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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

Gas-Hoarding, Protein-Shedding, and Other Uniquely American Mental Disorders

Friday, May 14th, 2021

 

Friends, I am FULLY VACCINATED and living my best life, ushering in a bold new age of cancel culture in horse racing and shedding proteins all over every Real Murican I can find. Things’re so goshdarn shiny n’ happy these days, I can almost forget about the millions-strong army of brainwashed morons trying to destroy my country. Almost.

About that protein shedding, yyyyyyyeah, welcome to the latest daffy conspiracy theory pinballing through MAGA Nation’s collective empty noggin. Kudos to whoever dreamed this one up, though, because the Children of the Candy Corn are so worried about the sinister, shedding-prone proteins manufactured by Bill Gates’ Deep State Vaccination Cabal that they’re…god, I can’t even type it…they’re SOCIAL DISTANCING in terror. Some are even talking about, I kid you not, wearing masks to protect themselves. I think this makes it fairly clear that A) there is indeed a higher power and B) it enjoys fucking with us.

To any ungrateful serfs out there reading this, GET BACK TO WORK YA FILTHY TAKERS! Now that everybody’s all vaccinated n’ shit, America’s job creators really have to insist you report back to the galleys, where your starvation wages will probably trickle down, provided you’re quiet and obedient. Seriously, the job market tilted ever-so-slightly in favor of labor for all of twelve seconds before the entire GOP freaked the fuck out, cutting off pandemic-era unemployment benefits wherever they could, but hey, stay mad about potato toy genitals, non-college whites! That’s the REAL fight!

It’s becoming more and more difficult to refrain from kink-shaming Rand Paul over his penchant for mortifying public clashes with Dr. Anthony Fauci. The Senate’s Fakest Doctor accused America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist of lovingly spooning Chinese scientists in Wuhan while they painstakingly crafted COVID-19 by hand, because, well, because he’s a fucking idiot, I suppose. I’ve tried to avoid the whole “GOLLY YOU CAN SURE SEE WHY PEOPLE WANT TO PUNCH RAND PAUL” gag over the years because it’s low-hanging fruit but I mean COME ON.

Well, Wayne LaPierre’s scheme to sneak the cancer upon American society known as the National Rifle Association out of New York (and legal jeopardy) under the cover of bankruptcy has officially failed, which I suppose momentarily takes a bit of the sting out of his more successful life’s work: drenching the nation in blood and grief for the sake of his own personal enrichment. Wayne’s comeuppance was near the top of the list I sent to Santa last Xmas, and I didn’t get the Pokémon cards, so I’m cautiously optimistic here.

Word on the street is, Skidmark Jr.’s now-ex-wife ordered a little somethin’ somethin’ off the Secret Service’s secret menu, nudge nudge, wink wink. One nice thing about moving on from a scion of the Turd Family Robinshart is literally anyone else must seem like an almost otherworldly upgrade. “What I love most about you, dearest, is the way I never have to vacuum cocaine out of your shitty, shitty beard while you’re passed out on the bathroom floor.”

Michigan state Rep. Matt Maddock, quite the starry-eyed little goose-stepper, has a dream, y’all! A dream of a world where Matt Maddock gets to wield the awesome power of the state to grind all those uppity so-called “fact-checkers” to dust beneath his shiny bootheel. Nothing to see here, just a known liar trying to legislate objective reality out of existence. Truly, the states are the laboratories of fascism.

Ron DeSantis vowed to pardon every Floridian who violated local coronavirus health mandates, because hey, is senselessly, selfishly spreading disease and death through your community really a crime? Definitely a good, healthy sign for American democracy, that every ambition-crazed Republican with an eye towards inheriting Cult45’s High Priesthood views “abusing power to elevate members of the tribe beyond the reach of justice” as an essential aspect of the requisite Trump impersonation act.

Well, Liz Cheney has indeed been sent to live on a farm upstate, where at least she’ll have plenty of room to run around and shoot her daddy’s hunting buddies in the face. As expected, soulless opportunist Elise Stefanik oozed into Cheney’s old job, all too happy to execute the position’s recently revised duties: Just Lie, Baby. Lie big, lie loud, lie every single time you open your lying mouth.

Oh, and kiss ass. Suckle those saggy, withered, no-doubt-spray-tanned loser cheeks, Elise. Greatness waits just around the corner. Surely.

Rid at last of Liz’s pesky truth-telling, Kevin McCarthy’s Kraven Kreep Kaucus celebrated with some more Public Nazi Shit, desecrating a House Oversight and Reform Committee hearing with their vile movement’s trademark venomous gaslighting, peppering the Big Lie with ineptly fabricated minutiae, like a bloviating uncle trying to sell you his fish story, only instead of an enormous, nigh-legendary trout, it was America’s two-centuries-and-change-old democracy that barely got away.

Fashy dentist Paul Gosar whined that law enforcement is “harassing” the “peaceful patriots” who erected a gallows in front of the Capitol with the loudly-proclaimed intention of lynching the sitting Vice President. Jody Hice, who dreams of replacing Brad Raffensperger as Georgia’s secretary of state so his increasingly authoritarian party can stop worrying about silly shit like “the will of the electorate,” insisted it was unfair to blame the poor, maligned Trumpist mob for the wackily coincidental death from natural causes of Capitol Police Officer Brian Sicknick, who yes, okay, was the recipient of a chemical weapons attack perpetrated by members of an insurrectionist horde filled with known white nationalists, but NATURAL CAUSES is the point, on the off chance anyone believes any of this horseshit.

