- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Obviously Super-Healthy When Your Party Tells You “There Are More Important Things Than Living”
So, on a scale of 1 to The Shining, how’re you handling your quarantine? I’m holding up reasonably well at the moment, but let’s just say I’m glad there are no axes in the house. All blog and no beer makes Cap a dull boy indeed. Anyhoo, let’s do the news, yeah?
Small astroturfed mobs of feral nitwits, egged on by the wealthiest yammering heads in the right-wing jagoffosphere, continued their over-publicized tantrum-throwing, whining about haircuts and free refills, because the only remaining conservative values are selfishness and self-pity. To Shart House economic advisor Stephen Moore, this flock of easily-manipulated rubes is basically a whole army of Rosa Parks, because he understands civil rights about as well as he does economics.
Somehow, defying the very laws of time and space, Tea Party 2.0 is even dumber than the original, having taken the plunge into full-on death cultism. “Fire Fauci” chants popped up at one protest because, as everyone knows, bad news magically disappears when you shoot the messenger. My only regret is that my commitment to social distancing will keep me from laughing my way through these assclowns’ funerals in person.
Y’know, if we make it through this shitshow, come summer 2022, movie theatres will be overflowing with action-thrillers portraying America’s governors-turned-smugglers, developing and executing intricate schemes to evade the Turdmaggot Administration’s seizure operations to deliver lifesaving PPE to their state’s hospitals. Can’t you see it now? Sylvester Stallone is…LARRY HOGAN.
President Sphinctermouth, in one of his more unhinged moments at the Daily Propaganda Spew, sneeringly referred to the FBI investigators who built the cases against his buddies, Pernicious Paul Manafort and Wretched Roger Stone, as “human scum,” owing to his sincere religious belief that felonies committed by rich white dudes shouldn’t count. Now, the GOP has abandoned any number of long-held “principles” for their new Turd Emperor, but watching their evolution from “tough on crime” to “tough on law enforcement” has been…somethin’. At the RNC, they’re gonna adopt a platform that’s just a paperback copy of The Turner Diaries with a Post-it note reading “All this, plus lower taxes on the wealthy.”
Another feature of the DPS is, of course, the sad, lazy, gaslighting. “Hey, we don’t have enough testing,” cry the nation’s governors. “Yes you do,” bellows President Crotchrot, attempting the shittiest Jedi mind trick ever. Helping the American people during a time of crisis, he insists, is the states’ responsibility, not his, begging the question JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING JOB IS, YOU BLOATED CRETIN?
Large companies, including hotel and restaurant chains, have been sucking up stimulus loans intended for small businesses, because in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, the law of Survival of the Corruptest reigns! Shit, even the Roman God of Medicare Fraud, aka Florida Senator Rick Scott is like, “C’mon you guys, we gotta ease our boots off the serfs’ necks a little bit, we still need ‘em to like, mow our lawns and buy stuff, y’know.”
I briefly toyed with the idea of rebranding my humble beer jar as the Make Cap an Oil Baron Fund, as oil prices plunged past zero and well into negative territory, just the latest extremely normal thing going down in these extremely normal times. Dunno ‘bout y’all, but I for one am really looking forward to bailing out yet another industry that will spend the rest of my lifetime overcharging me as much as it can possibly get away with.
Shiny New Designated Liar, er, “Press Secretary” Kayleigh McEnany threw an amusing little shitfit over a journalist showing insufficient deference to President Fungal Growth Inside a Clown’s Shoe, because there’s no better time and place to demand respect than from atop a mountain of corpses built by your own laziness and neglect. Gonna pass on bending that knee, Kayleigh, but I can see you’re gonna fit in just fine.
We learned that Mike Bloomberg blew more than a billion dollars on his hilariously inept presidential campaign. Mike. Bro. I just wanna let you know, I get what this thing was all about for you, and anytime you need someone to strap on some dominatrix gear topped off with an Elizabeth Warren mask and spank the crap out of you, I am available for the comparatively economical rate of $25 million per hour.
Brian Kemp, clearly jealous of states with larger outbreaks, (Mass Grave Envy is totally a thing, in Republican circles at least) decided to throw COVID-19 a big ol’ Welcome to Georgia party, reopening parts of the state’s economy on the gamble that the infectious disease experts are idiots, while the mulleted creeps waving confederate flags have had it right all along. Hey, it wasn’t so long ago when Kemp demonstrated his utter disdain for his constituents’ voting rights, so it shouldn’t really surprise anyone to learn he doesn’t value their lives.
Panicking as even the most thoroughly washed brains in Cult45 begin to wake up to the reality of tens of thousands of preventable deaths and an economy in tatters, Tangerine Idi Amin took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to reassure his faltering base that while he may be dangerously incompetent, he’s still hellaciously racist. “I’m…I’m gonna ban ALL immigration” he stammered, betting his reelection on the hope that there’ll be enough angry white people in the Rust Belt for whom “unwillingness to share the coming post-apocalyptic wasteland with brown-skinned folks” is a motivating issue.
Hey, remember hydroxychloroquine? The miracle get-out-of-a-pandemic-free drug Strawberry Shartcake and his craven enablers at Fux Nooz promised would deliver us all from COVID-19 based on Dotard’s First Law of We Really Really Want it To? Well, it turns out it doesn’t do shit, and in fact, in a recent study, the patients who got the stuff died at a higher rate than those who didn’t. Wow. A rare miss from the very stable genius pulling stuff out of his ass. Gosh, Trump University may just have to revoke his immunology doctorate now.
The Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report confirming that yuh huh, Russia sure did interfere in the 2016 election, a casual reminder that the blithering slug who’s gotten so many Americans killed was, oh yeah, installed by a hostile foreign power for the express purpose of fucking our shit up. Y’know, Vlad Putin may be a murderous, dissent-crushing, autocrat, but you’ve got to hand it to him, he’s one helluva bargain hunter. Maybe I’ll ask him to go antiquing some day when we can all leave our homes again.
