- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Vape Pens & Poop Maps & Pie, Oh My!
Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod Save America t-shirts raving “TELL HILLARY TO SHORE UP THE BLUE WALL!”
Well, over the objections of House Republican leadership, His Royal Highness Count George Santos VIII was finally forcibly ushered into the reality television show contestant phase of his life, ahead of what’s expected to be a lucrative cigarette smuggling period in federal prison.
112 Republicans voted to keep Georgie (and his vote) around, worried that establishing a precedent whereby excessive criminality disqualifies one from public office would reduce their party to Mitt Romney’s car elevator steward and perhaps a Sununu or two.
It’s a reasonable concern, given that Students for Trump founder Ryan Fournier got arrested for pistol-whipping his girlfriend, and two county-level Arizona Republican officials were charged with election interference felonies, and they’re still finding more Capitol rioters to arrest, and oh yeah, don’t forget Florida GOP Chair Christian Ziegler, I think he deserves a whole new paragraph, don’t you?
Christian, you see, finds himself under investigation. For sexual battery. Of a woman who “had been involved in a longstanding consensual three-way sexual relationship” with Ziegler and his wife, Bridget. Why yes, the very same Bridget Ziegler who co-founded the anti-LGBTQ hate group Moms for Liberty, funny you should mention it. But surely it was some other Bridget Ziegler, one who wasn’t having sex with a woman, who campaigned so vigorously for Florida’s odious “Don’t Say Gay” legislation…surely.
Anyway, I don’t anticipate anyone hanging a “no crooks allowed” sign on the Republican treehouse anytime soon. Which is good news for anybody who’s been, say, found liable for fraud and sexual assault, but still wants a major political party’s presidential nomination.
Indeed, ranting like Hitler and terrorizing judges’ wives only further endears Off-Brand Orbán to his increasingly deranged followers. They went wild when he reminded them of his intention to repeal the ACA, because ultimately, health care only delays the faithful’s ascent to that great Trump Hotel in the sky, where every man is assigned 72 piss hookers and a golden toilet of his very own.
Outside of provoking the odd death threat, Donnie Dotard’s life remains largely a parade of legal setbacks: gag orders, collapsing defenses, stuff like that. So I understand the need to celebrate every W, however meager, I truly do…but I guess what I’m asking is, how many victory laps can one man take for passing a cognitive test? Even if it is, objectively, one of the top ten achievements of his life, only slightly behind attaining the American presidency, but significantly ahead of fathering Eric?
Well, Nikki Haley still isn’t gonna be the Republican nominee, but at least she’s setting a bunch of Koch network money on fire, which is the closest thing to public service she’s ever achieved.
On the other hand, Ronnie DiSappointus may’ve finally righted the ship with…OPERATION: POOP MAP. In these tumultuous times, the American public wants that 3 AM phone call taken by a dude who carries a poop map with him at all times, just in case it turns out t’be somebody calling the White House to ask “say, where can I get some poop?”
Not even Rich Lowry is surprised anymore that this goon can’t navigate a masturbatory, 90-minute vanity debate on Fox without beclowning himself. Even with Hannity lobbing softball after softball, ignoring the taxpayer-funded, six-figure, do-nothing contracts for cronies, and the corpses piling up in the hallway outside the Governor’s office, Ron-Ron’s bat somehow unerringly found his own groin with every swing.
‘Twould appear Tommy Tuberville’s one-doofus war on military readiness is drawing to its close, almost certainly because Joni Ernst keeps DMing him hog castration videos. Coach Pencildick claims he’ll focus going forward on screening out just the “woke” officers, to be determined by conducting home and office raids in search of books of poetry.
Speaking of senatorial dumbasses, Mike Lee apparently believes the FBI issues badges in vape pen form nowadays, so dastardly deep state false flaggers can enjoy a lil’ mango-flavored nicotine infusion whilst entrapping Proud Boys, I guess.
James Comer recognized Hunter Biden’s offer to testify publicly before his committee as a trap, telling Newsmax, “the Biden crime family knows I am completely incapable of getting through a hearing without gaveling my own ballsack flat, and anyway, I’d much rather redact all the parts where Dan Goldman humiliates me.”
Sorry, haters, Elon Musk is thoroughly enjoying his doltpilled descent into anti-Semitism, and no amount of lost advertising revenue can “blackmail” him back to reality or decency. I see he finally found his way to pizzagate, so expect him to buy Comet Ping Pong in order to dig out that stubbornly nonexistent basement and stage a mad, manic SEE?!?!? media event with Greenwald and Taibbi.
Fox Nooz got all excited because they thought they had a Thanksgiving terrorist bombing to blame on Joe Biden, but Kurt Villani went and ruined it by turning out to be a regular guy having a dumb ol’ car accident. Still, they were ultimately able to give thanks, for an audience that will go right on blindly trusting them, even after they got caught in yet another reckless lie.
My own Thanksgiving was lovely, incidentally, filled with traditional liberal America-despising rituals: we crucified a gas stove, and then we hated a pie for a couple hours.
