Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Of Pudding, Putin, and (Horse) Paste
Before we get started, I’d like to take a moment to congratulate everyone on successfully navigating another week without poisoning yourself to death with livestock dewormer. Poisoning yourself to death with livestock dewormer is something that can happen to anyone, anytime, and while it’s never tragic, it’s always really, really fucking funny.
This blog is dedicated to the memory of Danny Lemoi, who refused to allow those fancypants “doctors” to dictate what is and isn’t human medicine. Danny loved him some horse paste, ingesting “a daily dose of veterinary ivermectin” for a decade, before shockingly dying from the extensively documented side effects of overdosing on ivermectin.
Equally baffling are the ivermectin overdose symptoms reported by Lemoi’s Telegram channel audience, who tuned in to hear Danny talk about what a good idea it is for people to swallow large quantities of a chemical designed to kill parasites inside cows, until his untimely death from, again, ivermectin poisoning.
You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that “Lemoi also formulated an ivermectin regimen for children, and numerous members of the group reported that they were using it.” I don’t want to step on anybody’s toes here, but maybe the real groomers are the ones grooming their own kids to be cattle.
‘Course, you flip on Fox, and there’s Maria Bartiromo, slinging all the old lies about ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine, receiving no pushback whatsoever from her conversation partner, a United States Senator who has been known to self-identify as a medical doctor.
Yeah, people still watch Fox. In fact, only 9 percent of Fox viewers said they’re watching the network less than they used to, now that they’ve learned they’re viewed by Fox executives as not only incestuous terrorists, “but especially dumb ones.” (It must be said, these private communications hew closer to the truth than most of the on-air content.)
It’s still snug n’ cozy in the right-wing media bubble, where Silicon Valley Bank somehow failed because of “wokeness.” I knew it had to be wokeness, drag queens, or Hunter Biden’s laptop. Good thing we’ve got Fox to tell us who to hate whenever anything happens.
Also, I’m told “Tucker Carlson’s Capitol videos are giving Jan. 6 defendants false hope.” How delightful. A charming justice niblet. A petit four. Terrorists should be made to feel crushing disappointment whenever possible, don’t you think?
Speaking of fake news, seems Ted Cruz’s publisher photoshopped his mullet right off his new book’s cover. It’s a sin to lie about a mullet, Jesus was extraordinarily clear about this. Anyway, the shittiest of all possible beards remains front and center for the whole world to see, so what they’re hoping to accomplish is anybody’s guess.
Between the atrocity of last week’s Kari Lake/Steve Bannon/“stud muffin” story, and the revelation that Ron DeSantis eats pudding with his fingers, this blog is in serious danger of veering into body horror. It tracks, though. Not difficult to picture him flipping through grade school textbooks that’ve deleted all references to race from the story of Rosa Parks, absentmindedly sucking the last traces of butterscotch from beneath each nail in turn, nodding, smiling.
Ron sure loves punching down with them puddin’-crusted mitts. Now he’s stripping a Miami hotel of its liquor license for hosting a drag show, because in Florida, your speech rights are limited by the prejudices of the resentment cult the governor spends his days pandering to.
DeSantis also went on a known liar’s television program to spout some cringe-level Kremlin propaganda, in what may have been an attempt to demonstrate “foreign policy chops,” in which case…yikes. Even the Wall Street Journal editorial board joined the dogpile, and DeSantis is already sliding in the polls, amidst increasing voter awareness that Ron DeSantis is just dumb, mean, and less interesting than the dumb, mean guy they’ve already got.
Still, Ron wanted Putin to understand that if he ever found himself on the lam from the International Criminal Court on war crimes charges, he’d always have a spot on the fold out in the basement. “And hey, no pressure, but if you happened to feel like interfering in another American election…I dunno, might be a fun distraction from micromanaging that legacy-annihilating war of aggression you’re losing.”
Hide the women and children, a slap fight finally broke out on the long-dormant Trump/Pence front! Mikey says Donnie isn’t a real Christian and Donnie says Mikey caused the Capitol Riot by not giving the terrorist mob what it wanted and of course everyone’s still touchy about the lynching thing.
In addition to his Christianness-evaluating duties, Pence offered some thoughts on Pete Buttigieg’s masculinity. They were, of course, shitty, homophobic thoughts, which would probably do him some good in the Republican primary, if only he weren’t, you know, MAGA Judas.
Have you heard about “Letters to Trump?” As narcissistic shitfits go, this one’s an all-timer: the Dotard is publishing a whole-ass book of letters he received from famous people over the years, in the context of LOOKIT EVERYBODY WHO KISSED MY ASS ARE YOU IMPRESSED YET DAD SEE DAD I’M NOT A LOSER LOOKIT MY LETTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRS, which is the sort of thing healthy, confident people do all the time.
Unwilling to get out-weirdoed by their feral Michigan brethren, Colorado Republicans elected as their Chair some dork who once “sued the Colorado secretary of state..after she denied his request to appear as “Dave ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ Williams” on the ballot in the Republican primary.” Well, you won’t have to worry about getting tired of winning.
Oh, also, “a conservative commentator who sexually harassed AOC is suing her for blocking him on Twitter,” in case you were wondering who the coolest man alive is.
Nothing delights fans of conservative ghoulishness quite like a debate about school lunches. Minnesota State Senator Steve Drazkowski thinks hunger is a myth concocted by the lying liberal media to frighten young job creators. Advocates point out that “hungry kids can’t learn,” which actually dovetails rather nicely with Republican education policy, when you think about it.
Ben Shapiro says “school lunches are not going to solve the problem of child hunger at any serious level,” and I don’t know what conclusion you can draw from a statement like that beyond “this man does not understand how food works.” Of course, human biology has always been a bit of a blind spot for Ben…
Another one of Steve Bannon’s associates got arrested, and I guess it’s hard to detect the pattern of corruption/fraud/deceit when you’re distracted by the swelling of your ivermectin-saturated heart. How many GoFundMe scams do y’all need before you realize you’re not so much a political movement as every con man’s wettest dream made reality?
The Bannon bud in question here is Guo Wengui, and alas, we don’t get to move on from him just yet. Guo is a man of many schemes, including one to transform flailing wingnut social media platform Gettr into a sperm exchange for folks who believe Covid vaccines cause mass sterility. I was a lot happier before I was introduced to the concept of anti-vax spooj markets, but that’s life on the MAGA beat, I suppose.
Ew. Sorry. Yeah, it’s been an unusually…organic one tonight, and I think we all deserve some more pleasant/less viscous news to launch us into the weekend. Fortunately, it seems one of Off-Brand Orbán’s idiot lawyers has been ordered to give further testimony to the grand jury investigating the stolen classified docs thing, having triggered the crime-fraud exemption to attorney-client privilege.
Oh, and I guess law enforcement agencies have begun preparations for the potential indictment of a certain cognitive test passer, possibly as soon as next week.
Oh my. That is quite a teaser. Well, I will be tuning in.
Golly, we might have somethin’ to talk about next time. I better stock the beer fridge, just in case. Until then, you stay safe out there. Don’t take any wooden nickels, or any veterinary ivermectin, for that matter. Buy a whole bunch of semen from some unvaccinated dude, though, that’s just good sense.