Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Ron DeSantis’ Vile New Grift and Other Acts of Wingnut Malice
It was naive of me, but I really did believe things would be a little less crazy, and a little less stupid by now. However, here in the 297th consecutive week of the Exact Same Right Wing Pandemic Tantrum, it’s clear I was foolish to ever dream this fever could break.
I guess we should start with Afghanistan. Who would’ve thought a place known as “the Graveyard of Empires” would prove so inhospitable?
Not to impugn the good faith of the military-industrial complex, but I’m starting to think that Afghan army we spent two decades building never quite became the elite peacekeeping force we were led to expect. I guess $83 billion doesn’t buy what it used to.
Other than human tragedy on an unfathomable scale, of course.
It’s sure been somethin’, watching all the Republican pundits n’ politicians, scowling so somberly as they lament Joe Biden’s “failure” and “weakness,” when they’re not-so-secretly beside themselves with glee that they get to spend the foreseeable future stirrin’ up fear and hate of our most loyal Afghan allies.
A Republican strategist is just somebody who works out the shortest distance between two points, where the second point is always Be Afraid of Brown People, so the last couple of weeks have basically been a paid vacation.
Can’t imagine you were surprised to see Stephen Miller crawl out of his sewer pipe to stoke the fires of hate for a bit. Last thing that little Nazi tapeworm wants is more folks willing to fight for American values.
You look from Miller to those brave Afghans who risked their lives, fighting the forces of ignorance and autocracy, alongside the U.S. military, and you can’t help but think, yeah, let’s get this “white replacement” thing y’all talk about so much started. That photo of the airplane full of evacuees you bastards have been waving around in fear-mongering fervor? I say empty that plane, fill it up with the exact same number of Oath Keepers and Newsmax hosts, turn it around, and send it right back. Wash, rinse, repeat, until we’re no longer debating whether or not democracy is good. Where’s my MoveOn petition for that option?
Before we get into the week’s Covid news, the usual disclaimer that much of the behavior described will make no damn sense; I think it helps to keep in mind the people involved have no damn sense.
The Biden Administration has been forced to escalate their conflict with the coronavirus’ deadliest ally: the Republican Governors Association. It’s weird that an extremely contagious, frequently lethal virus has its own personal fifth column in 21st-century America, but then, a lot of shit’s weird these days.
Greg Abbott, leading by example for a change, caught his very own case of the disease he’s been so assiduously dispensing to Texas’ schoolchildren. (I didn’t say it was positive leadership.) Meanwhile, his casually nihilistic Lt. Governor introduced a fresh, new, racist conspiracy theory into a market that’s surely saturated by now*.
And Death Cult Bandwagon Jumper Doug Ducey became the latest GOP governor to force his constituents’ children to cosign his party’s suicide pact with the Delta variant. See? Weird shit, huh? Toldja.
Folks, you’re gonna have to bear with the Republican Party. Remember, they’re coming off a year when they had no policy platform whatsoever, and there are inevitably going to be a few bumps in the road as they suss out what their disinformation-addicted, feral base wants.
For the moment, the focus seems t’be on just two issues: letting Richard Spencer rewrite the nation’s history textbooks, and feeding as many Americans as possible to the disease that’s already killed 624,000 of us, asterisk minors strongly preferred.
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced a whole new category for next year’s ceremony: Best Video Footage of a Brain-Broke Wingnut Decaying Before Our Very Eyes Into a Puddle of Rage at a School Board Meeting. Gonna be competitive.
Trouble is, it’s these and ONLY these people that Republican governance currently serves. Here in the fever swamps of 2021, “conservative” policy is driven by the ever-shifting delusions of the most gullible rubes who ever blew a paycheck on a doomsday prep kit shilled by a talk radio host, and folks, that is no way to run a dang railroad. Or to, y’know, SET PUBLIC HEALTH POLICY DURING A GODDAMN PANDEMIC.
But that’s how we’re playin’ it, in red states anyway, which is completely insane of course, the kind of insane you seldom see outside those who develop labyrinthine plots to kill the Batman, but I suppose that’s how we wound up at this KOOKY moment in history, when the American right has decided to open up a hot front in the nation’s cold culture war, carefully selecting their battlefields to maximize child casualties.
