Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Somebody Please LIBERATE AMERICA From This Corona-Spreading Clown
I ran out of beer so I had to put on pants for a little while today, but otherwise my devolution into a non-civilized primate is coming along quite nicely, thank you. I figure I’ll keep blogging as long as I still have opposable thumbs, so here’s the news:
No sooner had I clicked the little “publish” button on Tuesday’s post than news broke of Donnie Two-Scoops delaying folks’ stimulus checks in order to have his creepy little name printed on ‘em. Of course, this endangers every single check, as God is likely to burn that shit off like a swastika on a crate in an Indiana Jones flick.
Whipped into a frenzy by fascist propagandists like Laura Ingraham and various InfoWars shitstains, a feral pack of rabid assclowns, the finest wad of mouth-breathing astroturfed dumbfuckery the DeVos family fortune could buy, descended on Lansing to protest Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s dastardly attempt to save their lives, raising intriguing ethical questions such as “Is it even desirable to protect those who are so selfish and stupid as to willingly expose themselves to highly contagious diseases,” and “When these morons get sick in a week or so, do we absolutely have to let them into our hospitals?”
Similar protests have now popped up in Ohio, Wisconsin, and probably elsewhere, I don’t actually give a fuck. Because three weeks of doing jigsaw puzzles and binging Better Call Saul to save hundreds of thousands of lives is TYRANNY, apparently. Tea Party/MAGA politics has never been anything but the shittiest white people imaginable operating on the belief that they have a constitutional right to never be inconvenienced by anything.
In an administration filled with gaslighting liars, Kellyanne Conway stands out for the sheer laziness of her half-assed bullshittery. Like, remember the Bowling Green Massacre? Shit, Kellyanne, your boss tells six lies bigger than that to the leprechaun on his cereal box at breakfast. This “Why didn’t WHO deal with the first 18 COVIDs” crap makes the whole team look like they’re not committed to providing truly elite Orwellian misinformation. Put some pride into your work, woman! Anyway, who could forget COVID-2: Electric Boogaloo? COVID-4: Coronavirus in Space? I particularly enjoyed COVID-7 and the Deathly Hallows.
While all us serfs have been sheltering in place, lamenting the parties and concerts and trips we’ve cancelled in order to, y’know, save our fellow Americans’ lives, Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar snuck away for a little Passover vacation at Bedminster, because rules are for peasants. Reached for comment, Her Princessness beamed, “Daddy says we’re allowed in the Smithsonian and we can play with whatever we want but we can only take one thing home!”
We learned that former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder knew about the Flint water crisis well over a year before he claimed to have in sworn testimony to Congress, wow, and he seemed like such an honest fellow. With all this talk of insufficient supplies of PPE and ventilators, I really hope someone is keeping an eye on the NGS, or “National Gallows Stockpile,” because demand is about to skyrocket.
So, Tangerine Idi Amin went on the magical talking television box to rattle off a bunch of random industry leaders’ names, proclaiming them the Council to Pull My Ass Out of the Fire I Started, without even asking many of them first, because who cares about manners when you’re already getting tens of thousands of folks killed, right? Anyway, expect him to keep on convening new task forces until he finally finds one willing to tell him he’s doing great, the virus will go away on its own, go ahead and fire up that economy, Bucko! Heaven help us all.
Drs. Oz and Phil are absolutely flaunting their status as shameless quacks with dangerously large followings, relishing their ability to broadcast stupid, life-endangering shit from powerful platforms while all those dumb chump REAL doctors risk their lives in emergency rooms without sufficient PPE, the suckers. Oz says it’s time to open schools back up, since the ensuing avalanche of corpses probably won’t obstruct his driveway; he lives in a nice neighborhood, you see. Meanwhile Phil is belching up that tired old garbage comparing the outbreak to smoking and automotive deaths, which reminds me of that time I caught a car crash from a asymptomatic car crash carrier OH WAIT THAT NEVER HAPPENED DID IT, PHIL? Anyhoo, if you’re listening to these loons instead of actual experts, the science is inconclusive at this point, but it’s very possible that you deserve to catch COVID-19 and die.
Seems the Turdmaggot Administration awarded a $55 million contract to manufacture N95 masks to a bankrupt company with no mask-making experience, which is actually only their second-biggest obstacle, as they also have…no employees. Normally I’d complain about the appalling lack of oversight here, but I’m too busy working up my pitch for magic Corona-B-Gone pills, which will just be Flintstones vitamins in Ziplock baggies; I plan on offering them to Wilbur Ross for twenty million, but I’ll let him negotiate me down to twelve.
