Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Gather Ye Round For Tales of the LEGENDARY…Stephen Miller?
Folks, I know that shit be cray. I know there’s the impulse to say that it’s like “the inmates are running the asylum.” I just don’t think that’s quite fair.
It’s more like the inmates had a mail-in contest with all the other asylums, where they gave everybody a fifth-grade math test, and they let the bottom five scores run the asylum. The people who answered “What’s 3 plus 6” with “PUDDING!” are in charge now.
I’m surprised there was no formal announcement from the Shart House for “Blundering Idiocy Week,” especially since they’re doing a much better job of staying on message than they ever did with “Infrastructure Week.”
Taking point on the Dumbfuck Initiative was One-Experimental-Hair-Tonic-Generated-Heart-Attack-Away-From-the-Presidency Mike Pence, who grabbed a quarter of a million bucks from the petty cash tin, and flew to Indianapolis for a little False Flag/Fake Patriotism operation.
Yeah Pencey-Poo popped by the stadium juuuuust long enough to feign a lil’ outrage at a lil’ free speech, tweet out a fake photo, and stoke some Shitty White Guy Grievance before jetting off to a previously scheduled appointment on the coast. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.
(Four Green Berets were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger, and the President has has fuckall to say about that, but don’t worry, y’all…the whole Black Dudes Protesting thing? He’s ALL OVER IT.)
Naturally, Boss Shart himself wants to demonstrate leadership, particularly during “Boneheaded Fuckstick Week,” and so he sat down for an interview with Swollen Rage Tick Mike Huckabee.
Now, it takes a truly colossal dipshit to fuck up an interview with a guy who’s not only temperamentally predisposed to lobbing softballs, but whose daughter actually works for you, but let it never be said that Dorito Mussolini is anything less than an Olympic-Grade Doofus.
He blathered about his embarrassing paper-towel-lobbing like it was the Gettysburg Address. He lied a bit about taxes. Shit, he took credit for making up the word “fake.”
A New York Times bio revealed the extent of Presidential Advisor/Aggressively-Expanding Bald Spot Stephen Miller‘s lifelong commitment to Blundering Idiocy. Seems young Stephen, who has somehow latched onto white supremacy despite, y’know, BEING STEPHEN MILLER, once leapt onto the track at the tail end of a girl’s track race to prove his manly superiority. Not the whole race, mind you. Just the end. He raced some high school girls for just the end of their race.
You get the sense that Miller’s entire life is a series of failed attempts to prove himself superior to whomever happens to be nearest. Staring contests with cats and whatnot.
Y’know, Bannon got Stevie a hooker for his last birthday, but Miller spent about 45 minutes unsuccessfully trying to get her bra off before crying himself to sleep.
Anyway. Just because the focus has been on cartoonish dumbfuckery of late, I wouldn’t want you to think Team Shart has forgotten about raw evil. Cuz they haven’t. They’re actually FUNDRAISING OFF THE LAS VEGAS MASSACRE because DECENCY IS FOR CUCKS.
And Richard Spencer gathered a tiny band of dickless white boys to march in Charlottesville over the weekend. “You will not replace us!” they chanted, as though there were people lining up for miles to fill their Poorly Dressed Weenies Who No One Will Ever, Ever Sleep With (Even for Money) and Who Whinge About Video Games on Reddit roles.
(Word is, Spencer’s turnout was especially low because most of his movement was still home grieving over their inability to procure the Rick and Morty Szechuan Sauce at McDonald’s earlier in the day.)
Hey look, a few NFL teams are now ordering their players to stand for the anthem! Nice to see the private sector get in on all that hawt speech-squashing/white-supremacist action, isn’t it?
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? IF NOT, MAY WE INTEREST YOU IN A BOOK BURNING PERHAPS?
Since announcing his retirement, Senator Bob Corker has gone wild, hasn’t he? He’s let his hair down, taken off his glasses, and gone FULL SEXY LIBRARIAN. Sources tell me he’s asked his Senate colleagues to wear strings of beads while walking around Capitol Hill, which he intends to claim one by one in a vigorous flashing campaign.
He’s stumbling about D.C., hammered on wine coolers, giving interviews to all the fake news media about how Don the Con is basically a colicky baby, and how 95% of the American government is currently dedicated to preventing him from pushing buttons in the situation room in a fit of pique at something Jimmy Kimmel said.
And then Don lied a bit about how Corker begged him for an endorsement and also some Trump Steaks, and everyone pointed out he was lying, and Corker was like, “Hey, we should maybe not have a Nuclear War because of this tool,” because that’s the level of our discourse these days.
And Kellyanne griped about Corker’s tweets, because “world leaders see that,” because irony is buried six feet underneath Alanis Morissette’s house these days.
Ex Drumpf campaign aide Jason Miller thinks Corker should resign right now if he won’t back President Ostomy Bag’s agenda. I imagine Jason Miller is beyond used to people not doing what he wants them to do, so you don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings, Bob.
