Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
This Asshole Again
Dunno about you, but I’m still riding high on last week’s wave of catharsis. Making sandwiches from leftover schadenfreude. Knocking ascendant American fascism on its ass gives one a warm, healthy glow, don’t you agree?
I’m sure you enjoyed the steady trickle of election news this week. It was like the closing stages of a night at one of those Brazilian steakhouses where they keep dropping by your table to tempt you with succulent meats. Oh, I couldn’t possibly have one more b-wait, Adam Laxalt lost? I’ll make room. Maybe one last serving of Slate of Trump-Endorsed Weirdos Goes Down in Flames.
That Arizona vote count was exquisitely paced, my compliments to the local deep state. First Finchem, (and if you haven’t already, treat yourself to his Twitter meltdown*) then Thiel’s pet ghoul, and finally, Kari Lake, a crushing disappointment to those who like their autocracy best when it’s lit like mid-period Joan Crawford.
There doesn’t seem to be as much stomach to keep election denialism going this time around, (because of all the losing, probably) but I’m sure Lake is willing to spend as much of Mike Lindell’s money as it takes to keep her face in front of the endlessly bilkable MAGA mob. Her first move was to fly down to Mar-a-Lago to meet with the 45th President of the United States and a pro wrestling promoter, because that’s just how shit works in this, our healthiest of all possible democracies.
Anyway, given expectations, I barely minded when they finally announced that Kevin McCarthy would, in fact, gain just enough rope in the Congress to come to hang himself, heading a tiny, tottering majority, held together with scotch tape, anal leakage, and Marjorie Taylor Greene, (but I repeat myself) assuming he isn’t accidentally killed in some Freedumb Caucus hazing ritual first.
One can’t help but draw comparisons, with one of the most significant and effective House Speakers in history passing the torch this week. Nancy Pelosi’s accomplishments are too impressive to even discuss in my crass little blog, whereas K-Dawg sold American democracy out at every opportunity for the chance to spend two years stage-managing The Hunter Biden Show. And he’s the very best they’ve got.
Honesty, watching the turdpit knife fight taking place in what’s left of the Republican Party, now that we’ve skimmed the last microscopic traces of decency off the top…it’s been a bit nauseating, but I’m generally enjoying myself. It’s not so much an intraparty civil war as the worst human beings alive clawing at one another’s eyes over the keys to a used death cult.
Decisively defeated for the second time this year, Sarah Palin says people should completely stop donating to the GOP, and I suppose I’d feel stranger about thinking, “Sarah Palin is right! Everybody should listen to Sarah Palin!” if I hadn’t spent the last couple years sharing Bill Kristol tweets.
Rick Scott is so used to failing upwards, he actually asked for a promotion after blowing $200 million as head of NRSC with nothing to show for it except a slightly smaller spotlight on Joe Manchin. Didn’t get it, oddly.
Even within a movement defined by big lies and livestock dewormer consumption, Mike Pence stands out as uniquely delusional, and so he’s shuffling around on his sad little book tour, ahead of a doomed Don’t Lynch Me, Vote For Me! presidential run, and I think we’ll all be grateful for the comic relief during the infuckingterminable campaign to come.
Because, as you know, the Once and Future Crotchtumor officially reinflicted himself upon the nation’s politics, in a rambling, unendurable, Stephen Miller-scripted diatribe, titled American Carnage II: Yes I Just Cost You the Senate But I Really Don’t Want to Go to Prison Boogaloo.
The announcement event was, as you can imagine, the bottom-feedingest shindig on the white nationalist social calendar. Like, already-forgotten Hitler youth Madison Cawthorn showed up, but Matt Gaetz sent his regrets. Matt. Gaetz. Good lord, how much loserstink do you have to emit to repel that clout-hungry pervert? Only Donald Trump knows.
But the Republican establishment is gonna stand up to him this time. For real and for serious. Not like Charlottesville or Lafayette Square or either impeachment trial or the Capitol Riot or that time he made Lindsey Graham give MBS a lap dance at Camp David.
It’ll work, too. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Why, the QAnon Shaman was so impressed with Rupert Murdoch’s “Florida Man Makes Announcement” slight in the New York Post, he immediately endorsed Larry Hogan.
Of course, the whole “moderate” Republican plan is to lob the occasional plausibly deniable half-criticism, Mike Pompeo-style, while privately praying shiny new special counsel Jack Smith incarcerates their problems away. Real profiles-in-courage shit.
That special counsel appointment was the cherry on top of a rough legal week for MAGA, between the Weisselberg testimony and the Oath Keepers trial and the former McConnell/Paul aide convicted of funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign and the federal judge blocking DeSantistan’s fashy little “Stop Woke” law and the news about Off-Brand Orbán abusing the IRS to target enemies and laundering foreign bribes through his D.C hotel and I’m setting the newspaper down before this paragraph collapses under the weight of the links.
We also learned Herschel Walker would rather be a werewolf than a vampire, and so long as he’s not a Senator, I say let him do what he wants.
Some news: taking a page from Elon Musk’s playbook, I will be demanding a loyalty pledge from all readers going forward. I’m still futzing around with the language, but I’m willing to accept your tithe in beer, I’m not a monster. Additionally, taking the immediately following page, I will now spend all available time demonstrating my personality defects to the world, at great personal cost, for reasons which I assure you make perfect sense to my therapist.
Okay, folks, I am going to go toast Nancy Pelosi until I can’t see straight. And just a heads up, NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, on account of the Thanksgiving holiday; may you navigate any interactions with Q-curious family members with minimal screaming/bloodshed. See you in December!
*Shower Cap’s Blog is not responsible for any hubris-related service interruptions on any social media platforms, and may not be held liable.