- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Gas-Hoarding, Protein-Shedding, and Other Uniquely American Mental Disorders
Friends, I am FULLY VACCINATED and living my best life, ushering in a bold new age of cancel culture in horse racing and shedding proteins all over every Real Murican I can find. Things’re so goshdarn shiny n’ happy these days, I can almost forget about the millions-strong army of brainwashed morons trying to destroy my country. Almost.
About that protein shedding, yyyyyyyeah, welcome to the latest daffy conspiracy theory pinballing through MAGA Nation’s collective empty noggin. Kudos to whoever dreamed this one up, though, because the Children of the Candy Corn are so worried about the sinister, shedding-prone proteins manufactured by Bill Gates’ Deep State Vaccination Cabal that they’re…god, I can’t even type it…they’re SOCIAL DISTANCING in terror. Some are even talking about, I kid you not, wearing masks to protect themselves. I think this makes it fairly clear that A) there is indeed a higher power and B) it enjoys fucking with us.
To any ungrateful serfs out there reading this, GET BACK TO WORK YA FILTHY TAKERS! Now that everybody’s all vaccinated n’ shit, America’s job creators really have to insist you report back to the galleys, where your starvation wages will probably trickle down, provided you’re quiet and obedient. Seriously, the job market tilted ever-so-slightly in favor of labor for all of twelve seconds before the entire GOP freaked the fuck out, cutting off pandemic-era unemployment benefits wherever they could, but hey, stay mad about potato toy genitals, non-college whites! That’s the REAL fight!
It’s becoming more and more difficult to refrain from kink-shaming Rand Paul over his penchant for mortifying public clashes with Dr. Anthony Fauci. The Senate’s Fakest Doctor accused America’s Handsomest Epidemiologist of lovingly spooning Chinese scientists in Wuhan while they painstakingly crafted COVID-19 by hand, because, well, because he’s a fucking idiot, I suppose. I’ve tried to avoid the whole “GOLLY YOU CAN SURE SEE WHY PEOPLE WANT TO PUNCH RAND PAUL” gag over the years because it’s low-hanging fruit but I mean COME ON.
Well, Wayne LaPierre’s scheme to sneak the cancer upon American society known as the National Rifle Association out of New York (and legal jeopardy) under the cover of bankruptcy has officially failed, which I suppose momentarily takes a bit of the sting out of his more successful life’s work: drenching the nation in blood and grief for the sake of his own personal enrichment. Wayne’s comeuppance was near the top of the list I sent to Santa last Xmas, and I didn’t get the Pokémon cards, so I’m cautiously optimistic here.
Word on the street is, Skidmark Jr.’s now-ex-wife ordered a little somethin’ somethin’ off the Secret Service’s secret menu, nudge nudge, wink wink. One nice thing about moving on from a scion of the Turd Family Robinshart is literally anyone else must seem like an almost otherworldly upgrade. “What I love most about you, dearest, is the way I never have to vacuum cocaine out of your shitty, shitty beard while you’re passed out on the bathroom floor.”
Michigan state Rep. Matt Maddock, quite the starry-eyed little goose-stepper, has a dream, y’all! A dream of a world where Matt Maddock gets to wield the awesome power of the state to grind all those uppity so-called “fact-checkers” to dust beneath his shiny bootheel. Nothing to see here, just a known liar trying to legislate objective reality out of existence. Truly, the states are the laboratories of fascism.
Ron DeSantis vowed to pardon every Floridian who violated local coronavirus health mandates, because hey, is senselessly, selfishly spreading disease and death through your community really a crime? Definitely a good, healthy sign for American democracy, that every ambition-crazed Republican with an eye towards inheriting Cult45’s High Priesthood views “abusing power to elevate members of the tribe beyond the reach of justice” as an essential aspect of the requisite Trump impersonation act.
Well, Liz Cheney has indeed been sent to live on a farm upstate, where at least she’ll have plenty of room to run around and shoot her daddy’s hunting buddies in the face. As expected, soulless opportunist Elise Stefanik oozed into Cheney’s old job, all too happy to execute the position’s recently revised duties: Just Lie, Baby. Lie big, lie loud, lie every single time you open your lying mouth.
