Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Maybe the Real Red Wave Was the Litter Boxes Our Furry Kids Pissed In Along the Way
So, how fucking ready were you for this mood shift? I myself feel refreshed and renewed to a degree seldom seen outside shampoo commercials. And friends, I needed that. I needed it so hard.
We last convened amidst the cacophonous obscenity of the Republican Party’s closing argument before the midterms, a hideous mishmash of transphobic hate, threats to poll workers, bolder-by-the-day anti-Semitism, and cackling celebration of an act of terrorist violence targeting a political foe, and the truth is, I’d never been more frightened in my life.
No, not even on January 6th, this felt more…premeditated? This wasn’t We Must Accept This Butthole-Mouthed Thug’s Ugliness to Get Our Tax Cuts, this was Fuck Civilization Let’s DO This Thing Somebody Give the Order C’mon C’mon C’MON ALREADY.
What I’m saying is, I found the “romping Nazis salivating over the power to come” portion of the program unenjoyable. Stressful, even. Watching the little bastards stumble furiously about, running face-first into walls and flinging accusations at each other has been goddamn delightful, however.
Because the “red wave” turned out to be more of a hey-you-should-have-a-doctor-look-at-that bloody piss trickle on America’s shoes; a significant problem, certainly, and a revolting one, but maybe, just maybe…manageable.
The fight is nowhere close to over, and lord knows this wad of weirdos won more power than any truly healthy democracy would allow, but the coalition of the decent showed up, folks. America smacked the bully right in the mouth, mid-hammer joke, and it sure is satisfying, watching him scamper away crying.
When you work so closely with Donald J. Trump, (the “J” stands for “managed to fail at the casino business”) you come to expect a certain amount of mortifying failure, but you’d have to be the Greek god of stepping on your own dick to blow a midterm election in the middle of inflation like this. Fortunately for the future of freedom, we’re talking about a lifelong loser so starved for Ws, he’s spent years bragging about passing a cognitive test.
Yeah, the GOP let it all ride on the idiot game show host, and now they’re busted and trying to talk the pawn shop down the street into taking Stephen Miller for 50 bucks and a case of Heineken. Good. Thank all the gods in all the heavens that your despicable endeavors failed so spectacularly.
We turned back something scary, folks. Or at least gave it a good, sturdy kick in the nards. Something for Republicans to think about before they pursue these mad tactics again.
Because though a distressing number of election deniers won Tuesday, the biggest, darkest play, to seize swing state election infrastructure in the name of the voices in Mike Lindell’s head, flopped. Ring the damn bells. The fewer cultists in the vote-counting room the better, as my grandpappy used to say.
On a purely personal level, I’m thrilled to finally evict so many of MAGA’s skeeviest freaks from my cranium. My god, I won’t have to write about Doug Mastriano ever again, at least not until five years from now when he gets kicked out of a Denny’s for shouting slurs at the waitstaff.
I don’t have to think about Don Bolduc anymore, though I bet I coulda gotten some mileage out of calling him Senator Kitty Litter, had it come to that. I get to forget about Tudor Dixon and J.R. Majewski’s lawn and the television quack and the skull-faced Thiel puppet and I could keep going but I don’t have to anymore so I won’t. I bet the inside of my head even smells nicer now.
Parenthetically, I’d like to congratulate Tulsi Gabbard on her exquisite timing. Enjoy your new team, kid.
Anyway, since we’re in another of those moments of temporary lucidity when Republicans notice what a massive fucking loser Donald Trump is, they’re flailing about wildly for any less suicidal alternative, so I guess we can go ahead and call it: the two-year Criscolump slap fight between the Dotard and Ron DeSantis has officially begun!
Ron-Ron did win big on Tuesday, having catered to the Florida electorate’s lunatic desire to be lied into early graves, so he’s the savior du jour for the go-along gang, with delusionally messianic campaign ads to match.
Looks like Rupert Murdoch is fully aboard the DeSantis train, (no vaccination required, so ya takes yer chances), and even Mikes Pompeo and Pence have the knives out, and I bet the MAGA mob is totally willing to abandon their Turd God at establishment Republicans’ urging this time, that’s a really good plan. He can go by “Ron!”
Heard it all before. And sure, “DeSanctimonious” is weak as fuck; may this moment of smug theatre criticism warm you next time you find yourself sucking cheeseburger crumbs out of the carpet at Mar-A-Lago. “Lyin’ Ted” wasn’t exactly Shakespeare, but it turned a man with one of the most impressive resumés in America into a quivering mound of bologna jello.
It ain’t up to you. It’s up to the mob. You may’ve noticed there aren’t a lot of stories about mobs that spontaneously set down their torches and pitchforks and start listening to old men in suits.
Heck, Tom Cotton’s already abandoned the Unsettlingly Ambitious White Creep lane to Rick Scott and Josh Hawley, purely out of fear of one of those nicknames. A whole party of trembling sycophants, living in mortal terror of a doddering manchild’s playground taunts. Odd it hasn’t worked out.
