Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I Don’t Care if it’s a Rap Battle or an IQ Test So Long as We Can Legally Use it to Reclaim the Presidency
Ah, a crisp autumn day. I can almost visualize the last dwindling threads of my sanity drifting to the ground like a dying leaf. It will be sweater weather soon, and my straightjacket will seem a blessing rather than an irritant.
Y’know, if William Shakespeare were around to write a play about these bat-poop-encrusted days, Carter Page would be the character in the Malvolio/Dogberry role; the blustering idiot with a near-fatal case of Dunning-Krueger syndrome, running to and fro across the stage, shooting his mouth off to the amusement/embarrassment of the audience.
After months of demanding the chance to clear his name in public, Carter’s suddenly all, “Welllllllll actually I’mma take the fifth so I don’t commit too much perjury,” which is behavior common to 96% of all innocent people, particularly in the realm of treason…right?
He’ll surely show up to his hearing with his stockings cross-gartered, is all I’m saying.
Didja see this shit in the Daily Beast? Where Don the Con’s babysitters, excuse me, “advisors,” talked him into threatening the free trade agreement with South Korea so as to get him to back off destroying NAFTA? Like, “Maybe if we let him have just a little trade war, he won’t insist on a massive, world-economy-wrecking one?”
Maybe we can try that strategy with North Korea…like, let him nuke some uninhabited Pacific island, tell him there are tortoises or gibbons there who made fun of his (tiny, unmanly) fingers. Get me James Mattis on the phone, dammit, this is surely worth a shot.
Hey, the President of the United States challenged his Secretary of State to an IQ test, that’s another totally normal thing that happened. So normal it’s boring. Obama was always dropping by Hillary’s office with little brainteasers and shit. Hell, they almost let bin Laden get away, cuz they were in the middle of a ferociously competitive Scrabble game, but Biden told them it was a Big Fucking Deal, so they stopped.
Anyway, the dude who wants a battle of wits thinks “liddle” is a word, so I say let’s do the test, and the winner gets to set North Korea policy.
Well, if there’s one thing the Drumpf era has brought us, it’s a veritable Renaissance in the long-neglected Behind the Scenes Accounts of an Idiot Manchild President Descending into Gibbering Madness, Sourced by Dozens of Leakers genre. It’s flat-out FLOURISHING.
Vanity Fair tells us the President “hate(s) everyone in the White House.” WaPo says he’s “lashing out.” And the L.A. Times says he’s siding with Sean Hannity over people who actually, y’know…WORK IN THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT. Anyway, we’re all just one colicky tantrum away from seeing mushroom clouds broadcast all across the lyin’ liberal media, seems to be the consensus.
A neo-confederate hate group managed to convince some “magistrate” to issue an arrest warrant for DeAndre Harris, for the high crime of Getting Beaten Within an Inch of His Life By the Shittiest White Losers on Earth. And to think, some folks say the justice system in this country has a racism problem.
Mike Ditka certainly doesn’t think so. I’m sure Drumpf will appoint him to head up the Civil Rights division at DoJ by the end of the week.
Hey, looks like Eminem may be auditioning for that Veep slot! You always hear about the “attack dog” aspect, right? Shit, you could broadcast the Pence/Mathers debate in 3-D IMAX. Huge ratings. Warren/Mathers ’20!
Meanwhile, the death toll keeps rising in Puerto Rico, which will perhaps lead to the rescinding of the Official Presidential Congratulations For Not Being a Real Disaster. Well, don’t worry, Puerto Rico…the President is asking for a multi-billion dollar loan for your relief efforts.
Wait, WHAT? A loan? A motherfucking LOAN? Americans dying because they haven’t had electricity or clean water for weeks, and you want them to PAY BACK THEIR FUCKING RELIEF FUNDS? I shudder to think about the interest rates President Fuckwad will charge. Can someone build a debtor’s prison large enough for an entire island? Asking for an amoral turdworm.
And we keep learning more and more about the monstrous evil perpetrated by Harvey Weinstein. And, seriously…fuck that guy for all eternity. With weird, sharp, oblong, candelabras.
But there’s this weird triumphalism on the right, like they’re off the hook for electing a serial sexual predator PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. What? Seriously…what do two wrongs make again?
There’s the weird chorus emerging in certain corners of the right wing loonosphere screaming “SEE! MIKE PENCE IS RIGHT! IF MEN WERE JUST LIKE MIKE PENCE AND NEVER LET THEMSELVES BE ALONE WITH WOMEN THEN MEN CAN’T RAPE WOMEN, IT’S MUCH HARDER TO RAPE SOMEBODY IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE UNLESS OF COURSE IT’S A FRAT PARTY.” Seb Gorka and Erick Erickson are particularly eager to parrot this line, I guess because they want the entire world to know what creepy little bastards they are.
Turns out Smallhands Magoo wants a massive increase in the nuclear arsenal! Why? My best guess is he wants to eliminate all living beings who know that Salma Hayek wouldn’t go out with him. And now we’ve got folks talking about Mattis and Kelly sitting around a table, late at night, sipping on cough syrup and ether, developing contingency plans for when President Manbaby lunges for the nuclear football, ISN’T 2017 NEAT?
