Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I Know of No Reason Why the PowerPoint Treason Should Ever Be Forgot
I’ve decided to adjust my attitude about this whole Fall-of-Rome thing we’ve got going on in America; I’m just gonna rub it in young folks’ faces, all the rights and privileges I had when I was their age. “Oh yeah, it was fuckin’ fantastic, you could tell the truth about history…shit, if the government botched a pandemic response, killing hundreds of thousands of people and crashing the economy in the process, you were allowed to replace ‘em with a whole ‘nother government, it was pretty nifty!” And then they’ll cry all the way to work in the Amazon mines.
Well, thanks to New Hampshire Republicans, you can officially scratch “McCarthyite loyalty oaths” off your Happening Here bingo card. If these thought police thugs get their way, you’ll have to pledge allegiance to the intentional, whitewashed indoctrination of children if you want to hold a job as a teacher in the Granite State.
Meanwhile, Texas school districts are vigorously purging hundreds of books from public school libraries, which is sinister and terrifying, yes, but also, like…do y’all really imagine you’re going to trick folks into believing bigotry is a liberal hoax, when the entire fucking purpose of the Republican Party (beyond cutting the mega-wealthy’s taxes, of course) is the preservation of white political dominance at any cost? Like, “Wow, those old white dudes keep stripping minorities of their voting rights, I wonder what that’s all about? I can confidently rule out institutional racism, since all reality was surely contained within the confines of my middle school library, which is also why pornography doesn’t exist.”
Incidentally, I see Governor Tate Reeves is absolutely horny for Anti Choicey Barrett and her gang of manic theocrats to formally end Roe v. Wade so he can finally align women’s rights in Mississippi neatly with his third-world coronavirus response…or he would be, anyway, if demonically enchanted Cabbage Patch dolls possessed genitals capable of arousal. Shit, maybe they do. Somebody should check. Um…not it.
So, the big new trend in wingnut Congressjag circles is rubbing salt in the Oxford High School community’s extremely fresh wounds, by snickeringly spreading shitty little Xmas cards, depicting their heavily-armed, terror-cell-waiting-for-activation spawn, because the “family values” crew is all about mocking the mourning and trolling the traumatized these days. Y’know, these spiteful freaks only attain MAGA stardom in the first place through indecent behavior, up to and including harming, or even killing people, (see Rittenhouse, Kyle) in case anybody’s wondering where all this is heading.
Well, it’s lookin’ like SHITSACK CIVIL WAR in Georgia, where insider-trading plutocrat David Perdue announced a primary challenge to the incumbent Republican Governor, vote-suppressing autocrat Brian Kemp. The only issues at stake here are perceived loyalty to a fascist game show host, and whether or not it’s worth the trouble of formally crafting framework to legally disenfranchise minorities, such is the state of the discourse in the Grand Old White Nationalist Death Cult.
Kemp can point to the six county election boards the state GOP has taken over, replacing local Black Democrats with apostles of the Big Lie, as proof that his bureaucratic approach to institutionalizing white supremacy works just fine, but it’s clear there’s a constituency that longs for a return to the days of burning crosses and hooded terror. It ain’t Aunt Bee’s chicken casserole these folks’re nostalgic for, y’know.
Off-Brand Orbán once again casually confessed to firing Jim “The Man Who Fucked Up the Entire Course of Human History” Comey because he’s a great, big, fat, fucking criminal who feared justice, and desperately wanted to obstruct it. We can skip to the sentencing phase any time now, is all I’m saying.
And I see Devin Nunes, deprived by redistricting of his traitor-friendly personal electorate, decided to take his war on democracy, decency, and competency to the private sector, retiring from Congress to run the Velveeta Vulgarian’s social media startup. Now, the company is already under investigation, because fucking of course it is, but I think the feds should step back and let nature take its course here, because when the business genius who somehow figured out a way to lose money in the casino industry teams up with the treacherous clod who lost a lawsuit to an internet cow, you’re gonna see failure on a goddamn cosmic scale, folks. It’ll be like a Tom Waits song about the Washington Generals getting hooked on meth.
