Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The Capitol Riot Was Actually Mostly Hugs, Tucker Carlson Told Me So
Y’know, I don’t mind struggling over the soul of the nation, but I confess I’m beginning to resent the quality of the opposition. It feels like I’ve been trapped in a checkout line, between a shrieking toddler and a lady with an inch-thick stack of expired coupons, for like, a thousand years.
Well, thanks to Tucker Carlson’s intrepid investigative journalism, America finally understands the truth the lying lamestream media has attempted to hide for years: the so-called “Capitol Riot” was, in actuality, simply a matter of a single, eccentrically dressed young man trying to deliver a basket of homemade muffins to Nancy Pelosi. And if some random apostate Vice President happened to get lynched in the process, well, such things have been known to happen, in the hazardous world of muffin conveyance.
Forgive my rudeness, Fox Nation, but I gotta ask: how in the name of Four Seasons Total Landscaping are you dopes still falling for this? Do these television personalities you trust so blindly have to shit directly down your throat for you to recognize how deeply they disdain you?
Tucker not only lies to you, he hates your precious Trump, hates him passionately, which is altogether reasonable of him if you ask me, though I certainly respect your right, as a rube and a cultist, to feel differently.
The next wave of releases from the Dominion lawsuit’ll be a group text chain where Fox hosts work through a list of Trump donors, painstakingly insulting each one by name. “Doug Blanton from Dodge City, Kansas smells like a warthog fart,” snickers Laura Ingraham. “That’s nothing,” responds Hannity, “Edith McGillicutty of Dubuque wears piss-stained sweatpants to Walmart!” Lachlan Murdoch chimes in from time to time with all the standard approval-expressing emojis, your thumbs ups and your crying laughing faces.
It’s all going precisely according to House Speaker Elmer Fudd’s master plan. McCarthy’s tenure to date has been pure Fudd: just a mean, stupid dude stepping on rake after rake after rake. How Kevin ever arrived at the conclusion that his party would benefit politically from reminding the electorate of that time a mob of disgruntled Republicans injured 140 police officers is a matter best left to leadership scholars, surely.
But to proceed, in exclusive(!) partnership with the lying, racist weirdo at the center of the biggest media scandal in living memory? I think the American public deserves to know exactly how many quarters McCarthy has shoved up his nose since becoming Speaker. Release the cranial x-ray, Kevin.
We’re talking about a network that used an email written by a “cactus artist” who believes she was “internally decapitated” and is thus possibly a “ghost” to justify telling their viewers the 2020 election was stolen. Let me again stress that the ramblings of an allegedly apparitional cactus artist are at the very root of the big, dumb lie that’s driven so many idiots violently insane.
In their defense, Fox felt they had no choice but to present the random musings of this Caravaggio of Cactoideae as evidence of unprecedented, nationwide corruption, because they were worried about losing market share to rival propagandists. Yeah, I’m starting to think maybe American democracy should see a doctor about that lingering cough.
See, Kevin and Tucker think they can force the rest of us to live in their bubble, and…fuck you. No. It sucks in your bubble. It smells like crusty MyPillows and failure in there.
I’ll will admit I’m enjoying this one new show they’ve got. Every week or so, Jim Jordan has some new fake thing he believes, just wild, dippy nonsense, and he holds a “hearing” where Democrats mercilessly expose him as a fool and a fraud. For hours. It’s called the Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government, I think. It’s a lot funnier than it sounds.
And now Marjorie Taylor Greene and James Comer are putting together a lil’ wingnut field trip to visit some Capitol rioters in jail, paint ‘em as “political prisoners” or some shit. That’s gonna go so well for you guys. I only ask that you take extra care to draw attention to your party affiliation, as you side publicly with the loser terrorists whose violent crimes are documented from multiple angles.
I see Trump “attorney” Jenna Ellis also got swept up in the “confessing to lying about election fraud” craze that’s taking MAGA nation by storm. Or maybe that was a deep state lizard person posing as Jenna Ellis. Whatever you need to believe to get through your day.
Last week, I said I didn’t have the strength for CPAC, and now that it’s done…can you blame me? CPAC is always gross, but now that it’s turned into the saddest possible version of itself, amidst the electoral setbacks and groping allegations and what have you, it’s just hard to look it. Almost robs you of any schadenfreude.
