Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Mummy, the Indictment Fairy Finally Came!
Slow news week, huh? Man, that one never gets old. “Slow news week.” Good one, Cap, maybe you can work something in about the Gwyneth Paltrow trial, like a mob of Goop truthers armed with vagina-scented candles storming the courtroom or something? I dunno, I’ll figure it out.
After decades of frequently illegal public shittiness, Off-Brand Orbán finally got indicted, presenting the American Right with yet another opportunity to retake the Should We Do Fascism test, which, well…at a certain point, you don’t expect progress anymore, but you’re still allowed to be disappointed, I think.
Excuse me, got “indicated.” We strive for accuracy here. But about the fascism:
Yeah, he’s trying to whip up a murder mob again, just like the last time he was backed into a corner. Merrily agitating away on his freshly-restored Facebook page. That was a good call, Zuck, thanks for your help. He’s going after the judge now, in addition to Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg, already the target of death threats and lynching fantasies.
So now we wait to see how many weirdos show up in New York next Tuesday. Marjorie Taylor Greene, sensing a brand-building opportunity, was among the first to RSVP. It’ll be like the MAGA Met Gala. I wonder what wacky outfits they’ll wear, and will they be accessorizing with zip ties or AR-15s this year?
Turnout has been mercifully, hilariously low at pro-Dotard protests so far, but the screeching heads’re really screeching right now, so I guess we’ll see.
A culture-wide conniption fit inside a disinformation bubble is really quite something. This one, brazenly corrupt asshole must be protected and elevated at all costs, his every whim made reality, or I fear we shall have no choice but to become violent.
Of course you have a choice. Every passing moment is a fresh, dewy opportunity to pull your head out of your ass. Stop worshiping a loser, dorks. I promise you it’s that simple.
Trumpism is a Russian plot to embarrass the United States on the stage of world history. And it’s working.
Look at the statement the New York Young Republican Club smeared on the wall in fecal matter. Seriously, look at it: “President Trump embodies the American people—our psyche from id to super-ego—as does no other figure; his soul is totally bonded with our core values and emotions, and he is our total and indisputable champion.”
Wow, that is definitely how people who aren’t in cults talk. Why would you want Donald Trump’s soul bonded to your emotions? I can’t even imagine that without H.R. Giger’s help.
“Young Republican Club.” The future’s so bright, it’s gotta wear shades, or, better still, some sort of harness that keeps it from reproducing.
Incidentally, just like on January 6th, don’t expect to see Charmin-softbois like Tucker Carlson and Jason Whitlock beside you on the ramparts. They won’t be serving prison sentences alongside you, either. You rubes. You brainless fucking rubes.
Ah, but rubes who must be pandered to! Governor DeSantis bleated out a sad, flaccid pledge to violate the U.S. Constitution on behalf of the guy who’s been relentlessly pelting him with abuse for a month, because I guess Ted Cruz has been giving seminars. “See, when you run against Trump, you eat his shit until he beats you, and then you’re a joke for the rest of your life!” Thanks for the tip, Ted.
It would be lovely if somebody in the GOP could mount a serious challenge to the game show host, since he’s apparently plotting to hollow out the administrative state and invade Mexico, but we’re not exactly walking among titans, here.
I see history’s dumbest death cult formally added Capitol Riot worship to the already embarrassing ritual they refer to as a “Trump rally,” where they gather to fete their living idiot god, currently on year four of bragging about passing a cognitive test once.
I think I’ve mentioned this before, but the Passing of the Cognitive Test is far and away my favorite MAGA Bible story. Have you ever seen other people, like, people who are not Trump himself, brag about Donald Trump Passing a Cognitive Test Once? It’s magnificent, in a way; the ultimate triumph of man over his own sense of self-respect.
But yeah, Waco was weird. A Trump rally feels like the sort of place you’d get trapped in during a Twilight Zone episode. But also the lamest possible version of that. Ted Nugent rants for a bit and the MyPillow guy rants for a bit and they play a video of a bunch of furious shitheads failing to lynch Mike Pence.
Of course, despite everything, he’s actually rising in the polls, because A) Republican primary voters are incurable jagoffs, and B) Ron DeSantis just sucks that much.
Watching Ron stumble onto the national stage, you’d think you were witnessing meticulously choreographed slapstick; every footstep somehow finds a rake. Ron DeSantis is the Barney Fife of Doug Mastrianos.
The drooling goon was already earning headlines like “DeSantis has never been tested. And it shows,” “What Ron DeSantis and Derek Zoolander have in common,” and, for you cut-to-the-chase types, “Why Ron DeSantis Looks Like a Loser,” and that was before Mickey Mouse dipped a four-fingered glove into his pudding cup.
