Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Wouldn’t it be Great if We Didn’t Have to Read About Roy Moore After Today?
Sigh. Just another Manic Monday, amiright? I wish it was Sunday. A random Sunday in like, 2009. Long as I’m wishing, I’m at a Tom Petty concert. With Gloria Grahame.
Lindsey Graham seems to enjoy being the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s golfing buddy. Shit, Lindsey’s in paradise right now. In the old days, he had to convince a resistant public and a skeptical administration whenever he wanted to start a war, now all he has to do is kiss one vain jaghole’s ass, pimp his golf club a bit on Twitter, and BAM – another generation of working class kids gets shipped to some godforsaken corner of the planet to die.
Don’t worry, though! By the time you come back from North Korea with brain trauma or PTSD, Senator Graham will have redistributed 40% of the VA’s budget to his donors! But it’s sure to trickle down!
Word on the street is Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn may have been ordered, by President Shartcannon himself, to dress up like Prince and karaoke “I Would Lie 4 U” when the FBI came a-knockin’ at his door, and that if so, Rugged Robert Mueller might just leave an obstruction of justice charge in a certain Melting Creamsicle’s Xmas stocking.
Some dumb shit blew a hole in his own torso in a New York subway this morning, because terrorists don’t recruit successful, intelligent men.. Anyway, Smallhands Magoo demonstrated his let’s-unify-this-country-when-it’s-attacked instincts by using his 2nd grade vocabulary to insult Don Lemon’s intelligence.
Praise all the gods in all the heavens, the fucking Alabama Senate special election is almost over!
Roy Moore’s last-minute push seems to hang largely on a Super PAC releasing a “Watch This 12-Year Old Girl Interview Roy While He Doesn’t Molest Her Even Once!” video. Since the “Judge” is credibly accused of sexually assaulting a girl only two years older, let’s go ahead and label this a somewhat less than deft political maneuver.
Oh, and a record surfaced of the Twice-Defenestrated-From-the-Bench Pervert, appearing on a 9/11 truther’s radio show, talking about how much better the Constitution was before they starting tacking on all those silly extra amendments, the crap like “You’re not allowed to own other human beings,” or “You get rights even if you’re not a white dude.”
That’s the thing about Moore. He’s a child molester, but he’s evil FOR A CHILD MOLESTER. In a room full of child molesters, he’d be the worst person there.
Anyway, the election is tomorrow. A Fox poll shows Jones up 10. But Emerson College has the Pedophile by 9. An NBC/Marist survey insists the seat will be won by a surprise write-in campaign for an ancient Mayan deity that will rise from the ocean ten minutes before polls open, gathering mesmerized acolytes as it marches on Mobile.
Point is, nobody seems to know what the fuck is gonna happen. Maybe it’ll all come down to whether or not there are any actual Christians in the Alabama Evangelical voting bloc.
Nebraska RNC committeewoman Joyce Simmons resigned because of FundingAGoddamnChildMolesterGate. And for a moment, you think, “Damn, how heroic,” and it is. But then you think, “How come out of the whole dang Republican Party, I’m only hearing about ONE member quitting over Judge Banned-from-the-mall?
So, three prime specimens of white supremacist manhood allegedly planned to bomb a mosque in western Kansas, and now they’re bitching that their rights are being violated cuz they can’t pack the jury with Trump voters.
Yeah, that’s a real thing that’s happening in America. Shitty White Terrorists looking to handpick supporters of our President to sit in judgment, in the belief that they’ll go, “Blowing up a Mosque? Call me when somebody does something WRONG!”
Asked to defend his party’s horsehit tax reform bill, Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag released a one-page “analysis” claiming fantastical levels of growth achieved primarily by elves making shoes while we are asleep.
Sources say the reverse side of the single sheet of paper contained Louise Linton’s shopping list, including disturbingly large quantities of mushroom soup, adult diapers, and turkey necks, raising questions about America’s Crappiest Aristocratic Couple’s sex life.
Didja see where Emmanuel Macron passed out massive grants to top climate scientists, many of them American, to relocate to France? Truly, now that our leading minds are being poached by foreign nations, we can at last say we are Great Again.
The military announced it would obey a court order to admit transgender troops starting January 1st, yet another reminder that Il Douche is an ineffective clod who loses all the time, because he’s like the Washington Generals of Presidents.
Four of the women who have accused Confessed Serial Sexual Assaulter Donald J. Trump (The “J” stands for “Billy Bush Stooged Me Out, the Fink”) re-stated their cases in the media today, thus reminding us that our President, in addition to being an unhinged, narcissistic, buffoon, is also a disgusting gropey perv who bragged about how owning a beauty pageant allowed him to ogle naked teenagers.
Nikki Haley went so far as to say the women accusing her What-if-Jabba-the-Hutt-were-made-of-Circus-Peanuts Boss “should be heard,” which allegedly sent said W-i-J-t-H-w-m-o-C-P Boss into the sort of rage usually reserved for journalists who remind him Barack Obama drew larger crowds.
Oh Nikki, don’t you know that helping the President avoid accountability is the sole function of the executive branch of the United States government these days?
Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted any pussies grabbed before November 8, 2016 don’t count, because the Republican electorate’s lack of morality somehow exonerates Drumpf, which is certainly a novel bit of ethical and legal theorizing.
Surly Spice then sneered at the assembled press for a while over their uppity question-asking and occasional-mistake-making, before retreating to her office to play with her desktop ant farm, roasting with a magnifying glass several ants she’s named after White House correspondents.
Tangerine Idi Amin, who did not understand he had to hire his own White House staff, who couldn’t find the fucking LIGHT SWITCHES for several days, decided he’s gonna put a man on the moon, maybe ever Mars. Baby steps, Old Man. Maybe learn how to tie a tie at an appropriate length before tackling space travel.
A judge ordered Indicted Turdweasel Paul Manafort to obey his gag order, and stop sneaking around, writing op-eds about how innocent and handsome Paul Manafort is. He was further ordered to eat his peas and clean his room.
Pity the poor journalists at the Failing New York Times who had to spend so much time documenting the various revolting escapades of grotesque CongressDegenerate Blake Farenthold. Jesus, I can’t even picture that dude without retching.
Anyway, if you need a little pick-me-up to get through the long, lonely hours before the polls close in Alabama, how ’bout rolling around in this data about Americans running away from the Republican Party like a dookie in a public pool?
Ok, Resisters, that’s enough for tonight. Nothing left to do but wait and see if voters will send a pedophile to Washington to make laws for the rest of us.
…2017, you’re exhausting.