Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Yeah, Exactly Like Jesus
I write tonight’s post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n’ hot takes about the strength of Alvin Bragg’s case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself further punditry. Please send beer.
Yes, America spent a day and a half watching that goony little doofus fly from Florida to New York to get arrested, and then we yelled at the television for showing it to us, for we are a nation of assholes, and Donald Trump was sent to plague us, by some sort of cosmic Greek tragedian.
He didn’t get the long, slow, martyr march he wanted, (Melania wouldn’t let him use any of the good tiaras anyway) just courtroom sketches and a couple photos where he looks scared. You can buy a shirt with a fake mugshot on it, though. That’s a shirt you can buy, so everyone around you will know what a dipshit you are. It’s like a MAGA hat, but a shirt.
Republicans, from the highest halls of power to the Appalachianest diners of Real America, rallied obsequiously to their precious, fading game show host, because they don’t know how to do anything else anymore. Well, stay on the sinking ship, fellas. Lifeboats are for cucks.
Lindsey Graham is organizing a bake sale for next Sunday, or maybe an insurrection, I couldn’t make it out through the blubbering. Jim Jordan wants to know if it’s possible to defund the rule of law all at once, or if it’d be easier to go agency by agency? And of course, George Santos was there.
Anyway, the Dotard is basically Jesus, and/or Nelson Mandela, like Marjorie Taylor Greene says. I feel like Nelson Mandela’s social media posts wouldn’t be quite so racist. I’m not saying Jesus’ would be, mind you. I bet both of them would immediately grasp that a cognitive test doesn’t measure intelligence, though.
You don’t get any more Christlike than MAGA, that’s for sure. For He did circulate amongst His followers the likeness of the daughter of the judge in His porn star hush money case, that they might menace her with hammers and bear spray and perhaps the odd nail gun.
No riot this time, which is great for all sorts of reasons. The more headlines like “Lone MAGA supporter awaits Trump in New York, fears antifa” the better. (I had to work that one in because it’s perfect and I love it. Say it out loud. Honor the comma. Really linger.)
Marj was on 60 Minutes, by the way, which I guess means she’s normalized now. I dunno, I’m not sure how normal you can make someone who rants about Jewish space lasers, but it’s something else to be mad about, if you’re hard up for shit to be mad about.
Word on the street is, Kevin McCarthy can’t corral his feral caucus ahead of the approaching debt ceiling collision, but that’s unpossible, Kevin am the leaderest leader who ever led!
In Tennessee, the Republican supermajority, which has been on a proto-fascist bender for some time now, expelled a pair of young, Black, Democratic state representatives, for Unconscionable Uppityness in Defense of Children’s Lives, which is not allowed in Tennessee.
Tennessee Republicans appear to’ve bitten off a bit more than they can chew here, so I imagine we’ll be hearing more in days to come. Get ready to be the bad guys in the next wave of books Florida bans, boys!
In addition to getting indicted on 34 felony charges, Donald Trump tried and failed to hire Laura Loomer this week, which is fairly embarrassing. In protest, Loomer handcuffed herself to…something, probably.
Oh, and apparently, DoJ has evidence he personally rifled through the purloined classified docs to pull out the stuff he really wanted, which, sure, probably means the surveillance photos of Mike Pence’s heartrendingly abnormal masturbation breaks in the West Wing powder room, but might be nuclear secrets for all anybody knows.
Desperate to revive his fast-fading presidential hopes, and running out of children’s books about civil rights heroes to ban, Ron DeSantis has apparently decided to lose a few more rounds to Disney. That oughta do the trick. Another excellent plan from the party of excellent plans.
That six week abortion ban he’s cooking up’ll play real well, too, because Wisconsin doesn’t exist, I guess, though if it did exist, there certainly wasn’t an election there this week.
I’d like to thank Daniel Kelly for losing so badly, by which I mean both the 11-point margin and the thumb-suckingly petulant concession speech. You’re a credit to your party, Dan.
Eleven points, in what may be the tightest swing state in the country. Hey, if these creeps need a few more election cycles to learn this lesson, that’s probably best for everyone involved. Kansas doesn’t exist either, Ron. You’re doin’ great, kid.
Tommy Tuberville, who can barely fucking read, is single-handedly holding up more than 180 nominations at the Department of Defense, because he feels the women serving our country in uniform have too many rights.
Republicans’re all over that women-having-rights thing. You’d never believe this was the same party that had no policy platform whatsoever last presidential election; these days they’re positively overflowing with ideas for new abortion restrictions. They’re really quite creative and industrious when they want to be.
So, Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer, and a bunch of losers threw that fit they throw when they’re confronted with a world that refuses to pander to their personal prejudices. Yeah, the one where they destroy their own property, and post videos online. I don’t get it either. “Take THAT, thing I paid for!” I’m told it’s some sort of “lib-owning” ritual in their culture. Their stupid, stupid culture.
Anyway, they’re gonna boycott. Which won’t work. Because they’re losers. With no money. That’s how this goes, every single time. Starbucks and Nike and the coolers one and wasn’t it Hershey’s just a couple weeks ago? This does jeopardize Anheuser-Busch’s planned expansion into the lucrative horse paste market, however.
I see Clarence Thomas spent decades illegally concealing the lavish vacations showered upon him by GOP megadonor Harlan Crow. Golly. Corruption at the highest levels of Republican politics? Gosh. What is the world coming to? Gosh golly gee.
Asa Hutchinson picked indictment week to launch his presidential campaign, so obviously he’s got a firm grasp of the obstacles ahead. They won’t even learn your name until he threatens your family on Truth Social, Asa.