Speaking of the clump of septic mediocrity comprising Hairplug Himmler’s inner circle, it appears Mark Meadows received the telltale tug on the leash from those tiny, inadequate hands, and thus withdrew his previous agreement to cooperate with the January 6th commission, though not before sharing the Assclown Autogolpe’s actual POWERPOINT PRESENTATION outlining the (stupid, stupid) plan to end American democracy, which is what pops up now if you say, “Siri, show me the banality of evil” into your iPhone.
It’d be nice if the media would pay more attention to this shit, but I understand Kamala Harris, that pot-purchasing jezebel, is now in the midst of a fresh, new, earbud scandal. America was pretty cool, while it lasted.
For decades to come, Real Muricans’ eyes will well up with petulant tears as they recollect, in intimate detail, precisely where they were and what they were doing when some homeless guy set the Fux Nooz Xmas tree on fire*. The network’s stable of snarling propagandists took a break from normalizing and/or inciting right wing violence to wail and moan and beat their breasts over this dastardly attack on the gaudy, hollow self-worship they so cynically peddle as patriotism.
And yes, you should absolutely dust off your old compare/contrast skills from high school English class to analyze the difference between Fux’s coverage of this bunless nothingburger to their yearlong, nigh-ritualistic minimization of the Capitol Riot, if only to understand how the greatest democracy in human history found itself on the precipice of committing suicide-by-overindulged-idiocy.
Anyway, if you’re struggling with the holiday shopping for your radicalized relatives, you can never go wrong offering up some fresh excuse to wallow around in the soothing sty of sweet, sweet victimhood. And don’t bother about believability or logical consistency; just tell ‘em you saw the CEO of Whirlpool criticize Trump on Maddow the other night, and kick back with a beer while they take a sledgehammer to their own dryer.
Celebrity child molester/close, personal friend to the Huckabee family Josh Duggar was convicted on two child pornography counts, so for a couple decades anyway, Republican politicians will have to visit him in prison to get those photo ops they’re all so fond of.
Well, it’s been a few weeks since anybody paid any attention to his fool ass, so Ron Johnson waddled out onstage just long enough to claim that…fuck, I’m getting exhausted just typing this…that mouthwash kills the coronavirus, which of course it does not do, and I don’t think I’m unreasonable in believing this doofus should take himself a little hiatus from writing laws the rest of us have to obey until he works out how to vet information on the internet as well as a 5th grader. There’s a one hundred percent chance that RoJo has leaked classified information to at least one catfishing Ashley Madison account, by the way.
On a certain level, expecting the Deposed Dotard to pay attention to a single legal defeat amidst a lifetime of judicial drubbings is like asking a sandwich artist to recollect one particular meatball sub, but this latest setback likely stings a bit extra, since a federal appeals court ruled he’s not allowed to hide presidential records pertaining to the Stoopid Coo from the January 6th commission in those ridiculous balloon pants of his. Better call Saul, you weaselly little turd.
So, GOOD NEWS, the Kickstarter for my newest comic book, ODD YARNS, is over, and we funded successfully! I cannot thank y’all enough for supporting these projects, making comics has been life-changing for me, and in a positive way, not a hey-look-at-all-the-fascists-getting-elected way.
Anyway, after three Kickstarters in a little more than a year, I finally get to STOP ASKING Y’ALL FOR MONEY for the foreseeable future, won’t that be nice? If you did pledge to ODD YARNS, rewards surveys went out today, so check the ol’ junk folder if you don’t see the e-mail in your regular inbox. And if you didn’t pledge, may the guilt consume you until the next time I’m selling something.
Well, I’d say we’ve all earned our weekend after enduring that shitstorm. Stay safe out there, friends, I don’t think it’s gonna let up any time soon…
*I myself was shitting out the undigested portions of the previous evening’s Hungry Man Dinner.
**Not kidding. At all. Not even a little.