Oh, and kiss ass. Suckle those saggy, withered, no-doubt-spray-tanned loser cheeks, Elise. Greatness waits just around the corner. Surely.
Rid at last of Liz’s pesky truth-telling, Kevin McCarthy’s Kraven Kreep Kaucus celebrated with some more Public Nazi Shit, desecrating a House Oversight and Reform Committee hearing with their vile movement’s trademark venomous gaslighting, peppering the Big Lie with ineptly fabricated minutiae, like a bloviating uncle trying to sell you his fish story, only instead of an enormous, nigh-legendary trout, it was America’s two-centuries-and-change-old democracy that barely got away.
Fashy dentist Paul Gosar whined that law enforcement is “harassing” the “peaceful patriots” who erected a gallows in front of the Capitol with the loudly-proclaimed intention of lynching the sitting Vice President. Jody Hice, who dreams of replacing Brad Raffensperger as Georgia’s secretary of state so his increasingly authoritarian party can stop worrying about silly shit like “the will of the electorate,” insisted it was unfair to blame the poor, maligned Trumpist mob for the wackily coincidental death from natural causes of Capitol Police Officer Brian Sicknick, who yes, okay, was the recipient of a chemical weapons attack perpetrated by members of an insurrectionist horde filled with known white nationalists, but NATURAL CAUSES is the point, on the off chance anyone believes any of this horseshit.
Still, I think Georgia’s Andrew Clyde takes the meth-laced cake with his claim that the Capitol Riot was nothing more than a “normal tourist visit.” Perhaps Clyde’s favorite travel agent specializes in vacations where you journey to exotic locales and assault the local constabulary with chemical sprays and blunt weaponry, or perhaps he’s a lying sack of monkey crap working diligently to destroy the American government from within; either way, fuck him with the entire Arms and Armor exhibit at the Met.
The overarching point here seems to be that the white boy terrorists are the Real Victims Here™️, and that insisting upon enforcing the fat stack of laws they broke is, in fact, persecution. It’s all quite silly, even laughable, until you remember it’s part of a coordinated strategy between right-wing media and elected officials to normalize and provoke violence as a viable political tactic to keep an unpopular minoritarian movement in power.
The terrorists themselves agree with the victimhood diagnosis, of course. Some loser Proud Boy (but I repeat myself) angrily denounced the Hemorrhoid Emperor for abandoning his dipshit cannon fodder, excuse me, ‘most faithful supporters’ “on the battlefield bloody and alone.” Son, if, after everything that’s been written about Donald John Trump over the last half-decade, you still somehow expect, of all things, LOYALTY from the guy, prison is the safest place for you; you’d never make it out here in the real world, with all its tricksy con men and pointy corners.
A former staffer is suing Republican Congressdolt Doug Lamborn for refusing to follow COVID-19 safety protocols, even after an outbreak in his office. Lamborn thought the whole thing was a “hoax,” y’see, and slept in the office during its “coronavirus playground” phase, even helping his deadbeat kid save a few bucks on rent by bunking up in a Capitol basement storage space. Taxpayers have to foot the bill to house your offspring AND your highly communicable disease? Not cool, Doug.
If you’re wondering, as any rational being would, just who the fuck elects these used-chewing-gum-from-beneath-the-seats-at-the-bowling-alley-brained shitweasels to Congress in the first place, I imagine we could learn quite a bit from the enthusiastic gas hoarder class that’s sprung up in the aftermath of a ransomware attack on the Colonial Pipeline. Dispatch a battalion of New York Times reporters to Appalachia’s many diners; the dudes you want to talk to can be identified by their jealously guarded plastic bags filled with gasoline.
…not to invoke the Fall of Rome or anything, but it’s possible the can-do American spirit has become terminally diluted with opioids, disinformation, and Trump Vodka.
