Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Obamagate and Other Shitty Fairy Tales
To fend off the boredom, I’ve purchased a small container of little green army men. I set ‘em up on a table, and I pretend they’re armed wingnuts, protesting stay-at-home orders. Then I pretend one of them has asymptomatic COVID-19, and I move him through the crowd, snickering to myself. In a week or so, I’ll start burying them, one by one, in the back yard. Yeah, I’m handling quarantine well. Anyhow, the news:
With the publicly-acknowledged coronavirus death toll blowing past 80,000 and the actual body count almost certainly much higher, the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days re-tweeting conspiracy theories from Qnatic accounts, and using his bully pulpit to advertise his shitty golf courses. Stock up on canned goods, cuz we’re gonna be sheltering in place for awhile yet, is all I’m saying.
You’ve probably noticed the Velveeta Vulgarian pimping One America News lately, as an alternative outlet for the discerning MAGAt who finds the racist propaganda blatherings of Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham insufficiently batshitty. Following their latest “exposé” linking the pandemic to a massive conspiracy involving George Soros, China, the WHO, The Who, Bill Gates, the Clintons, the Trix Rabbit, Parliament-Funkadelic, and Carmen Sandiego, there can certainly be no complaints that their audience is underserved, lunacy-wise. Lordy. I bet the cafeteria at OAN sells nothing Bigfoot meat seasoned with chemtrail dust served in a little upside-down tinfoil hat.
Hang another ornament on the All the Ways the Shart Administration Fucked Up the Coronavirus Response tree, though it already sags under its burden, for we have learned that HHS actually TURNED DOWN an offer from a private company to manufacture millions of N95 masks, the kind that might have saved the lives of some of the medical professionals who died from COVID-19 due to the lack of sufficient PPE. Just…turned down the offer. “Nope, we’ll take the senseless, preventable deaths, but thanks for callin’!”
Look out, Obamagate is here and it’s going to take the Democratic Party down…just as soon as we figure out what the fuck it is! Taking his instinct for branding over substance to new heights, the Yammerin’ Yam accidentally put the hashtag before the scandal, and couldn’t even bullshit his way through a single answer when a reporter asked him just what the fuck he was blathering on about. Sigh. He doesn’t even TRY when he gaslights us anymore. I’m worried the magic has gone out of our relationship. Still, who needs an actual crime to accuse one’s predecessor of, when you have an army of rubes of bots to gleefully spread whatever turd happens to drop out of your mouth?
Amidst a coronavirus outbreak in the most secure office building on Earth (the roach-and-fascist-infested White House), with infections spreading through the Secret Service and even high-ranking aides, including Bride of Frankenbigot Katie Miller, Team Treasonweasel has finally implemented the very safety protocols, including regular testing and contact tracing, that they insist are mere frivolities for us peasant types, incidentally why aren’t you out there Dying for the Dow* right now?
Man, If this thing doesn’t off at least ONE of these bastards, I’m gonna be seriously let down. Like, Last Season of Game of Thrones let down. I mean, gimmie Larry Kudlow at the very least, who’ll miss him?
The Carcinogenic Creamsicle is exempt from the Shart House mask requirement, of course, in light of the rapidly-congealing conventional wisdumb on the right that wearing a mask, aka “taking a simple, potentially life-saving precaution” is somehow “weak.” They even made a group of CEOs remove their masks before meeting with Mike “My Press Secretary Tested Positive” Pence. Cult45 really is sincerely convinced they can fight a culture war with a fucking virus, and we might just need to stay locked up on the sidelines until this shit plays out. Tell the beer vendor not to stray too far, I’m gonna need him.
It’s hard not to laugh at grown adults espousing this playground bully’s idea of toughness; as unimpressive as it seems to human beings, imagine how it looks from the virus’ point of view. Anyway, that all-important projection of strength gets a wee bit undermined when the doddering old twit flees in terror from a lady reporter armed with nothing save entirely reasonable questions.
Yes, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, undaunted by the stinging memory of EverybodyMainlineLysolGate, resurrected the Daily Propaganda Spew on Monday, I guess because he missed humiliating himself on live television. I think he honestly believes his feeble “mission accomplished” proclamations will fool folks, probably because Got Your Nose worked on Eric as recently as last Thanksgiving. Anyway, CBS’ Weijia Jiang called him out for his casual racism, and then he panicked and called on Kaitlan Collins from CNN and then he panicked even harder and scampered away before the cameras could pick up his visibly-swelling adult diaper. I have never seen a weaker, more pathetic man in all my days.
Redactor General William Barr’s bullshit rationale for dismissing the case against Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn has rapidly dissolved into an aerosol-thin cloud of bullshit mist, revealed as disingenuous spin, just like his shitty dirtbag “summary” of the Mueller report. Of course, since Bilgy Bill finds himself in a “history is written by the winners, come and get me, cucks!” sort of headspace these days, it’s probably safe to assume he isn’t exactly shamed by his reputation as the willing enabler of our would-be führer. I for one really really really don’t want Barr writing the history of these dark days; for starters his prose style is dreary and pedestrian, and then of course there’s the fascism.
…still, the Flynn case may not be quite dead just yet…
Mitch McConnell operates essentially the same way Bilious Billy Barr does; he’ll giddily abuse whatever power he’s given, and delight in the time you waste poking holes in the nonsensical explanations he offers in the aftermath. It’s the power that matters; the excuses are just theatre. So when he stops just short of calling Barack Obama “uppity,” or belches up lies about the previous administration leaving Team Shitstain a dog-eared lingerie catalog instead of a pandemic playbook, don’t waste your emotional energy getting mad, that’s just what he wants. Redirect your efforts into sending him home, or at the very least to the minority. Flip him over on his back and watch him flail while we undo his life’s work. Laugh last.
A big part of the Republican “strategy” for tricking the American people into returning to unsafe working conditions so that the DeVos family doesn’t need to worry about opening up one of their yachts to boarders involves hiding the truth from us, like maybe if you plant posies on the mass graves nobody will notice the tombstones. Whether it’s Ron DeSantis covering up Florida’s death toll, or his Arizona counterpart, Doug Ducey, defenestrating the scientists who kept delivering news he didn’t want to hear, or even the federal government burying its own report showing an increase in COVID-19 cases throughout the country, these clowns won’t rest until they’re passing off roadside corpse piles as a sculpture garden.
Fake Doctor Rand Paul threw a hissy fit at Actual Doctor Anthony Fauci during a Senate hearing, bellowing that he doesn’t understand why we should let a few dead children piss all over his stock portfolio, answer me that, Mr. Smartypants! Fauci reminded Paul that people’s lives actually matter, a fact that the Rand and his colleagues would like us all to forget, or at least ignore. The enduring mystery of Rand Paul is how he gets through life without being punched more.
And Jay Sekulow spent the morning begging the Supreme Court to elevate his scumfuck grifter boss permanently above the reach of the law, so I feel less guilty about many of my more questionable uses of time during quarantine, though admittedly reorganizing my underwear drawer by Most Interesting Restaurant I Ever Wore These To was perhaps a bit much.
Well, that seems to be more or less everything, so I suppose I’ll go back to my army men. Oh look, one of them has spread coronavirus to my X-Men action figures, how adorable!
*™️ Trump/Pence 2020
PS, If you’re wondering about that photo…