Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I Never Expected Ascendant Fascism to be So Very, Very Stupid, Chapter LXXXIV
Look you guys, our Republican brothers and sisters just want to burn books, disenfranchise minorities, roll back women’s rights and LGBTQ rights, gun political opponents down in the streets, and make it illegal to bruise their fragile fee-fees by suggesting any of the above is fascist bullshit. Like, why do I even blog?
Before we get started, I just want to say something to Aaron Rodgers real quick. Hey bro, I can’t speak for anybody else, but I didn’t cheer your playoff loss because of your (idiotic, blatantly incorrect) vaccination views. I cheered your playoff loss because of your pathetic, incessant whining. For the love of God, QUITCHER BITCHIN, you fucking toddler.
Like, if you were to suggest Drano as a tasty, healthy alternative to fatty salad dressings, you would be wrong in a similarly harmful way, and it would be perfectly acceptable, in fact quite important for decent folks to point that out, lest some star-struck young Packers fan follow his idol’s advice and chug a bottle of liquid death.
“It’s like the HOLOCAUST,” they yowl, “You’re HOLOCAUSTING me!” Nah, kids, we’re just pointing out that you’re wrong, because you are. Being told that you’re wrong has literally nothing in common with being sent to a death camp. In fact, going forward, y’all could use that as a test of sorts, before you compare your treatment to the Holocaust: “Am I in a death camp, or did someone just disagree with me?” Try it out, I think you’ll find this standard clarifying.
This is why the discourse in this country is so fucked, y’know? Take the already toxic combination of anti-intellectualism and bothsidesism, season it with the pervasive fetishization of victimhood, and what could you possibly wind up with but Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson, the living avatars of white boy mediocrity, shitting directly into each other’s ears for four and half hours?
Personally, I don’t see how anyone can watch that pair of braying jackasses blather without rolling their eyes at the unmistakable Loudest, Least Interesting Dudes at Every College Party Ever energy, but then you look up the size of their audiences, and you visualize whole legions of the subpar, nodding along at home as Peterson muses, “climate isn’t, like, even a THING, maaaaaaaan,” and you weep until your tear ducts disintegrate. Left untreated, Dunning-Kruger syndrome can prove fatal on a civilization-wide level, and this Rogan variant looks particularly virulent.
First they came for the sexy M&M’s, and I did not speak out, because I was not a skeevy weirdo who massages his genitals while gazing upon anthropomorphized candy. Then, they put Minnie Mouse in a pantsuit, and I locked my doors and boarded up my windows, because few words trigger a stronger Pavlovian rage response in America’s increasingly terrorism-curious right wing than “pantsuit.”
…all of which would be funnier if it didn’t provide such useful grist for the wingnut media bubble’s radicalization mill. THE FUCKABLE CARTOON CHARACTERS OF YOUR YOUTH ARE BEING STOLEN FROM YOU, Tucker Carlson bellows, and once he’s captured the rubes’ attention with the latest Two Minutes Hate, he fills every primed skull with poison.
And that’s how we wound up with deranged nincompoops bombarding elected officials with calls demanding the United States government take Vlad Putin’s side as he menaces Ukraine militarily. AND BY THE WAY, they screech, PASS A LAW THAT SAYS EVERY M&M’S COMMERCIAL HAS TO BE 45 SECONDS OF THE RED ONE RAW-DOGGING THE GREEN ONE!!!!!
See, that’s what the GOP took away from the Trump era: there is no lie too big, no propaganda too Ernest Goes to Nuremberg moronic for their feral base to blindly swallow, so long as it offers fresh excuses to fear and despise those they disagree with politically. Which is how you wind up with “concerned parents” and even local Republican officials throwing indignant shitfits because they have inflicted so much damage to their own brains that they actually believe public schools are so goshdarn woke nowadays that they’re providing KITTY LITTER for children who identify as furries.
That’s REAL, folks. Watch the video. That lady sees herself as a bonafide goddamn hero, liberating America’s youth from the tyranny of shitting in boxes.
In many ways, Noot Gingrich is the Godfather of American Fascism, and he’s clearly in a hurry to get to the camps-n’-armbands phase, as his contract with Satan approaches its maturity date. Yeah, the decrepit little goose-stepper wants to lock up the whole dang January 6th Select Committee, because it is of course illegal to investigate, let alone punish acts of terrorist violence, provided said acts are perpetrated in the name of institutional white supremacy, under the We Were Totally Kidding About That ‘Equality’ Thing Act of 1882.
That committee, by the way, is looking into all kindsa fun stuff these days, such as the alleged plot to use the military to seize voting machines, and the boneheaded scheme to somehow smuggle fake electors into the certification process without anybody noticing, both totally legitimate under the Graham/Johnson Seriously No One Else is Allowed to Be in Charge bill, which stalled in committee, because Ron Johnson was tasked with drafting, and he does not know how to read or write.
Since his old boss refuses to pay the doubtlessly substantial stack of legal bills accumulated during his global crime spree/slow-motion self-immolation, cousin-fucking cousin-fucker Rudy Giuliani is now selling autographed 9/11 t-shirts for the low, low price of…nine hundred and eleven dollars, GET IT? I figure Rudes is about six weeks away from biting the heads off chickens for quarters in Marjorie Taylor Greene’s backyard.
