Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Kanye. Elon. Trump. Gosh, Where Did It All Go Wrong?
I hope that like me, you’re still enjoying the hey-that-wasn’t-so-badness of the recent midterms, though of course there’s ample fuckery to discuss tonight. On the Right, it is a time of reflection. Or it would be, if anybody’s brain still worked over there.
They’re doing another one of those How in the Bright Twinkling Fuck Did We Blow This autopsies, but they recruited Christian nationalist venture capital ghoul Blake Masters for the “advisory council.” Good luck. Watching the chum from the red wave that wasn’t settle at the bottom of the tank, you cannot but be awed by the pure, incandescent unteachability of these people.
And certainly, the intersection of fascism and failure is not one where top drawer talent tends to congregate, but the future of the GOP looks…hoo. Bit grim.
After failing damn near every test of basic human decency for years, expectations of political courage from the Republican Party are appropriately low, but I feel like the Ye/Fuentes dinner was like the teacher taking pity on the paste-eating kid and giving him a sticker for spelling his name right.
So, the former Kanye West’s public breakdown slash Neo-Nazi media tour swung by Mar-a-Lago for a dinner party, with prominent anti-Semite Nick Fuentes in tow. That’s an easy one, fellas. Do you realize how fucked up it is, how warped your party has become, that any of you did anything except condemn it, at the top of your lungs, at the earliest opportunity?
Especially here, in the immediate aftermath of the third consecutive election this idiot game show host’s fashy shenanigans cost you. Cognitive test-passing abilities notwithstanding, he’s not exactly a hot prospect with a bright future, y’know? Can y’all just take the goddamn off-ramp, pick up a fucking bucket, and join the rest of us in fighting the fire y’all started? Please?
No, somehow it took still more vileness from Ye, a stream of babbling bigotry that shocked even Alex Jones, to make the House GOP recant their allegiance to America’s most famous Jew-hater, so that’s another Tootsie Pop we finally got to the center of. Congratulations on barely beating out Parler, by the way.
That’s about where the Republican Party lives these days, just outside Parler, and I don’t think you should need an autopsy report from Blake Masters (though he keeps a couple under his mattress) to figure out how America got so sick of your shit.
Lookin’ at YOU, Arizona Republicans. Goddammit you guys, must we really do this? No off-ramps will be taken by the Republican Party of Arizona, no fit shall remain unpitched, but you can’t make anyone pay attention to your tired act. The brief, feeble rebellion of some rural county whose name I refuse to look up garnered less attention than a frivolous macaroni lawsuit, or Mitt Romney’s all too fleeting beard, but by all means, keep trying to make Kari Lake happen.
Hey, maybe America’s just sick of loud, crazy, hateful assholes, ever think of that?
Look at the way your shitty little movement responded to the mass shooting in Colorado Springs. Look at what Ben Shapiro said. What Matt Walsh said. What Herschel Walker said, on the campaign trail. If your stomach can take it, watch Trump attorney Jenna Ellis’ obscene take.
Loud. Crazy. Hateful. Assholes. When you put it like that, the electoral drawbacks seem clear, don’t they?
Think about that while you wheel Herschel around Georgia Weekend-at-Bernies-style, ducking new abuse allegations and hoping no reporter corners you on the divisive werewolf/vampire issue. Your moms must be so proud of you.
Ah well, I wouldn’t worry, not with Kevin McCarthy’s steady hand on the tiller. He’ll lead you through these turbulent times, he’s real good at leadin’, just give him a minute to finish capitulating to Fuentes associate Marjorie Taylor Greene; she needs her committees back, y’see, if he wants her support for Speaker, and oh yeah, also a blank check from taxpayers to “investigate” every internet hoax she falls for. (And folks, she falls for ‘em all.)
Thing’re gonna change ‘round these parts under Marshal McCarthy, you’ll see. They’re gonna READ THE CONSTITUTION OUT LOUD WHY DON’TCHA CRY ABOUT IT LIBTARD and admittedly it gets a little murky after that, but the Constitution-reading part, that’s down in INK. They’re gonna read the shit outta that Constitution. That and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s committees. Consider it a contract, America.
Maybe the future of the party is Mike Pompeo, who’s bold enough to e’er-so-lightly criticize his old boss, though never ever ever by name, like some Ministry of Magic functionary J.K. Rowling doesn’t want you to respect. When he’s not busy cowering or groveling, Mike enjoys picking fights with teachers’ unions, and deluding himself that doing so will help him get elected President.
While we’re on the subject of Republican leadership, please tell me there are debates in the RNC chair race. Scalpers could charge me whatever they wanted to watch Mike Lindell spar with Ronna Romney? I Don’t See Any Romneys over the issues of the day.
Incidentally, Madison Cawthorn, destined to be remembered as “too big a loser for the McCarthy caucus, ouch” offered some parting wisdom on the issue of masculinity, in case anybody couldn’t get into the Kyle Rittenhouse seminar.
Twitter’s still in rich-kid-smashing-his-new-toy-against-the-wall-wondering-why-it-won’t-work mode. Elon, mobilizing the full capacity of his genius intellect to combat his advertiser flight problem, restored Covid disinformation, as well as accounts suspended for hate speech and inciting violence, including, of course, the Dotard’s, and several prominent global brands were crushed to death in the ensuing stampede to line up to sponsor the entirely predictable wave of slurs that followed.
And while Wee Donnie One-Term would surely love to return to his older, much larger platform, he’s locked into his sad, shabby knockoff, which has somehow failed to achieve cultural dominance under the leadership of cow-vanquished sycophant Devin Nunes. Which is surely unwelcome news for anyone attempting to wring profits from a $44 billion investment in an online playground for blackpilled dipshits. And once again we find ourselves at the limit of the loud, crazy, hateful asshole model.
What else, what ellllllllse…I always like to drift off at night to the slow, steady pitter-patter of Donald Trump losing in court. House Ways and Means finally got ahold of those covetously guarded tax returns, part of a broader trend of cynical stall tactics finally playing out. Oh, and Aileen Cannon’s courtroom is not, after all, a one-stop shop for recently dethroned autocrats who need large, clumsy crimes retroactively legalized.
Speaking of the rule of law, look out, federal prison system, there’s a new subpar softboi gang headed your way, and I hope you’re ready for a lot of tedious arguments about whether or not there’s a constitutional right to have your birthday cake baked in the shape of Mike Pence hanging from a gibbet.
Yes, Stewart Rhodes and his doofus buddies got their cosplay revolutionary asses convicted of some big, fat federal crimes, including seditious conspiracy. Seditious conspiracy. Can’t wait to see what Texas school boards strip from the history textbooks when they get to this year, y’know?
Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s quietly doing Joe Biden stuff: winning elections, creating jobs, and delivering overdue changes to the Democratic primary calendar, all without sharing a single meal with a single Nazi. But by all means, ask Blake Masters to help you unravel the mystery before you. I hope you’re paying him.
I will be conducting my own autopsy, of the craft beer sampler in the fridge, by Sunday at the latest. You stay safe out there, friends. Oh, and the paste-eating kid was me. Obviously.