American Madness Journal

  Well, if you had “it'll get worse before it gets better” in your office pool, you won a bunch of money, cuz holy fuck, things're BAD out there, my friends. In my great and unmatched drunkenness, I shall attempt to guide you through this shitshow; safety most...

 Fuck, y’all. This week. This fucking WEEK. If Churchill were alive today, he would devote the rest of his life to writing a sixteen-volume chronicle of just this week. And he wouldn't finish it, and his kid would take over the series after he died, while HBO turned...

 Shit, as the poet once said, has gotten real. I feel like I need to triple my typing speed just to keep up with everything. The news is moving so fucking fast right now, I must ask your forgiveness in advance if I miss a story here and there, like maybe a small war...

 I was thinking, instead of a blog tonight, maybe I could just stand in the middle of the street and scream "what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” at the top of my lungs until I pass out. No? Well, since you're already here, I suppose I may as well document the madness, such...

 Man, Amtrak is phasing out the dining car! I love long train trips, and a solid 60% of the craziest conversations I've ever had have come in those charming-if-forced social interactions. The end of an era. Lucky for me, the news contains more than enough abject...

 I no longer miss 2016, when the government was kinda functional and democracy was relatively healthy; I'm increasingly nostalgic for the comparatively mild insanity of 2017, when Strawberry Shartcake still had a handful of adult babysitters, restraining his worst...

 So, I enjoyed a much-needed weekend away from the headlines, partaking of good music and good company at this year's Riot Fest. Regrettably, I did not take any drugs while I was there, so I'm forced to conclude all this news I'm catching up on today is tragically...

 Y'know, in the future, when we've finally removed President Crotchvoid from office, I imagine newspapers will just SMELL better, don't you? Without all the incessant malice and blundering and hate? We've gotta put up with it for a little while longer, I suppose, so...

 I'm increasingly convinced none of this is really happening. At some point in the fall of 2016, I took a boat trip that I no longer recollect, during which I was swallowed by a whale, a whale which then swallowed a second boat, packed with hallucinogenic drugs, and...

  Hey hey, Shower Captives! Wouldja believe this humble Resistance With Poo Jokes blog celebrated its second birthday just yesterday? If you promise to stick around for my terrible twos, I promise to make them filthier than ever, starting with this week's...

  Well, it's a three day weekend, so there's only as much scandal as 7 years worth of the Obama presidency this time ‘round. It was actually the Tan Suitiversary a few days back, and by God, if we could survive that, we'll get through this whole “fascist criminal...

  My most irrational fear lately is that there somehow won’t be enough news to justify updating this blog every few days. All of my other fears, like, say, “I sure hope the President of the United States doesn't call for civil war on Twitter if he loses in 2020,”...

  Once upon a time, they laughed at Warren Harding for pitching a “return to normalcy” but motherFUCK I would give my left arm, my eye teeth, a kidney, and half my comic book collection* for some goddamn normalcy right now. I want to sprinkle normalcy on my...

  Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let's dive in. The “feud”...

 Jane, I have asked, repeatedly, to be let off this crazy thing. This whole The West Wing, Only Stupid and Awful gimmick has more than run its course, and I'd very much like to watch something else now. All I want is to change the channel, but I can't find the fucking...

 I miss the old, light, mostly-boring news. Reading the paper today is like strolling down to the local dinner theatre, expecting a pleasantly innocuous evening of Neil Simon, only to find an antagonistically artsy local troupe has barricaded the doors and intends to...

 I'm a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day's news consumption hasn't exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay? I missed this one last week, but it...

 Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I'm hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I...

 A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, committed mass murder on Saturday, so there aren't going to be any jokes tonight.A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, killed 22...

 How are you tonight, friends? Me, I'm good; the orderlies loosened the straightjacket an hour ago, and this InfoWars gag real is surprisingly amusing. Wait, what? It's CNN? Live? Oh fucking hell. Well, let's get on with the roundup. I think I'm gonna just cut and...

  Y’know, I don’t mind struggling over the soul of the nation, but I confess I’m beginning to resent the quality of the opposition. It feels like I’ve been trapped in a checkout line, between a shrieking toddler and a lady with an inch-thick stack of expired...

  So, my birthday was this week, and I asked the Birthday Fairy for one week without assholes, so I could blog about something pleasant, like cupcakes, or cowboy movies, but the Birthday Fairy told me he wasn't a fucking magician, so I guess we’ll do what we we...

  So, Marjorie Taylor Greene wants a divorce. Wouldn’t it be lovely if it were that simple? To just herd all the weirdos into Florida, and let Bugs saw ‘em right off the continent? Sit on the beach, watch ‘em float away into the Atlantic, that endless,...

  Folks, I gotta level with you, I just don’t have it this week. Writer’s block beat me up, took my lunch money, and left me with an atomic wedgie I struggle even now to unpick. You would not believe the half-finished stinkers staring back at me from my draft,...

  Intellectually, we knew going in that we were dealing with people of low character and no discernible competence, but watching the MAGA GOP actually run the U.S. House of Representatives blows my fucking mind. My expectations were real low, you guys, but they...