And now Redactor General Billy Barr is threatening to sue individual states if he deems their stay-at-home orders to have gone “too far.” Well, we’re all trapped inside an Ayn Rand NyQuil dream now, motherfuckers, with the federal government trying to force the citizenry into the wood chipper even if they had the good sense to elect Democrats locally instead of the so-pro-corporate-as-to-be-anti-human alternative. Hey, this seems like a good spot to mention Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, who tells us “there are more important things than living” and he’ll get back to you about what those things are, just as soon as he checks in with his donors.
Anyhow, I’m gonna make the most of my time before they institute a draft to force us all to serve in the Amazon warehouses, where I’ll likely die packaging up boxed wine to ship to Judge Jeanine. Stay safe out there, and I’ll see y’all soon.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Prez Sphinctermouth is totally your best!
“Hey, remember hydroxychloroquine?”
I am concluding from your analysis that this is SHOCK DOCTRINE on Meth and HCQ!
Cruella Deville DeVoss,and her brother, Assassin Erik Prince, organized a few dozen Teabaggers to block ambulances at hospitals. It becomes an erupting national movement as verified by highly paid sycophants such as Chuck Todd. Todd worships and can only praise the Teabaggers and their TeaBagger-in-Chief. Of course Chuckie has lied along with the other Plague Pimps because that is their job-catapulting corporate propaganda.
Prince and his company Blackwater organized wars and assassinations for the Bushies. He has continued his murder business for the Billionaires. He also sets up “Back Channels” for his Boss, Vlad Putin. That might be considered treason. But it is OK if you are a Maggot/Republican. Looks as if Erik and Cruella are organizing a Maggot Army to Make America Fascist Again.
The multi-millionaire Corporate Tee Vee Liars have aided and abetted COVID-19. They continue to help Cruella, and Vladmir, and Moscow Mitch, and Rush Limbaugh, and Dittoheads, and Flat-Earthers, and Drs. Phil and OZ, and Miss Lindsey, and Diamond and Silk, as they try to destroy public health care during a world-wide epidemic. And kill us all after they steal our money.
OMG and WTF and Now A Warning! CNN’s Jake Tapper agrees with me! I must have been transported to Bizarro World.
“Practically every day I see a tweet or blog post about someone who wrongly thought COVID-19 was a hoax dying of COVID-19 and all I can think about are the members of the media and politicians who mis-informed that person and who assuredly feel zero responsibility.”
By the way, Free Reality Winner.
I think you have a typo up there: McEnema or McInanity (easier to say, too).
Good show today, thanks as always. I’d buy buy you a beer but my cc co. does not like your app. Didn’t there used to be an alternate?
Thanks, Cap. Enjoyed smiling for a change.
A gleam of light in an otherwise drab and depressing week shone forth from recent presidential pressers when not one but TWO uppity, lippy women sassed the bloviating gasbag with Questions He’d Rather Not Discuss, causing him to turn a concerning shade of needs-his-binky red and spew witty comebacks like: “If I wasn’t elected maybe the world would be over,” “Nice and easy; just relax” to a well-spoken female CBS reporter who failed to be sufficiently deferential.
And “Why don’t you people act in a little more positive… lemme tell you something: be nice. Don’t be threatening,” to a black female reporter from PBS.
After Trump cut her off, one reporter handed the mike back to her so she could finish her question, indicating men are also getting into the Great Game of Tantrum-Encouraging! Of course, he was properly chastised within the next minute:
“It’s fake news. That’s why nobody’s watching CNN. Your ratings are no good.” All in that wheezing whine he’s perfected that has the warm approachability of fingernails on a chalkboard.
The press is showing us the difference between respectful and awe-struck, and their respect has a razor edge on it, something that brings great joy to my heart – although not the way Cap’s columns do!
Dan Patrick is a former radio talk show host who got elected by Bible thumping. I just wish he’d walk the walk and risk his life for the economy. Maybe he should be visiting nursing homes to comfort the afflicted with big, frequent hugs. OTOH, I like older people.
If Rtump and the Maggot critters who follow him think it’s just fine to open up the country again, maybe he should should have huge rallies again. Thanks Cap, for keeping us laughing.
I like how you are able to encapsulate the madness coming in from all directions. Your journals make me feel not so alone with the intense gouge-my-eyballs-out irritation. Less than 200 days to vote…but, I anticipate manipulation on that front, too.
My wife was laughing so fitfully I had to investigate. All I see on her computer is a Captain America shower cap and reference to “tangerine Idi Amin”. All I needed to subscribe.
thanks for ‘plaining the “normal” things of the current “normal times”
gotta do some catch up on previous postings others have forgotten.
sending out links to your blog site
Oh no, not more breaking news. No one knew Dr. Rick Bright has been leading the Jihad against HCQ. GruppenFuhrer Barr has publicly warned against being nasty to HCQ and joining Holy Wars against BigPharma. So Dr. Bright will never lead a Jihad against Novartis again. He has been terminated with some prejudice as director of the Biomedical Advanced Research and Development Authority. They previously made vaccines before Putin’s thugs infiltrated and sabotaged our Federal Health System.
Dr. Bright says “Specifically, and contrary to misguided directives, I limited the broad use of chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine, promoted by the administration as a panacea, but which clearly lack scientific merit,”
The Plot thickens, Incompetence or riding like a Cowboy who is taking HCQ.
I took hydroxychloroquine for several years for rheumatoid arthritis. One of its many side effects is retinal scarring which will do irreversible damage and you can go blind.
BLIND. Was that ever mentioned by doctors who discouraged using it I heard none.