But yeah, It with a capital I is still Happening Here, all around us, and I guess we all get to just…live with that? Accept it as the price of living in the United States of America now? Hope that the coalition that elected Biden doesn’t allow sweet, soothing normalcy to lull the populace into complacency, allowing the very worst scumfucks humanity has to offer to drag the nation down the dark and violent path to fascist white nationalism in 2022 and beyond? Fun stuff to ponder, no?*
And why? Republicans, why the heck are you lashing yourselves ever more tightly to that deposed, indeed decomposing Nazi clown? Like all his ventures, from his casinos to his airline to his presidency, the Velveeta Vulgarian’s attempt to rebuild his social media platform has proven a humiliating failure. He waddles pathetically around Marm-a-Lago, crashing parties like that creepy old guy who shows up at the karaoke bar every damn night to sing the same fucking Meat Loaf song and hit on women his daughter’s age. Outside of Lindsey Graham’s wet dreams, the guy wields no actual power. Maybe cut him loose before you collaborating doofuses start a second civil war?
Even some Republicans are becoming appalled at the gaggle of drooling assclowns conducting the “election audit” in Arizona. Somebody thankfully put the kibosh on the idea of letting these bamboo fiber detectives go door-to-door, harassing voters in their homes, but it seems this idiot subplot will run another few weeks at least. Sigh.
Seems the Heritage Foundation has been helpfully writing state-level Republicans’ racist voter suppression laws for them, a clever division of labor in a movement where elected officials are chosen primarily for their ability to spew bigoted gibberish at the easily misled. Oh, and speaking of:
Without any silly committee assignments clogging up her calendar, Marjorie Taylor Greene is free to roam the halls of Congress, smearing feces on the walls and belching up hate-filled inanities at unsuspecting passerby. Bumping into Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is always a special treat for the maggots devouring Marjorie’s brain, of course.
It’s clear this maniac can’t peacefully co-exist with anyone, (outside of child rapists) so it’s time to start considering folks’ safety. Maybe we can find a nice patch of land outside town, she can build herself a cozy little gingerbread house and lure Turning Point USA interns to their doom.
By the way, Matt Gaetz’s creepy sex-trafficking pal Joel Greenberg officially entered into his plea agreement with th’feds, and it seems Joel has quite the tale to tell, but make note that neither Matty Pays-for-Sex nor the Vainglorious MTG have received anything like the Liz Cheney treatment, because it’s not as though they’ve done anything truly reprehensible, like telling the truth, or suggesting, “hey, why don’t we NOT be Nazis?”
Seems that back during the interminable days of the Turd Reich, the goon squad over at Project Veritas teamed up with Erik Prince and a foreign spy in a sad, failed attempt to run a honeypot op on ol’ H.R. McMaster, cuz he called their Turlord a massive fucking idiot, which was taken as proof that the Deep State had a firm grasp of the obvious. Dear lord. Everything is so stupid. I say bring on the dang Visigoths, this culture could use a good decline and fall.
Lordy, that was some week. If I missed anything, I apologize; I’ve been packing for a trip to an out-of-town wedding this weekend, and between that and my shedding proteins, my quarantine brain has been downright overwhelmed. Stay safe out there, Resisters!
*No.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Right up there with the mental disorder that some shit white on black 90s blog makes you Hunter Thompson, you pathetic fucking drunk.
Your shtick is so fucking boring, it never changes, and you just ramble ON AND FUCKING ON. Christ, learn how to structure articles. How to open them, how to end them. Whatever comes to your mind doesn’t make for good pieces.
That’s why nothing of yours sells or attracts outside interest and you’re reduced to spamming DU.
You mad bro?😳
Goodness, having a hard time with the hilarious but deadly truth, are we?
Maybe the 45 shitweasels have a powder for that…
This is still America for now bro. You can just turn the channel. If it gets you that worked up why do you read it?
Mom, is that you?
Show me where the bad man touched you
Dude,you suck.What come’s to Caps mind are unfailingly what come’s to mine.What is “some white on black 90’s blog” supposed to mean?No response is no defense.
Oh, Alfred, the only thing I really want to ask you is when you finally disconnected completely from consensual reality, and is it proving to be everything you hoped for when you took that leap???
Please, don’t be shy, let us all know how respected you are as a writer, weekly blogger, political analyst and professional raconteur. Give us a list of how many, when, the general ratings, and try to do it half as well as Cap does every week. Oh, and hyperlinks wouldn’t be too much to ask, surely???
