Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Who Would Get Custody of the Space Lasers?
So, Marjorie Taylor Greene wants a divorce. Wouldn’t it be lovely if it were that simple? To just herd all the weirdos into Florida, and let Bugs saw ‘em right off the continent? Sit on the beach, watch ‘em float away into the Atlantic, that endless, inescapable whining growing fainter and fainter…oh man, life would be one big Corona commercial.
I want to go to there. But I’m stuck here. With Marjorie Taylor Greene, which I don’t think is fair. Stuck in the United States of America during this golden age of mass killings linked to extremism, because the American Right refuses to entertain alternatives to the “radicalize idiots all day” turnout strategy that’s failed them in three consecutive elections.
You shriek and you moan, around the goddamn clock, about hydroxychloroquine and Jewish space lasers and furry kid litter boxes and Hillary Clinton eating baby faces and then when voters decide they don’t want to be governed by psychopaths, which is reasonable of them, you invent bigger lies, and drive yourselves crazier and crazier, until some of you snap and do terrorism, and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to try something else.
But no, modern Republican culture is about pushing on a door with a pull sign and calling it “fighting,” and learning from your mistakes is for sissies, so the plan is to crank the volume and menace the neighbors with firearms when they complain.
Shit, let MAGA nation secede, says me, on the condition that they take all their fucking guns with them, and immediately build a giant fucking wall around themselves. We’d agree to airdrop Twinkies and ammunition every six weeks until they wipe themselves out, which should take about two weeks.
Michigan Republicans, in their wisdom, elected deeply insane failed Secretary of State candidate Kristina Karamo as state chair, indicative of the party’s broader losers-who-won’t-go-away problem, which they have so richly earned. Look, winners don’t ingest livestock medication, and I can’t be any clearer than that.
Because he’s way transparenter than that Pelosi broad, Kevin McCarthy released thousands of hours of secret security footage from the Capitol Riot to the media. Well, not the whole media, of course. This footage belongs to the public, not the lügenpresse! Kevin had conditions.
You had to be a serial conspiracy theorist, on everything from Covid to the Big Lie. You definitely had to’ve platformed the white nationalist “great replacement theory,” obviously. Kevin strongly preferred, but did not insist upon candidates who pimp Viktor Orbán and giggle like some sidekick-level cartoon halibut in a direct-to-video Disney sequel, but you couldn’t, under any circumstances, be an actual journalist of any kind.
Now, having thoroughly enjoyed Gym Jordan’s faceplant-heavy debut as Mr. Serious Investigator Man, I am sympathetic to the Speaker’s impulse to outsource propaganda operations to a more experienced hand, but common sense and common decency compel me to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Hey Kevin, can somebody who’s not the mouth of American fascism get a peek at them vids? No? Just Tucker? Well, that’s certainly a choice.
It took extra shamelessness to pull that shit in the wake of the Dominion lawsuit revelations, but luckily, that’s the one area where McCarthy’s reserves are limitless. Exclusive access for the guy who knowingly fed his audience lies? Who tried to get a colleague fired for telling the truth?
Who, incidentally, gushed, “If you haven’t seen the tape of (Trump) ordering in McDonald’s, treat yourself?” Unrepentant hate-mongering aside, doesn’t America deserve to hear from someone slightly less pathetic?
“Treat yourself.” If my life were that embarrassing, I suppose I’d craft an elaborate alternate reality to hide in, too.
Joe Biden went to Europe, and though he did stop (just) short of rubbing his balls on Vlad’s goofy, overlong table, messages were sent. Whatsamatter, can’t even take out one little ol’ President? On your front porch? Hmm. That restoration of imperial glory may be a ways off yet.
It’s Putin’s bloody blunderversary, actually, though he seems oddly displeased with the presents he’s receiving. “For me? You shouldn’t have, all I brought was some convicts.” Aside from the crashed jets and the odd failed missile test, it’s all going really great, though, while on the home front, audiences thrill to the new hit game show: Surprise, You’re Press-Ganged!
If there’s one bright spot for the butcher of Mariupol, it’s his growing support within the Republican Party. Me, I would hesitate to side with hospital-bombing child traffickers, but I’m not Marjorie Taylor Greene, who once again made the Orwell for Dummies Hall of Fame, with her dippy “this war against Russia in Ukraine” framing. Ron DeSantis fared little better, because, well, he’s just not smart enough to talk about these things.
