Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Kickstarting Trent Franks’ Baby, Steve King Goes Full Klansman, & Other News
We’re about due for a news slowdown aren’t we? We certainly fucking deserve it.
What’s that? Obama’s giving “Wake the fuck up before we wind up like Nazi Germany” speeches?
Well…maybe shit’ll slow down next week. Let’s round up the madness so we can start drinking early, shall we?
When Malfunctioning Robert Mitchum Clone Trent Franks’ getting-out-in-front-of-the-story version of events was “I asked some nice ladies in my office to serve as surrogates so I could expand my beautiful family and I guess they took offense,” you just KNEW the actual truth was gonna be some Todd Solondz shit, and ewwwwwwwww…Trent did not disappoint.
I know the rules seem to be changing pretty rapidly these days, dudes, but chasing your staff around, shouting FUCK ME FOR MONEY AND MAKE ME A BABY would’ve been out of bounds even for Roger Sterling.
Did you know that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is an amateur magician? With John Conyers resigning in pervy shame from his safely Democratic Detroit district, Snyder waved a wand and made the Michigan 13th’s representation in Washington disappear for almost a whole year! Tip your wait staff!
The screechiest loons in right wing media continue their mission to paint the Mueller investigation as unforgivably biased against the President, what with their rigid “pro-truth” and “anti-crime” positions. “Judge” Jeanine Pirro stands out even in the sea of raging authoritarians, acting like she’s on a new season of The Apprentice where the winner gets their own concentration camp.
Hey, we found some voter fraud, KKKris KKKobach will be so pleased! What’s that? It was the former chairman of the Colorado GOP? He tried to steal his ex-wife’s vote? He was easily caught and convicted? Well THAT doesn’t fit the narrative! NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG!
Celebrity Stool Pigeon George Papaderpaderp has himself a fiancé, and she wants you to know her pockmarked Romeo is no coffee boy! Nope, he knew everybody who was anybody on the Shart campaign, and good golly did he ever pass a shit-ton of information on to investigators!
Speaking of, Hope Hicks enjoyed a relaxing two-day excursion to Bob Mueller’s Spa and Collusion Investigation. If anybody knows enough to bring the Sunny D-Bag down, it’s Hicks, so it’s nice to fantasize that she had so many beans to spill it took multiple sittings. And if not, well…then she’s probably lied to the FBI under oath, and that’s fun, too.
In the aftermath of the Diminutive-Dicked Dotard’s puddingheaded Jerusalem decision, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told Mike Pence where he could stick his proposed meeting, which sexually aroused Pence so much he had to excuse himself to fuck the small cactus he keeps on his desk for just such emergencies. Anyway, another diplomatic blemish for Team Bull in a China Shop, yay!
Puerto Rico remains in crisis, abandoned and forgotten by President focused on shrieking at reporters and cutting his own taxes. Oh, and the government is drastically underestimating the death toll, so Dorito Mussolini doesn’t look bad. Shit, you’d think more dead brown people would play WELL with his base. I bet Bannon’s off the wall at that missed opportunity.
Obviously Subpar Loudmouth Steve King spread some white nationalist garbage about diversity being bad, because he doesn’t want to dilute his Mediocre White Guys Whining About Everything “culture.” King’s gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the House floor before too long.
We’ve learned the disastrous Niger raid that claimed the lives of four American soldiers in Niger was preventable, and the result of reckless, unnecessary fuck-ups. I’m sure Gowdy Doody and his Republican chums will dutifully apply the same investigative rigor to this tragedy as they did to the Benghazi incident. Precedent teaches us that these mistakes will render a whole lot of officials, all the way up to Cabinet secretaries, unfit for public office, right? RIGHT, TREY?
The Candycorn Skidmark went a few days without tweeting the country to the brink of nuclear war, so General Kelly let him out of his crate for ice cream and a Klan rally.
He said some shitty things to a roomful of shitty people, and asked them to vote for a child molester, and got to pretend that filling up a small arena with spittle-drenched, jacked-up-on-resentment-and-meth morons means the whole country loves him and wants to give him a handjob, before retreating to the safety of the bubble he cowers in, so afraid of criticism that he won’t attend the Correspondent’s Dinner or meet Nobel Prize winners.