It is real, real, REAL important to Republican politicians that kids catch Covid. Like, tax-cuts-for-their-billionaire-masters important. Now, I’m old-fashioned; I’m in favor of a more traditional government role, where elected officials use the powers of their offices to reduce sickness and suffering wherever possible, but times change, and perhaps we should respect the religious liberty of our death cultist brothers and sisters, as they pursue their mad quest to fill every ICU bed in the South.
Or maybe we could, I dunno, shuffle our priorities around a bit, focus more on saving lives than placating ill-behaved, misinformed shitweasels? Maybe, and I don’t want to sound like a radical commie libtard cuck or anything, do things that work instead of things that don’t?
Like, I don’t want to tell Ron DeSantis how to do his job, but when one is overseeing (or, as you could more accurately say, “causing”) a senseless, unnecessary, mass-casualty event, that generates headlines like, “Sick COVID patients lie on floor at antibody treatment site in Florida,” and “Mask fight in Florida schools as pediatric ICU beds fill with patients,” one could likely find better uses for one’s time than petulantly punishing local educators who insist on protecting their charges from your deranged, homicidal “orders,” but I suppose the mob isn’t going to throw bloody chunks of red meat to itself.
Oh wait, maybe I do want to tell Ron DeSantis how to do his job. The governor job, not his side gig as an entry-level Regeneron hawker.
Yeah, DeSantis, who will always find a way to sink to heretofore undiscovered depths of depravity, having used his platform and his powers to spread Covid-19 throughout his state, now ever-so-subtly nudges the population he failed and infected towards an expensive treatment, (vaccines are still free, yo) each dose of which further enriches Kenneth C. Griffin, the billionaire hedge fund jag who finances Ron-Ron’s campaigns, and pulls his strings.
Got that? Intentionally spreading a deadly disease, amongst children, in order to create consumers for a product that would have no function in an environment where the pandemic was under control. Quite possibly the most obscene thing I have ever witnessed. Raw evil.
MAGA Nation, I have to ask: how many ways do the turd-gargling plutocrats you look to for leadership have to tell you, directly to your face, that your lives mean less than nothing to them, that they would happily feed you face-first into a wood-chipper for a fucking nickel, before you get the fucking message?
Because even as Fux Nooz fills your head with snakes and pop rocks, behind the scenes, they’ve implemented their own mask mandates and vaccine passports, you know that, right? Turns out, the things they tell you are tyrannical deep state plots to control you are actually simple, common-sense measures that keep people safe and healthy. To cut through the bullshit: they’re protecting their own lives while encouraging you to throw yours away.
And, for that reason, you should stop listening to them.
Sigh. Moving on.
Unsatiated by January 6th’s flaccid fascist kerfuffle, loser white boy terrorism returned to the U.S. Capitol on Thursday, in the form of Floyd Ray Roseberry, a Normal Tourist Visitor from a nearby alternate reality constructed by the shittiest people alive. This one didn’t have a real bomb, so nobody got hurt this time; sure hope we’re that lucky next time and the time after that and the time after that and…anyhow.
Mo Brooks responded to the incident in typical Mo Brooks fashion, by which I mean he expressed sympathy for, and even fellowship with the terrorist. This has been your weekly installment of Nazi Shit From Within the House Republican Conference Kevin McCarthy Couldn’t Be Bothered to Condemn, or, as it is known in Iowa, Shit That Makes Steve King Throw Half Empty Coors Light Bottles at the TV Set.
Hey, speaking of the American conservative movement’s terrorist wing, it seems the days before Proud Boy Spring Break, excuse me, I mean before “the Capitol Riot” saw a “suspicious spike in traffic” to a website containing maps of the tunnels running beneath the U.S. Capitol, from links originating on pro-Trump militia message boards, in what is surely the wackiest imaginable coincidence.
Hey, gotta drop a great big sloppy THANK YOU on everybody for your generous support of Marguerite vs. the Occupation. It’s…humbling, that y’all believe in me enough to fork over your hard-earned money. And I’m thankful. Now we prep the book for the printer, so we can get it in your hands as soon as possible! Can’t wait!
There’s even more Nazi-stompin’ fun on the horizon, believe it or not…but for now, I’ll stop trying to sell you folks my comics…because I’d rather talk about the awesome, Covid-vanquishing miracle called REGENERON™️!
…I kid. Stay safe out there, my lovelies. We got through 2020, we’ll get through this shit.
*Of course, the right wing appetite for racist disinformation is entirely without limit. Ha ha ha fooled you. (weeps)