And since Off-Brand Orbán cleverly backed himself into announcing his third campaign from atop the still-smoking wreckage of his latest debacle, we’ll be kicking off the circular firing squad right away. Wee, inadequate, baby hands notwithstanding, the old prick is pulling no punches; he even figured out a way to lob a racist insult at People Magazine’s reigning Whitest Man Alive, Glenn Youngkin. No doubt the GOP would love it if he’d just slink silently away, but hey, if you haven’t internalized the goddamn snake story by now, I can’t help you.
Anyway, there’s more than enough loserstink to go ‘round, as members of Donnie One-Term’s legal team learned this week, when they were sanctioned for one of their frivolous lawsuits. Can’t imagine that’s the last time we’ll encounter that headline.
I know you’re probably worn out from laughing at Donald Trump, but I need you to dig down deep, and find that second wind, because we have to laugh at Kevin McCarthy now. It’s always tricky business, getting Mephistopheles to cough up those wages, innit, Kev? Well, I suppose you weren’t really doing anything with that soul anyway.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be fun. You were gonna hand Ukraine to Uncle Vlad and kick Dems off their committees and map every mole on Hunter Biden’s ass and crash the whole dang global economy, but now you’re looking at a razor-thin majority at best, and Marjorie Taylor Greene says if you don’t get her one of them Jewish space lasers for her office, she’ll sic the Proud Boys on you, assuming the feral assclowns of the Freedom Caucus don’t get you first. The stakes in authoritarian musical chairs are no joke, lil’ man. You’re the one who insisted on playing.
Oh, and save some listless snickering for Rick Scott, who reportedly shelved what would’ve been an absolutely adorable challenge to Mitch McConnell’s leadership once the full scope of the party faceplant became clear. My condolences to the brownshirt men’s choir that spent six weeks rehearsing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” for Ricky’s launch announcement.
Still, there does seem to be a bit of a movement afoot to dethrone Yertle for Trump’s failings, to which I say…do y’all need any help? Any at all? I’ve got my own luchador mask.
While largely delightful, the news wasn’t all good, of course; far from it. And there’ll be plenty of time for that, I’m sure Kari Lake in particular has some well-rehearsed bullshit planned for the days to come, but for just this one week, I think we’re allowed to strut a bit. We deserve it.
Because the good news keeps rollin’ on in. Looka here, Alex Jones owes another half billion to the people he terrorized, and I had to stop watching clips of Steve Bannon melting down because the neighbors complained about the giggling.
Meanwhile, the mighty imperial legions of Czar Vladimir the Terrible (At His Job) are doing what they do better than anyone in the world: shambolically retreating. In the background, Elon Musk continues throwing the sort of tantrum one throws when one realizes one spent forty-four billion dollars to inconvenience Kathy Griffin. What a strange coincidence that so many of the modern Right’s icons of masculinity turned out to be blithering nincompoops, hellbent on self-destruction.
Yes, a rough week for fuckheads, asshats, and crotchtumors of all stripes. And I will drink to that, my friends. I am going to crack another Tank 7 tallboy and roast marshmallows in the bonfire Elon’s making of his fortune; you stay safe out there, we’ve still gotta send Herschel Walker packing yet.
Smell that, Cappy?
Just a WHIFF of sanity…
O HOW I LOVED THIS, CAP!!
It is nice to see them loosing their shit just a bit for a change. Not all great but better than all the FUD delivering media was predicting, besides whatever the Republicans were pushing.
I’m also glad to stop seeing all the attack ads making up crap about their opponents, especially the right wing ones, very relaxing. Just waiting to see how it all shakes out but we got a decent Democrat for governor here in Oregon so far👍
Not to worry–Kari Lake will get her old job back at Trump’s Brothel cleaning the floor so she won’t get her knees dirty
when she is down on them serving her master.
Here in Colorado, we’re still biting our nails down to the quick over the wet dream of kicking BoBo the Clown to the curb. What was never at risk was our Governor. He put the crappiest ads out…well, not Michigan biker crappy, but really bad of him having a dog use baby talk to tell everyone how Colorado is the bestest!! 🙄
But he could do that because he was safe. We’re still cobalt blue in Colorado, with both Senators and the Governor Dems, and with any luck, BoBo the clown will be memorizing the age old question: “Would you like fries with that?”
BoBo the clown! Classic
Thank the Cap for keeping all this crap in perspective. I feel much better now and shall have one more bourbon before bed.
Another unforgettable, if not immortal line sir…” the Greek god of stepping on you own dick”. Isn’t that Penisosor, cousin of Posideon.
Ok, a temporary moment of sanity…3,2,1 aaand it’s triple down qnut crazy time again!! We the people may be under-educated but the mid terms have proved we’re not stupid. Now let’s eliminate all gerrymandering AND the electoral fucking college to find out where we really are. By the way, MoRon Johnson is a piece of shit and so is anyone who voted for him. WTF, Wisconsin?
I join you in rejoicing, Cap. There are still plenty of fascists lurking who must be put down, but the Red Wave turned into a Pink Moistness. Thanks especially to Generation Z, a more adult cohort than the spoiled rotten Boomers. Looking forward to the political demise of Walker, Lake and Boebert.
