Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
This Asshole Again
Dunno about you, but I’m still riding high on last week’s wave of catharsis. Making sandwiches from leftover schadenfreude. Knocking ascendant American fascism on its ass gives one a warm, healthy glow, don’t you agree?
I’m sure you enjoyed the steady trickle of election news this week. It was like the closing stages of a night at one of those Brazilian steakhouses where they keep dropping by your table to tempt you with succulent meats. Oh, I couldn’t possibly have one more b-wait, Adam Laxalt lost? I’ll make room. Maybe one last serving of Slate of Trump-Endorsed Weirdos Goes Down in Flames.
That Arizona vote count was exquisitely paced, my compliments to the local deep state. First Finchem, (and if you haven’t already, treat yourself to his Twitter meltdown*) then Thiel’s pet ghoul, and finally, Kari Lake, a crushing disappointment to those who like their autocracy best when it’s lit like mid-period Joan Crawford.
There doesn’t seem to be as much stomach to keep election denialism going this time around, (because of all the losing, probably) but I’m sure Lake is willing to spend as much of Mike Lindell’s money as it takes to keep her face in front of the endlessly bilkable MAGA mob. Her first move was to fly down to Mar-a-Lago to meet with the 45th President of the United States and a pro wrestling promoter, because that’s just how shit works in this, our healthiest of all possible democracies.
Anyway, given expectations, I barely minded when they finally announced that Kevin McCarthy would, in fact, gain just enough rope in the Congress to come to hang himself, heading a tiny, tottering majority, held together with scotch tape, anal leakage, and Marjorie Taylor Greene, (but I repeat myself) assuming he isn’t accidentally killed in some Freedumb Caucus hazing ritual first.
One can’t help but draw comparisons, with one of the most significant and effective House Speakers in history passing the torch this week. Nancy Pelosi’s accomplishments are too impressive to even discuss in my crass little blog, whereas K-Dawg sold American democracy out at every opportunity for the chance to spend two years stage-managing The Hunter Biden Show. And he’s the very best they’ve got.
Honesty, watching the turdpit knife fight taking place in what’s left of the Republican Party, now that we’ve skimmed the last microscopic traces of decency off the top…it’s been a bit nauseating, but I’m generally enjoying myself. It’s not so much an intraparty civil war as the worst human beings alive clawing at one another’s eyes over the keys to a used death cult.
Decisively defeated for the second time this year, Sarah Palin says people should completely stop donating to the GOP, and I suppose I’d feel stranger about thinking, “Sarah Palin is right! Everybody should listen to Sarah Palin!” if I hadn’t spent the last couple years sharing Bill Kristol tweets.
Rick Scott is so used to failing upwards, he actually asked for a promotion after blowing $200 million as head of NRSC with nothing to show for it except a slightly smaller spotlight on Joe Manchin. Didn’t get it, oddly.
Even within a movement defined by big lies and livestock dewormer consumption, Mike Pence stands out as uniquely delusional, and so he’s shuffling around on his sad little book tour, ahead of a doomed Don’t Lynch Me, Vote For Me! presidential run, and I think we’ll all be grateful for the comic relief during the infuckingterminable campaign to come.
Because, as you know, the Once and Future Crotchtumor officially reinflicted himself upon the nation’s politics, in a rambling, unendurable, Stephen Miller-scripted diatribe, titled American Carnage II: Yes I Just Cost You the Senate But I Really Don’t Want to Go to Prison Boogaloo.
The announcement event was, as you can imagine, the bottom-feedingest shindig on the white nationalist social calendar. Like, already-forgotten Hitler youth Madison Cawthorn showed up, but Matt Gaetz sent his regrets. Matt. Gaetz. Good lord, how much loserstink do you have to emit to repel that clout-hungry pervert? Only Donald Trump knows.
But the Republican establishment is gonna stand up to him this time. For real and for serious. Not like Charlottesville or Lafayette Square or either impeachment trial or the Capitol Riot or that time he made Lindsey Graham give MBS a lap dance at Camp David.
It’ll work, too. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Why, the QAnon Shaman was so impressed with Rupert Murdoch’s “Florida Man Makes Announcement” slight in the New York Post, he immediately endorsed Larry Hogan.
Of course, the whole “moderate” Republican plan is to lob the occasional plausibly deniable half-criticism, Mike Pompeo-style, while privately praying shiny new special counsel Jack Smith incarcerates their problems away. Real profiles-in-courage shit.
That special counsel appointment was the cherry on top of a rough legal week for MAGA, between the Weisselberg testimony and the Oath Keepers trial and the former McConnell/Paul aide convicted of funneling Russian money to the Trump campaign and the federal judge blocking DeSantistan’s fashy little “Stop Woke” law and the news about Off-Brand Orbán abusing the IRS to target enemies and laundering foreign bribes through his D.C hotel and I’m setting the newspaper down before this paragraph collapses under the weight of the links.
We also learned Herschel Walker would rather be a werewolf than a vampire, and so long as he’s not a Senator, I say let him do what he wants.
Some news: taking a page from Elon Musk’s playbook, I will be demanding a loyalty pledge from all readers going forward. I’m still futzing around with the language, but I’m willing to accept your tithe in beer, I’m not a monster. Additionally, taking the immediately following page, I will now spend all available time demonstrating my personality defects to the world, at great personal cost, for reasons which I assure you make perfect sense to my therapist.
Okay, folks, I am going to go toast Nancy Pelosi until I can’t see straight. And just a heads up, NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, on account of the Thanksgiving holiday; may you navigate any interactions with Q-curious family members with minimal screaming/bloodshed. See you in December!
*Shower Cap’s Blog is not responsible for any hubris-related service interruptions on any social media platforms, and may not be held liable.
