Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Roseanne is Cancelled! Here in the Real World, We Still Have Problems.
Fuck, y’all, even I can’t keep up with this shit anymore. Today’s news is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Then One Firebombed the Cuckoo’s Nest Like Dresden, and Then One Sent a Platoon Full of Soldiers in Clown Makeup Into the Cuckoo’s Nest.
Anyway, I mixed a little ambien in my IPA, so things may go off the rails tonight, HAW HAW HAW.
Well, blood was spilled in the Culture War, when Roseanne Barr got canned for a tweet that somehow managed to be shockingly hateful even in an age where the very President compliments white supremacists in the immediate aftermath of an act of terrorism.
Still, it’s nice that we’re finally zeroing in on the precise point at which one crosses over from Provocatively “Racially Charged” to Yeah, No Amount of Money is Worth This Let the Shunning Commence. Apparently it’s somewhere between Being Photographed as Hitler Pulling Burnt Person-Shaped Cookies Out of an Oven and Holy Shit, Even David Duke Doesn’t Say Shit Like That in Public. (So the Velveeta Vulgarian still has plenty of wiggle room, actually.).
And of course she’d still be on the air if she’d stopped at merely spreading hideous (and long-debunked) conspiracy theories about Chelsea Clinton and George Soros, because hey, who among us hasn’t falsely accused an ideological opponent of literally collaborating with the Nazi Party?
Anyway, Roseanne, who herself is like if a confederate monument and a Waffle House dumpster had a baby, wasted little time in violating her pledge to leave Twitter, embarking on a hate-&-self-pity-filled rant worthy of…well, worthy of Donald Trump. Whatever. We’ll pay attention to you for another week or so, then it’s bye forever, you piece of trash.
I spend a lot of time documenting the shittiness of the American Right, but because Shower Cap is both fair AND balanced, let me dedicate a paragraph or two to checking in on the scuzziest ass rashes of the American Left.
First off, if you processed your post-11-8-16 grief by donating to Jill Stein’s recount scam, you’ll be happy to learn she’s still spending your money, even if she’s gotten a bit lackadaisical in keeping up with those legally-mandated FEC filings. Still, when she drops her next folk-rock album (tentatively titled, “The Free-Wheelin’ (With Your Money, Rubes!) Jill Stein,”) it’ll all be worth it.
And everybody meet BernieBro-cum-Drumpf-supporter Bruce Carter, who went to work for Breitbart and Steve Bannon suppressing the African-American vote! Thanks for your role in enabling all this senseless human suffering, Bruce! I wish you a life full of Comcast customer service and asparagus farts!
So, nobody’s seen Melania since she was hospitalized for that kidney thing, and maybe she’s moved back to New York, where we the American taxpayers will have the privilege of paying millions of entirely unnecessary dollars for her secret service protection, but maybe she’s just shut up in the White House? In the final analysis…who gives a fuck?
I don’t subscribe to this idea of Melania as some sort of closeted ally in the fight against her Turdburger husband. We don’t know a lot about her, she keeps to herself, and that’s her right. But from what little we DO know, she’s a fucking birther, and until she does something to offset her that very public bit of racist-as-hell shittiness, I’m saving my sympathy for the many thousands of victims of her life partner’s assorted atrocities.
Mother Jones was poking around in Scott Pruitt’s past, back when he was but a wee Oklahoma state senator with a fool’s dream of someday charging taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars to build a soundproof booth where he could jack off to goat porn, and discovered that he used to while away the hours proposing bills that would grant men “property rights” over unborn fetuses.
Pruitt’s just amazing. He’s like a sketch comedy caricature of a Republican come to life. That a jackass of such regular, almost hourly moral failings can unashamedly stand in judgment of others to such an extreme that he will insist one human being’s body is another human being’s property…he’s gotta be Andy Kaufman, right?
Princess Ivanka is MOST put off by the uppity peasants who call themselves “journalists,” questioning her over Daddy trading sanctions relief to a Chinese telephone company suspected of espionage in exchange for a few trademarks for his precious little girl! WHAT’S WRONG WITH A FATHER LOVING HIS DAUGHTER? AND MAYBE LUSTING AFTER HER JUST A LITTLE BIT OK A LOT OK SO MUCH THAT HE TALKS ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF CAMERAS? Anyway, she ran away from the press.
I’ve been trying all day to come up with a joke about Tennessee CongressLoon Diane Black suggesting that school shootings happen because of pornography, but I honestly can’t top the ridiculousness of the source material. Ionesco is sitting in the corner of my apartment, utterly undone by the absurdity of this thing that happened in real life, sniffing glue and weeping.
Mitt Romney will accept your praise now. He spoke some hard truths to power, proclaiming the Misshapen Play-Doh Manatee isn’t a good role model for his grandkids, and “has departed in some cases from the truth and has attacked in a way that I think is not entirely appropriate,” WHOA STEP BACK THERE, HOTSHOT, and the cast launched into “Cool” from West Side Story:
Mitt, Mitt, crazy Mitt
Get cool, Mitt!
