Gather Ye Round For Tales of the LEGENDARY…Stephen Miller?

Folks, I know that shit be cray. I know there’s the impulse to say that it’s like “the inmates are running the asylum.” I just don’t think that’s quite fair.

It’s more like the inmates had a mail-in contest with all the other asylums, where they gave everybody a fifth-grade math test, and they let the bottom five scores run the asylum. The people who answered “What’s 3 plus 6” with “PUDDING!” are in charge now.

I’m surprised there was no formal announcement from the Shart House for “Blundering Idiocy Week,” especially since they’re doing a much better job of staying on message than they ever did with “Infrastructure Week.”

Taking point on the Dumbfuck Initiative was One-Experimental-Hair-Tonic-Generated-Heart-Attack-Away-From-the-Presidency Mike Pence, who grabbed a quarter of a million bucks from the petty cash tin, and flew to Indianapolis for a little False Flag/Fake Patriotism operation.

Yeah Pencey-Poo popped by the stadium juuuuust long enough to feign a lil’ outrage at a lil’ free speech, tweet out a fake photo, and stoke some Shitty White Guy Grievance before jetting off to a previously scheduled appointment on the coast. YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.

(Four Green Berets were killed in a terrorist ambush in Niger, and the President has has fuckall to say about that, but don’t worry, y’all…the whole Black Dudes Protesting thing? He’s ALL OVER IT.)

Naturally, Boss Shart himself wants to demonstrate leadership, particularly during “Boneheaded Fuckstick Week,” and so he sat down for an interview with Swollen Rage Tick Mike Huckabee.

Now, it takes a truly colossal dipshit to fuck up an interview with a guy who’s not only temperamentally predisposed to lobbing softballs, but whose daughter actually works for you, but let it never be said that Dorito Mussolini is anything less than an Olympic-Grade Doofus.

He blathered about his embarrassing paper-towel-lobbing like it was the Gettysburg Address. He lied a bit about taxes. Shit, he took credit for making up the word “fake.”

A New York Times bio revealed the extent of Presidential Advisor/Aggressively-Expanding Bald Spot Stephen Miller‘s lifelong commitment to Blundering Idiocy. Seems young Stephen, who has somehow latched onto white supremacy despite, y’know, BEING STEPHEN MILLER, once leapt onto the track at the tail end of a girl’s track race to prove his manly superiority. Not the whole race, mind you. Just the end. He raced some high school girls for just the end of their race.

You get the sense that Miller’s entire life is a series of failed attempts to prove himself superior to whomever happens to be nearest. Staring contests with cats and whatnot.

Y’know, Bannon got Stevie a hooker for his last birthday, but Miller spent about 45 minutes unsuccessfully trying to get her bra off before crying himself to sleep.

Anyway. Just because the focus has been on cartoonish dumbfuckery of late, I wouldn’t want you to think Team Shart has forgotten about raw evil. Cuz they haven’t. They’re actually FUNDRAISING OFF THE LAS VEGAS MASSACRE because DECENCY IS FOR CUCKS.

And Richard Spencer gathered a tiny band of dickless white boys to march in Charlottesville over the weekend. “You will not replace us!” they chanted, as though there were people lining up for miles to fill their Poorly Dressed Weenies Who No One Will Ever, Ever Sleep With (Even for Money) and Who Whinge About Video Games on Reddit roles.

(Word is, Spencer’s turnout was especially low because most of his movement was still home grieving over their inability to procure the Rick and Morty Szechuan Sauce at McDonald’s earlier in the day.)

Hey look, a few NFL teams are now ordering their players to stand for the anthem! Nice to see the private sector get in on all that hawt speech-squashing/white-supremacist action, isn’t it?

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? IF NOT, MAY WE INTEREST YOU IN A BOOK BURNING PERHAPS?

Since announcing his retirement, Senator Bob Corker has gone wild, hasn’t he? He’s let his hair down, taken off his glasses, and gone FULL SEXY LIBRARIAN. Sources tell me he’s asked his Senate colleagues to wear strings of beads while walking around Capitol Hill, which he intends to claim one by one in a vigorous flashing campaign.

He’s stumbling about D.C., hammered on wine coolers, giving interviews to all the fake news media about how Don the Con is basically a colicky baby, and how 95% of the American government is currently dedicated to preventing him from pushing buttons in the situation room in a fit of pique at something Jimmy Kimmel said.

And then Don lied a bit about how Corker begged him for an endorsement and also some Trump Steaks, and everyone pointed out he was lying, and Corker was like, “Hey, we should maybe not have a Nuclear War because of this tool,” because that’s the level of our discourse these days.

And Kellyanne griped about Corker’s tweets, because “world leaders see that,” because irony is buried six feet underneath Alanis Morissette’s house these days.

Ex Drumpf campaign aide Jason Miller thinks Corker should resign right now if he won’t back President Ostomy Bag’s agenda. I imagine Jason Miller is beyond used to people not doing what he wants them to do, so you don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings, Bob.