Cap, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for keeping me informed, laughing, and preventing me from walking face-first into a spinning turbine just to end the madness we’re dealing with in this country. Don’t think I could have made it this far without you. Not trying to put any pressure on, but…don’t desert me now! The next two years are going to be so full of maga-wankery that we might have to actually create new words to describe it!
Thanks again, and I wish you and yours a blessed Thanksgiving.
Cap, love you. Can’t help it. Stay safe, baby.
Every Friday I look forward to your latest recap. So irreverent, so on point1 Tomorrow is my 90th birthday and I must say In all my years as a “liberal” I have never enjoyed any political commentary as much as yours. Thank you for your servivvice.
Really enjoyed that portmanteau word “servivice”. Clever that. From my 82 years as a progressive liberal, I salute you.
Almost forgot, clever use of the hyphen there, we do not know if MID – PERIOD refers to the middle of Mommy Dearest’s career or if you mean one of her menstrual cycles. Either way it is a scream.
You should stick around a while longer, I have a feeling that Pelosi is not finished with screwing McCarthy over quite as people think. She knows where the bodies are buried, and while McCarthy may technically become speaker it will be over the towering objections of more than a few in the caucus. These will be people Pelosi will use to fuck Kevin’s day up each day he is there. She knows what she is doing. Her decision to remain in the House was no doubt at least in part motivated by one of the most stark opportunities for mischief in her 80 something years. This is going to be fun. She will do her best to get legislation done that we must have but McCarthy is going to learn what it means to herd cats while a pit bull is barking at them.
Way to go Cap another beauty. Rest up and let’s all toast Nancy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks
Have a great Thanksgiving, Cap. We will all be eagerly awaiting your return. The past couple of weeks have been pretty delicious, and your words put the sweet, sweet frosting on top.
You delivered tonight, Cap, Old Boy. Enjoy your well-deserved beer and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Love ya, man!
Whenever I measure my heart rate, I do so before and after reading your blog. It’s way lower after. Of course, it’s also lower than after I read the local grocery store sales circular and see that things I need to purchase are on sale- but that happens far less often than I read your posts. Thanks you for your astute and entertaining words. You give me hope that America won’t end in flames… just in floods.
Delicious and brilliant as always, Cap. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we are thankful for you and what you’ve done the past few years to keep us laughing so that we may not cry (as the French phrase goes).
Thanks for another great post.
You keep me sane.
You are appreciated Cap. Next week will be a long one with no Shower Cap to decompress with. You will be eagerly welcomed back the next week.
As always, astute and soul soothing. (The chuckles don’t hurt either.) Enjoy your upcoming holiday and see you on the other side.
You had me at Once and Future Crotchtumor, Cap. I dunno where you come up with as many appellations for tfg, but I am in awe of your creativity in doing so. I am happy to pay my tithe and double next week, wishing you and your a happy and blessed Thanksgiving.
We are now in for 2 years of the GOP trying to proving Hunters laptop stormed the capital and tried to over turn the election.
I think we are in for 2 years of Pelosi playing the “Who me?” game when she acts as an arsonist to McCarty’s career. McCarthy is so fucked. He is going to have such a slim majority, and so unpopular in that caucus that I doubt he will last long. But it will be delicious watching NP and her merry band of bomb throwing partisans put sand in all the republican gears.
I did a screen cap of the “you thought you flushed” graphic and will re-post somewhere with credits. Truly fitting. Keep on keeping on and keeping us sane (relatively)!
Well done as usual Cap! Happy Thanksgiving
I’d rather be a werewolf than a vampire, yes, I would, if I only could, I surely would. I’d rather all my mistresses have abortions, and then shut up, just go away, drop the kid, I’ll pay. Away, you wish I’d go away, but like Covid, I’m here to stay. The rot that echoes round my brain, a putrid stain, it falls like rain, it falls like rain.
Oh, and Cap, how did you miss Kyle Rittenhouse’s recent field trip to the Capitol?
As ever, thanks, Cap. Have a great Thanksgiving week.
Generally, my goosebumps and hackles rise at the words “loyalty pledge”…..but to you, Cap, I sincerely pledge my heartfelt, totally-hardcore, never-ending loyalty. (And hopefully, a few bucks, after the first of the month). Long may you reign. And to Nancy D’Alesandro Pelosi, First and Last of Her Name, Mother of Goddamn Dragons and Breaker of Chains — ALL HAIL!!!! As always, thank you sincerely for doing the good work and fighting the good fight. You make us proud. You keep us going.
Boy I am sorry these comments are anonymous, since we loyal Cap’n fans are smart, hilarious, and doubtless all quite attractive. I now read the comments as an extension of the hilarity, so keep posting, y’all, and happy Turkey Day to those who celebrate.
Where I do sign the loyalty pledge? Beer has already been sent
Snicker! I’ll gladly toast to Nancy!
Thank you, Capster, for digesting all that news and spitting it out again, April fresh. Here’s hoping you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy your week off from the pressure of producing epic infotainment. We’ll all be here waiting for your December 2nd offering. Looking forward to it already.
Have a wonderful holiday and a toast to Madame Speaker, there has never been nor will there ever be another like her! Take care of yourself and enjoy one on me!
Thanks for keeping us all informed in such an entertaining and gratifying way.
I’ll be toasting Nancy too!
See you in December
Cap your talents are wasted, TV and movies NEEDS YOU!
“…a crushing disappointment to those who like their autocracy best when it’s lit like mid-period Joan Crawford.”
I pissed myself a little howling at this one dude!
Almost forgot, clever use of the hyphen there, we do not know if MID – PERIOD refers to the middle of Mommy Dearest’s career or if you mean one of her menstrual cycles. Either way it is a scream.
With all the other asshats being reinstated on Twitter Cap, any chance you’ll be back there? I miss the daily bon mots.