Kickstarting Trent Franks’ Baby, Steve King Goes Full Klansman, & Other News

We’re about due for a news slowdown aren’t we? We certainly fucking deserve it.

What’s that? Obama’s giving “Wake the fuck up before we wind up like Nazi Germany” speeches?

Well…maybe shit’ll slow down next week. Let’s round up the madness so we can start drinking early, shall we?

When Malfunctioning Robert Mitchum Clone Trent Franks’ getting-out-in-front-of-the-story version of events was “I asked some nice ladies in my office to serve as surrogates so I could expand my beautiful family and I guess they took offense,” you just KNEW the actual truth was gonna be some Todd Solondz shit, and ewwwwwwwww…Trent did not disappoint.

I know the rules seem to be changing pretty rapidly these days, dudes, but chasing your staff around, shouting FUCK ME FOR MONEY AND MAKE ME A BABY would’ve been out of bounds even for Roger Sterling.

Did you know that Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is an amateur magician? With John Conyers resigning in pervy shame from his safely Democratic Detroit district, Snyder waved a wand and made the Michigan 13th’s representation in Washington disappear for almost a whole year! Tip your wait staff!

The screechiest loons in right wing media continue their mission to paint the Mueller investigation as unforgivably biased against the President, what with their rigid “pro-truth” and “anti-crime” positions.  “Judge” Jeanine Pirro stands out even in the sea of raging authoritarians, acting like she’s on a new season of The Apprentice where the winner gets their own concentration camp.

Hey, we found some voter fraud, KKKris KKKobach will be so pleased! What’s that? It was the former chairman of the Colorado GOP? He tried to steal his ex-wife’s vote? He was easily caught and convicted? Well THAT doesn’t fit the narrative! NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG!

Celebrity Stool Pigeon George Papaderpaderp has himself a fiancé, and she wants you to know her pockmarked Romeo is no coffee boy! Nope, he knew everybody who was anybody on the Shart campaign, and good golly did he ever pass a shit-ton of information on to investigators!

Speaking of, Hope Hicks enjoyed a relaxing two-day excursion to Bob Mueller’s Spa and Collusion Investigation. If anybody knows enough to bring the Sunny D-Bag down, it’s Hicks, so it’s nice to fantasize that she had so many beans to spill it took multiple sittings. And if not, well…then she’s probably lied to the FBI under oath, and that’s fun, too.

In the aftermath of the Diminutive-Dicked Dotard’s puddingheaded Jerusalem decision, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told Mike Pence where he could stick his proposed meeting, which sexually aroused Pence so much he had to excuse himself to fuck the small cactus he keeps on his desk for just such emergencies. Anyway, another diplomatic blemish for Team Bull in a China Shop, yay!

Puerto Rico remains in crisis, abandoned and forgotten by President focused on shrieking at reporters and cutting his own taxes. Oh, and the government is drastically underestimating the death toll, so Dorito Mussolini doesn’t look bad. Shit, you’d think more dead brown people would play WELL with his base. I bet Bannon’s off the wall at that missed opportunity.

Obviously Subpar Loudmouth Steve King spread some white nationalist garbage about diversity being bad, because he doesn’t want to dilute his Mediocre White Guys Whining About Everything “culture.” King’s gonna start wearing jodhpurs on the House floor before too long.

We’ve learned the disastrous Niger raid that claimed the lives of four American soldiers in Niger was preventable, and the result of reckless, unnecessary fuck-ups. I’m sure Gowdy Doody and his Republican chums will dutifully apply the same investigative rigor to this tragedy as they did to the Benghazi incident. Precedent teaches us that these mistakes will render a whole lot of officials, all the way up to Cabinet secretaries, unfit for public office, right? RIGHT, TREY?

The Candycorn Skidmark went a few days without tweeting the country to the brink of nuclear war, so General Kelly let him out of his crate for ice cream and a Klan rally.

He said some shitty things to a roomful of shitty people, and asked them to vote for a child molester, and got to pretend that filling up a small arena with spittle-drenched, jacked-up-on-resentment-and-meth morons means the whole country loves him and wants to give him a handjob, before retreating to the safety of the bubble he cowers in, so afraid of criticism that he won’t attend the Correspondent’s Dinner or meet Nobel Prize winners.

