Well, of the 417 weeks I’ve been operating this blog site, this was surely the healthiest one yet, political culture-wise.

Sooooooooo…you’re here for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but it’s definitely a bit of a ”But doctor…I am Pagliacci” mood around here.

I’ve been writing about Charlie Kirk for years, and I stand by what I’ve written. I think he did a tremendous amount of harm to this country, but I wonder if this Tyler Robinson kid won’t ultimately give him a serious run for his money in that department.

Yeah, man. Political violence in an age of ascendant authoritarianism? Not a fan. I’ve shit my pants in terror so many times this week, I ironically feel closer to President Trump than I ever have. I’d actually appreciate his insight regarding the most comfortable and absorbent adult diaper brands.

See? Unity. I believe it was old Ben Franklin who said, “The incontinence that visits us all in both the dawn and twilight hours of our lives is stronger than any bloodthirst.” Don’t hold me to that. Might’ve been John Jay.

On the other hand, many on the MAGA Right saw the week’s events as the long-sought excuse to begin the violent purge of the Left they’ve been asking Santa for since they were mere incelets. I say teach the controversy.

Jokes…joooooooookes…it’s challenging, is all I’m sayin’.

Okay, the President of the United States, the suddenly second-richest person alive, and a grown-ass man who calls himself “Catturd” walk into a bar aaaaaaaaaand use their massive platforms to incite violence targeting their political opponents. See? It falls apart there at the end.

What abooooouuuuuut…how many opportunistic fascist pundits does it take to screw in a light bulb and/or provoke lone wolf stochastic terrorism in the name of “vengeance”? Good for a nervous chuckle while you browse the internet for deals on deadbolt locks and perimeter cameras?

At least we had Kash Patel to teach us to laugh again. If that little shit’s dad hadn’t turned him in, I have no doubt Kash would still be trapped in his sad, sloppy WE GOT HIM/JUST KIDDING cycle when the fucking sun goes out.

“This is what happens when you let good cops be cops,” Patel preened, after accomplishing precisely fuckall during the investigation of the assassination that occurred on his watch in a state where he’d just fired the field director.

Anyway, nobody tell Kash that Valhalla is not, as he apparently believes, the Viking afterlife for incompetent flunkies. It’s better if it’s a surprise.

Clay Higgins offered some creative suggestions for a few asterisks to tack onto the First Amendment. I dunno, Congressman, getting kicked off social media for life sounds like a goddamn blessing right now, but I’m worried about a slippery slope scenario where I wind up banned from the Ghost Bus for wrongthink.

Well, as much fun as I’ve had dwelling on my country’s potential descent into sectarian violence, surely there’s something less depressing in today’s newspaper. Let’s seeeeeeeee….

“Evergreen High School shooter embraced Columbine, antisemitism and white supremacy online”

Right. The school shooting that happened essentially simultaneously with the political assassination. Almost forgot.

…shoulda started a cat blog, is what I shoulda done. I’d be gatekeeping that shit by now. “Sorry, Purrgess Meredith, I’ve seen way cuter collisions with pet doors that turned out to be locked.”

Y’know, a kitten wouldn’t let Vladimir Putin violate a NATO ally’s airspace. A kitten would bat those drones right out of the sky and then take a dump on the Kremlin floor. That’s right, America’s so-called “strongman” is in truth weaker than a kitten. It’s proven. By logic.

Russian drones over Poland, and the President and his Secretary of WAR NOT DEFENSE ARE YA TRIGGERED LIB can’t even be bothered to leave a restaurant where they’re being actively heckled. “Sure, it’s an unprecedented attack on the post-WWII international order, but something about the way they’re calling me Hitler reminds me of JD.”

The restaurant outing was meant to show off how crime-free n’ squeaky clean D.C. is now after Operation: Mulching at Gunpoint. Why, there’s no crime at all in the whole dang city unless you count domestic violence, which you shouldn’t, according to the grab-‘em-by-the-pussy guy, who the American electorate, in their wisdom, reinstalled.

Anyway, this is great news for the domestic abusers of Memphis, TN, who will be exempt from the impending military crackdown. Seems like he’s backing down, for the moment anyway, from his threats to invade my beloved Chicago, fashy Apocalypse Now memes notwithstanding. Perhaps he simply enjoyed seeing his head atop Robert Duvall’s svelte, cankle-free physique.

