authoritarianism and political violence, anti-Semitism is on the rise, which is surely one of those zany, one-in-a-million coincidences. I wouldn’t worry about it. Why, who can forget Donald’s heartwarming Rosh Hashanah message just two short months ago?
Ben Shapiro was shocked, shocked to hear anti-Israel sentiments expressed by Candace “Hitler got a bad rap” Owens. Nobody tell Ben how his buddies Tucker Carlson and Charlie Kirk’ve been talking; it’s best he remains as ignorant of the true intentions of the movement he’s enabled as he is of rudimentary reproductive biology.
Meanwhile, advertisers seem curiously underappreciative of Elon Musk’s bigot-amplifying strategy, either because of the nefarious manipulations of the Anti-Defamation League and their eeeeeeeeeeevil allies at Media Matters, or because they’re simply not geniusy enough to see the profit potential in associating their brands with pro-Nazi content.
Mere weeks after his feral caucus devoured his predecessor for passing a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, soon-to-be-former Speaker Mike Johnson passed a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, so I guess the intervening pandemonium served no function beyond destroying Kevin McCarthy’s career in excruciatingly humiliating fashion, which…I’m completely okay with, actually.
Reactions varied, however. Chip Roy, for example, pitched another of his famous C-SPAN shitfits. “We’re somehow even dumber and less competent without Louie Gohmert!” bellowed the Chipster, “HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?!?”
Anyway, since the whole “governing” thing hasn’t worked out, congressional Republicans have fallen back on the one thing the modern American Right does genuinely well: violence.
McCarthy (allegedly) revenged his un-Speakering upon an unsuspecting Tim Burchett’s kidneys, in a Capitol hallway, in front of reporters, showing off those next-level people skillz that made his brief tenure atop the House so famously productive.
(According to Adam Kinzinger, Kevin’s been deploying these plausibly deniable drive-by body check tactics for some time now, which I bet surprises you a whole lot.)
Even more masculine n’ impressive was Oklahoma Senator/emotionally-stunted manchild Markwayne Mullin, who tried to start a fistfight during a Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee hearing. Immediately following his juvenile outburst, Markwayne embarked upon the traditional wingnut media tour, blustering on about how much he can bench press until he tuckered himself out, demanded a juice box, and curled up in the fetal position for an overdue nap.
In contrast with Mullin’s mega-manly manfulness, beta cuck James Comer could only feebly stammer “Y-yeah, well you’re a S-S-Smurf” when Democrat Jared Moskowitz mocked his rank hypocrisy. Little twerp can’t even do toxic masculinity right.
It was at this point, right when you figured Republicans had finally reached rock bottom, dignity-wise, that Clay Higgins began ranting about “ghost buses,” alleging an FBI plot to convey legions of antifa false flaggers to the Capitol riot via automotive apparitions. Because he is insane, and very, very, very stupid.
Shit, the week saw so much congressional cray-cray, Marjorie Taylor Greene couldn’t break through to the front page, and she not only had one of her trademark “lookit how dumb Marj is” exchanges with FBI Director Wray, but also threatened a Cabinet secretary after failing to impeach him. The Republican lunacy market is actually tremendously competitive.
Well, I hope you’re happy, you puritanical scolds, all your prudish fussing about “ethics” and “campaign finance violations” finally drove George Santos out of public service! Sure, he’s broken more laws than any three Mafia families, but honestly, wouldn’t the world be a better place if more Republican donor money got funneled to Botox and OnlyFans rather than filling the courts with Federalist Society weirdos?
Having proved the doubters wrong by showing the world his surprisingly real, non-Canadian girlfriend, Tim Scott suspended his significantly less real presidential campaign, which no one will remember by this time next month.
While Tim is out, the QAnon Shaman is in, announcing a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, on a platform of Better Chow For Incarcerated Terrorists, setting up a potential debate with Blake Masters, which would surely be held in one of those evangelical church’s hell houses.
Speaking of Arizona, apparently Kari Lake’s tackin’ towards the center in her Senate run…or trying to, anyhow. What does “moderate” Kari Lake even look like? “Oh, Joe Biden didn’t steal the election, he just borrowed it, and forgot about it in the back of the garage.”
Look, I’m not about to welcome Jenna Ellis to the Resistance or anything, but if she wants to keep puking up bile all over the Trump clan’s shoes, I certainly won’t stand in her way. If she keeps testifying about Turd Reich officials saying shit like “The boss is not going to leave under any circumstances…we are just going to stay in power,” I suppose she can come to ONE party. And maybe even help herself to the vegetable tray, but the cheese plate is for people who understood overturning elections was wrong without getting indicted.
Devin Nunes has somehow managed to steer ivermectin influencer safe space Truth Social to $31 million in losses, an unanticipated setback for an accomplished leader who rose to prominence by losing a fight to an imaginary internet cow.
Seems there’s a “fresh” new influencer keeping it “lit” on TikTok: Osama bin Laden! All the kewl kids agree, Osama’s Letter to America is “fire” and they’d totes invite him over to “Netflix and chill” any day, because radical Islamic terror “slaps!”
The latest pocket of American Christofascism popped up Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where they actually made it illegal to be homosexual in public, another example of the laboratories of kakistocracy testing the limits of the 6-3 theocrat SCOTUS majority. Anyway, Murfreesboro is now considered a strong frontrunner to host the RNC, CPAC, and several Republican Senators’ granddaughters’ cotillions.
Incidentally, following a cascade of scandals, the Supreme Court issued a toothless, perfunctory ethics code, which stipulates Clarence Thomas must financially reimburse Harlan Crow for any human beings he hunts for sport in Harlan’s creepy dictator sculpture garden.
Checking in on the War on Xmas, news from the front is mostly positive, as Operation: Jade Helm, But With Gay Nutcrackers appears to have caught the enemy completely off guard.
Heads up, there will be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, as I will be observing the holiday, by giving thanks for the rare opportunity to spend a few days without pouring MAGA poison into my brain. I will also give thanks for everyone who joins the email list at showercapblog.com or follows @john_luzar at the Bad Place, and especially to everyone who donates to the Beer Fund, temporarily reimagined as the Beer and Pie Fund.
So, until we meet again in December, you stay safe out there, friend. Holiday travel can be perilous; you never know when you might find yourself trapped on a airplane with a barefoot anti-vaxxer.