I had been blissfully unaware of Vivek Ramaswamy’s existence until this week, when he announced his presidential candidacy on Tucker Carlson, and oh my goodness, a tedious nerd grousing about wokeness is exactly what this clown car field needed. Plant this dork on the far end of the debate stage, in the Marianne Williamson spot, right next to Larry Hogan.
This primary is going to be a shitshow, folks. I saw a headline that went, “Chris Sununu Eyes the G.O.P.’s ‘Normal’ Lane in 2024. Does It Exist?” and I laughed so hard I got glared at. Yeah, Chris, maybe while Ron n’ Don’re bickering over who hates trans kids more, you can eke out enough delegates to force a floor fight. I bet that’s what happens.
“And so, Mr. Sununu — a “Seinfeld”-quoting, Covid booster-boosting son of a governor who supported Mr. Trump’s first two campaigns — is offering himself up as a walking referendum on the direction of his party.”
Oh, my sweet summer child. Your party’s voters died rather than take that vaccine. By the thousands. I guess I’m concerned we’re attributing some powers to Seinfeld here that maybe Seinfeld doesn’t actually possess. “No soup for you!” “Wow, I believe in science now!”
The middle square in Republican primary bingo is Candidate Refuses to Differentiate Self From Trump in Any Way, because Kemp/Warnock voters are a myth the deep state invented to frighten real American children.
Mike Pompeo pulled himself up by the bootstraps and had his PAC drop 42 grand on copies of his memoir, Khashoggi Had it Comin’, so now he gets to call himself a big, successful, best-selling author, and I guess if that’s what it takes to get the BlueChew to kick in, I won’t judge. That’s probably my favorite Republican puffery ritual. If I absolutely had to choose. Man, the sad, shabby sleight of hand it takes to make these mediocrities seem accomplished, and worthy of power.
As for the frontrunner, well, he proposed a nationwide federal takeover of discipline in public schools, which is…wow. You gotta pass a lotta cognitive tests to come up with something like that.
Shout out to Mark Brnovich, who abused his post as Arizona Attorney General to suppress a report debunking the Bamboo Fiber Detection Society’s voter fraud claims. Thanks so much for pouring that gasoline on the fire, Mark; I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you, but it turns out you suck so much you can’t even beat Peter Thiel’s pet lizard in a primary.
Republican Congresscreep Barry Moore proposed a bill designating the AR-15 as the “national gun of America,” honoring the weapon of choice of so many of our world-renowned school shooters. We should have an official national cancer, too. I propose lung, any dissenters?
While we are on the always fruitful topic of Republican ghoulishness, Alaska state Rep. David Eastman felt compelled, for whatever reason, to celebrate the fiscal benefits resulting from the deaths of abused children. If you were thinking that David sounds like the kind of young man who would pose for a photograph next to a wall-sized Hitler quote, congratulations on your instincts.
Confession time: all of the above is 100% fake news, I work for the deep state, and my whole job is to distract you from the important stuff, about Lego going woke, and the antifa plot to make Nazi homeschoolers look bad. You just got Jade Helmed, sheeple!
No, you gotta go to Don Jr’s podcast for the real shit. That’s where Kyle Rittenhouse blew the lid off the Soros-funded conspiracy against Kyle Rittenhouse that Kyle Rittenhouse made up. My heartiest congratulations to everyone who invested a chunk of their precious, finite time on Earth in a podcast interview between Don Jr and Kyle Rittenhouse, by the way; you’re obviously someone who should be pandered to during a presidential primary.
The O’Keefe/Project Veritas breakup feels like content custom manufactured for an audience of me, personally. What can I say, watching one of the shittiest people alive lose badly stimulates the pleasure centers in my brain. I would wait in line for hours to go on this ride at Disney World. More, please.
Of course, the week’s best news was probably Jon Tester announcing he’s running for reelection. There’s no sweeter sight than a Democratic Senator representing a state that’s red and getting redder, especially when you’re talking about a public servant as exceptional as Tester. Bookmark that ActBlue page, folks, he’s gonna need our help.
And in the shorter term, so does Janet Protasiewicz, who advanced to the general in the Wisconsin Supreme Court election, on April 4th. Super encouraging turnout numbers, but there’s a whooooooooole lot on the line here, so let’s not leave anything to chance.
Incidentally, you folks are all incredibly sweet and kind, and your messages of support last week meant more than you could know. I have the best readership a drunken loudmouth in a bathrobe and luchador mask could hope for, and I appreciate the heck out of ya. Stay safe out there, my friends.