And the Mouse ate his fill. No pudding for Ron, and no power for his power grab. Feels a little weird, cheering the corporate behemoth, but anybody who crotch-punts a book-banner is ok with me.
To be perfectly fair n’ balanced, they’re banning movies down in DeSantistan, too. Last time it was Rosa Parks, now it’s Ruby Bridges; gosh, I wonder if there’s any detectable pattern there? Anyway, Florida Republicans’re actually trying to make the process even easier, because decimating children’s libraries shouldn’t be a hassle, we’ve all got things to do.
If you want a peek into these zealots’ long-term plans for America, check out their celebrations surrounding that viciously anti-gay bill in Uganda. There are zero degrees of separation remaining between the institutional GOP and the hate-crazed fringe, by the way: DeSantis hired a speechwriter who practically wet himself praising Nick Fuentes.
Skeevy little twerp called Nate Hochman. Said, of Fuentes, “I think Nick’s probably a better influence than Ben Shapiro on young men who might otherwise be conservative.” That’s a pretty strange party game you’ve chosen, Nate. I have to say, I think you picked wrong, and also that you owe me a Coke for making me think about it.
Anyway, if you think Nick Fuentes is a positive influence on young men, one job you definitely shouldn’t have is writing speeches for a sitting governor. Another job you shouldn’t have is writing speeches for a presidential candidate. Wouldn’t let Nate walk my dog, either, if I’m honest.
I see Chris Christie imagines he can reinvent himself as Sick and Tired of Donald Trump Guy, sort of the lackey-fed-up-with-his-boss’-abuse arc you tend to see in professional wrestling. Bet that works real well, Chris. Say hi to Mike Pompeo for me, when you see him on the edge of the debate stage.
Normally, when there’s a school shooting, Republicans cover up their AR-15 pins and hide from the press for a couple of days, but this one presented an opportunity to stoke trans panic that was too good to pass up…apparently.
Suddenly, Josh Hawley’s howling about hate crimes. Josh Hawley’s sanctimony is like a lima bean fart, in a way I’m struggling to articulate right now, but definitely a lima bean fart.
Republicans have almost proudly given up on our gun violence problem, forcing the discerning voter to once again wonder, “what fucking good are these people?”
Nothing exposes conservative brain rot like a school shooting. Clay Higgins says, “There’s no such thing as gun violence,” and Rick Scott thinks a lil’ more capital punishment’ll do the trick, and Nikki Haley tells us gun control is the “lazy way out” but I think Tim Burchett put it best when he said, “We’re not gonna fix it,” which is the clearest distillation of the Republican ethos I have ever seen.
Speaking of confidence, Lauren Boebert is still yelling, about pee this time, I think she thinks she’s stumbled onto some Democrat plot to legalize public urination? It’s tough to tell. Lauren Boebert believes all kindsa things.
Kevin McCarthy meeped out a bit of debt ceiling posturing, but still refuses to publicly identify the specific spending cuts he seeks, which Joe Biden is more than happy to point out. Kevin’s negotiating style is best described as Cat With Its Head Caught In a Bag. “The budget doesn’t have anything to do with the debt ceiling!” Oh you poor, dumb thing, you don’t even understand what a bag is, do you?
In that ridiculously high-stakes Supreme Court election up in Wisconsin, the conservative candidate campaigned alongside a QAnon-promoting Stop the Steal organizer, but hey, both sides do it, and the parties are exactly the same, outside of some trifling disagreements about abortion and democracy and whether or not JFK Jr. is coming back.
While “protesting,” one of the Dotard’s dutiful drones pulled a knife on a family with two small children, right in front of some cops, because only the fittest have survived three years of ivermectin poisoning. I’m told Marjorie Taylor Greene will be leading a candlelight vigil for the knife-wielding psychopath as soon as her schedule permits.
Last week, we learned Joe Biden was a clone, and now it turns out John Fetterman has been replaced by a body double. My sources tell me Hakeem Jeffries is an enchanted statue come to life, and of course the worst-kept secret in Washington is that Sherrod Brown is actually a tiny alien piloting a Sherrod Brown-shaped robot battlesuit. The only real human being in the Democratic Party is Jennifer Granholm.
Shoutout to Putin, on his vastly expanded border with NATO; to Elon, for destroying more than half of Twitter’s value in five short months; and to Bibi, for losing the support of his people so completely and so deservedly. Geniuses, who should be in charge of things, clearly.
Well, I’m off to invest my weekly Soros deposit in a sixer of something hoppy, you stay safe out there, friends.
PS – Things’re going poorly for Fox in the Dominion lawsuit, which is great, but that story broke late and I’m tired and tipsy so write your own damn joke. Work in Gwyneth Paltrow if you can, I never quite got there. OR DID I?