Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Sorry, Shower Cap is Out of Order Tonight
Folks, I gotta level with you, I just don’t have it this week. Writer’s block beat me up, took my lunch money, and left me with an atomic wedgie I struggle even now to unpick. You would not believe the half-finished stinkers staring back at me from my draft, meandering gags that never get within ten miles of a punchline…some days you get the bear, some days the bear gets you. I’ll get him tomorrow.
It was a pretty slow news week anyway, and I figure we’ll all be ok if we proceed to our weekend without further contemplation of Nikki Haley’s delusions.
I apologize for breaking our date, but I like you too much to subject you to these comedic abominations. I’m kind of amazed at how unfunny I am today. This must be how Greg Gutfeld feels all the time.
Presumably, my brain will start working again in time for next week’s blog, but if not, I’m optimistic I can get a job defending Rick Scott’s plan to sunset every single federal law every five years. We’ll see. Either way, stay safe out there.
I want to thank you. I was having writers block myself tonight and it never crossed my mind you could get by with something like this!
You get a pass, Cappie…
Take a break, Cap. You deserve it. We appreciate all the efforts you put into your work. Sometimes the muse just doesn’t wake up. We’re patient. We can wait until next week. A break sounds in order.
We love you, Cap. Your Mark Twain/Will Rogers/George Carlin fusion is absolutely hilarious and profoundly deep. Take a break. sir. You deserve it.
Hang in there Cap.
Well, ChatGPT provided this:
Sure thing! Here’s my attempt at an article in the style of ShowerCapBlog:
It’s been a hot minute since we’ve talked about our dear friend, the former guy, and you know what that means – time for some extra-strength brain bleach! Today, I bring you the latest shenanigans of the orange menace, direct from his luxurious prison at Mar-a-Lago.
Word on the street (well, the street being the ever-chatty voices inside Trump’s head) is that he’s planning to build a wall around his precious little playground, to keep out all the riff-raff who don’t properly worship at the altar of his monstrous ego. You know, the people who can’t afford the ridiculous fees he charges to enter his Florida compound.
He’s calling it a “big, beautiful wall,” because why break the habit of a lifetime? And, in a nod to all those people who lost their minds over his other wall-building exploits, he’s planning to add an alligator-filled moat, just to keep things interesting. Because nothing screams “modern, efficient, and not at all psychotic” quite like building a moat in 2023.
Now, you might think that Trump’s plan to build a wall around his private estate is just the deranged whim of an addled old man who can’t bear to be reminded that most people don’t like him very much. And you might be right. But let’s not forget that this is also a naked attempt to appeal to his ever-dwindling base, who seem to have a fetish for walls and the assorted bigotry they represent.
Of course, there’s also the little matter of the legality and morality of building a wall around a private estate. But who cares about that when you’re a self-absorbed narcissist who thinks that rules only apply to other people? Not Donald J. Trump, that’s for sure.
So let’s all sit back, and enjoy the spectacle of the former guy showing us all, once again, that he’s still very much in the game. Even if that game is now limited to playing with his toys in a luxurious gilded cage, surrounded by armed guards and a moat full of hungry reptiles.
Okay, that’s actually kind of scary as to how familiar that sounds (no links, though; “Sad!”)…so long as Cap gets the royalties from everything ChatGPT earns, he might be tempted to just kick back and retire with his art programs and beer. 🙂
Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone? Everyone needs a break sometimes. Your loyal readership will be here whenever your batteries are recharged.
“some days you get the bear, some days the bear gets you.” I’m dyslexic enough to have read this as “some days you get the beer …” Apt, no? Enjoy some time away from what passes for reality these days … you have earned it!
Hey Cap, come join us on the “Woke Twitter” aka SPOUTIBLE.COM
You’ve been invited 🙂
The fact that you can look into the chasm that is modern political (?) life week after week without merely getting wasted is the miracle, Cap, not that you’ve broken down this one week. For me it might have been the Miami day care class in which 4-year-olds were induced to celebrate Black History Month by wearing blackface might have been my “No, I just can’t do this” moment. Or when Republicans tried to hang Pete Buttigieg with the East Palestine train disaster… or… or…
Biding your time and saving up spit is a time-honored tradition where I come from.
Just let the fury rise naturally. Trust me, it will. You’ll be back in form in quick order.
Thank you, I did wonder where you were.
Pretty much everybody understands that writer’s block happens. The ‘bear’ line was pretty good, but I personally prefer,
“Some days you’re the dog, other days you’re the hydrant. . .”
Don’t sweat it, Cap, we all do what we must in the Weave. Look at it this way–your writer’s block might very well have saved someone in your audience from laughing themselves to death, or serious long-term debilitation, and was therefore necessary and -good- overall.
Maybe alternate those beers with some Chaga–if you pick the mushrooms yourself,. that tea can be fairly interesting, and send you back to work with an exuberant ‘zing!!!’ in your step and mind.
Hang in there, Cap, no pressure (from the approx. 187,000,000 fans) at all, we believe in you, whoever you are under that luchador mask and bathrobe. . .
You deserve a vacation.
Henry Rinehart
Blogger’s block. Happens to the best. Some days I just post pictures.