Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The One Where the Guy Tries to Kill Nancy Pelosi With a Hammer
Well, the midterms’re just around the corner, and things’ve gone more or less apeshit. Welcome to election season in the madhouse; sure am glad everybody’s so heavily armed.
So, turns out, when you spend a couple years driving folks violently insane with persecution fantasies, your politics turn a bit screwy. In a lot of ways, it’s surprising it took us this long to arrive at the Hammer-Wielding Assassin phase of the show.
But we’re there, folks. Masked maniacs in tactical gear menacing voters in Arizona. Election policy succumbing to the demented demands of conspiracy theorists in a rural Republican community in Nevada. Election offices hemorrhaging staff under a bombardment of harassment and nuisance requests. Fast-congealing plans to use the coming results in Pennsylvania to test-drive new attacks on the election system, as MAGA gears up for the big one in 2024.
Basically, the mewling white resentment cult we call the Republican Party has declared open season on democracy, and now we get to find out how many furious weirdos answer the call this time ‘round, wheeeeee. I wonder what silly costumes they’ll wear as they attempt to murder us with whatever household tool or small appliance happens to be nearest at the moment their brain finally breaks.
God knows Paul Gosar’s ready to boogaloo. Lookit the way he lights up at the mere mention of shooting immigrants. Nothing semi- ‘bout Congressman Szell, friends. Feels like it should be a bigger story, doesn’t it?
“Oh Cap, that’s just how Republicans are nowadays, they’re angry and racist and growing more authoritarian by the dang minute and they spend their time daydreaming about violence.” I suppose you’re right; I guess I’m just attached to the old-fashioned notion that every single step these freaks and losers take towards fascism deserves to be front page news.
Like, when Kanye showed up to the picnic unexpectedly bearing a tuna casserole and Stormfront-level anti-Semitism, they slid him into the conga line without missing a beat or making a fuss. People do conga lines at picnics, right? Please don’t tell my high school English teachers about this blog.
(Watching the Pelosi story unfold while I draft this post. Hammer Dork spent his life in the wingnut disinformation bubble, you say? Hours flinging all the latest lies around Facebook, you say? Huh.)
As expected, the Pennsylvania Senate debate offered Republicans an irresistible opportunity to once again prove Adam Serwer’s famous hypothesis, and also for dog-torturing telequack Mehmet Oz to opine that abortion decisions really oughta stay between a woman, her doctor, and “local political leaders,” yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes.
Since they’re to be deputized as Junior Theocrat Rangers in charge of every womb that wanders within 100 yards, let’s check in some of those “local political leaders,” shall we? See what they’re about?
Obviously, Herschel Walker is ready to hit the ground running here, given his extensive, hands-on experience with the abortion issue, which it feels like we’re learning more and more about every day. Anybody have the Tootsie Pop owl’s phone number? I’d like to find out how many abortions financed it takes to get to that elusive candy center where wingnut evangelicals actually hold themselves to those standards they’re always bellowing about.
Anyway, we’re gonna need some clarification on the mechanics. For example, with Marsha Blackburn cavorting with Proud Boys at an anti-trans hate rally, and Marco Rubio’s campaign hiring white supremacist canvassers, we have to ask, does this apply only to elected officials, or would the umbrella extend to any brownshirts in their entourage? Precisely how many militarized incels will be consulted in each individual birthing vessel’s reproductive health decisions?
Will the “local political leaders” all be as craven and obsequious as Blake Masters and JD Vance? And, if so, how will they balance these new slut-flogging duties with their time-intensive day job, tongue-bathing the hindquarters of a guy who’s spent years boasting about passing a cognitive test?
(What’s that? Glenn Youngkin debuted his tight five on the Pelosi attack while her husband was still hospitalized with injuries inflicted by a MAGA terrorist? On the campaign trail, no less? Gee, there’s certainly no culture-wide rot there!)
Maybe we’re just not getting local enough. Let’s check in on the gubernatorial candidates, I’m sure they will prove qualified, trustworthy supervisors to the nation’s assorted whores and jezebels.
The Mastriano campaign was unavailable for comment, as they were far too busy impugning the Jewishness of opponent Josh Shapiro, and spending Gab founder Andrew Torba’s money, but you know Dougie’s always down for a little dominionism.
But you’ll have to speak up if you want Tudor Dixon to hear you over the brain-devouring maggots. Dixon, who we must assume is, as the party’s nominee for governor of the whole state, the very best Republican in all of Michigan, apparently believes Covid-19 was part of a decades-long Democrat conspiracy to reinstate slavery, which, like so many things Republican candidates spew these days, is closer to believing the Trix Rabbit wants you to kill some recurring insurance commercial character than it is to anything real.
(Oh, and I see the Everything I Don’t Want to Believe is a False Flag contingent completed its thorough study of the Pelosi/hammer incident. Say what you will about their conclusions, they’re speedy.)
Really, the only prerequisite to obtain the uterus-policing powers of a Local Political Leader™️is blind fealty to the ever-expanding litany of Crazy Fake Shit MAGA Believes, like “medication designed to deworm livestock will cure a virus” or “Donald Trump, a 239-pound man who cares about ordinary people like me, won the 2020 presidential election.” Shit, New Hampshire Senate candidate Don Bolduc gets pissy when you understate the length of his cult membership.
If anybody’s looking to snap that last thread and go stark raving nuts tonight, may I recommend the article in the Times documenting the mad tangle of pillow money and Mike Lindell’s personal mental health issues fueling the spread of the Big Lie? Don’t read this one over any vats of experimental chemicals, folks.
Boy, if there’s one thing recent American history has taught us, it’s that there’s no practical limit to the damage one emotionally stunted rich prick can inflict with a sufficiently large platform. Good thing nobody’s selling any massive social media platforms to thin-skinned manchildren, huh?
(Hammer Dork shared Lindell’s videos on Facebook, you say? And me without my fainting couch.)
Incidentally, while I appreciate the contribution to the historical record, I fear Bob Woodward’s Trump tapes are hitting the market at a commercially suboptimal moment; I’m not sure anyone’s hoping Santa leaves Hours of Narcissistic Pandemic-Era Whining in their stocking, y’know?
I tell you what, I bet nepotism is nothing to fuck with when you’re dealing with the spawn of the very mouth of ascendant American fascism; anyway, Tucker Carlson named his kid “Buckley,” because fucking of course he did.
I see the Trump/DeSantis softboi slapfight is heating up, and golly, that’s gonna be embarrassing. Two lumps of weapons-grade mediocrity dueling for the MAGA mob’s attention and adulation. Living in history is gross, and I hate it.
With all the grim shit going down, I thought it was right kind of Ted Cruz to waddle out and step on a few rakes for our amusement. In these post-decency days, nothing warms the soul quite like watching people remind an asshole he’s an asshole.
…except maybe watching the gears of justice work their slow n’ steady will on these thugs. Another clock just ran out on Mark Meadows, I always enjoy those stories. Our old pal Jacob Wohl swung by, to plead guilty to felony fraud. Remember Jacob Wohl? Simpler times, man. Nobody was gonna build a gallows because they thought Elizabeth Warren was gettin’ a piece on the side, y’know?
Nowadays the right-wing kooks are more like Albuquerque Head, who earned every minute of his 7 1/2 year sentence at the Capitol Riot. Or, you know, the fellow who broke into Nancy Pelosi’s home with a hammer and sent her husband to the hospital.
So yeah, this was the one where the guy tries to kill Nancy Pelosi with a hammer, and I dunno about you folks, but I’ve never been so excited to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Something about a tornado of malice and violence just makes me feel like standing up to be counted. You stay safe out there, so you can do the same.