(It seems Bannon‘s on the Obey-Drumpf-or-Resign train, re: Corker. Eager little fascist, ain’t he?)
Scott Pruitt took time off from flying on private jets and jacking off to pictures of oil-covered endangered species in his taxpayer-funded soundproof booth to announce a reversal of the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, because we can’t have the gubmint impinging on fossil fuel companies’ inalienable rights to poison the air we breathe and the water we drink.
Pruitt declared a victory on the fictitious “War on Coal,” no doubt knowing he’ll have long since been fired before anyone thinks to ask “Hey, where are all those jobs you folks promised were coming back?”
Il Douche tweeted out a video whining about how nobody gives him credit for working so hard for Puerto Rico, because nobody could possibly work any harder for Puerto Rico, which is a weird thing to say when you’re in the middle of a three-day golf bender.
Now, if SCROTUS had claimed “Nobody could possibly have worked harder to deflect blame from the crisis in Puerto Rico,” well, THAT I don’t need a video to believe.
Shartboy’s FEMA director Brock Long made a point to say he’s “filtered out” the criticisms of San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, who keeps stubbornly insisting the island’s problems aren’t 100% solved just because hundreds of thousands of American citizens don’t have access to power and drinking water. What a great idea that is, to “filter out” a local leader with direct, useful knowledge of the community in crisis. I bet Eisenhower “filtered out” the French before D-Day.
Steve Scalise decided to thank the lesbian police officer who saved his life as only a right wing zealot can; addressing a “Values Voters Summit” for an anti-gay hate group!
Can you imagine? Can you imagine being so irrevocably warped by hatred and prejudice that you would lend your voice to an organization that works to deny fundamental rights to the woman who literally took a bullet for you? I have to admit that while I can comprehend, in an intellectual way, a lot of the right wing’s garbage, this one escapes me entirely.
Speaking of immoral fuckery, Tangerine Idi Amin is allegedly readying an executive order to gut the Obamacare markets, because no amount of needless suffering could ever satiate his bottomless desire for revenge on the Black Dude Who Laughed at Him That One Time.
And it seems Donnie Two Scoops reneged on his deal with Chuck n’ Nancy, regarding the DREAMers. Where he initially promised to keep funding for his Big Stupid Wall separate, now he wants not only wall money but a massive reduction in legal immigration, and also a date with Salma Hayek.
You know, I’m starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than honest.
We’re told Steve Bannon‘s working to challenge every Republican Senator to the left of Robert Kelly. He wants to bring violent felon Michael Grimm back to congress. He’s enlisting profiteer mass-murderer Erik Prince to challenge John Barrasso in Wyoming. (I mean, good luck, Darth Wino. Barrasso’s more popular in Wyoming than orgasms. That said…it’s a very conservative state.) He’ll probably have James Woods running for something before long.
Moving on, the usual roving pack of executive branch leakers report that the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days feverishly asking all available experts for new ideas on how he can help the suffering people of Puerto Rico.
HAHAH gotcha! Just kidding, he’s just wandering around in a slobbering fury bitching about NBC for reporting the story where Tillerson called him a fucking moron. He’s having little success in his quest to make America believe FuckingMoronGate is “fake news,” probably because he’s such a fucking moron.
(Can we get Marist to poll that one, by the way? I predict 20% of the American people believe the president is a “Moron,” 48% say “Fucking Moron,” and that reliably-brainwashed 32% says “nuh-uh, he’s not a Moron at all HE IS OUR GOD.”)
Speaking of Puerto Rico, the Shart Administration decided not to renew the island’s Jones Act waiver. I guess if you didn’t get all the supplies you need to rebuild after back-to-back devastating hurricanes in 10 days, that’s your fault, TAKERS.
You’ll be pleased to learn that after a long weekend of golf, your President spent today…GOLFING. With Lindsey Graham. Fucker won’t even pretend to work five days a week. I bet he didn’t even do that reading General Kelly assigned him (a hastily-assembled coloring book titled “Why Nuclear Holocaust is Bad for the Hotel Business).
And now Google’s the latest internet mega-company saying Russian agents bought ads on their platform seeking to influence last year’s campaign. Pretty soon we’re gonna find out Putin was paying Maria Menounos to push Drumpf in the pre-show entertainment at AMC theatres.
GOP congressdolt Sean Duffy insists President Shartcannon’s thrice-daily temper tantrums are part of some grand strategy to make people THINK he’s an Idiot Manchild so that…fuck, I don’t know. Look, if you’re willing to perceive anything remotely resembling “strategy” in this fuckhead’s chemically-imbalanced tantruming, I’d like to enlist your help in managing my Nigerian Prince buddy’s bank account.
Aaaaaaand Ivana and Melania are fighting on the internet, and it’s too stupid for me even joke about.
Fuck, y’all. I’m all outta beer, so if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna punch myself in the temple until I pass out, and with any luck I’ll wake up in Wonderland or Narnia or Mordor or something.
For those of you trapped in this reality…donate to Doug Jones, wouldja?