American Madness Journal

 So, I’ve had a super-sexxxy day, watching along as swing-district House Dems announce, one by one, their intention to vote for the articles of impeachment, and I kinda wanna travel back in time to show my teenage self how cool my life is now, but that kid already had...

 I’ve written Santa more than three dozen letters asking him to please please please just let me wake the fuck up, but at this point I’m once again forced to conclude that this is indeed real life. The good news, I suppose, is that the beer is also real; let’s round...

 Let me just say that in this age of disinformation, I think it’s troubling that you can trust a drunken maniac in a bathrobe and a luchador mask more than an entire political party with millions of members. But, sadly, unlike the institutional GOP, I’m not making any...

 Well, I was hoping the turkey leftovers had gone bad, and maybe the gravy had fermented to the point where I was hallucinating all this madness, but then I remembered I had Thanksgiving at a friend’s place, so I don’t have any leftovers, meaning all this shit really...

 Hey there, Resisters. I hope you enjoyed the long holiday weekend, and that no blood was shed over the Thanksgiving table, no matter how loudly Uncle Earl read those Daily Wire posts during dessert. Anyway, I got this amazing Black Friday deal for double the madness,...

 So, in my internet news-gathering travels this week, I came across that thing where apparently there are folks who like to lie, naked, ass pointed towards the sky, because they believe there are health benefits to be derived from getting sunshine on your butthole,...

 Greetings, fellow Agents of Soros! How are you planning on spending your globalist payoff this week? I was gonna pay down some debt, but reading the news this week, I realized I needed a beer. Or twenty. Holy fuckballs, this shit is CRAY.So, just to get the obscure,...

 Lots of shit has hit lots of fans these past few years, but we’re gonna need all the windmills in Holland to handle the coming turdstorm. I’m trying to save up my energy for the weeklong impeachment buffet, so let’s plow through the appetizers, cleanse our palates...

 Shit remains utterly, uncontrollably, cray, but I confess it’s a great deal more bearable when the good guys are on offense, chalking up wins. So let’s keep a spring in our step as we wade through the thigh-high muck this week, shall we? Well, the public impeachment...

  Since we apparently live in a world where Russian Napoleonic reenactors stumble around drunkenly with backpacks full of human arms, nothing should really surprise us anymore, but I confess I still don't know quite how to navigate this shitstorm. Grab a...

 Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend, right? Except President Crotchrot and his cronies, they’re working to stay out of jail. And also to steal as much of our tax money as possible, of course. And to destroy American democracy. The rest of us will have to make do with...

  I don’t get it; Halloween is supposed to be over, but the news is all monsters, clowns, and abject horror. Can I still get candy from strangers? Or beer, maybe? I need something to take the edge off this shit... Hey, if you ever happen to swallow some sort of...

  I honestly can’t tell the difference anymore between reading the news and having a dozen evil clowns shriek directly into my ear while punching me in the temples. If it’s the clown thing, I apologize, but on the off chance that all this shit is really happening...

 Y’know, I was trying to reflect back on this point in the Obama presidency, and I realized that I had no idea what the fuck was going on at this point in the Obama presidency. I probably had a burger and a few beers, watched some TV, and went to bed without worrying...

 Hello fellow human scum! I hope you’re enjoying being the target of dehumanizing rhetoric from your own government as much as I am! Remember, a Shower Cap Blog a day keeps the stochastic terrorism away!*Well, Team Treasonweasel’s increasingly-panicked defense to the...

 Hey there Shower Captives, apologies for missing our longstanding Monday night date; sometimes even bathrobed superheroes need a mental health day, and anyway, I knew the Screeching Madness Void would be right there waiting for me when I came back, it’s not like...

 Grim shit out there this week, Resisters. The news is all high crimes, ethnic cleansing, and adorable bunnies, and my apologies, cuz I lied about the bunnies. Maybe keep a website with bunny videos open in another window while you read this. Well, the impeachment...

 Honestly, I'm still mostly shell-shocked from facing down the billion-headed hydra that was Last Week's News...and you're telling me there's more? Can't we all just agree to take a few days to crash on the couch, catch up on our shows and crafting projects, just...I...

 So, I was thinking of opening the blog tonight with a little joke like “slow news week, right?” which would be amusing because there was, in fact, a great deal of news this week. Get it? What I'm saying is, take a bathroom break now, and come back with snacks,...

  Well, if you had “it'll get worse before it gets better” in your office pool, you won a bunch of money, cuz holy fuck, things're BAD out there, my friends. In my great and unmatched drunkenness, I shall attempt to guide you through this shitshow; safety most...

  I write tonight’s post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n’ hot takes about the strength of Alvin Bragg’s case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself...

  Slow news week, huh? Man, that one never gets old. “Slow news week.” Good one, Cap, maybe you can work something in about the Gwyneth Paltrow trial, like a mob of Goop truthers armed with vagina-scented candles storming the courtroom or something? I dunno, I’ll...

  Sitting around waiting for Donald Trump to get arrested is at least pleasanter than sitting around waiting for Donald Trump to concede, or leave office, or potentially provoke nuclear catastrophe on the Korean Peninsula. I could do without the lurking threat of...

  Before we get started, I’d like to take a moment to congratulate everyone on successfully navigating another week without poisoning yourself to death with livestock dewormer. Poisoning yourself to death with livestock dewormer is something that can happen to...

  Y’know, I don’t mind struggling over the soul of the nation, but I confess I’m beginning to resent the quality of the opposition. It feels like I’ve been trapped in a checkout line, between a shrieking toddler and a lady with an inch-thick stack of expired...