The censorship craze sweeping MAGA nation led a Tennessee school board to ban Art Spielgelman’s Pulitzer-winning masterwork, MAUS, cuz we can’t have schoolchildren learning radical left-wing lessons like “Nazism is bad,” or “the Holocaust happened.” If you’ll permit me to extrapolate from the old expression, those who work to eradicate the truth about the past are absolutely horny to repeat it.
Down in DeSantistan, Republicans’re piggybacking on the prevailing critical race theory panic to also outlaw any positive discussion of LGBTQ folks in schools, because it’s just more efficient to burn all the books at once; you don’t want to have to keep making trips to the store for more lighter fluid, especially during a pandemic, though of course the pandemic is a Soros-funded false flag op.
The proposed legislation’s increasingly-familiar enforcement mechanism empowers parents to sue should their child be exposed to any points of view that deviate from Westboro Baptist’s. Got that? Toe the party line on anti-gay bigotry, or the state will drain your bank account directly into any eager homophobe’s pocket. I guess Republicans aren’t quite so opposed to the redistribution of wealth as I’ve been led to believe.
Freshly inaugurated Reichskommissar Glenn Youngkin is pulling the same type of shit, setting up a sinister little email snitch line, where any seething Klansman can complain, “I saw Goody Proctor teaching critical race theory!” I haven’t read the fine print, but I believe this only applies to families whose children survive Glenn’s fervent attempts to spread the coronavirus to every corner of every school in Virginia.
Incidentally, with the latest wave beginning to subside, the Covid news has mostly been encouraging. Mostly*. Regrettably, it’s turned out that Regeneron’s monoclonal antibody treatment is ineffective against the Omicron variant. Even Regeneron says so. In an even marginally sane society, we’d simply say “dang, that’s unfortunate,” and administer treatments that do work, but since so many of our compatriots have adopted a petulance-based belief system, we are once again walking the bleach/livestock dewormer/your own piss path.
(For certain segments of the American populace, there is no more effective advertising technique than doctors and scientists saying “this will not cure Covid.” I have an uncle who finally got out from under an ill-timed investment in the fleeting fidget spinner craze by painting his stock MAGA-hat red, and strategically posting “Dr. Fauci calls claims that ten minutes of fidget spinning daily is thirty times more effective at preventing coronavirus spread than vaccination ‘fucking batshit’,” on a handful of pro-Trump subreddits.)
Anyway, the FDA pulled emergency approval for the treatment, because, again, research shows it does not work. Naturally, Ron DeSantis, for reasons which surely have nothing to do with one of his biggest donors’ substantial investment in Regeneron, demands the Biden Administration reverse course, so that he can order Florida hospitals to pump patients full of a useless-but-expensive medication rather than anything that might actually restore them to health. For this, and other similarly homicidal behaviors, many Republicans feel DeSantis should be President. Sleep tight.
Bad news, everyone; Joe Biden is EXACTLY AS BAD AS DONALD TRUMP, for he did call propaganda-spewing nitwit Peter Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch,” which is quite a bit like calling a hat a hat. Still, the crowd that stood silently by as Tangerine Idi Amin incited violence targeting journalists every motherfucking day for five years suddenly remembered the First Amendment exists.
Folks, Peter Doocy is not a journalist. He’s not there to report news, he’s there to make it. His job, and I suppose he does it as well as a fellow with six ounces of curdled potato salad for a brain can, is to insert the agreed-upon right-wing talking points into the White House daily press briefing. Propagandists masquerading as journalists don’t deserve the protections granted to the free press, because, well, LOOK WHAT THEY’VE FUCKING DONE WITH THEM. Shit, Republicans call themselves all sorts of things. Reporters. Christians. Patriots.
When Smilin’ Joe isn’t busy crushing dissenting speech, or delivering growth at levels unseen in decades, he likes to unwind by brainstorming exciting new ways to persecute America’s most-oppressed subgroup: white dudes. And now, Justice Stephen Breyer’s retirement provides Biden with the perfect opportunity to fulfill a campaign pledge, to mail taxpayer-funded SCOTUS rejection letters to every single Caucasian male in the nation, reading NOT YOU LOSER HAW HAW HAW EAT MY ASS.
For a guy openly fantasizing about skipping to the head of the House committee chair line, Matt Gaetz sure does have a whole lotta former associates cooperating with the federal probe into allegations he trafficked minors for sex. That list, which already included an ex-girlfriend, now features a brand-new creep who can apparently corroborate megacreep Joel Greenberg’s testimony that Gaetz paid money to rape a teenager, so maybe there’s still time to get your deposit back on that gavel-wielding class, you walking turd.
Good gravy, what a massive pile of flaming hippo shit this week was. We got any good news? The Bidens got a cat, I see. Guess that’ll have to tide y’all over. Jesus. Stay safe out there, my friends, it’s…lordy, it’s somethin’. Fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
*Outside of the 2,000 daily deaths, of course. Man, wouldn’t it be great if we had a vaccine or three for this terrible, terrible disease?