(It seems Bannon‘s on the Obey-Drumpf-or-Resign train, re: Corker. Eager little fascist, ain’t he?)

Scott Pruitt took time off from flying on private jets and jacking off to pictures of oil-covered endangered species in his taxpayer-funded soundproof booth to announce a reversal of the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, because we can’t have the gubmint impinging on fossil fuel companies’ inalienable rights to poison the air we breathe and the water we drink.

Pruitt declared a victory on the fictitious “War on Coal,” no doubt knowing he’ll have long since been fired before anyone thinks to ask “Hey, where are all those jobs you folks promised were coming back?”

Il Douche tweeted out a video whining about how nobody gives him credit for working so hard for Puerto Rico, because nobody could possibly work any harder for Puerto Rico, which is a weird thing to say when you’re in the middle of a three-day golf bender.

Now, if SCROTUS had claimed “Nobody could possibly have worked harder to deflect blame from the crisis in Puerto Rico,” well, THAT I don’t need a video to believe.

Shartboy’s FEMA director Brock Long made a point to say he’s “filtered out” the criticisms of San Juan Mayor Carmen Yulín Cruz, who keeps stubbornly insisting the island’s problems aren’t 100% solved just because hundreds of thousands of American citizens don’t have access to power and drinking water. What a great idea that is, to “filter out” a local leader with direct, useful knowledge of the community in crisis. I bet Eisenhower “filtered out” the French before D-Day.

Steve Scalise decided to thank the lesbian police officer who saved his life as only a right wing zealot can; addressing a “Values Voters Summit” for an anti-gay hate group!

Can you imagine? Can you imagine being so irrevocably warped by hatred and prejudice that you would lend your voice to an organization that works to deny fundamental rights to the woman who literally took a bullet for you?  I have to admit that while I can comprehend, in an intellectual way, a lot of the right wing’s garbage, this one escapes me entirely.

Speaking of immoral fuckery, Tangerine Idi Amin is allegedly readying an executive order to gut the Obamacare markets, because no amount of needless suffering could ever satiate his bottomless desire for revenge on the Black Dude Who Laughed at Him That One Time.

And it seems Donnie Two Scoops reneged on his deal with Chuck n’ Nancy, regarding the DREAMers. Where he initially promised to keep funding for his Big Stupid Wall separate, now he wants not only wall money but a massive reduction in legal immigration, and also a date with Salma Hayek.

You know, I’m starting to think this Trump fellow is something less than honest.

We’re told Steve Bannon‘s working to challenge every Republican Senator to the left of Robert Kelly. He wants to bring violent felon Michael Grimm back to congress. He’s enlisting profiteer mass-murderer Erik Prince to challenge John Barrasso in Wyoming. (I mean, good luck, Darth Wino. Barrasso’s more popular in Wyoming than orgasms. That said…it’s a very conservative state.) He’ll probably have James Woods running for something before long.

Moving on, the usual roving pack of executive branch leakers report that the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days feverishly asking all available experts for new ideas on how he can help the suffering people of Puerto Rico.

HAHAH gotcha! Just kidding, he’s just wandering around in a slobbering fury bitching about NBC for reporting the story where Tillerson called him a fucking moron. He’s having little success in his quest to make America believe FuckingMoronGate is “fake news,” probably because he’s such a fucking moron.

(Can we get Marist to poll that one, by the way? I predict 20% of the American people believe the president is a “Moron,” 48% say “Fucking Moron,” and that reliably-brainwashed 32% says “nuh-uh, he’s not a Moron at all HE IS OUR GOD.”)

Speaking of Puerto Rico, the Shart Administration decided not to renew the island’s Jones Act waiver. I guess if you didn’t get all the supplies you need to rebuild after back-to-back devastating hurricanes in 10 days, that’s your fault, TAKERS.

You’ll be pleased to learn that after a long weekend of golf, your President spent today…GOLFING. With Lindsey Graham. Fucker won’t even pretend to work five days a week. I bet he didn’t even do that reading General Kelly assigned him (a hastily-assembled coloring book titled “Why Nuclear Holocaust is Bad for the Hotel Business).

And now Google’s the latest internet mega-company saying Russian agents bought ads on their platform seeking to influence last year’s campaign. Pretty soon we’re gonna find out Putin was paying Maria Menounos to push Drumpf in the pre-show entertainment at AMC theatres.

GOP congressdolt Sean Duffy insists President Shartcannon’s thrice-daily temper tantrums are part of some grand strategy to make people THINK he’s an Idiot Manchild so that…fuck, I don’t know. Look, if you’re willing to perceive anything remotely resembling “strategy” in this fuckhead’s chemically-imbalanced tantruming, I’d like to enlist your help in managing my Nigerian Prince buddy’s bank account.

Aaaaaaand Ivana and Melania are fighting on the internet, and it’s too stupid for me even joke about.

Fuck, y’all. I’m all outta beer, so if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna punch myself in the temple until I pass out, and with any luck I’ll wake up in Wonderland or Narnia or Mordor or something.

For those of you trapped in this reality…donate to Doug Jones, wouldja?