The Failing New York Times pulled back the curtain to reveal just precisely how America’s most horrifyingly powerful toddler spends his time. He watches television all day while gorging on junk food, as everyone around him tries to pacify his entitled rich-boy tantrums.
He is, in short, all four of the shitty kids in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory rolled into one giant man-baby.
Other big takeaways are that SCROTUS mainlines Diet Coke all day long, and somebody over at the Grey Lady is REALLY proud of the “Twitter is his Excalibur” line.
Hey, look! Mick Mulvaney took a bunch of money from predatory payday lenders and pressured the CFPB to take it easy on those poor, much-maligned predatory payday lenders, and now he’s running the whole CFPB! Don’t forget, Mick says, “Consumer” is just a fancy word for “peasant!”
Rick Perry and His Smart Guy Glasses want to throw some taxpayer money at coal plants for absolutely no good reason, driving up electricity prices in the process. Yup yup. The free market (which I feel I’ve heard the odd Republican praise here and there) is killing the coal industry, replacing it with cheaper, cleaner alternatives, so we need to just give Coal some of your money. SMALL GOVERNMENT!
Award-winning diplomat Elizabeth Shackelford (I didn’t know diplomats had awards. What are they called? The Foggy’s?) resigned from Rex Tillerson’s (community theatre version of a) State Department, leaving behind a HOLY BALLS STOP FUCKING UP THE WORLD, YOU MORONS letter.
And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel stopped using the “Romney” part of her name at the President’s request, because he is a very secure man who in no way spends every waking moment in terror that people see him for the worthless inadequate fraud he is.
With the special Senate election just around the corner, Frank Luntz gathered what you’d like to believe are abnormally shitty Alabama Republicans, but who are actually probably depressingly typical. AND JESUS WEPT.
Anyway, if you’ve been thinking of getting serious about misanthropy, this video is a great place to start. Holy fuck, these people are awful. I can’t decide who’s worse, the “Moore’s accusers are filthy evil lying sluts who were probably paid” contingent, or the “Heck, parents were probably lining up to have their children molested by Ol’ Roy!” fellah?
Alabama’s other Senator, Richard Shelby, popped up on the Sunday Shoz, taking e the surprisingly controversial “No, I Won’t For a Pedophile” position.
Shelby, apparently having forgotten who his party chose from a field of 427 just a year ago, insists that Republicans “can do better,” before dissolving into tears, blubbering, “We coulda had Pataki! PATAKIIIIIIIIII!!!!”
Well, we all know nothing makes The Bloat madder than impugning the size of his crowds, (certainly not Puerto Ricans dying for lack of access to clean water or electricity) so when WaPo’s Dave Weigel tweeted a photo that failed to show his gathering of frothy RageYokels at full capacity, he lost his shit.
Having been told in no uncertain terms by his staff that he could not have Weigel polonium-210’d, he demanded an apology, which he got. “Not good enough,” bellowed Wannabe Pol Pot, “He must be fired! And I’d really like to waterboard him, just a little, you never let me have any fun, General!”
Hey, if we’re gonna establish “misrepresenting crowd size” as a firing offense, I’m generally for it, but maybe the President of These United States shouldn’t be attacking individual journalists? I seem to remember some sort of oath about upholding the Constitution? I know, I know…I’m a cuck.
Anyway, if you’re gonna hate Weigel, hate him for glorifying Prog Rock*. Careful Donnie…Dave might show up one sunny morning on the White House lawn…driving Tarkus.
So yeah, shit remains utterly cray. We’ll get that slow news week sometime…right? Let me leave you with some good gnus: Susan Collins is back to undecided on the tax bill. C’mon Resisters! Get on the phone and sink this monstrosity to the bottom of the motherfuckin’ ocean! We did it before, we can do it again!
*I actually love Prog. I just wanted to link to Tarkus. What’s the good of having a blog if you can’t bring up Tarkus when the opportunity arises?