I guess Liz Cheney wrote a whole book about the fascism-enabling cravenness of her former Republican colleagues. A fertile field, certainly. Seems Kevin McCarthy sold American democracy out because the guy who tried to end it forever…wasn’t eating. Aw. Poor tyrant. Had to leave office just because the people voted him out. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
Quivering with carnal rage, Jesse Watters denounced Joe Biden’s lewd, lascivious, straw-sucking milkshake consumption. “The way a man’s lips purse, the way your fingers clasp on it,” Watters trembled, “WHY DOES IT MAKE ME FEEL SUCH PLEASURE AND SUCH PAIN?!?” In six weeks or so, when they discover Jesse in front of the scrotum-tanning machine, dead from autoerotic asphyxiation, with paper drinking straws clamped to his nipples, don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
By the way, I’m in the market for a medium, to put me in contact with the spirits of John Frankenheimer and Luis Buñuel, ideally at the same time, because the world deserves a film based on the “In the world of sexual fetishes, crossing the political aisle is a kink” article in WaPo this week.
Oh, and Georgia GOP district chair Kandiss Taylor still thinks globes are a conspiracy to trick you into thinking the world is round, if you were wondering. Even if you weren’t.
Sigh…gotta admit, I already miss George Santos. I hope the promised revenge tour materializes.
If not, I suppose I shall have to console myself with beer. As ever, you can support this blog by donating to the beer fund, (now accepting PayPal and Venmo!) by joining the email list at showercapblog.com, or by following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. One way or another, please stay safe out there amidst the shitstorm, friend.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Why 72 hookers? Just curious,
You go, Capster!
It’s the number of virgins Islamic suicide bombers were promised in heaven, back in the day.
(It must have been true, too, ‘cos no-one ever came back to complain.)
How dud everyone miss “Crap Map”?
l’m still busy chuckling at both images of DeSaster swinging and never missing his groin AND Comer smashing his ballsack flat. Thanks for the perfect image for what these tone deaf cretins continue to do, despite us throwing out enough rakes for them to keep stepping on. 🍻
Dearest Cap,
I’m reminded of an old saying “In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king”, which needs to be updated to in the land of the stupid the idiot is king or some such pithy wisdom.
I’ve been a drunk, an addict, a criminal and a homeless bum to boot, but even I know the earth is round, the same way Copernicus or one of those old Gnarly Dudes figured it out; ye olde crescent moon! 🌙
Every time I fall for the idea that ‘this is the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard’ some random member of our glorious populace opens their dumb ol maw and lets fly and this week was certainly no exception.
Thank you again for helping to chronicle the descent into Herzog’s ‘IQ 83’, although I fear that is a generous estimation of where we are heading.
You’re the best! Keep up the great work!
Hey Republicans, getting your ass handed to you by a progressive governor during a made for TV “debate” where the moderator is on your side and desperately trying to help you? At a loss as to what to do? Need a distraction immediately? Then you need the new Ronco Pocket Shitshow. When the general Republican shitshow is too cumbersome to take with you, the Ronco Pocket Shitshow is portable, fits in your breast pocket, and accomplishes the same results as its larger cousin the Giant Republican Shitshow. Act now and we’ll also send you the Ronco Smile Generator, we don’t have all the bugs worked out yet, but it’s worth a try. Available wherever Fox lies are peddled.
If I remember correctly, the advertising standards people insisted that it still be called the Ronco Rictus Generator.
George VIII? Did he knock off seven in order to get to the top?!
“Well, Nikki Haley still isn’t gonna be the Republican nominee, but at least she’s setting a bunch of Koch network money on fire, which is the closest thing to public service she’s ever achieved.”
Damn – that is a *precision* slap!
Once again you made my Saturday morning complete! So many smack-downs in this issue, but “gaveling my own ballsack flat” conjures the perfect image to help me through this snowy day.
i concur!
Glad you enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving. Grateful, as always, for your wonderful synopses of Our Descent, or the End of Empire.
This week’s is particularly funny. Thank you!
Maybe the Muskrat can get Geraldo to help him find Hillary’s basement at Comet Ping Pong!
The very great actor Robert De Niro is an even greater patriot. His latest film “Killers of the Flower Moon” documents white supremacists stealing the wealth of the native Osage Tribe in Oklahoma. The worthless land the Osage were given had Oil!. So the wealthy Osage were murdered and their land stolen. Similar to the 1921 Greenwood Massacre, this event has been hidden by our Racists who censor history. De Niro’s comments were “edited” by “Apple Corporate” except De Niro objected and told some truth. The Entertainment Industry has helped with racist stereotypes, from “Gone With The Wind” to most of the John Wayne movies where Wayne kills many Indians. De Niro takes on Wayne and the Nazi Maggot Trump.
“Lying has become just another tool in the charlatan’s arsenal. The former president lied to us more than 30,000 times during his four years in office, and he’s keeping up the pace in his current campaign of retribution.”
“History isn’t history anymore. Truth isn’t truth, and even facts are being replaced by alternative facts and driven by conspiracy theories and ugliness. In Florida, young students are taught that slaves developed skills that could be applied for their personal benefit. The entertainment industry isn’t immune to this festering disease. The Duke, John Wayne, famously said of Native Americans, ‘I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.’”
Here is another quote from Wayne that reflected much of the Hollywood movie industry, “I Believe in White supremacy until the blacks are educated to a point of responsibility.”
https://www.mercurynews.com/2023/11/28/robert-de-niro-also-blasted-john-wayne-for-calling-native-americans-selfish/