To fend off the boredom, I’ve purchased a small container of little green army men. I set ‘em up on a table, and I pretend they’re armed wingnuts, protesting stay-at-home orders. Then I pretend one of them has asymptomatic COVID-19, and I move him through the crowd, snickering to myself. In a week or so, I’ll start burying them, one by one, in the back yard. Yeah, I’m handling quarantine well. Anyhow, the news:

With the publicly-acknowledged coronavirus death toll blowing past 80,000 and the actual body count almost certainly much higher, the Hairplug That Ate Decency spends his days re-tweeting conspiracy theories from Qnatic accounts, and using his bully pulpit to advertise his shitty golf courses. Stock up on canned goods, cuz we’re gonna be sheltering in place for awhile yet, is all I’m saying.

You’ve probably noticed the Velveeta Vulgarian pimping One America News lately, as an alternative outlet for the discerning MAGAt who finds the racist propaganda blatherings of Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham insufficiently batshitty. Following their latest “exposé” linking the pandemic to a massive conspiracy involving George Soros, China, the WHO, The Who, Bill Gates, the Clintons, the Trix Rabbit, Parliament-Funkadelic, and Carmen Sandiego, there can certainly be no complaints that their audience is underserved, lunacy-wise. Lordy. I bet the cafeteria at OAN sells nothing Bigfoot meat seasoned with chemtrail dust served in a little upside-down tinfoil hat.

Hang another ornament on the All the Ways the Shart Administration Fucked Up the Coronavirus Response tree, though it already sags under its burden, for we have learned that HHS actually TURNED DOWN an offer from a private company to manufacture millions of N95 masks, the kind that might have saved the lives of some of the medical professionals who died from COVID-19 due to the lack of sufficient PPE. Just…turned down the offer. “Nope, we’ll take the senseless, preventable deaths, but thanks for callin’!”

Look out, Obamagate is here and it’s going to take the Democratic Party down…just as soon as we figure out what the fuck it is! Taking his instinct for branding over substance to new heights, the Yammerin’ Yam accidentally put the hashtag before the scandal, and couldn’t even bullshit his way through a single answer when a reporter asked him just what the fuck he was blathering on about. Sigh. He doesn’t even TRY when he gaslights us anymore. I’m worried the magic has gone out of our relationship. Still, who needs an actual crime to accuse one’s predecessor of, when you have an army of rubes of bots to gleefully spread whatever turd happens to drop out of your mouth?

Amidst a coronavirus outbreak in the most secure office building on Earth (the roach-and-fascist-infested White House), with infections spreading through the Secret Service and even high-ranking aides, including Bride of Frankenbigot Katie Miller, Team Treasonweasel has finally implemented the very safety protocols, including regular testing and contact tracing, that they insist are mere frivolities for us peasant types, incidentally why aren’t you out there Dying for the Dow* right now?

Man, If this thing doesn’t off at least ONE of these bastards, I’m gonna be seriously let down. Like, Last Season of Game of Thrones let down. I mean, gimmie Larry Kudlow at the very least, who’ll miss him? 

The Carcinogenic Creamsicle is exempt from the Shart House mask requirement, of course, in light of the rapidly-congealing conventional wisdumb on the right that wearing a mask, aka “taking a simple, potentially life-saving precaution” is somehow “weak.” They even made a group of CEOs remove their masks before meeting with Mike “My Press Secretary Tested Positive” Pence. Cult45 really is sincerely convinced they can fight a culture war with a fucking virus, and we might just need to stay locked up on the sidelines until this shit plays out. Tell the beer vendor not to stray too far, I’m gonna need him.

It’s hard not to laugh at grown adults espousing this playground bully’s idea of toughness; as unimpressive as it seems to human beings, imagine how it looks from the virus’ point of view. Anyway, that all-important projection of strength gets a wee bit undermined when the doddering old twit flees in terror from a lady reporter armed with nothing save entirely reasonable questions.

Yes, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, undaunted by the stinging memory of EverybodyMainlineLysolGate, resurrected the Daily Propaganda Spew on Monday, I guess because he missed humiliating himself on live television. I think he honestly believes his feeble “mission accomplished” proclamations will fool folks, probably because Got Your Nose worked on Eric as recently as last Thanksgiving. Anyway, CBS’ Weijia Jiang called him out for his casual racism, and then he panicked and called on Kaitlan Collins from CNN and then he panicked even harder and scampered away before the cameras could pick up his visibly-swelling adult diaper. I have never seen a weaker, more pathetic man in all my days.

Redactor General William Barr’s bullshit rationale for dismissing the case against Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn has rapidly dissolved into an aerosol-thin cloud of bullshit mist, revealed as disingenuous spin, just like his shitty dirtbag “summary” of the Mueller report. Of course, since Bilgy Bill finds himself in a “history is written by the winners, come and get me, cucks!” sort of headspace these days, it’s probably safe to assume he isn’t exactly shamed by his reputation as the willing enabler of our would-be führer. I for one really really really don’t want Barr writing the history of these dark days; for starters his prose style is dreary and pedestrian, and then of course there’s the fascism.

…still, the Flynn case may not be quite dead just yet…

Mitch McConnell operates essentially the same way Bilious Billy Barr does; he’ll giddily abuse whatever power he’s given, and delight in the time you waste poking holes in the nonsensical explanations he offers in the aftermath. It’s the power that matters; the excuses are just theatre. So when he stops just short of calling Barack Obama “uppity,” or belches up lies about the previous administration leaving Team Shitstain a dog-eared lingerie catalog instead of a pandemic playbook, don’t waste your emotional energy getting mad, that’s just what he wants. Redirect your efforts into sending him home, or at the very least to the minority. Flip him over on his back and watch him flail while we undo his life’s work. Laugh last.

A big part of the Republican “strategy” for tricking the American people into returning to unsafe working conditions so that the DeVos family doesn’t need to worry about opening up one of their yachts to boarders involves hiding the truth from us, like maybe if you plant posies on the mass graves nobody will notice the tombstones. Whether it’s Ron DeSantis covering up Florida’s death toll, or his Arizona counterpart, Doug Ducey, defenestrating the scientists who kept delivering news he didn’t want to hear, or even the federal government burying its own report showing an increase in COVID-19 cases throughout the country, these clowns won’t rest until they’re passing off roadside corpse piles as a sculpture garden.

Fake Doctor Rand Paul threw a hissy fit at Actual Doctor Anthony Fauci during a Senate hearing, bellowing that he doesn’t understand why we should let a few dead children piss all over his stock portfolio, answer me that, Mr. Smartypants! Fauci reminded Paul that people’s lives actually matter, a fact that the Rand and his colleagues would like us all to forget, or at least ignore. The enduring mystery of Rand Paul is how he gets through life without being punched more.

And Jay Sekulow spent the morning begging the Supreme Court to elevate his scumfuck grifter boss permanently above the reach of the law, so I feel less guilty about many of my more questionable uses of time during quarantine, though admittedly reorganizing my underwear drawer by Most Interesting Restaurant I Ever Wore These To was perhaps a bit much.

Well, that seems to be more or less everything, so I suppose I’ll go back to my army men. Oh look, one of them has spread coronavirus to my X-Men action figures, how adorable!

*™️ Trump/Pence 2020

PS, If you’re wondering about that photo…