A cackling Steve Bannon unleashed his “chaos agent,” anti-vax halfwit RFK Jr., upon the Democratic presidential primary, and I for one demand no fewer than nine debates with Marianne Williamson. Debate Number Six: What Do Cats Think About?
Ron Johnson told Maria Bartiromo that he ran for reelection to advocate for “vaccine injuries,” clearly angling for the chairmanship of the Senate Subcommittee on Problems That Do Not Fucking Exist the next time these loons seize power. Ron’ll keep those damn hobbits out of your snozzberry bushes, too.
If you’re looking for something to cheer you up in the midst of all the madness, you could do worse than Mehdi Hasan ripping Matt Taibbi’s soul out through his butthole. I’d say treat yourself, but of course Tucker Carlson ruined treat yourself.
They tried to ruin beer this week, too, but they failed, for they are shitty, and beer is pure and good. You stay safe out there, my friends, until we meet again next week.
Love your commentary on this week’s utter and complete insanity. It does my heart and soul good. Thank you for making me feel a lot better. Now I’m ready for the weekend!
I eagerly anticipate your weekly rant, uh. . .column, and you never disappoint. Thanks for easing the strain, Cap.
Thanks, Cap! Your column is a a highlight of my week!
‘ A cackling Steve Bannon unleashed his “chaos agent,” anti-vax halfwit RFK Jr., upon the Democratic presidential primary, and I for one demand no fewer than nine debates with Marianne Williamson. Debate Number Six: What Do Cats Think About?’
I would pay to watch that.
I loved this too! For so many reasons. Putting RFK Jr. on the same kook level of Marianne is hilarious, although it’s actually kind of insulting to HER. She has some interesting things to say sometimes and Jr.’s mind is stuffed full with only one thing: the horrors of vaxes, ALL of them. Plus, it’s kind of people not to say it but I guess I will rudely point out that his voice injury makes it impossible to listen to him for more than a few minutes. So how can he run for anything?
But can we move the cat debate up to earlier in the debates? My daughter and I have been discussing this question for years, and I’m dying to know what these 2 philosophers have to say about it.
I’m going to forward this week’s extraordinary example of your wtty writing to a friend, Cap. Acerbic wit and clever prose are a fading treasure.
See you next Friday and take care out there. 🍺
Free beer in San Diego, next time visiting beer city.
How come no one has NOT done the “DON…T..azz me Bro” video face replacement meme yet?
“who can barely fucking read”, “Take THAT thing I paid for”, “Mehdi Hasan ripping Matt Taibbi’s soul out through his butthole”…Gawd Cap, I dang near had coffee coming out my nose!!!
As always, I appreciate the privilege of reading your blog. Stay safe, and never give the bastards a break!
I have learned the hard way, never EVER to read Cap’s column while drinking coffee, tea, beer, or any other liquid. None of it feels great when ejected through the nose!
Thank you, Cap. Another splendid one!
Thank you for the final fillip of joy celebrating the victory of Janet Protasiewicz in Wisconsin, second woman to badly defeat pubic-haired Dan Kelly in election for state Supreme Court, with your pithy magnification of his huge loss. He showed himself as the vile pile of rancor he is and the loser he will always be.
Three cheers for the Tennessee Three!
Oh, my goodness, what a great Saturday morning read. Thanks, Cap. It has gladdened my heart and enlightened my soul. Besides, you make me laugh which is always a plus.
Sunday mornings it’s fun to watch SNL clips, but Saturdays are all about savoring your column, Cap.
Hi to other cappers. Keep the faith.
Reading you is my Saturday treat.
Thanks for another good one Cap!
“Clarence Thomas spent decades illegally concealing the lavish vacations showered upon him by GOP megadonor Harlan Crow. Golly. Corruption at the highest levels of Republican politics? Gosh. What is the world coming to?”
Fascism is coming concealed by Big Money and Hell Fire and Brimstone religion. Today’s James Bond Supervillain is Harlan Crow. He is the billionaire “George Soros” of Deplorable Republican Maggots. Harlan himself may or may not be a Nazi but he admires Adolph, and he has a World Class collection of Hitler Merch. He has successfully bought a Supreme Court that has become an Oppressor for the billionaires. Harlan pays (bribes) to the wife, Ginni Thomas, $120k a year to forment insurrection. Clarence concealed those bribes for years. And Harlan took Clarence to “Bohemian Grove” that has a 30 ft. Giant Owl for rich people to worship. It should be mentioned that Harlan has a billionaire brother Trammel Jr, who is accused of running a Sex Trafficking Ring. The billionaire father, Big Daddy Trammel financed Republican Fascism for decades as he was “America’s Largest Landlord” and could afford to pay for Fascism.
It does seem that there so many, many sex offenders in the Republican party, Harlan jr, Boebert’s husband (and Boebert has a 15 year old pregnant daughter), Rep. Jim Jordan, Rep. Matt Gaetz, of course the Pussy Grabber King of Maggots has several Court Trials for his crimes against women. Just as guilty are all Republicans who “aid and abet” the Republican Sex Traffickers. Obstructing justice is what they do best.
Correction. It is Trammel Jr who has the sex ring. Although most billionaires probably have one or two. Trammel pals around with the Duchess of York which is a whole other scandal. Trammel has “Lingerie Rooms” in his many properties. And I made a mistake about Boebert. It was her 17 year old son who is going to be the Baby Daddy of a 15 year old girl. Boebert herself was born to an 18 year old unwed mother. The alleged Baby Daddy of Lauren has been a long legal battle. And I left out Jeffrey Epstein and Coverup, and murder, in the list of MAGGOT sex scandals.