Like, Kari Lake referred to Steve Bannon as a “stud muffin” and I don’t think it’s fair that I know that. And now you’re mad at me for telling you, but fuck you, the world must share my pain. You couldn’t stop yourself, could you, it’s like “don’t think about elephants,” you scream at your brain not to conjure the image, that tangle of ginsweat-soaked shirt layers writhing obscenely in soft lighting…y’know what? Let’s talk about something else.
Like Michael Knowles, and his call to eradicate “transgenderism.” The way right wing culture has coalesced around brazen, unapologetic anti-trans hate over the last year or so is one of the scariest, ugliest things I’ve ever seen. I honestly have no idea how to write about it here.
Of course the main event was the Dotard himself, with the REO-Speedwagon-on-the-state-fair-circuit version of the American carnage speech, and if there’s any substantial difference between a game show host who thinks exercise is bad for you claiming Joe Biden hid his border wall, and a supposedly spectral cactus decorator saying the wind told her the 2020 election was stolen, I can’t identify it.
He’s still hacking up the same feeble lies about crowd size, by the way, which only happens in the coolest cults. “I am your retribution,” he pledged to the handful of assembled dead-enders. Fuck you, you don’t deserve retribution. Nobody wronged you, you’re just losers.
Excellent timing on that pledge to stay in the presidential race if you’re indicted, though. Teed that one up rather elegantly, I’d say.
I don’t wanna write about CPAC anymore. I wanna write about the Lieutenant Governor of the great state of Tennessee. His name is Randy McNally, which is fucking amazing, and he is having himself a week, y’all. One of the damndest things I’ve ever seen. Zounds.
Larry Hogan broke a lotta hearts this week, announcing he will not seek the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, which should allow Chris Sununu sufficient time to develop elaborate, individualized courtship rituals for all sixty-two voters in the GOP’s “normal lane.”
The real action remains in the Is It Time to Put the Armbands On Yet lane, so let’s check in on Ron DeSantis’ ongoing audition for the Cult45 high priesthood.
Florida Republicans are pulling enough fashy shit for an entire Family Feud category. “Show me six-week abortion ban!” and you get the little ding and the bar turns over, between ones that say “attempting to outlaw gender studies” and “assault on First Amendment rights so extreme even Newt Gingrich says you’re nuts.” Boy, that joke was surprisingly difficult to pull off in prose form.
Yeah, it’s a real specific record Ron’s carving out for himself, and I don’t think it’s going to play as well as he imagines. Gazing upon his “my book ban is widely misunderstood as a book ban” tour, one doesn’t exactly see the seeds of a movement.
Donnie One-Term’s VP shortlist allegedly contains Kari Lake; sounds like they’ve got binders full of psychopaths down at Mar-a-Lago. The “stud muffin” thing alone should be disqualifying…that attack ad practically throws up on itself.
There’s also buzz around Sarah Slanders, who just signed a bill rolling back child labor protections. Yeah, that’s something else Republicans do now. Soon as we get rid of these child labor laws, America’ll be all kindsa great again, you’ll see. 31 flavors of great again. Make America a Dickens Novel.
Meanwhile, West Virginia Republicans blocked a child marriage ban, because there’s actually some fairly wacky fine print in those family values they’re always going on about.
Hey, if you love chocolate, but hate trans people, Ben Shapiro has a candy bar to sell you. You can behave that way, if you want. You can indulge your bigotry by overpaying for junk food. Be sure to post about it on social media, everyone will be really impressed that you hate trans people with such fiscally irresponsible zeal.
Another super cool dude is Elon Musk, who might not need bodyguards to follow him into the bathroom if he didn’t spend his time mocking disabled employees while his $44 billion toy breaks. You know that gag where you can caption any New Yorker cartoon with “Christ, what an asshole?” Elon Musk stories are like that.
Putin’s butchers have apparently been reduced to fighting with shovels, because I guess that’s what’s left once you run out of convicts. Pretty standard superpower shit.
Good news everyone, according to the Hill, “James Taylor casts doubt on Trump’s 2024 chances,” and I’m open to considering the possibility that I might consume a little too much political news content. Still, somebody has to step into the void left by the Iowa Straw Poll…why not JT?
Anyway, dear readers, know that I am your retribution, provided you’re angry at the beer in my fridge, which will shortly pass through my bladder, en route to an even darker fate. Stay safe out there, and sane, if you’re able.