Another week trapped inside with nothing but the news to keep me company is like being locked in a pigs-feet-pickling factory that installed heat lamps for some reason. Boy, that is one clumsy-ass metaphor, but I’m worn out by this shit. Let’s plow through the news and get to our weekends, okay?

Look, from now on, every couple of days, there’s gonna be another story about Kelly Loeffler’s laughably-open corruption, you’re just going to have to get used to that. I’m sure when the inevitable “Georgia Senator proposes bill to sell retired bomb-sniffing dogs to Loeffler Family Puppy Millz, Inc. for ten cents each” story breaks, we won’t even blink.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott isn’t your typical science-denying Republican goon! He fully understands that reopening his state’s economy will lead to a significant increase in coronavirus deaths; he’s simply decided that those deaths are a price he’s willing (to make others) pay. Yes, he’s doing this even as Texas’ COVID-19 numbers continue to grow. It’s like these jerks have gotten so used to lying their way out of every problem, they’ve lost the ability to acknowledge, let alone deal with, objective reality. “Maybe tomorrow never comes” has been a garbage strategy since day one of this shitstorm, but somehow it’s the only arrow in the Republican quiver.

Because he’s so broken he refuses to model good, safe, behavior for even ten fucking minutes, Dr. Donnie Dotard refused to wear a mask during his visit to…a mask-making plant, since nothing about this debacle is allowed to be subtle. Naturally, he couldn’t help but lie after the fact and insist he really DID wear one, but all those fake gnus reporters just didn’t see it, like he snuck away from the press, put on the mask, danced in the corner a little, just for himself, took it off, and came back smugly snickering about his big secret.

Despite pushback from those in his inner circle with a few residual functioning brain cells, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster barreled forward with his lawsuit to destroy Obamacare, because if there’s one thing millions of Americans want, it’s to lose their health insurance right in the middle of a deadly pandemic. Populism is a machine that eats people and spits out tax cuts for billionaires, it would seem.

The very same political party that’s trying to steal folks’ health care has also announced at $20 million Curb Stomp Voting Rights Wherever We Possibly Can slush fund, as their devolution from an anti-choice, anti-worker, party into an anti-human-rights, anti-life-itself, death cult continues. You…you’re registered to vote this fall, right? Why don’t you go check. Seriously. I’ll be here when you get back.

The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor installed a loyalist donor as Postmaster General, likely with instructions to order workers to pee on all the Amazon packages to spite Jeff Bezos. One more wrecking ball stooge to keep our eye on, one more American institution we’ll have to fight like hell to save for the future. Oh well, we’ve been battling these fucks for three years, we know how it’s done.

So, the CDC put together a detailed report on how to safely reopen the economy, because saving American lives is sorta the CDC’s job. Naturally, the Die Plebs Die Administration tried to hide that document where it would never be found*, because they’re still hoping to trick us expendable dopes into frolicking through the coronavirus-laced streets and dying for the Dow. Me, I’m taking the money I’m not spending on lattes and baseball games and decorative gourds, and feeding it straight into the campaigns of these murdering clowns’ Democratic replacements.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag apparently has nothing better to do in an economy that’s drawing more and more Great Depression comparisons every day than to get into a Twitter spat with one William Bruce Rose, Jr., better known as Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses, proclaiming his superior patriotism with a Liberian flag emoji, in what sources assure me is, heaven help us all, real life. This has a very Jay-Gatsby-mud-wrestling-Liberace on the deck of the Titanic feel to it, no?

A new regular feature I’m considering is the Stochastic Terrorism Roundup (brought to you by MyPillow, the official pillow of Dumb Fucks Gettin’ Radicalized on the Internet). Let’s see…armed dickbag drove his SUV through a crowd of first responders? Yeah, that’s the act of a healthy mind. Oh, and an Oklahoma woman shot up a McDonald’s because she couldn’t consume her McHorsemeat in the dining room? Well, thank God we’ve preserved her second amendment right to throw murder tantrums.

Colorado Congressthug Ken Buck got caught attempting to pressure a state-level Republican official into illegally doctoring election results. Got caught on tape. It’s him. Case closed. Can’t seem to find a single Republican anywhere willing to muster even a half-assed, “golly, this should be looked into,” though. The party-wide consensus seems to be “of course we’re cheating to win, after fucking shit up this badly for this long, we certainly can’t leave our future in the hands of VOTERS! Those’re the people we’ve been getting killed!”