And now that I’ve indicated I, too, have a basic grasp of English and a fair writing style, exactly what the fuck, dude? Did you get tired of insulting grade schoolers online, or did someone dare you to make farty sounds out of your mouth (yeah, fingertips, presuming you use more than one to type) at someone who actually has a following and makes them laugh, scream, despair, cry, and hope every time he puts an overarching analysis of the weekly shitstorm out on the web for us to admire?
Please understand that most of these following the first question are mostly rhetorical, and I’m glad to pause for a few so you can frantically scan whichever online dictionary you rely on whenever you read a word you’re not sure actually is a word, or which doesn’t correspond with the mouldering memory of its definition in your soggy ‘brain’.
There, was that long enough?
You might be surprised to discover that I actually LIKE Cap’s style, his dedication to covering news that would rot the brain of most individuals, and his subsequent defense of pickling said brain with beer whenever he has a spare five seconds or so. While I don’t drink beer, I have my own vices, and understand that what gets you through the days in our modern ‘culture’ is not to be sneered at. At least not until said brain begins leaking out of his ears, at which point I will be sure to indicate serious concern, and begin attempting to get him to drink mead instead. . .
You, Alfred, on the other hand, I find tedious and sad, not even up to the standards of a reasonably intelligent troll, despite what some of the other responses to your bleating post have intimated. While we understand that it’s moldy in your mommy’s basement, and snorting spores are both your inevitable fate and your second-favorite pastime (which is why I implied you might only use one hand or finger while typing) you need to pick on someone less charismatic, like, well, maybe, yourself.
Or in other words, wipe yourself, try really hard not to lick your fingers, and darken some other blog’s response site. Please.
Or get used to more replies like this, only meaner.
Personally dear I always found Hunter S a tad passe
Seems you supped on the teats of the great Marcel Proust
Now there was fucking boring
A la recherche du temps we all wish he’d just forgotten
Hey Cap . Ignore the nimrods like the commenter above . You have a loyal following while the aforementioned dupe has their anger issues . Just sayin yah know ! Look forward to your next blog Budd .
You warm my heart, Showercap💕💙💕
You must be doing something right You just upset a low IQ troll. Might be Jr. It is dumb enough.
It appears that the turdmaggot ,above, does not appreciate your brilliant, can’t be missed, diatribes against the putrid hordes who would smear the Constitution with their feces, and bury democracy in the pit of covid bodies they so willingly allowed to happen.
OMG, a hater! And an articulate one, too. The Hunter S. Thompson reference means they’re erudite. The critique of your structure means they’ve sat through undergrad comp. Telling you your “shtick… never changes” means that dictionary.com is good enough for them, goddamn it, and that they’ve read this blog they despise more than once.
Real writers are pathetic fucking drunks, Cap (just ask Thompson, who chased his booze with pills, rails, smokes, and, um, “mental disorder[s]”). The 90s beat the shit out of the 2020s, even if the next eight-and-a-half years are orgasmic. And what’s “so fucking boring” was the nerve-melting horror drone of the last five years of Trumpism, topped off with a bonus plague pit year (or two, or five, or however the hell long Covid keeps killing people), not the commentary on it.
Start questioning your talent when you stop pissing off idiots. All respect and gratitude to you for the half-decade of good work.
Yeah, whatevs to the bitter, resentful, can’t-make-it-anywhere-else-so-I’ll-troll-here person, Cap, when I win the lottery, you’ll have an eccentric patron, f’r sure. You make me laugh hard enough to wish I wasn’t too vain for Depends, and frankly, I admire the hell out of your colorful turns of phrase. Some people were challenged to keep up with the late, lamented Robin Williams when he was off to the races, so your run-on sentences make me laugh all the harder because I GET IT!!! Thanks man, and, hey! CONGRATS ON THE VAX’s!!!
“Nazi clown” is the prizewinner for succinctness. “Machiavelli meets the Three Stooges” (Charley Pierce, Esquire) was good for the goonsquad itself, but we needed a descriptive honorific for the head turd. So thanks, ya wordsmith.
If only the poor constipated critic above wasn’t forced at gunpoint to read Showercap!