Boy howdy, the Sunny D-Bag sure does hate dat First Amendment. It’s “frankly disgusting” to him, that the press has the freedom to publish what they want, even if it happens to be one of the ten thousand or so potential stories that reveal his criminal/embarrassing/treasonous behavior. Shit, he want to revoke NBC’s license, all over the Shocking Breaking News that he’s a Big Fat Fucking Moron.
Seriously, if it wasn’t for NBC’s cutting-edge journalism, America might not know, even today, that Drumpf’s a Moron. Hard-hitting shit. Without NBC, maybe we’d have to wait until some far-flung alien civilization sifted through the atomically-annihilated ruins of our world before figuring out “Holy shit, these people were governed by a thumb-sucking dickhead.”
Speaking of the amendment that’s first both in Constitution and in my heart, the Shart House continues its attacks on reporters and college professors who criticize them, as well as Black athletes bold enough to insist that their Lives Matter. (And let’s take a moment to shout out to the willing fascist collaborators among the NFL’s owners. FUCK ALL Y’ALL.) I tell ya, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has visions of running her own concentration camp dancing around in her mind like sugarplum fairies.
You sort of wonder when the Marmalade Shartcannon’s gonna start going after some of the other amendments, just for variety’s sake. I sort of expect to come home and find a few soldiers quartered in my apartment, eating my Hungry Man Dinners, getting that viscous compote fluid all over my comic books.
And Shart Carney’s long-delayed visit to England has been downgraded! He will no longer be a “guest of the Queen,” but will rather be a “guest of the shitty Oasis cover band that plays in tourist bars where they chill the beers for American tourists.”
Il Douche is reportedly backing off his bullshit claims that he and his shitbag family won’t pocket millions of dollars if he gets his crooked tax plan exacted. Well FUCK, y’all, he’s almost honest.
We keep learning all kinds of fun things about how the Russians used the Kaspersky anti-virus software to steal classified information. This seems like a good time to let you all know that I’m using special secret software to determine if Showercap blog readers think I look fat in this pants.*
Mitch McConnell wants to do away with the Senate’s “blue slip” process for judicial confirmations, because procedural norms are to be honored only when convenient for conservatives. Careful, Yertle…come January 2021, you may wake up to realize you’ve paved the path to Supreme Court Justice Alec Baldwin. Anyway, Chuck Grassley’s making noise, so this may not come to much, but keep an eye on it.
Politico tells us that Senate Democrats are worried about Russian interference in the pending (goddamn) midterms (which you should vote in). Oddly the GOP seems less than eager to move against the hostile foreign power that interfered in our electoral process…to their benefit. Tax Cuts for the Kochs and Mercers > Loyalty to Your Country, right, guys?
Roy Moore took a million bucks from a “charity” he founded to “promote Christian values” despite insisting that he wouldn’t, and contrary to the charity’s tax filings. I’m starting to think the Evangelical movement in this country is just one big symbiotic relationship between grifters and shitty white people who like to be told they’re God’s chosen idiots. Like Venom, only they hate Decency instead of Spider-Man.
Anyway, Roy’s gonna be a real hoot in the Senate, isn’t he?
Treasury’s Inspector General is reopening the investigation into Secretary Mnuchbag‘s travel, because it seems Steve-O wasn’t totally honest in his disclosures. And Ryan Zinke’s apparently been using taxpayer dollars to jet around to campaign events, which isn’t even a little bit legal, but hey, when the President’s assaulting the fundamental institutions of American Democracy, maybe you can sneak through with a little petty embezzlement, right?
And Cambridge Analytica, toy of the Mercers, is being investigated for potential collusion with Russia. CA has tentacles stretching from Bannon to Kushner and back again, so this’ll be a fun thread to follow.
Shit, even RUSH LIMBAUGH doesn’t think Tangerine Idi Amin should be ordering NFL players to stand for the anthem. How fucked do your actions have to be for a malleable hack like Rush to say, “Actually, even I can’t spin this shit?”
And now you’ve got Glenn Beck tweeting about the first amendment! Hell, if we can get a few of these conservatives to actually stand up for the things they claim to believe in, we’ll have a fuckin’ revolution on our hands.
Anyway, the malicious shitheads in Congress still haven’t managed to renew CHIP, because when you’re governed by 21st century Republicans, even “Hey, we should maybe not let children die” is a controversial proposal, apparently.
Donnie Two Scoops gave a speech to some truckers, about how much they’d benefit from the repeal of the estate tax, because lots of truckers leave 5.5 million dollar estates behind when they die. Ok, so there won’t be any truckers benefiting, but lots of Trump’s kids will! That’s practically the same thing, right?
Anyway, Shartboy missed a deadline for implementing legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, which probably isn’t anything anybody needs to read into. Nor is the Thank You card Putin sent him, complete with a 20-dollar gift card to Chuck E. Cheese.
Well, I know there’s more…there’s always stuff I miss, for which I apologize, but you don’t really wanna make me watch that Drumpf/Hannity interview, do you? DO YOU? I thought you liked me, Resisters. Give a bathrobe-and-lucha-mask-clad blogger a break, okay?
*Fuck you, Dale.
How about, the loser of the IQ test gets sent to North Korea? And left there.