Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Perp-Walk Fixation’s Third Album is an Underrated New Wave Masterpiece
Sitting around waiting for Donald Trump to get arrested is at least pleasanter than sitting around waiting for Donald Trump to concede, or leave office, or potentially provoke nuclear catastrophe on the Korean Peninsula. I could do without the lurking threat of loser street violence, of course.
He works harder at whipping up murderous lunatics than he ever did at serving the American public. No premature declarations of victory or long golf weekends here, just a steady stream of all caps social media posts: PLEASE KILL ALVIN BRAGG FOR ME I’M TOO PRETTY FOR PRISON.
Nifty, innit, that the overwhelming frontrunner for a third consecutive Republican presidential nomination is trying to get a law enforcement official assassinated? That’s normal and healthy and fun. Doesn’t seem to be above-the-fold news, either, which is even more normal and healthy and fun.
He’s calling his enemies “human scum” and ranting about “death and destruction” and posting shit like “incidentally, if anyone’s wondering what Alvin Bragg looks like, here’s a picture of me menacing him with a baseball bat.” Liberally sprinkling accusations of being “Soros-backed,” it’s all terrifically subtle.
But then, riot turnout ain’t what it used to be, possibly because of the high incarceration rate. You best watch out, Dotard, in death cult politics, you’re only as mighty as your last lynch mob. Your would-be successors’ll rip you to pieces if they smell weakness.
…or they would, if they weren’t terrified to criticize you in any way. There’s a lot more groveling in the 2024 Republican presidential primary than is typical of competitive human endeavors, have you noticed that? You don’t tend to see a great deal of cowering deference on, say, the offensive line. But everybody’s too afraid of this prattling dipshit to actually, y’know…oppose him.
Personally, I think if you want to be President of the United States, you can’t be afraid of any game show hosts. There should be a questionnaire, with a list of every single game show host in the world, and you check the ones you’re scared of, and if you check any boxes at all, you don’t get to run for President. That should be in the Constitution.
Leave it to Donald Trump to fuck up getting arrested. Got everybody’s hopes up for a big show on Tuesday, failed to deliver. Just like always, in all things. From airlines to vodka to pandemic management to casinos to pants to midterms, the Trump brand delivers failure. Failure you can set your watch to.
With the political instincts of cattle with self-esteem issues, the Republican Party has decided once more to rally around the crooked doofus who’s cost them three elections running. Does the GOP serve any function anymore, beyond helping this one old man commit crimes? (Outside of terrorizing trans kids, of course.)
Jim Jordan re-deputized himself Fancy Investigator Man in Charge of Whatever’s Upsetting Mr. Trump Today, and let’s set aside the instinctual abuse of power here, and contemplate for a moment, like…is it possible that Jim Jordan still believes he’s good at investigating things? Aw. Sweetie, no.
What we need in this country is a Dunning-Kruger moonshot.
Everyone inside the MAGA bubble agrees the indictment guarantees the Dotard’s reelection, for…reasons. Sure. And ivermectin will fall from the sky, washing away the groomers and the vaccinators and the busloads of antifas, on a wave of horse paste. “While the incompetence and venality turn me off, there’s an undeniable bad boy charm to him now, which I can only describe as…indicted-y.”
Of course, no one’s buried deeper in this delusion than Donnie One-Term himself, who apparently spends his days waltzing madly around Mar-a-Lago, caught up in his “perp-walk fixation,” dreaming of the gown his fairy godmother weaves even now for the persecution pageant to come, like some carny-grade Norma Desmond.
If getting arrested is his kink, this might just work out for everybody. You’d need a scorecard to keep up with all the aides n’ lawyers who’ve been ordered to testify before the various grand juries. Still curiously absent from the discourse on the Right: the once noncontroversial Electing Criminals is Bad, Actually take.
“Nobody Likes Mike Pence,” says The Atlantic. Which is true. I can’t think of anyone who likes Mike Pence. What’s to like? I suppose I like the fact that he’s subjecting himself to the daily humiliation of seeking electoral support from a mob he built that’s since turned on him. That part’s pretty great.
Meanwhile, Republicans’re desperate to like Ron DeSantis, but he sure makes it tough for ‘em, with that “inescapable shittiness” thing he’s got going on. Ron DeSantis sucks so hard, he’s somehow managed to need a staff shakeup before even officially launching his campaign, which…yikes.
Say what you will about the standard, you wouldn’t want to have a beer with Ron, would you? In fact, you wouldn’t leave a drink unattended around Ron. He’s creepy and hateful and mean. He’s a jerk. He bans books and undermines press freedoms.
He’s turned Florida into a place where criminals get to legislatively impose their personal prejudices on the populace, and every bored wannabe theocrat has the power to get educators fired for exposing kids to works of art that have endured for centuries. Where they’re trying to pass a law that would ban young girls from discussing periods in school.
The man is not even capable of engaging in light, low-stakes pandering without generating negative press. Ron DeSantis has zero game. He is sans game.
Well, maybe I’m wrong, and maybe America is about to fall in love with a lurching goon who picks fights with Rosa Parks and Disney. Maybe there’re lots of winners who sullenly demand “call me a winner” during television interviews, I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.