Still, I think Georgia’s Andrew Clyde takes the meth-laced cake with his claim that the Capitol Riot was nothing more than a “normal tourist visit.” Perhaps Clyde’s favorite travel agent specializes in vacations where you journey to exotic locales and assault the local constabulary with chemical sprays and blunt weaponry, or perhaps he’s a lying sack of monkey crap working diligently to destroy the American government from within; either way, fuck him with the entire Arms and Armor exhibit at the Met.

The overarching point here seems to be that the white boy terrorists are the Real Victims Here™️, and that insisting upon enforcing the fat stack of laws they broke is, in fact, persecution. It’s all quite silly, even laughable, until you remember it’s part of a coordinated strategy between right-wing media and elected officials to normalize and provoke violence as a viable political tactic to keep an unpopular minoritarian movement in power.

The terrorists themselves agree with the victimhood diagnosis, of course. Some loser Proud Boy (but I repeat myself) angrily denounced the Hemorrhoid Emperor for abandoning his dipshit cannon fodder, excuse me, ‘most faithful supporters’ “on the battlefield bloody and alone.” Son, if, after everything that’s been written about Donald John Trump over the last half-decade, you still somehow expect, of all things, LOYALTY from the guy, prison is the safest place for you; you’d never make it out here in the real world, with all its tricksy con men and pointy corners.

A former staffer is suing Republican Congressdolt Doug Lamborn for refusing to follow COVID-19 safety protocols, even after an outbreak in his office. Lamborn thought the whole thing was a “hoax,” y’see, and slept in the office during its “coronavirus playground” phase, even helping his deadbeat kid save a few bucks on rent by bunking up in a Capitol basement storage space. Taxpayers have to foot the bill to house your offspring AND your highly communicable disease? Not cool, Doug.

If you’re wondering, as any rational being would, just who the fuck elects these used-chewing-gum-from-beneath-the-seats-at-the-bowling-alley-brained shitweasels to Congress in the first place, I imagine we could learn quite a bit from the enthusiastic gas hoarder class that’s sprung up in the aftermath of a ransomware attack on the Colonial Pipeline. Dispatch a battalion of New York Times reporters to Appalachia’s many diners; the dudes you want to talk to can be identified by their jealously guarded plastic bags filled with gasoline.

…not to invoke the Fall of Rome or anything, but it’s possible the can-do American spirit has become terminally diluted with opioids, disinformation, and Trump Vodka.

But yeah, It with a capital I is still Happening Here, all around us, and I guess we all get to just…live with that? Accept it as the price of living in the United States of America now? Hope that the coalition that elected Biden doesn’t allow sweet, soothing normalcy to lull the populace into complacency, allowing the very worst scumfucks humanity has to offer to drag the nation down the dark and violent path to fascist white nationalism in 2022 and beyond? Fun stuff to ponder, no?*

And why? Republicans, why the heck are you lashing yourselves ever more tightly to that deposed, indeed decomposing Nazi clown? Like all his ventures, from his casinos to his airline to his presidency, the Velveeta Vulgarian’s attempt to rebuild his social media platform has proven a humiliating failure. He waddles pathetically around Marm-a-Lago, crashing parties like that creepy old guy who shows up at the karaoke bar every damn night to sing the same fucking Meat Loaf song and hit on women his daughter’s age. Outside of Lindsey Graham’s wet dreams, the guy wields no actual power. Maybe cut him loose before you collaborating doofuses start a second civil war?

Even some Republicans are becoming appalled at the gaggle of drooling assclowns conducting the “election audit” in Arizona. Somebody thankfully put the kibosh on the idea of letting these bamboo fiber detectives go door-to-door, harassing voters in their homes, but it seems this idiot subplot will run another few weeks at least. Sigh.

Seems the Heritage Foundation has been helpfully writing state-level Republicans’ racist voter suppression laws for them, a clever division of labor in a movement where elected officials are chosen primarily for their ability to spew bigoted gibberish at the easily misled. Oh, and speaking of:

Without any silly committee assignments clogging up her calendar, Marjorie Taylor Greene is free to roam the halls of Congress, smearing feces on the walls and belching up hate-filled inanities at unsuspecting passerby. Bumping into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is always a special treat for the maggots devouring Marjorie’s brain, of course.

It’s clear this maniac can’t peacefully co-exist with anyone, (outside of child rapists) so it’s time to start considering folks’ safety. Maybe we can find a nice patch of land outside town, she can build herself a cozy little gingerbread house and lure Turning Point USA interns to their doom.

By the way, Matt Gaetz’s creepy sex-trafficking pal Joel Greenberg officially entered into his plea agreement with th’feds, and it seems Joel has quite the tale to tell, but make note that neither Matty Pays-for-Sex nor the Vainglorious MTG have received anything like the Liz Cheney treatment, because it’s not as though they’ve done anything truly reprehensible, like telling the truth, or suggesting, “hey, why don’t we NOT be Nazis?”

Seems that back during the interminable days of the Turd Reich, the goon squad over at Project Veritas teamed up with Erik Prince and a foreign spy in a sad, failed attempt to run a honeypot op on ol’ H.R. McMaster, cuz he called their Turlord a massive fucking idiot, which was taken as proof that the Deep State had a firm grasp of the obvious. Dear lord. Everything is so stupid. I say bring on the dang Visigoths, this culture could use a good decline and fall.

Lordy, that was some week. If I missed anything, I apologize; I’ve been packing for a trip to an out-of-town wedding this weekend, and between that and my shedding proteins, my quarantine brain has been downright overwhelmed. Stay safe out there, Resisters!

*No. 

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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