Got a rocket
In your car elevator…
…ok, it doesn’t quite work. But then, neither does merrily accepting the endorsement of a walking sack of shit who you admit is a garbage role model. You know else is a garbage role model? Willard Mitt Romney. Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be panderers.
When you’re about to be convicted of a felony, it’s really useful to have something to trade to prosectors in exchange for leniency. Like, say, the Governorship of Missouri. Just ask Eric Greitens. Backed into a corner by a court order demanding the release of documents proving his crimes, the onetime Rising Star (Hee Fucking Hee) finally discovered the better part of valor, and slunk off into the night, no doubt petitioning to join Trent Franks’ poker game.
Of course, without Greitens weighing his party down on the midterm ballot, Claire McCaskill’s re-election just got a little tougher. So toss her a buck or two if you can, won’tcha?
So the CIA assessment of Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops’ desperate Nobel Prize ploy says the North Koreans have no intention whatsoever of giving up their nukes (FUCKING DUH), but may plan on offering a…fuck, I’m laughing so hard it’s hard to type this…a fucking FAST FOOD RESTAURANT in Pyongyang “as a show of goodwill.”
That…that’s the most perfect expression of totally-earned contempt I can imagine. That, hilariously and depressingly, is EXACTLY how much respect the sitting President of the United States deserves. “Nah, man, we won’t dismantle our nuclear program, but WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH YOUR JACK SHIT?”
Anyway, we’re a couple weeks out from the summit which may happen, or not, meaning the U.S. government under President Dumbass schedules high-stakes diplomacy with less certainty than your corner pub setting up trivia night.
We saw yet another article revealing yet another instance of Tangerine Idi Amin berating Jeff Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia investigation, because only the innocentest of Presidents need pliant lackeys to shield them from law enforcement probes, everybody knows that.
(While we’re on Sessions, some dolt wrote a handjob of a profile of ol’ Bilbo Bigot, calling the too-racist-for-the-80’s monster who’s abusing his power to break up families at the border, whose last remaining unfilled wish is probably to own a slave, “honorable.” No, I’m not linking that shit.)
Well, the Special Master has ruled on the materials seized in the raids on Michael Cohen’s office/hotel/storage unit, and the news is bad…for all parties involved who identify as “Michael Cohen.” Over a million pieces of evidence will be turned over to prosecutors.
Holy SHIT, bro. There aren’t a million pieces of evidence that I EXIST. Oh, and to ratchet things all the way to shit-your-pants terrifying for the Sez-Hoo Sensei, the FBI is even reassembling the papers you ran through the shredder. If I was you, Mikey, I’d take any plea deal that lets you take a half-hour walk in the prison courtyard once a month.
I see President Gas Station Urinal Cake’s crippling insecurity has once again led him to leak classified information in a pathetic attempt to impress people. This time he babbled about a clash in Syria involving Russian forces to a group of mega-donors. Ironically, and perhaps tragically, this betrayal of his sacred duty failed to net Drumpf even an iota of the respect he so desperately craves.
The Man Whose Fingers are as Tiny & Stunted as his Soul may finally have tried to lie a lie too big even for his craven congressional enablers. Trey Gowdy, a hack so partisan he kept his bullshit Benghazi investigation open as long as he possibly could in the vain hopes he’d at least turn up evidence that Huma Abedin was stealing office supplies, had to admit, “Nope. The Old Fucker pulled this straight out of his ass. His real ass, not the significantly smaller ass from Dr. Ronny Jackson’s report.”
This garbage is so tinfoil-hat-peppered-with-bat-crap nuts even Andrew Fucking Napolitano is debunking it. A conspiracy theory too nuts for that quack? That’s like a burger Jughead Jones refuses to eat.
Oh, the President of the United States held another Klan rally last night, that’s always nifty. Nothin’ quite like watching the leader of the free world lead a room full of feverish hateyokels in shrieking that immigrants are “ANIMALS” (But we’re just talking about the ones in gangs WINK WINK check out the plausibleness on that deniability!)
Hey, speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, the Genocidal Mustache Symbiotically Attached to John Bolton’s Lip has a new chief of staff! Fred Fleitz is one of Frank “Too racist for CPAC how is that even possible” Gaffney’s hate-vomiting sidekicks. A conspiracy-spreading fanatic with a history of lying his ass off to stoke anti-Muslim hatred, advising a President as racist as he is gullible? What could go wrong?
Hey, speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, we learned that Shart Garfunkel himself personally lobbied NFL owners on their revolutionary new Black Lives Matter? Nah! Anti-Kneeling policy. Dumbass still can’t competently discuss any issue from opioids to the Middle East to trade, and this is how he spends his time. “Black men standing up for their rights? NOT IN MY COUNTRY, MISTER!”
