Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Cocaine Hippos and Other News Which is Significantly Less Amusing (Y’know, Death Cult Shit)
Lotta fun little stories this week about cocaine hippo personhood and zebra honeypots and such, and I bet having a funny animal news blog would be goddamn delightful. Alas, I’ve made…different choices. Well, let’s wade into this shit, shit ain’t gonna wade into itself…we’ve added little windshield wipers to the visors on your hazmat suits, should help.
Just to drop you right in the deep end of the pool, looks like Ron Watkins, the skeevy little shit who put the Q in QAnon, is running for Congress, to join the Gosars and the Taylor Greenes in all their fashy reindeer games. Creatures like Watkins really should be frightened of the bright light of day, and they no longer are, have you noticed that?
Watkins would surely be greeted with open arms by the burgeoning Kooky Kakistocrat Kaucus. Anyway, Kevin McCarthy escalated his campaign of vengeance against the apostate Liz Cheney, threatening the GOP consultant class with excommunication-by-association should they refuse to participate in her ritual shunning. Cheney’s sin, for those who’ve forgotten, is her belief that democracy is preferable to eternal servitude to a family of perverts and grifters.
Meanwhile, still yet to receive so much as a “naughty boy” from ol’ Keville Chamberlain is Matthew Louis Gaetz II, who faces a federal investigation that keeps on attractin’ new prosecutors, including an expert in child exploitation crimes. I would urge the American public to accept the Minority Leader’s demonstration of his party’s ethical priorities at face value.
Gaetz’s long-term career plans rely almost exclusively on securing a pardon from a future regime of lawless thugs immoral enough to accept a known pedophile into their inner circle; to that end, he uses his platform as a United States Congressman to normalize the thugs’ fascist ideals, seeking their attention and approval, which is, WOW, really unhelpful right now, but in the creepy little bastard’s defense…I mean, yeah, that’s looking like his best shot.
Well, the federal vaccine mandates are finally kicking in, as part of the Biden Administration’s Operation: Keep the Cultists Away From the Kool-Aid. Outside of a few feeble resignation pageants, and a particularly grating rendition of “On My Own” from Dan Bongino, tantrums have been kept to a minimum, even as our police departments benefit from the sort of addition-by-subtraction workforce realignment that’d normally cost billions in consulting fees.
More importantly, vaccination numbers are up and infection rates are down, so maybe it’s finally possible to save enough of the brainwashed from themselves to inch our way back to sweet, sweet normalcy. We’ll appreciate you more this time, normalcy. We will buy you exotic cheeses and chocolates and rub your weary limbs each night, normalcy; just never leave us again.
Of course there are still holdouts, vowing unyielding resistance to the forces of sanity and life. Yet another talk radio jag rode the HydroxyHorsepaste Express to Covidsville, which was really his super-secret geenyus plan all along, wink wink, and like, if, after 734,000 deaths, you still trust these fanatic howler monkeys more than doctors and scientists, at a certain point, I stop wondering why you keep hitting yourself in the face with a brick; I just get tired of prying it out of your hands.
Down in Texas, that laboratory of American apartheid, white supremacy is getting institutionalized with frankly impressive speed and efficiency from a political party that cannot seem to accomplish literally anything else. You’d think ramming through a racial gerrymander obscene enough to make John Roberts blush would be enough, but no, Governor Greg Abbott decided to put a lawyer who WORKED ON AN ATTEMPTED OVERTHROW OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT in charge of his state’s elections, which isn’t the sort of behavior one engages in when one sees oneself in a long-term relationship with democracy.
The Republican rank-and-file seems all too willing to accommodate Abbott’s authoritarian ambition, growing more comfortable with violence and threats of violence all the time. Mask mandates got your bee-filled skull all a-tizzy? No need to coexist peacefully in a shared society, just RAISE A MILITIA! Uppity state Democratic Party Chairman blaspheming against the Turd Emperor on the op-ed page? Time to fire off your best LYNCHING THREAT!
Oh, and the violent insurrectionist block in the D.C. penitentiary has a fan club now, sleep tight. Ashli Babbitt, Kyle Rittenhouse…I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that it’s so frequently violent criminals this movement chooses to canonize. Such a wacky death cult.
Nebraska Republican Congresscrook Jeff Fortenberry resigned from his committee assignments following federal indictments for campaign finance law violations and lying to the FBI, which is almost charming, really; in a party increasingly devoted to justifying mob violence, such old-fashioned corruption practically makes you a Cub Scout.
Well, Oleg Deripaska’s D.C. home got raided by the feds, and Lev Parnas got convicted, and dagnabbit, I know my Sleazy Slav scorecard is here someplace, but it’s buried beneath beer cans and articles about Madison Cawthorn smuggling knives into schools. Fuck it, I’ll find it later.
Condoleezza Rice is SO bored with democracy, you guys, and insists we all “move on” from the whole “seditious acts of terrorist violence” thing, and honestly, I totally agree, it’s just that your side has to go first, Condi. Not out of politics or pettiness, but because y’all are the ones being violent. Don’t say “move on” when you mean “unilaterally disarm,” okay?
Incidentally, Secretary Rice, I actually think we should keep picking through the wreckage of the Turd Reich, on account o’ the whole unpunished coup/dress rehearsal thing, yes, but also because gems like “Stephen Miller tried to deploy half the U.S. Army to the southern border” keep turning up. When your party stands for Shitty White Guy Supremacy at Any Cost and very little else, people are gonna talk about it, we’re just gossipy, I guess.
It was like getting hit in the throat by a t-shirt cannon filled with sports clichés when the Boy Who Failed At Everything From Casinos to Being President finally, after seven decades of punching himself in the dick, earned massive, late-in-life success JUST KIDDING Freddy Fuckup’s latest endeavor, a wingnut social media platform with crazy dreams of someday arm-wrestling Zuck himself, endured a public rollout so perfectly, gobsmackingly humiliating, I have to assume it was an op staged by a vengeful deep state. The fall from “we’re gonna drive CNN out of business” to “an account on the former President’s platform purporting to be the former President himself posted a photograph of a pig shitting on its own testicles” turns out to be a short, sharp shock.
As expected, Senate Republicans blocked Democrats’ voting rights bill, believing as they do that there’s far too much of this silly “voting” stuff going on already, particularly amongst the insufficiently alabaster.
If we’re honest, on a day-to-day level, the Republican Party serves no function whatsoever beyond pouring used kitty litter into the gears of justice. Run out the clock till the shitbags get away with everything, including the future, that’s the plan. Little “Ron Johnson holds up a U.S. Attorney nomination” here, little “Donnie Dotard’s strip mall legal team sues to block release of Shart House docs” there, the hourglass starts fillin’ up.
So yeah, watching the Bannon in Cuffs Please Oh Please marble work its way slowly through the Rube Goldberg federal Justice bureaucracy has been…a touch on the frustrating side. Still, the January 6th commission means business, they’re doing their job; your ball, Mr. Garland. (Understanding there was some clown-jousting that required your attention first, of course.)
Anyway, I’ll let you get back to screaming in horror at every step of the sausage-making process, though I’d recommend setting the Manchin/Sinema voodoo dolls down for now, and joining me in a beer and a comic book out back while the weather still permits.
Speaking of smooth transitions into comic book promotion, YES, the Kickstarter for the next comic, ODD YARNS, indeed draws ever nearer! Launching November 9th, in fact. I know I’ve been asking for your support a lot this year, but this one’ll be the last one for a bit, and besides, I think it’s cool as heck. One way or another, stay safe out there, chums.