Hairplug Himmler appointed a completely unqualified, conspiracy-theory-spewing, sycophantic, hack to an important government post, and right now I’m wondering how much time I’d have saved over these past three years if I’d set up a hotkey to paste “Hairplug Himmler appointed a completely unqualified, conspiracy-theory-spewing, sycophantic hack to an important government post” into these blogs whenever I needed to, which is basically weekly. In this case, I’m taking about Michael Caputo, an old Mueller investigation witness and genuinely skeevy little freak, whose new gig seems to mostly involve keeping HHS Secretary Alex Azar from telling the American people too much truth about all the various ways their government is getting them killed. Really looking forward to paying this jagoff’s salary.
The Manchurian Manchild’s latest tantrum is a threat to shut down Congress so he can continue filling the government with spittle-drenched blockheads. Personally, I think he really just wants to sneak into the Senate chamber and rub his butt all over Chuck Schumer’s desk when nobody’s looking. Or maybe just leave a tack on Mitt Romney’s chair, in case Willard isn’t sufficiently chastised by the snub of being the only Republican Senator excluded from the latest Task Force to Accomplish Precisely Fuckall.
Surely no one better personifies the populism of the MAGA movement than Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag, who says all the filthy takers should be thankful for their $1,200 stimulus checks, which should sustain them for 10 weeks, so long as they don’t splurge on unnecessary luxuries like “shelter,” “clothing” or “ketchup to flavor their nightly bowl of dirt.” Meanwhile $1,200 wouldn’t even cover his odious wife’s weekly Goop vagina candle budget.
So, it seems that in early March, as the coronavirus was spreading unimpeded throughout the United States, the Adderall-Addled Assclown figured he had so much free time he’d start his very own radio show! This is on top of the golf, and the rallies, and the live-tweeting cable news for hours. A radio show. Two hours. Every day. Cuz he’s got nuthin’ better t’do. Not ramping up production of PPE. Not hiring back the pandemic experts he purged. Golfing and fantasizing about a radio show.
He abandoned the plan because “he did not want to compete with Rush Limbaugh.” Y’know, it’d be cool to have a President who cares as much about OUR FUCKING LIVES as he does Limbaugh’s ratings. We gotta remember to ask Joe Biden where he comes down on this crucial issue.
There’s a lot going on these days, but you were probably worried about the low mercury content of the air in the shitstorm pummeling you from all angles, right? Well worry no more, because the Die Plebs Die Administration just scored another massive win for liberty, in this particular case the liberty of coal plants to poison you! America’s gonna be great again any minute now, I can feel it!
Continuing Operation: Get Away With Whatever We Fucking Can While the News Focuses on the Pandemic, the Shart Administration gave a no-bid, well-above-market contract to some big Republican donors, because obviously the best conceivable use for half a billion dollars right now is 17 more miles of the Big Dumb Wall That Gets Sawed Through Eighteen Times Per Month So I Guess It Doesn’t Even Fucking Work.
And the Dopey Dotard With Diminutive Digits somehow manages to keep on finding new ways to fuck shit up. It’s amazing. Like, it never occurs to him to actually DO anything to fix any of the problems we’re facing. “Oh, we can’t reopen the country until there’s widespread testing? Golly, I guess that means I should get to work procuring the millions and millions of tests we’ll need!” Nope, he skips straight to buck-passing and blame-throwing. “WHY AREN’T THE STUPID LAZY GOVERNORS DOING MY JOB FOR ME?!?” he shrieks, perched atop an almost impossibly full diaper.
So now he’s bellowing, LIBERATE MICHIGAN! LIBERATE MINNESOTA! LIBERATE NARNIA probably, encouraging further anti-distancing protests, because his grasp of electoral politics is so keen he wants his most fervent supporters to engage in the very behaviors that are most likely to kill them. Maybe he can resume his rallies inside active volcanos, or perhaps even the void of space.
Hey, you remember that list of states with Republican governors who refused to issue stay-at-home orders, because they figured the virus would respect their superior commitment to freedumb? Well it happens, coincidentally I’m sure, to match a list of states that’re suddenly seeing massive spikes in their number of coronavirus cases! Golly, I wonder how that happened. It’s destined to be one of humanity’s great unsolved mysteries, I’m sure.
Ron DeSantis, unhappy with his state’s already-horrifying COVID-19 numbers, allowed Florida’s beaches to reopen, because he is a stupid, stupid, stupid man. Florida, I don’t know what to tell ya. He looked this dumb on the campaign trail, so you don’t get to act all surprised.
Now we learn that the small business loans from the coronavirus stimulus bill have been going to big corporations and red states, because you can’t take your eyes off Republicans for one fucking minute, can you? I once asked Marco Rubio to catsit while I was out of town; when I got back, he’d given my record collection to the Koch brothers, who I’m told don’t even like Meat Loaf. They just can’t help themselves.
…but hopefully we’ll get at least more weekend before they kill us all. I wouldn’t want the beer to go to waste. If we’re still here, I’ll see y’all next week. Stay safe!