Well, the Epstein Files remain safe n’ sound in Pam Bondi’s desk or Fort Knox or wherever, thanks to the pedo-whipped Party o’ Lincoln. Just to correct some disinformation, though: sure, that LOOKS like Donald Trump’s signature in the pubic region of that unspeakably creepy page from that one child sex trafficker’s “birthday book,” but I assure you it was written with Joe Biden’s autopen.

I imagine Mike Johnson spends a great deal of his time struggling to draw comfort from the Bible’s technical lack of specificity on the morality of shielding a child molester. I-IT NEVER ACTUALLY SAYS THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UP A BULLSHIT STORY WHERE A PEDOPHILE IS SECRETLY AN FBI INFORMANT!

That shit won’t fly, Mike. Not in Valhalla.

Starting to think Scott Bessent only accepted the Treasury Secretary gig to sneak his way onto the upcoming White House UFC card. Only question at this point is will his opponent be Elon Musk or Bill Pulte?

Assuming Pulte survives his encounter with Scotty the Body, he can apologize to Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, now that his mortgage fraud accusations have been decisively debunked by documentation. Yep, I bet that’s what happens. He’ll climb aboard the traditional MAGA flying apology pig and repent his slanders. Any day now. Two weeks.

Tom Hanks’ decades-long advocacy for the suckers and losers will no longer be honored by West Point’s alumni association. TAKE THAT, WOKENESS! You shove your Saving Private Ryan AND your Band of Brothers AND your (criminally underrated) Greyhound AND ESPECIALLY all the money he’s raised for veterans’ charities up your wokester ass! In THIS household we worship draft-dodging valor thieves who deploy troops on American streets without arranging housing first!

Howard Lutnick says pay no attention to the rural hospital closings and the skyrocketing grocery prices and the surging unemployment (all of which were predicted by every economist whose name isn’t an anagram of an administration official’s); Trumpanomics doesn’t start for real until the end of this year, when the nation’s children launch an unprecedented wave of entrepreneurship to buy the Xmas presents their parents could no longer afford.

Seems the Robert Court is so impressed with all the fun ways the Turd Reich has been abusing their terrifying new powers, they’ve decided to allow ‘em to racially profile people, too. As a treat. So if you find yourself arrested, detained in an Alligator Alcatraz-like concentration camp, or even deported to a Salvadoran torture gulag, I hope you understand that Amy Coney Barrett is not imposing her values on you.

While Linda McMahon clearly hasn’t had this much fun since her rapist husband’s steroid trial, perhaps we should postpone the dismantling of the Department of Education until her compatriots at the Department of Energy can spend some time with the chapter of the grade school science textbook that explains what batteries are.

Watching Brazil hold its vanquished wannabe autocrat legally accountable for his crimes against democracy, what can you say but IS THERE ROOM ON YOUR COUCH? I WILL PAY 85% OF THE RENT. I WILL CLEAN THE BATHROOMS. I WILL BRAID YOUR BACK HAIR IF YOU’RE INTO THAT. Basically anything anyone ever did for a Klondike Bar I will do a hundred thousandfold for a chance to live in a stable democracy.

Okay, I have no doubt I missed a ton of stuff this week (we didn’t move any aircraft carrier groups off the coast of Greenland or anything, did we?) and I apologize, but I am fuckin’ BEAT, friends.

But the good news is, the new comic book is closer than ever! Why, looka here, if it isn’t a KICKSTARTER PRELAUNCH PAGE!

Sign up to be notified on launch! You’re gonna love it; it’s right up your alley, assuming you’ve been reading these little rants of mine with any regularity.\

In the meantime, OH MY GOD I NEED A DRINK, so if anybody feels like dropping a few bucks in my beer jar, I won’t tackle you or anything. It’s a jar for tips to buy beer with (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!), not a jar to drink beer from. Just for the record.

OH, ALSO: next week, I will be attending a music festival on Friday to partake of the thrilling new form the kids’re calling “rock and roll.” So the blog will come…I dunno, a day early or a day late; I haven’t decided yet. Just a heads-up. Stay safe out there, chum!