Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
It Was a Lovely Constitution. A Shame We Had to Terminate It.
It is with the heaviest of hearts I come to you from Donald Trump’s surprise second term. I’d hoped we’d avoid this scenario, what with that landslide election he lost, but I foolishly forgot about the self-destruct clause the founders wove into the Constitution, triggered, as every schoolchild knows, whenever two idiot billionaires are wrong about the First Amendment at the same time.
And while I feel the leap to terminating the whole dang Constitution was a touch unwarranted here, I suppose this is just how history happens now, driven by the misconceptions of the morons with the richest daddies. Doesn’t strike me as any way to run a railroad, but at any rate, I am legally obliged to inform you the second inauguration was the single most attended event in human history, by several orders of magnitude.
It’s all so stupid and exhausting. I don’t specifically remember a plague of oddly confident dumbasses in the Old Testament story, but maybe God was just saving the good shit for a culture that needed a really special lesson.
I’m starting to understand why Republicans’re demanding so many investigations into Hunter Biden, since they seem to believe his dong is powerful enough to make millions of voters ignore a mismanaged pandemic and a crashed economy, and re-elect the blithering jackass responsible for both, even though he thinks the questions at the end of a cognitive test are “difficult.”
The must be some penis, is all I’m saying.
It would be really cool if anyone involved in inventing or disseminating this breathtakingly dumb narrative cared that they were so completely incorrect about the First Amendment, or “shadow banning,” or the mystical election-granting powers of Hunter Biden’s laptop, but I suppose that would require any number of qualities that’ve fallen out of fashion on the Right: thoughtfulness, humility, decency…I shouldn’t’ve even brought it up.
Anyway, yeah, the 45th President of the United States and frontrunner for the GOP’s 2024 presidential nomination once again used the first, flimsy excuse presented to call for the overthrow of the entire constitutional order, he does that sort of thing from time to time, especially when he’s feeling cornered…sometimes people dress up and build gallows, it’s a whole thing.
Off-Brand Orbán’s casual fascism earned mostly silence from institutional Republicans, though it did get one whole minute on Fox News, and a brief, lonely round of applause from Paul Gosar, who likes to remind us from time to time that there’s a white nationalist dentist with a not-quite-functioning brain serving in the House of Representatives.
Between this and the Ye/Fuentes dinner, Republicans have been offered a steakhouse dessert cart of off-ramps, but I guess they’re watching their weight, though they always seem to find room for one more slice of electoral defeat.
Which brings us to the Georgia Senate runoff, and the most welcome end to the freakiest goddamn election cycle of my lifetime. Oh Herschel, I think I’ll miss you most of all, though I certainly hope you come to no harm in the never-ending war between vampires and werewolves, to which I assume you now return.
The state of conservative thinking has fallen so far that they apparently need debates and postmortems to figure out what went wrong in the 2022 midterms. Yeah, it’s a mystery, fellas.
Perhaps the answers lie in the chemtrails Doug Mastriano has been studying in his newfound free time, or the halo of Charmin-soft light surrounding Kari Lake on her wingnut media tour, or the unceasing parade of weirdos meeting with the drooling fop y’all have, for reasons which have never been quite clear to me, chosen to worship.
Why, in smoky cloakrooms, deep state pubs, and Clinton Foundation organ-harvesting lounges, talk has even turned to candidate quality, a blasphemous assault on a tried-and-true system that rewards those bold enough to paint game show hosts on their lawn.
In Republicans’ defense, the object of their adulation rewards them with a reliable stream of humiliation and defeat, and I think by now, we have to assume they’re into that. The Dotard was already a first ballot Loser Hall of Famer, but I think he’s doing some of his finest work right now. Watching Donald Trump lose is like watching Jordan in the playoffs, while Picasso paints Guernica on the backboard.
How can one man lose so often and so massively without simply dissipating in the wind? Most losers would lose the unlosable midterms and call that a fine day’s work, but not our Donald. Just this week, he faced potential criminal referrals from the January 6th committee, amidst a fresh wave of subpoenas from the new special counsel, to say nothing of the classified documents that keep popping up in his possession or, oh yeah, the seventeen felony tax fraud convictions. It’s like a century of Cubs baseball every three days.
Yes, victories have been hard to come by for the GOP of late, though they did sneak a reversal of the Pentagon’s Covid vaccine mandate into the NDAA, a triumph for the forces that would see more preventable diseases spread through our military, forces that’re surprisingly well-represented on Capitol Hill.
I wouldn’t worry, though, John Bolton will save the Republican Party. He’s gonna jump into the primary y’see, and Trump doesn’t stand a chance against that Hanna-Barbera-but-vaguely-genocidal charisma.
Milo Yiannapolous was fired from Kanye West’s “presidential campaign,” apparently losing a power struggle to Nick Fuentes; fortunes shift swiftly in the grifter game of thrones.
Speaking of which, I confess I haven’t allowed myself to indulge in fantasies of Kevin McCarthy’s yearslong crawl though MAGA sewage ending in one final Coachella porta-potty rather than the speakership; it feels like asking Santa for the shiniest toy in the Marshall Fields window when you know mom and dad can’t afford it…but to sell so much of your soul, only to trip over the likes of Matt Gaetz and Andy Biggs at the finish line…oh man, I would walk out of that movie satisfied.
Not since Fox called Arizona have I seen Cult45 as incensed as that time an American citizen got released from unjust captivity in Putin’s Russia. They’re, uh, not taking the Brittney Griner news well, are they? Ye gods. An unusually ugly tantrum thrown by the ugliest tantrum-throwers in an ugly, ugly movement. Salty, no doubt, from the tears shed over the passage of the Respect for Marriage Act.
Heck, even the House sponsor of DeSantistan’s odious “Don’t Say Gay” law got indicted for wire fraud. Maybe he can share a cell with the election denier who voted illegally nine times. Of course, the real action on the anti-gay Right happens on the grassroots/terrorist level, as we saw in Columbus, and possibly Moore County, North Carolina.
I see we started exporting QAnon at some point, and all the fuckwit terrorist plotting that goes along with it. My apologies to Germany, though you have to admit it’s exciting we got in on the ground floor of the hot, new, global madness economy.
I think we’re going to be a leader in the field for the foreseeable future. That said, I’ve had my fill for the time being, so I’ll sign off here. Don’t lose too much sleep over Sinema, friends. And stay safe; it’s still pretty weird out there, and we need ya.