With book-banning attempts at a 20-year high, Louisiana Congressdork Clay Higgins dreams of replacing public libraries with “church-owned” ones, where you could check out Matt Walsh’s anti-trans children’s book, and possibly a scrotum-tanning machine. Hey Clay, America’s not going to let furious weirdos like Clay Higgins take our books away. Something something cold, dead hands.
According to a Fox News producer’s lawsuit, there’s rampant misogyny behind the scenes at the network that manufactures all those massive, culture-wrecking lies that’ve caused such a fuss. My, my. I bet break room vending machine prices are unreasonable, too.
Michigan’s kooky new GOP chair, Kristina Karamo, won’t apologize for comparing gun reform to the Holocaust, because let’s face it, she’s got a long list of shit she’s going to compare to the Holocaust before all’s said and done. It could be argued that one cannot reasonably expect a MAGA loudmouth to perform their duties without comparing shit to the Holocaust.
So, Uvalde cops were afraid of the shooter’s AR-15. That’s a reasonable reaction, I think. An AR-15 is a frightening machine. It is effective and efficient and user-friendly. And commercially available, thanks to Republican gun laws. Obviously, only societies that really, REALLY care about their children’s lives design systems that work this way.
Peter Thiel’s “anti-woke bank” somehow failed, despite Candace Owens’ endorsement, and personally, I blame the deep state. The deep state is super woke, of course. They demand diversity in the babies they sacrifice, for example. It would be considered elitist to just drink white babies’ blood.
Nick Fuentes says women secretly “want to be raped,” and if there’s one thing Nick Fuentes knows a whole lot about, it’s women. I don’t think there’s any room to question his expertise here, frankly. Wow, I never knew that about women. Hey, remember when Nick had dinner with Trump?
Also, Joe Biden might be a clone. Not to alarm anybody, I just thought you should know. And look, I know I shouldn’t meddle with forces beyond my ken, but if we can, in fact, clone Biden, we should make one just to follow Paul Ryan around and laugh at him.
Anyway, I myself am not getting indicted next Tuesday. Probably. Might have an extra beer or three this weekend, just in case. No need to riot on my behalf either way, though.
Thanks, Cap. I needed that!
A Cap, a spleef, a glass of Pinot Grigio – a most pleasant Friday evening @ th’ farm…
Really good this one! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
One of your best!!
Really good this one! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Stellar as always Cap and so needed ! Thanks.
You hit it out of the park this week. Some of my favorites: DeSantis is “sans game,” and is disliked because of that “inescapable shitty thing he’s got going on.” Of Pence you wrote, “What’s to like?” Fabulous and thank you.
Very witty and amusing as usual; thanks!
Brilliant, as always, Cap. Pushing the pun envelope, how about, “Ron DeSantis has zero game. He is De-sans game.”
I loved this as much as l hate Trump and his MAGA Republikkkans (the shttiest garage band ever) and that tells you pretty much all you need to know. Enjoy your weekend, Cap. 🍺
I laughed all through this post and then laughed again with each quoted statement. You bring the true elixir of laughter, Cap! I can breathe again!! Thank you.
Thanks for the blessed relief of laughter, Cap. I do look forward to putting the Cap on the end of another long interesting week.
Ron DeSansgame, Cap? Careful or the Mango Menace will steal that!
I’ve heard rumors (could be dream) doni’s plane will be diverted sat to New Mexico. Then he will put in an old Brinks truck to be shipped to New York.
No stopping at KFC or McD’s. All back roads, please.
What a great dream – sign me up! Cap, you’ve done it again, DeSatan is for sure “sans game”. You might like a Twitter thread Jack Smith put up, he said he had about 30-45 minutes and took questions. It was awesome – the man is a brilliant smartass. Someone asked if indictments could be brought on the weekends or only on weekdays and he replied “Any day is a good day to ruin someone’s day”. It was hysterical. Some of his answers made me think of you.
Oh, my god, republicans like “cattle with self esteem issues”? Loved it, loved it, and went back and read it again. LOL Thank you. The description is perfect. As usual, you made my Saturday morning.
One of your very best! A high bar to be sure, yet there are oodles of brilliant quotable phrases here. Thank you!
Lots of laughter, and the glimmering of joy at the probability of accountability, in this Year of Defendant tRump.
Getting to share this with Cap and his showering army: priceless!
Back in the early 70’s when calculations were still done with a slide rule and fax machines were state of the art communication devices, the highlight of my week was the delivery of the latest issue of the Rolling Stone and the current installment of “Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail.” Many shots of Wild Turkey and half a century later I look forward to your blog with maybe not quite the same youthful enthusiasm but with the same admiration and appreciation. Your work is Gonzo Journalism at its finest.
Another gem. Thanks!
I needed a lift last night, and you came through big time, as usual. Many thanks – enjoy your weekend and some good beer.
If you wanna throw hands with that giant British chap from the show The Beast, go nuts.
Cap, if you get indicted, I’m rioting.
made my day!Mahalo nui loa!