Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Fox, Facebook, and Other Monsters Under America’s Bed
Hey, before we get started tonight, a quick pro tip for the savvy news consumer: laminate the daily paper before reading it; that way, when one of the many stories of ascendant American fascism inevitably causes you to projectile vomit, you don’t render unread portions illegible with puke; simply wipe clean and proceed to the next article, which is about Ivanka opening a nationwide puppy mill chain, probably.
Call it the Great Resignation, call it a serendipitously decentralized unofficial nationwide labor strike, shit, call it the McRib if you want; a year and a half of isolation and introspection led the American workforce to collectively conclude there’s likely more to life than pissing our best years away in shit jobs for shit wages just to enable the DeVoses of the world to while away sunny afternoons, daydreaming about innovative yacht storage solutions.
So yeah, the labor market is fairly wonky at the moment, but the solution remains as simple as it is obvious: just raise wages, you greedy fucks. ‘Course, if that happens, maybe all us serfs’ll start getting uppity ideas, like that we’re human beings, worthy of dignified lives, rather than farm animals to be exploited or lab rats to be fiddled with for amusement. Anyhow, Wisconsin Republicans’ opposition to a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work has become so fervent, they’re actually trying to roll back child labor laws rather than pay folks what their work is worth, which is surely the most populist thing this side of a golden toilet bowl full of billionaire turds.
Well, it’s home stretch time in Virginia’s gubernatorial election, and Republican Glenn Youngkin can apparently muster no greater closing argument than trotting out a known book-burning advocate masquerading as a mathematically-average American mom who is Just Concerned™️ about the dangers of exposing pure, young, white minds to the works of Toni Morrison, because government isn’t supposed to solve problems, you dummy, just perpetuate the outrage cycle feeding/distracting an easily-misled electoral base with culture war horsepoo while the wealthy quietly rob us all blind. Vote McAuliffe, if you’re able.
I see it is once again time for America’s wingnut death cult to ceremonially fete Ron DeSantis for “successfully” murdering his way through the pandemic. Having repeated this ritual so many times already, they’ve gotten really quite good at it; the congregation has grown perfectly comfortable ignoring all the newly-empty pews and fresh graves beneath the revival tent; the virus has eaten its fill and moved on, and no freedumb was sacrificed…only lives.
And now, Mad Emperor Ron-Ron proposes paying $5,000 bonuses (likely drawn from funds he’s stolen from school districts that insisted on prioritizing student health over his personal lust for cultist clout) to lure to Florida cops who quit their jobs in other states rather than comply with vaccine mandates, which, okay, is a little bit like posting a call for brownshirts on LinkedIn, but I’m sure nothing but cupcakes and bunny butts will come of deliberately fostering a culture of petulant, lawless opposition to the public good in our increasingly-militarized law enforcement communities.
Blockbuster new reporting from Rolling Stone reveals organizers of the Capitol Riot actually planned that seditious shit with STILL-SITTING MEMBERS OF CONGRESS, which, my God, somehow failed to land like what it is: earth-shaking news about one of the two or three most important events in American history. Because flooding the zone with shit works.
Why isn’t this the only thing anyone anywhere is talking about? I mean, Real-Life Christian Szell Paul Gosar apparently went so far as to promise the rioters a “blanket pardon” in the restored Reich to come. And it’s the We Can Haz Fascism? crew from this article, Gosar, Brooks, Boebert, Gohmert, Cawthorn, and Taylor-Greene, who’re taking over the GOP, while increasingly rare dissenters like Cheney and Kinzinger are made to walk the plank, to the jeers of the bloodthirsty.
Cool caucus you got there, Kev…no wonder you’ve got faceless backbenchers like…hang on, what’s this little jagoff’s name again? Blanks? Banks? Whatever, just another craven dirtbag angling for his 15 minutes of MAGA stardom by maliciously misgendering Assistant Secretary of Health Rachel Levine. The cruelty, as you may’ve heard, is the whole dang point.
Meanwhile, no haunted house, not even those screwy religious ones, can hold a candle to the horrors glimpsed behind the curtain at Facebook, that nightmarish, predatory, alternate reality where ethics simply are not a thing.
It’s staggering to contemplate the amount of harm these sociopathic nerds have caused, and yet, the full extent of their self-reflection truly seems limited to:
“Hey, our ultra-contagious brain parasite just developed yet another brand-new way to inflict human suffering on a scale that puts Stalin to shame; should we maybe, I dunno…stop doing that thing?”
“Will we make less money if we stop doing the thing?”