A Texas salon owner became the latest Kim Davis-y martyr for the cause of Freedumb, when she was briefly jailed for defying state orders and reopening her business, endangering the lives of her employees and customers. Naturally, Neutered Blowhard Ted Cruz had to fly down for a quick haircut/photo-op, because surely when one works their way up through Princeton and Harvard Law, even clerking for the Chief Justice of the whole dang Supreme Court, one dreams of spending one’s life groveling and pandering to the angriest idiots walking the face of the earth, hoping to win the temporary favor of their vile, bloated, Turd Emperor, aka the guy who publicly insulted your wife and father. You couldn’t pay me to be Ted Cruz.

Lead Buttpimple on the Committee to Re-Elect the Crotchfungus Brad Parscale compared his operation to the “Death Star” from the popular science fiction franchise “Star Wars,” which I assume means it’s a plot device that will be revisited over and over again until it becomes stale and meaningless. Anyway Bradkins, yes, the party we’re going to throw when your little scam finally explodes into a billion shitty pieces is absolutely going to be so fucking enormous as to require copious amounts of Ewok moonshine.

America got its hopes waaaaaay up when we learned a valet near Government Cheese Goebbels tested positive for COVID-19, but alas, Littlefinger appears to be uninfected for now. But maybe this is the last tantalizing tease before the writers decide to send ‘em home happy.

But then a Mikey Hairshirt staffer tested positive as well, so this sixth-grade-boy’s-idea-of-macho refusal to wear masks has led to basically all of the highest-ranking officials of the Poosquirt Administration getting exposed, which conveniently means we’re not obligated to mourn any of these unbelievable dumbasses. (The staffer in question seems to be Katie Miller, who recently joined ghost-of-an-Andersonville-prison-doctor Stephen Miller in unholy matrimony, and I’m certainly too dignified to make any comments about karma.) Anyway, there’s an outbreak in the most secure building on Earth now, but by all means let’s fill up the restaurants and stadiums and meat-packing plants.

In an effort to make Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s abuse of pardon power seem like the rule-of-law-shredding equivalent shoplifting a roll of Life Savers, Redactor General William Barr dropped the case against treasonous shitmaggot/former National Security Advisor Mike “the Turkish Delight.” Flynn. Yes, the case where Flynn pleaded guilty. Twice. This crooked cabal is claiming for itself the power to commit large, sinister, Straight Outta Frankenheimer federal crimes, without consequences.

Shit, y’all, this one is fucking BAD, even by current standards, a real contender for the eventual All Time Top Ten Anti-Democratic Outrages of the Turd Reich. But don’t let the bastards grind you down, friends…lord knows they’re trying to. We could certainly use a Jack Ryan or a James Bond or a Captain America to save us from these wannabe autocrats, but all we’ve got is us, and a rapidly-approaching election. It was enough in 2018, and it’ll be enough again this November. Tick tock, you buttsniffing weasels.

Hey, raise your hand if some otherwise-respected denizen of your social media feed shared that goddamn “plandemic” video this week. Yeah, these are dangerous times, with everyone trapped inside, wandering the world wide web for seemingly endless hours, and sadly, the rabbit holes and fever swamps aren’t usually marked with clear signage. Not to go all Smokey the Bear on you, but only YOU can prevent friends and family from descending into conspiracy-theory-spewing madness. Push back on that shit.

Well, the unemployment rate hit a who’s-ready-to-meet-the-21st-century-version-of-John-Steinbeck-esque 14.7%, and suddenly the Velveeta Vulgarian’s “Who better to fix the economy than the drooling nitwit who smashed it to bits with a sledgehammer?” re-election pitch seems like a loser to me, but then, I rarely hang out in Appalachian diners, so what do I know?

Shart Garfunkel told Fux n’ Fiendz he “learned a lot from Richard Nixon,” and America wept to discover that it’s only Tricky Dick that’s managed to penetrate that lump of rotten nougat Trump calls his skull, and not Dr. Fauci, or any of the other qualified professionals trying save America from his delusional bumbling. Economics, epidemiology, basic human decency, all beyond him…but summa cum laude from the Nixon School for the Corrupt and Malicious. Awesome.

In super-comforting news today, the President of the United States, the fellow tasked with steering the ship of state through these tumultuous waters, does not seem to understand how one can not have a disease on one day, and then have it the next. That’s the level of abstract thinking that completely derails him. Holy fuck. Anyway, maybe when this guy confidently proclaims that all our problems will just go away on their own, we should maintain a wee bit of skepticism.

Woooooo…this week kinda got to me, friends. I think I’m gonna tune out for the weekend, wring my brain out, detox for a bit.  Stay safe out there, Resisters, I’ll see y’all soon…

*Underneath the President’s Daily Brief, right on Hairplug Himmler’s desk.