Well, Resisters, I received a list of banned words and phrases from the Drumpf Administration, that I’m no longer allowed to use here in my humble little corner of the internet. Stuff like “science-based,” “Roy Moore is a child molester who was banned from the mall,” and, most distressingly…”shart.”

…come visit me in the gulag, is what I’m sayin’.

CNN reports that Orange Julius Caesar lives in a delightful fantasy world where Big Macs grow on trees, where every day is Golf Day, and where Robert Mueller’s investigation will end any minute now with, hugs and apologies. He seems to think he’ll get some sort of “letter of exoneration,” and perhaps also a trophy for Normalest Hands.

Don’t spoil it for him. It’ll be more fun as a surprise.

NBC says that the FBI sat the Drumpf campaign down last summer to say “Hey, just a heads-up, expect the Russians to try to infiltrate your campaign, and oh yeah, give us a heads up if any Russians swing by offering to like, collude with you, or hack into the DNC’s e-mails or anything, cuz that’d be super-illegal,” and Team Shart was all “Yeah yeah, sure sure,” while Jeff Sessions was inconspicuously sweeping a stack of Russians underneath the office rug.

Considering how many different meetings-with-Russians these clowns have been caught lying about since then, this would seem to push the dreamt-of exoneration letter even further into Narnia.

An Amtrak train derailed in Washington state this morning, and Shart Garfunkel seized the opportunity to pimp his non-existent infrastructure plan, which he claims would somehow have prevented the disaster despite his administration’s repeated calls to slash Amtrak’s budget.

And after being chastised for not doing so in the first place, Drumpfy tweeted “Oh yeah, sorry about the dead people, I guess. Or wait, were any of them black? I’ll get back to you.”

Ted Cruz picked a fight with Mark Hamill, over net neutrality, I guess because he thinks sneering at a beloved screen icon is the best way to get his message out. Teddy’s just the Da Vinci of Dislikability, isn’t he? This is why, even when he was the last viable option against Trump in the primaries, he couldn’t get endorsements from his colleagues.

Cruz and Shartcannon, Jr. made further headlines posing with some sort of giant cookie that had a crude Obama frosting illustration on it, I guess? Because “trollin’ the libtards” is as close to policy as the American right gets these days. I fully expect “Owning Snowflakes” to be added to the official GOP platform.

Bob Corker, caught with his cheeks bulging with cash like a guilty chipmunk waylaid on the way to hibernation, excuse me, “retirement,” was all “Hashtag Corker Kickback? What Hashtag Corker Kickback? I haven’t even read that silly ol’ bill, how was I to know about a last-minute change that’d save me millions of dollars coincidentally being added right as I flipped my vote without any of my demands being met?”

Ol’ Bob imagines himself to be quite crafty. Anyway, he’s far from the only prominent Republican slated to rake in a bundle of cash from the kickback that now so famously bears his name.

One of the dipshit Palin kids, I can never remember their names…was it Flarp Palin, or Thumb Palin, or Dopey or Sneezy or Grumpy? It doesn’t matter. Point is, Cronut Palin got arrested for assault for breaking into his parents’ house to beat up his dad, Spork Palin. Whatever. I’m sure you’re looking forward to being lectured on “family values” by these COPS guest stars as much as I am.

Boy howdy, Jolly James Clapper sure did throw some hands at Baron Velveeta Harkonnen on CNN this afternoon! Drumpf is Putin’s “asset,” and Uncle Vlad is “handling” him like a pro, says the former DNI.

Sometimes he’ll call up in the middle of the night and say, “Donnie my Boy, make me a sandwich. No one makes ’em like you, with your tiny fingers you spread the mustard right up into every corner. I imagine it must take you rather a long time.”

And you bet your ass Donnie Two-Scoops hops out of bed and makes that sandwich.

Hey, if anybody was thinking about getting me anything for Xmas, you needn’t bother, my stocking overfloweth with the news that Jill Fucking Stein has FINALLY been swept up in the Russia investigation!

Yes, the Senate Intelligence Committee has requested some documents from everybody’s least favorite opportunistic meddler, and I bet they’re not after folk-rock lyrics, Dr. Stein.

I missed the bit about how Government Cheese Goebbels celebrated the anniversary of the Sandy Hook massacre by inviting Shameless Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre over to the White House to enjoy a little eggnog spiked with rum and the blood of innocent children.

Matthew Peterson withdrew his nomination for a lifetime federal judgeship today, after a humiliating video demonstrating how he doesn’t know shit about shit went viral. Peterson will reportedly resume his old career, Taking Up Space and Staring Vacantly Out the Window.

The Shart House will dispatch Ben Carson to Puerto Rico tomorrow, to survey the ongoing hurricane fallout. Secretary Carson is expected to nap, order people who haven’t had power for months to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, nap some more, and eventually propose hollowing out the entire island in order to use it to store grain.

Susan Collins announced her support for the Make Americans Serfs Again Act, excuse me, the “GOP tax reform bill,” all but guaranteeing its passage. It’s tricky, pinning down Senator Collins’ morality. When the ACA repeal bill would have stolen health insurance from 32 million Americans, she played hero…but the mere 13 million kicked out by the individual mandate repeal? Susan says that ain’t no thang at all.

For future reference, Senator, it would be ideal if we could nail down precisely what number of ruined American lives serves as your decency threshold. Actually, let’s start a pool! Ten bucks on 22,345,658!

Anyway, the American People like the bill about as much as they like the idea of Ted Cruz doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. Oh, and they want Democrats to control congress. And check out the gap on dat generic congressional ballot.

And now WaPo reports the Misshapen Traffic Cone toyed with un-nominating Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court for insufficient loyalty in the face of his various “Fuck the Courts for cockblocking all my mega-awesome dictatorship planz” rants.  How big an ass do you have to be to make Neil Gorsuch the good guy in a story?

ProPublica has a fun peek behind the curtain of Scott Pruitt’s EPA, where clean air is for CUCKS and decisions are made between Scotty and the Voices in his Head in the soundproof booth he’s been busily decorating with his own bodily fluids.

And the Marmalade Shartcannon finally debuted in Disney’s Hall of Presidents, an animatronic horror which sources tell me still has a number of bugs, including a distressing tendency to ask park guests to urinate on it.

So that’s the Monday Madness, friends. I know it feels rough sometimes, but hey, since you started reading this post, you’re like, four minutes closer to your chance to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS…and that’s a wonderful thing.