Sticking with the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, Louie Gohmert has been caught shortchanging promised donations to organizations benefiting victims of Dylann Roof’s massacre. Donations he promised to make in the first place because his campaign committee and PAC accepted funds from a white supremacist who “inspired” Roof. Helluva guy, that Louie Gohmert.
Oh, and speaking of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, a Harvard study reveals that the Shart Administration has been underreporting Hurricane Maria-linked deaths in Puerto Rico by a factor of ohhhhhhhh about 70, because why should the living get to hog all the dehumanization? Oppression in life, erasure in death. Stephen Miller is rock hard, I’m sure.
By the way, while we’re on the subject of the loathsome bigotry of the governing party, Fat Q*Bert finally weighed in on the Roseanne controversy, and while he couldn’t quite bring himself to say “Maybe virulent hatred of this sort is bad, and ought to be condemned,” he did launch into yet another self-pitying diatribe about how nobody ever apologizes to him for criticizing all the vile, putrid, revolting, things he says and does. The world’s tiniest violin shattered from overuse sometime in 2017, so fuck you, Donnie.
Gotta admit, I don’t quite get how Shartboy’s supporters look at this sad old fool, who whines like a sickly rich boy in a Victorian novel, and somehow see “strength.”
I see economic growth from the first quarter got downgraded, to 2.2%…look out, Donnie…you’re running out of room on Obama’s coattails!
The Senate Intelligence Committee (You know, the one that’s kinda sorta almost doing some semblance of its job, unlike a certain Pigfucker-led committee which shall remain nameless) shouted “Bring Me Roger Stone!” and then Mark Warner and Richard Burr high-fived for being so clever.
Betsy DeVos lost in court in this week, and it’s kind of dense, wonky, shit about loan forgiveness and privacy and it’s not super funny and honestly I didn’t read the whole thing but I thought you should know because Betsy DeVos lost, YAY!
The headlines tell me Kim Kardashian West met with the Grand Wizard Grifter to discuss prison reform. In related news, Sherrod Brown and Ben Cardin are planning an Oval Office meeting on the opioid crisis in which they would wear a two-man Snuffleupagus costume, with General Kelly playing along by pretending to not to be able to see them. Negotiations are currently at an impasse, however, over which Senator will occupy the costume’s back end.
If you need a little pick-me-up, you could do worse than this video clip of Sarah Slanders absolutely disintegrating when a 13-year-old student journalist asks her what her team of NRA stooges plans to do to alleviate the terror of being gunned down in school that our children have to live with nowadays. As the Uncredible Huck regurgitates her usual hollow spin, you can see the tiniest hint in her otherwise-dead eyes of “Sorry, kiddo…we’re the bad guys here, just pray the next shooter picks a school in the town down the road.”
Anyway, Laura Ingraham will have a deep dive on this kid’s shitty spelling test grades by Thursday.
(And if you want to turn right around and feel like crap again, click on this one from the Failing New York Times about Obama struggling to deal with his dung-gargling successor’s election.)
Ok, I gotta give you some good gnus after that. How about the Virginia State Senate voting to expand Medicaid under the ACA? That’s the shiny NEW Virginia senate, brought to you by the Resistance-fueled blue wave that swept through in 2017! That’s lives improved and saved, my friends. That’s what it’s all about. I know most of you are just like me, exhausted by all the bullshit and awfulness, impatient for the day when you get your chance to make a difference again…to vote again.
Well, that day is right around the corner. And let this huuuuuuuge victory in Virginia keep you warm on all the long dark nights between this moment and your fast-approaching opportunity…to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
And now WaPo reports the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits is on the brink of escalating his dumbfuck trade war with our closest allies! Tariffs for Canada, Mexico, and the E.U., sanctions relief for the Chinese espionage company, got it. Isn’t it fun when your economy rests in the hands of a malicious dipshit who filters international relations through the eyes of a grade school playground bully, with the intellect to match? (SPOILERS: no it is not fun.)
And from the last-minute scoop file, NYT reports Andrew McCabe, while serving as acting FBI director, wrote a memo, now turned over to Rugged Robert Mueller, describing a conversation where Rod Rosenstein says President Treasonweasel asked him to mention Russia in the memo he ordered Rod to write to justify the Comey firing. Memos within memos within memos.
…is anybody else sick of the expository phase of this story? Can we just skip to part where the good guys bust through the door and arrest all the crooks? Fuck.
WOW! And this is all just TWO DAYS since the last blog. The news couldn’t get any crazier unless a Russian journalist and Putin critic faked his own death in an elaborate plot to thwart an assassination attempt and trap the Kremlin-connected bastards who orchestrated it, OH SHIT YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
Anyway, as you can clearly see from the assembled evidence…shit be cray. Even by Drumpf-era standards, this has been an unusually brutal week, and it’s only Wednesday, so for mental health purposes, let me leave you with this delightful Weezer cover of Toto’s “Africa.” You deserve it.