ROTFLMAO…. Pink Moistness, I have to remember that one. Bravo
The red wave turned out to be a bloody piss trickle down Uncle Sam’s right pantsleg.
I saw one of the longest lines ever at my local polling location this past week, many of them young people, and l knew, l KNEW: the young crowd and the sane folks were going to save us, even if it was only marginally, even if it was only going to be to fight another day. I’m picking up my celebration supplies this weekend. Good work, fellow Americans. And bravo, Cap.
Breathing out now…with the understanding that the diseased faction of our electorate still needs to be dealt with…like any epidemic. Thank you Cap for the inspiration you give freely to carry us through the crazy.
After years of Gerrymandered districts here in Michigan, we the people voted in 2020 to set up an independent panel to reset the districts, which the republicans in the state tried to underfund and went to court to set aside the will of the people, didn’t work and result was a clear Democratic sweep of the big three, Gov, SOS and AG, not to mention taking control of both the Senate and House of Reps, happy days are here again in Michigan
Bravo, Cap! One of your best. Love your work with that flamethrower.
Oh boy, CNBC reports that Blake Masters in AZ has been declared LOSER! We are now just one seat away from the senate Majority for the next two years. The upside is that Masto is only 870 votes behind Laxitivesalt in Nevada with nearly half a million votes all from Clark County still outstanding and will be counted by Monday. She was a full 1% behind last night so the Dem tally is coming in hot and heavy in Las Vegas for the Dems. She should be announced winner almost any time. That will seal off any chance of the GQP getting control of congress.
The so called republicans have to be seeing the handwringing… I mean handwriting on the wall now, their fascist attempts to kill democracy and steal elections came close but ultimately has failed. They have three options left, start that civil war they promised, and while I do not want people dying I say if you must you must. Or, they can just continue to shrivel up and go away, making room for a new party that would replace them that ditches this insanity of the far fringe right. And last, as well as least possible of these is they can change their hearts and attitudes towards modern life and the rights of others, but, I say that has even a smaller chance at victory that them winning their hare brained hillbilly civil war.
Update: CCM won. The senate will continue to be under Democratic control.
Yes, a rough week for fuckheads, asshats, and crotchtumors of all stripes. Thank the gods above! A well deserved break and a 2 day drunk in order
Best comment heard from a pretty powerful witch regarding the ‘red wave’ – ‘I’ve had periods heavier than that’.
Also, I’m hoping all drumph’s legal problems are now slow-walked for a few years. We’d see a Red Wedding that would wipe out the GQP and magat nation as they devour themselves. And then we salt their land.
Thanks Cap for all you do.
Now that made me snorggle!
The treacherous Ron Johnson is somehow still one of my senators, but if even you, Cap, are feeling some relief and hope, I can, too! Thank you so much for your service to humanity! I never fail to read your latest reporting on the country’s most outrageous news while enjoying my first coffee on a Saturday morning.
Yeah – we Badgers are watching in awe, as “Fighting Bob” LaFollette is spinning in his grave over RoJo’s disgusting ass-kissing of Suckface.
….I call tRump “Suckface” because, when he speaks, he always puckers up his lips, as though he’s inviting Putin to a B.J.
BEST. SCHADENFREUDE. EVER.
Thank you, Cap!
So much happiness in one week is hard to process after the horror and anxiety of awaiting the feared “red wave”. The amazing results of the mid-terms and the re-taking of Kherson by UA. Loved watching the remaining residents greeting the Ukrainian soldiers, and one particular video of a Ukrainian solder doing a little Tik-Tok style dance as he walked along in front of his assembled troops while they waited for the signal to enter the city. I’m having a Black Butte porter to celebrate all of the above. Thanks for all you do, Cap. It is truly, deeply appreciated.
Awesome job, Cap and (((((((((((hugs all around)))))))))))) for all the faithful who got their asses out and VOTED! Especially the young’uns, oh my goodness I wanted to hug every one of them. I did a lot of poll greeting during Early Voting, and my favorite moment was (this was at a Rec Center), a school bus pulled up full of 18 year old HS Seniors, there to vote. We clapped and cheered for them. It could have all been better, sure, but hell yeah, it could have been a lot worse.
A six=pack coming your way CAP’N…Thanks for keeping us sane!!! Gotta admit, I was shaking the shit outta my shoes till I started seeing the results cumming in. Me So Happy!!!!!!
So once more, we shall see the Gormless Old Perverts party hold an in-depth, searching, passionate review of what went wrong and how should the party change to combat the new reality. And of course, they will do as before and vote…. to go further to the right. Cut taxes for the rich, declare any miscarriage as an automatic murder charge, require exit visas to leave the USA (and maybe even one’s home state), force religious ceremonies every morning in schools (Christian only, naturally) and all the rest of the fascists’ wet dreams.
Lovely as always, Cap’n, and my quote of the week was, of course, “Greek god of stepping on your own dick”. Thanks for being irrepressible you! Hope you will consider joining some of us on Mastodon. It’s a brave new world, which such people in it!
Not to be cynical or anything, but in 2024 many, many boomers will be dead of multinious causes as the folks now just turned 16 will just then be able to vote!