When you elicit comments from wooden-headed, slackjawed, mouthbreathers like the rube above, you know you’re doing something right! I can just picture him/her/it: big belly, only a partial set of teeth, and only a partially functioning mass of grey matter. They’re mostly made up of unexpressed anger and frustration because they have no power or soapbox from which to spew…thus they embrace the Orange Butt Pustule and his ilk and demon spawn as their proxy.
Keep up the great work Cap, and I’ll view your success by seeing more comments from the troll above!
Funny, I thought this blog was one of your best. I laughed the whole way through…except where I wanted to scream…can’t do that it would scare the cats. Yes, if ever there was a week to prove that god loves to fuck with us this would be a good example. I just wish it didn’t keep extending and extending into the next week and so on. If Joe was in charge I think I’d just give up. Congrats on the shot and hope you have a great weekend. Thanks, as always, for making unbearable things bearable.
Yo, Troll-wart, how many followers read you every week?? That’s what I thought. To say nothing of Cap’s comics….
Cap, the troll-wart just makes me even more passionate about GOTV.
Cleanup in Aisle #1. A QAnon, superspreader, insurrectionist, meth addicted maggot is attacking a mild mannered, superhero fighting for peace and justice. Probably mentioning the Heritage Foundation, a coven of insurrectionist evil, angered the Koch Crime Family. Has the Plutocracy noticed that Cap regularly brings us more insight and more laughter than most of the internet? Of course Charlie Pierce and Wonkette is great. But for the record, Cap is hilarious, and accurate, so he is attacked and slandered. If Cap continues, perhaps Project Veritas will run a OpSec Sting with a femme fatale, against him, and maybe MTG will stalk him. It could happen because we have the Clown Insurrection, although the Clowns are sometimes violent. But I predict good times, at least for those people inoculated against the Trump Plague, which is also very violent.
further news on gas hoarding:
Apparently a few days ago Florida Man loaded four 5 gallon containers of gasoline into the back of his Hummer, and then drove away while lighting a cigarette. Hilarity ensued.
Cap, you are the best! Your writing is brilliant, and like many others, Friday has become my favorite day of the week – because it’s Shower Cap’s blog day! Contrary to the opinion of the above troll, I find your way with words to be supremely creative and informative, not to mention laugh-out-loud funny. I always learn something new from your coverage of the week’s events even though I follow the news closely in the wake of the the 2016 election disaster and the subsequent near-collapse of our democracy. Your writing is a dependable and much-needed source of info, amusement, and comfort.
Have a wonderful weekend trip, and keep up the good work.
Showercap, you ROCK, seriously
Sometimes the only bright spot in my day is something you came up with.
Keep telling the truth and being funny, you are a National Treasure!
Son, if, after everything that’s been written about Donald John Trump over the last half-decade, you still somehow expect, of all things, LOYALTY from the guy, prison is the safest place for you; you’d never make it out here in the real world, with all its tricksy con men and pointy corners.
Sorry Cap but that sentence should read “half century” not “half decade”. When I was a young impressionable lad in N.J. back in the day, we all knew this guy was a piece of shit and a grifter.
…”stay mad about potato toy genitals”…
About those “potato toy genitals”… Is this a toy potato that has genitals? Or a real potato that has toy genitals? If they are indeed “toy genitals” – are they made out of potatoes? Do you think there is a market for potato toy genitals? Have you patented your idea yet?
Y’all are very kind, and I thank you.
I, for one (more), very much appreciate your colorful prose and look forward to Monday, which is Showercap day for me.
America has not peaked. We peaked on Election Day 2000 when Gore was goi g to be President. After that, instead of balanced budgets, a growing economy and an eye on Bin Laden we got multiple tax cuts for the rich, monstrous deficits, 9/11, wars of choice, and 3 Republican recessions.
Re the upper echelons of the Trumpenproleteriat trying to starve the plebs into shit paid non-gainful employment nothing new here.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Death_in_England#Economic,_social_and_political_effects
Plus ca change plus c’est la meme fucking chose.
Peasants’ Revolt anyone?
first time poster just arrived reader. I LOVE this site! More please!