The Failing New York Times pulled back the curtain to reveal just precisely how America’s most horrifyingly powerful toddler spends his time. He watches television all day while gorging on junk food, as everyone around him tries to pacify his entitled rich-boy tantrums.

He is, in short, all four of the shitty kids in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory rolled into one giant man-baby.

Other big takeaways are that SCROTUS mainlines Diet Coke all day long, and somebody over at the Grey Lady is REALLY proud of the “Twitter is his Excalibur” line.

Hey, look! Mick Mulvaney took a bunch of money from predatory payday lenders and pressured the CFPB to take it easy on those poor, much-maligned predatory payday lenders, and now he’s running the whole CFPB! Don’t forget, Mick says, “Consumer” is just a fancy word for “peasant!”

Rick Perry and His Smart Guy Glasses want to throw some taxpayer money at coal plants for absolutely no good reason, driving up electricity prices in the process. Yup yup. The free market (which I feel I’ve heard the odd Republican praise here and there) is killing the coal industry, replacing it with cheaper, cleaner alternatives, so we need to just give Coal some of your money. SMALL GOVERNMENT!

Award-winning diplomat Elizabeth Shackelford (I didn’t know diplomats had awards. What are they called? The Foggy’s?) resigned from Rex Tillerson’s (community theatre version of a) State Department, leaving behind a HOLY BALLS STOP FUCKING UP THE WORLD, YOU MORONS letter.

And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel stopped using the “Romney” part of her name at the President’s request, because he is a very secure man who in no way spends every waking moment in terror that people see him for the worthless inadequate fraud he is.

With the special Senate election just around the corner, Frank Luntz gathered what you’d like to believe are abnormally shitty Alabama Republicans, but who are actually probably depressingly typical. AND JESUS WEPT.

Anyway, if you’ve been thinking of getting serious about misanthropy, this video is a great place to start. Holy fuck, these people are awful. I can’t decide who’s worse, the “Moore’s accusers are filthy evil lying sluts who were probably paid” contingent, or the “Heck, parents were probably lining up to have their children molested by Ol’ Roy!” fellah?

Alabama’s other Senator, Richard Shelby, popped up on the Sunday Shoz, taking e the surprisingly controversial “No, I Won’t For a Pedophile” position.

Shelby, apparently having forgotten who his party chose from a field of 427 just a year ago, insists that Republicans “can do better,” before dissolving into tears, blubbering, “We coulda had Pataki! PATAKIIIIIIIIII!!!!”

Well, we all know nothing makes The Bloat madder than impugning the size of his crowds, (certainly not Puerto Ricans dying for lack of access to clean water or electricity) so when WaPo’s Dave Weigel tweeted a photo that failed to show his gathering of frothy RageYokels at full capacity, he lost his shit.

Having been told in no uncertain terms by his staff that he could not have Weigel polonium-210’d, he demanded an apology, which he got. “Not good enough,” bellowed Wannabe Pol Pot, “He must be fired! And I’d really like to waterboard him, just a little, you never let me have any fun, General!”

Hey, if we’re gonna establish “misrepresenting crowd size” as a firing offense, I’m generally for it, but maybe the President of These United States shouldn’t be attacking individual journalists? I seem to remember some sort of oath about upholding the Constitution? I know, I know…I’m a cuck.

Anyway, if you’re gonna hate Weigel, hate him for glorifying Prog Rock*. Careful Donnie…Dave might show up one sunny morning on the White House lawn…driving Tarkus.

So yeah, shit remains utterly cray. We’ll get that slow news week sometime…right? Let me leave you with some good gnus: Susan Collins is back to undecided on the tax bill. C’mon Resisters! Get on the phone and sink this monstrosity to the bottom of the motherfuckin’ ocean! We did it before, we can do it again!

*I actually love Prog. I just wanted to link to Tarkus. What’s the good of having a blog if you can’t bring up Tarkus when the opportunity arises?