I almost didn’t blog tonight, as the readership no doubt spent the evening smashing windows in their own individual hometowns’ “Little Canada” neighborhood. Then I figured it’d be nice to have something to read in the enlistment line. You’ll probably be there all day, because after the week’s triumphs, what red-blooded American can withstand the urge to spill the filthy Canuck’s maple-sweet blood?

I’m afraid there may not be much of the foe left to rout, alas. Why, the mere opening salvo of the branding blitzkrieg left them helplessly trembling as their precious “Lake Ontario” was reduced to a smoking crater, upon which gleaming LAKE MURICA sprang up overnight. We used only the best contractors for that, by the way. Any algae is Antifa’s fault.

You can find me on the front freakin’ lines, next to all the MAGA tough guys like Sean Duffy and Jesse Watters. There are no straws in American foxholes, by gum. We ask those of you on the home front to restrict your care packages to manly goods such as beard oils and popsicles with glass in them.   

Actually, we’ve arrived at the stage of American greatness where feeding our armed forces with products recalled over safety concerns would not only provide plentiful options, but constitute a concrete step in a positive direction, as the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln will tell you.

After a record 250+ days at sea, those poor bastards are finally set for some long overdue R&R in…wait, in Thailand? Gracious me. I predict this shore leave will result in 8-12 great American novels. Sexual misadventures of every genre.

Have a good time, kids, but maybe stay away from the guac. Probably the goldenest thing about this golden age is checking the news before you go grocery shopping to see which everyday foodstuffs have turned lethal.

Yeah, here in the indispensable nation we’re pretty much…well, I guess you’d have to call it rotting, right?

We have decided to die from measles again, for example. Well, if horse dewormer doesn’t cure it, the good lord didn’t intend us to survive it, I suppose.

Okay, so we’ve un-eradicated a few diseases, and half the grocery store is trying to kill us; nothing Senator Darline Graham can’t handle, surely, with her nigh-Klobucharian grasp of the issues. Darline’s Work Sick, Die Young health care plan lands right on the intersection of her party’s “fiscal conservative” and “death cult” wings.

We’re told Pete Hegseth is building a Pentagon troll army to flood the information superhighway with dank memes celebrating all the missions he’s accomplished. These efforts have earned Secretary Funsoxx the lowest approval ratings in a despised kakistocracy, which tracks with what we already knew about his mad leadership skillz. At least they haven’t blown up any schools yet*.

Amazingly, Pete seems to have convinced himself that voters will leap at the opportunity to promote him even higher up the chain of command. “They’ll forget all about the war I lost and the inflation it caused, to say nothing of my buffoonish intelligence blunders and petulant racism, once they understand just how many push-ups I can do.”

…yeah, that’s a Pete Hegseth plan alright.

The Department of Education posted a video comparing Trump to Hitler (favorably, of course), because Linda McMahon is still using the calendar from the first edition of Project 2025, back before they had to make a bunch of adjustments when everyone turned out to be so fucking dumb. She’s gonna show up at the next state dinner in the uniform they were supposed to have rolled out by now, with the boots and the armband; just you wait.

The regime proposes handing a chunk of Yosemite National Park to private real estate developers to build a private road on, because while our natural heritage technically belongs to everybody, surely it belongs to the rich a little more. That’s just basic populism.

Country superstar Jelly Roll was revealed as the mastermind behind the Butler shooting, 9/11, and a fat joke about a svelte, 6’3”, 239 lb Adonis. He is to be deported to CECOT, where he will share a cell with Milo Yiannopoulos, who has been detained by an ICE agent who ran out of children to terrorize.

Look, JFK was great, but you’ll agree the demolition of his memorial is necessary, as no patriot could argue it’s reasonable to ask Dear Leader to endure the repeating narcissistic injury of its continued existence. Also, they’re gonna install this big-ass TV at the Lincoln Memorial to make it look like Honest Abe decided to spend eternity rocking out to Trump rallies and Apprentice reruns, and if you libtards don’t like it, we’ll just blow it up, assuming there’s any ammunition left.

MAGA congressman and Senate hopeful Mike Collins pledged to shepherd legislation mandating that greeting card companies offer Oops, I Hired Another White Nationalist cards for sale at all retail outlets, because that is a normal thing that happens to normal people all the time.

Obviously, no roundup of the week’s news could call itself complete without a brief discussion of Ted Cruz’s tiny dick. While the tininess of even such a uniquely dislikable senator’s dick may strike you as less than newsworthy, it was Senator Cruz himself who lent his hard-won platform to this issue, and I think it’s important that we honor his wishes by letting the whole world know about Ted Cruz’s tiny dick.

Anyway, I just stumbled across a story about the FBI lowering their hiring standards around bestiality, so I think it’s time to log off for the weekend.

If you’d like to buy me one last beer before I set forth for the primordial wilderness of Canadia to cover myself in glory, know that I accept Cash App, Venmo, and even PayPal. You may join my email list or follow @john_luzar if you are so inclined. But stay safe out there either way, chum…

*…that we know about…