Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Yeah, Kellyanne, Liars are the Worst.
So, my birthday was this week, and I asked the Birthday Fairy for one week without assholes, so I could blog about something pleasant, like cupcakes, or cowboy movies, but the Birthday Fairy told me he wasn’t a fucking magician, so I guess we’ll do what we we usually do instead.
Kellyanne Conway is sick of all the dishonesty, you guys. She’s had it up to here (indicating the scar she received at the Bowling Green massacre) with the malignant mendacity of “the people whose job it is to tell you the truth, in the media,” as she put it to Sean Hannity, who agreed that lying is a very bad thing indeed. They were really quite indignant about it.
To be clear, I am, in fact, talking about the Sean Hannity from the Dominion lawsuit filings. In case you thought I meant some other, non-propagandist Sean Hannity, one with decency and shame, who maybe runs a little stationery shop on the outskirts of Paducah. Nope. The one on Fox News.
Oh Fox. You blight. You tumor. If you weren’t ripping my country apart, I’d almost admire the way you’ve built an audience that shrugs off mountains of evidence that you lie to them about the most important things in the world. The tensile strength of the bubble is impressive, is all I’m saying.
In California, one wingnut-dominated county board just cancelled their contract with Dominion, at massive expense to taxpayers. Yes, after days of global headlines about Fox’s lies. See, in Republican politics, the public must submit to the delusions of the most easily deceived among them.
…which doesn’t seem fair.
Tucker Carlson understands that Fox’s audience doesn’t want news, they want a news-shaped excuse to hate the people they already hate. Which Fox provides, better than anyone anywhere. Fox is the Disney of hate. They’ll have a theme park some day.
I always enjoy watching Paul Ryan’s sham intellect fail him. His floundering failure to defend his complicity in Fox’s fuckery was…perfect. In the party of Lauren Boebert, Paul’s a “thought leader;” in the real world, you’d think twice about entrusting him with the shift manager’s keyring.
Bless their unteachable hearts, House Republicans stomped back to their little hearing rooms this week, more determined than ever to broadcast their many derangements to the electorate. “HEY AMERICA!” they bellow, for reasons I have struggled to grasp, “LOOKIT ALL THE STUPID FAKE SHIT WE BELIEVE!”
Um…okay. If you insist.
That’s nice. Look, I’m meeting somebody for lunch, so-
“FRAZZLEDRIP JADE HELM DEEP STATE BENGHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!”
…okay. Well, it was nice catching up!
“(FURIOUSLY GUZZLES IVERMECTIN SMOOTHIE)”
Carnies in Tim Burton movies are less weird than the parade of whackjobs Jim Jordan trotted out as “whistleblowers,” or the freaks n’ geeks on the coronavirus subcommittee. It was thoughtful of Matt Gaetz to spice up the proceedings with some Chinese propaganda for a change, though. Variety’s nice.
Meanwhile, House Oversight Chairman James Comer is gonna exhume Beau Biden and lock up his corpse, just as soon as he’s done helping Chris Ruddy extort DirecTV, because Mama Comer raised a normal, healthy, American boy.
Awful, crazy people screaming awful, crazy shit at the top of their lungs. And they never stop.
…but Marjorie Taylor Greene thinks she’s the one who needs a safe space. Me, I would enjoy inhabiting a space safe from the loser terrorist who targeted Jewish officials in Michigan and the “King of the KKK” who just got charged with hate crimes and the Nazi memorabilia-collecting pipe bomber.
Also from anybody who would buy a children’s book from the Libs of TikTok lady, or listen to a musical collaboration between Donald Trump and an insurrectionist fuckwit prison choir. Not because you’re dangerous, because you’re too embarrassing to be around. On a certain very important level, you guys’re just weirdos.
Like, did you the see the cabal of theocrat perverts DeSantis installed on this Disney oversight board? Oh, and Ron has designs on the content, too. Toy Story 5 is gonna be Woody committing a hate crime against the Potato Heads, and then a dog-gnawed vintage Grand Moff Tarkin action figure, voiced by Ben Shapiro, defending him in court.
Big congrats go out to Some Florida Republican, who probably has a name but who gives a shit, for his mega-rad bill “cancelling” Democrats over slavery. Everyone was really, really impressed, especially supermodels and your dad. I only hope there was enough room in your garage for all the libs you owned.
Apropos of nothing in particular, I’m fairly certain Hell is being trapped in an elevator with Elon Musk and the Dilbert guy while they whine about getting cancelled. The reason you dorks are going to lose this culture war is that you are fucking unendurable. Just a heads-up.
Anyway. I’m finding my silver lining this week in the sea of empty chairs at CPAC.
I don’t have the strength for CPAC right now, though I would like to offer my thoughts and prayers to what I’m sure will be an lengthy procession of frustrated congeniality consultants tasked with drawing humanity out of Mike Pompeo.
Yeah, short one tonight, and I know I missed a bunch of stuff. Bear with me, I’m still hacking my way through that slump from a couple weeks back. I’ll figure it out. You stay safe out there, m’loves.