Zuck is pretty much the polar opposite of Peter Parker, y’know? Anyway, a quick, clumsy rebrand, as Diet Cherry Disinformation or some shit, made all his problems disappear in a vanilla-scented puff of gaslight; why, I’ve almost forgotten the name of the country where his hellsite actively facilitated acts of genocide nope that’s a lie it’s still Myanmar.
Like, everybody’s mad at Jeff Bezos for going to space; I’m more concerned with those who invest their billions in gasoline for the world’s many fires. Like Zuckerberg. And Rupert Murdoch, who decided to legitimize the Deposed Dotard’s latest mewling, Big-Lie-spreading tantrum with placement on the op-ed page of the prestigious Wall Street Journal, one of those fancypants “newspaper” thingies you see spinning around all over the place in those fancypants old movies.
And if that’s what Rupert’s doing with his classy, “respectable” brand, it really shouldn’t surprise us that no advertiser boycott can shake his devotion to broadcasting Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, which functions, on a practical level, as night school for aspiring white nationalist radicals.
Incidentally, for anyone feeling worn out after all the homework during the recent Why Viktor Orbán is the Sexxxiest of All Possible Autocrats unit, rest easy, cuz it’s MOVIE WEEK! Yes, Fish Stix Hitler announced a three-part television event dedicated to further embiggening the Big Lie by claiming the Capitol Riot was a “false flag” operation designed to make Trumpism look like a movement of crazed, thuggish proto-Nazis, as though any aid is required on that front.
…I’m just saying, we’d probably be better off if more rich guys just wanted to fulfill childhood astronaut fantasies. Honestly, if Murdoch and his ilk could only content themselves with hunting us for sport, one at a time, on private estates where the rule of law is a polite joke…like, I dunno, that seems like a fair compromise, maybe. We could have, like, a lottery or something.
Because this strategy of trickle-down hatred…it fucking WORKS, folks. Look no further than the event for Charlie Kirk’s grotesque little Trumpler Youth organization, where a reasonably normal, clean-cut-looking young white fellow calmly asked, “when do we get to use the guns” on…whoever this one had been trained to hate; Democrats, BLM, Soros, Stacys, black-helicopter-piloting globalist Colin Kaepernick clones, who can say, really? The point is, he’s been a good, patient boy, and he’d very much like to start to committing murders now.
Isn’t that neat? Just a dude asking, in front of God and the whole ever-lovin’ world, “say, isn’t it about time to start passing out armbands and long knives?” as casually as if he were wondering aloud whether or not those really soft throw blankets would get their customary Black Friday discount at Target this year.
Out in Idaho, a racist, open-carry-obsessed felon named Jacob Bergquist didn’t wait for permission, he just wandered over to the local shopping mall to take his best stab at mass murder. See, that’s the thing about these rabbit holes; while they’re designed with no bottom, there’s always an off-ramp for anybody who feels ready to take the plunge into violence. (That off-ramp is America’s deeply insane gun policy, for the curious.)
And think of the message being sent to every starry-eyed, wannabe white boy mass-shooter by the obscene Calvinball rules set by the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial. From permission structure to institutionalized exoneration, (remember Gosar’s promised pardons?) we’re seeing a real vertical integration approach to white nationalist terrorism from the GOP; imagine if they’d redirect all that effort into ending the pandemic, or fighting climate change, or…fuck it, stamp collecting.
What else, what ellllllllse…oh yeah, we learned a little more about Richard Burr’s clever little pandemic profiteering scheme; no reason an enterprising young U.S. Senator shouldn’t line his pockets while lying thousands of his constituents into early graves, right? So long as he dutifully acquiesces to the steady chipping-away of American democracy’s pillars, of course.
On a brighter note, we just wrapped up work on the latest comic, ODD YARNS, and sent it to the printer! The Kickstarter launches on November 9th! I don’t know about the rest of y’all, but the truth is, a big ol’ chunk of the foundation of my political and ethical beliefs came from Lee/Kirby-style superhero comics, and ODD YARNS is something of a love letter to those Silver Age values.
…seriously, it’s a hoot, you’ll have a great time reading it! And we’re offering a special rewards tier for fans of the blog; custom letters from Shower Cap! I’ll write a letter to an American politician of your choosing, on an issue of your choosing! Basically, if you’ve ever wanted someone to tell your Congressthing what a turd-munching crotchfungus they are, now’s your chance! Anyway, get more information here, and sign up on our pre-launch page! And for Pete’s sake, stay safe out there, my friends…