Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
More Songs About Cat Litter and Violence
Hey folks, who wants to chuckle nervously as the clock ticks down to the batshittiest midterm election of our lifetime? Happening Here Bingo was a lot more fun back when everybody didn’t black out their card every single week.
The Republican Candidate Refuses to Agree to Accept Election Results square is free, of course. The Election Officials Getting Death Threats square is free. And so is the Terrorist Attack on a Venue That Hosted a Drag Queen Event square, and I guess nobody gets too excited anymore when the caller shouts, “Democratic Candidate Assaulted Outside His Own Home.”
And that’s just the background noise. A single paragraph’s unwieldy bingo metaphor. We’re in the last days of an election cycle, parties and candidates are making their final pitches, and the MAGA GOP’s closing argument is pretty goddamn gross, friends: authoritarianism, anti-Semitism, and big, big lies.
Lies about everything. Lies about basically inconsequential shit, and lies about the most important shit in the world. Lies designed to drive people violently insane, and whenever somebody snaps, and, say, assaults the Speaker of the House’s husband with a hammer, lies about the very victims of their massive, sustained campaign of lies, because we’ve arrived at the Wallowing Gleefully in Our Obscenity stage of this thing.
Healthy stuff, in other words.
Well, the Elon Musk era of Twitter launched on the entirely predictable wave of hate speech, followed by the entirely predictable advertiser and user exodus, followed by the entirely predictable manchild meltdown. From the bottom of the $44 billion hole he dug, Musk attempted to cast the avoidable results of his own pudding-headed decision-making as an assault on fundamental human rights, as has become standard operating procedure for narcissistic billionaire fuckwits the world over.
Elon. Buddy. You built that, bro. You and you alone. As your expensive new toy erupted with slurs, what did you do? You let the world know, in no uncertain terms, that the new boss, a genius, filters information exactly as well as that one kid from high school in your Facebook feed who periodically brags that she’s about to meet JFK Jr.
Your First Amendment rights are intact, kiddo, it’s just that there’s little economic benefit in sponsoring your credulous platforming of a Weekly World News-level hoax about the Pelosi attack. Get your ad revenue out of the drooling maniacs you’re so eager to serve, Mr. Free Speech Champion; that’s how the market works.
Incidentally, I don’t know that the American Right is gonna get a clearer off-ramp than Conspiracy-Addled Asshat Attempts House Speaker’s Assassination, but since taking it would require a thimbleful of decency, they’re opting for another lurch towards fascism instead.
Yeah, that “family values” party sure does find it hilarious that one of their dutifully indoctrinated drones assaulted an 82-year-old man in his home. The gags aren’t particularly funny, but they don’t need to be, when the point is reveling in your power to inflict harm.
Charlie Kirk, chairdork of the junior brownshirt org Turning Point USA, wants somebody to pay the attacker’s bail haw haw haw you could throw him a party with a hammer-shaped cake and you could invite Kyle Rittenhouse how dare they call us deplorable truly it is we who are the Real Victims Here™️.
It is in fact profoundly unjust, as Ronna NotRomney whined, to imply Republicans had anything whatsoever to do with this completely random act of violence, just because the would-be assassin’s social media feed is indistinguishable from an RNC staffer’s, or just because of the GOP’s years of targeting Pelosi with dehumanizing, frequently violent rhetoric, oh look, here’s a Republican Congressman firing a gun next to a #FirePelosi hashtag a few days before the attack, and here’s a pro-Trump insurrectionist talking about how badly he’d like to hang Nancy Pelosi but otherwise this kind of thing hardly ever happens, though I’d consider it a personal favor if you wouldn’t check.
Don’t check anything, actually. Ever. Pay no attention to the fact that Halloween came and went without a single rainbow fentanyl tablet making its way into a single trick-or-treater’s repurposed pillowcase; just stand by, with hammers and nail guns at the ready, while we work out what you’re supposed to be afraid of next.
Maybe it’ll be JD Vance’s imaginary horde of migrants seeking taxpayer-funded “gender reassignment surgeries.” They’re coming in a caravan, I hear. They’re headed to your town on Antifa buses, each bearing as much kitty litter as they can carry, so their furry children have something to pee in.
I have grown so weary of writing about kitty litter, my friends. I shouldn’t have to write about kitty litter this much, this is not a cat blog, though I bet in the alternate reality where I started a cat blog five years ago, I’m significantly more cheerful.
No, I’m stuck with Don Bolduc, who generated multiple litter-based headlines this week, because he will not, by gawd, be made to renounce the Kids Shitting in Litter Boxes Because of Wokeness myth. Did Moses not bear tablets of stone from ‘pon the mountaintop, proclaiming, in the Lord’s own hand, that furry kids shit in litter boxes because of wokeness literally all the time, you heathen deep state commie bastards?
All kindsa wacky laws on them tablets, but of course the big one is We Get To Be In Charge Forever And Ever No Matter What. (It always is.) Not exactly compatible with democracy, and they’re growing increasingly comfortable saying so; for example, Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Tim Michels, who promises, “Republicans will never lose another election” if he wins, which is pretty much every swing state GOP Secretary of State candidate’s explicit plan as well.
And in Texas, some Republican Party officials have taken their voter harassment campaign door-to-door, adding that essential “we know where you live” element to the climate of fear they’re so meticulously crafting.
Violence and intimidation. Focused assaults on electoral infrastructure. I mentioned the anti-Semitism, yes? It’s only when your violent anti-democracy movement is extra-super-not-even-semi-fascist that it embraces anti-Semitism in the immediate run-up to a national election, right?
With the likes of Kanye and Kyrie hogging that particular spotlight, the Mastriano campaign knew it would need to act boldly to stand out; luckily, Dougie’s wife had a demented, dominionist ace up her sleeve.
Sorry this post is so grim, chums, but this is grim shit we’re discussing. Well, let’s rattle off a few quick gags and land this fucker.
I see Herschel Walker challenged Barack Obama to a resumé competition, and I have to say, if the metrics used in the evaluation are Abortions Personally Financed, or Number of Abuse Allegations, there are definitely some merits to his boasting.
Stephen Miller added his uniquely subpar mewl to the cacophony of mediocre white guy shrieking that constitutes the Republican GOTV strategy, hoping to mobilize the crucial Creepy Middle-Aged Dudes Still Frothing Mad About Some Shit From High School corner of the MAGA coalition. Gross.
Longtime readers know I’m hardly a Donald Trump fan, but I think we should hear him out on this “impeach Mitch McConnell” thing. Stopped clocks, folks.
A labyrinthine plot, worthy of the great antagonists of detective fiction, to shield Trump family assets from New York Attorney General Letitia James’ investigation, by hiding them under sunglasses and a fake mustache, somehow came up short, a rare miss from the whackjob carousel that represents Donnie Dotard in court.
“Trump Organization II,” brought to you by the criminal mastermind behind such classics as, “No One Will Notice the Stolen Nuclear Secrets“ and, “Maybe If Somebody Lynches Mike Pence I Get To Stay President.” How he failed to denuclearize North Korea I’ll never understand.
Welcome news from Brazil, where voters rejected fascism and failure, though given other international election results, the jury is still out on the elusive Is Humanity Capable Of Learning Fucking Anything question.
Anyway, I know nobody reading this needs to me to remind them to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, but a man has obligations to his catchphrase. When next we meet, we’ll know a lot more about precisely how scary our neighbors are, that’ll be somethin’ to talk about. Stay safe out there ‘til then, friends.
PS – Hey Elon…I bet if you keep hitting Twitter with a wrench like that, money’ll just fall out. Someday. Cool investment, champ.