Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ted Cruz is Not Wanking to This Post…OR IS HE?!?!
Wouldja believe I got my Monday night blog up like, six minutes before the Ted Cruz porn story broke? Luckily, America’s still laughing at America’s Most Punchable Senator, ironically pounding on himself.
Anyway, I’m wrapped up snugly in my pumpkin spice straightjacket, enjoying the shrieks of madness floating into my cell on the brisk autumn breeze. I could really go for a fucking scone, y’know?
Autocratic Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak, so nakedly criminal that DoJ is seizing his assets, checked into Trump’s D.C. hotel, presumably because these fucks are just trying to see what they can get away with now. Personally pocketing money stolen by a corrupt dictator from his people? “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” boasted Eric Drumpf, “We’re about to embark on a project where we work our way through all the Bond villain plots one by one, starting with Casino Royale!”
The Daily Beast tells us that Russian agents took their grand weaponization of the American Rube Army so far as to organize anti-immigrant protests on Facebook. Isn’t it great, knowing our angriest idiots can be stoked into a nationalist fury from an ill-lit Moscow basement for six rubles an hour?
And it turns out Hans von Spakovsky, from Kris Kobach’s Kooky Kulling Kommission, wrote himself a little letter saying how it would be a mistake to staff the panel with anything other than the most unhinged dudes from Klan militias, because Democrats believe that you should be allowed to vote EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT WHITE, THOSE CUUUUUUUUUCKS! Anyway, this guy’s asking for access to all your personal, private, voting data, sleep tight.
Hey, I guess the political leadership of the CDC sent out a memo telling its employees not to speak to media. Nifty! Why should the public have access to the Center for Freaking Disease Control?!? SHUT UP I’M NOT DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS, YOU’RE DEVELOPING AN EBOLA VIRUS.
The news ain’t all bad, though. We had some special elections last night, and we bumped off some Republicans, in some districts that voted for a certain Misshaped Traffic Cone as recently as last November. We’re buildin’ up that long-depleted bench, aren’t we? Damn, Bench. Lookin’ good, Bench. You’ve filled out since I saw you last, haven’t you? (Gives Democratic Bench “the eye.”)
And hey, turns out we’re all gonna get together and light up a fat one with…Orrin Hatch? Who knew? “Utah is America’s leading exporter of things that you could totally turn into a bong,” Hatch told reporters this afternoon, before retreating to his Capitol Hill office to listen to some early Cypress Hill.
The President With the Hugest Golf Pants sat down with Senator Tim Scott to discuss how maybe talking about how Charmin-soft-and-huggable Nazi terrorists are might not be the best thing for the country. The White House not only got Scott’s name wrong in their press release about the meeting, but they called him, of all things…Tom. Oy.
Would you be surprised to learn that Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet couldn’t be bothered to call our neighbor and ally, Mexico, to say “Hey bro, sorry to hear about that enormous earthquake you just had?” It shouldn’t, because that would have required empathy.
It seems Mike Flynn broke even more laws that we already knew about, failing to disclose a trip abroad to broker a deal between Russia and Saudi Arabia. Ere ye pass judgment, I ask of ye, who among ye hasn’t forgotten the odd excursion into international arms sales (did I mention the transaction involved arms sales? Cuz it totally did.)?
And when they say “the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree,” they clearly meant the Flynns, since Wee Mikey Junior is now being investigated by Team Mueller, just like his Pop! Maybe the apple will even roll into a cell right next to the tree, who knows?
Now while one National Security advisor abused his post to manipulate his Idiot Manchild boss on behalf of foreign paymasters, let’s look at an NSA executing her duties correctly.
After months of frothy screeching from the right about her dastardly Unmasking crimez, Susan Rice told the House Intelligence Committee just why she was so intent on spoiling the masquerade ball.
Turns out the crown prince of the UAE snuck into the U.S. to meet with some of the shadier members of the transition team without informing the U.S. government, a big naughty no-no (Not THAT kind, Senator Cruz. Calm down.)
And yes, that’s the same UAE that facilitated the backchannel, poor-man’s-Clancy-novel Seychelles meeting between Erik Prince and some random Putin stooge. You remember, the one Team Shart lied about until they got caught? Just another in the ongoing series of zany-ass coincidences and totally understandable memory lapses, right?
Getting back to Mueller, he’s said to have a “red-hot focus on social media,” which means he’s liking a bunch of my vacation photos on Instagram, right?
Hmmmm…kind of a slow news day. I mean, the Shart House Press Secretary called for a private company to fire an American citizen for criticizing the President. That happens all the time in America, right? Why, Taft cleared out half of Wells Fargo just on account of fat jokes.
Sanders also wants Justice to think about prosecuting Jolly Jim Comey for…well, presumably for setting off a chain of events that will land multiple members of the administration in prison. Anyway, Jeff Sessions‘ll be too busy pursuing charges against women who laugh at him, cuz there’re fucking MILLIONS of those, more every single day.
Oh, and I see Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag tried to stick us chump taxpayers with the bill for his honeymoon air travel! Fuckwad wanted an Air Force jet that runs 25,000 bucks…PER HOUR.
Between this, the security detail Betsy DeVos demands to keep the porridge-starved rabble away from her, and Sharty McFly himself bankrupting the Secret Service so he can golf every week, truly, this is a government of the common man. Sometimes…there’s so much populism in the administration…I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.
I see Jiggly HateMound Seb Gorka is trying to land a contract with Fox News, and also to begin some sort of murky “national security initiative” with his ol’ fascist drinking buddy, Steve Bannon. Sources tell me these discussions are mainly arguments centered on whether it would be cooler to transfer Hitler’s brain into a robot body (Gorka’s favored position) or that of a gorilla, possibly one with super-strength (that one’s Bannon).
Checking in on other corners of the right wing shitbagosphere, today we learned that Martin Shkreli is headed to jail, and that James Woods is a gross, slobbering pervert, chasing underage women. And I dunno…Pat Robertson probably ate a kitten on tv, I can’t keep up with all this shit.
Oh, never forget…not all Shitbags are famous! Take, for example, the Motel 6 in Phoenix, which has been stooging undocumented immigrants out to ICE. Norman Bates is like, “Dude, you’re besmirching the honor of cheap motels everywhere.”
Seriously, can you imagine? “I run a motel, but what I REALLY want to do is fuck up strangers’ lives.”
Shit folks, I see there’s a brand new Trump in the world, and a brand new Duggar besides. Jesus. Get to fuckin’, Resisters! We need to build the next generation before it’s too late!
No more news tonight. GET TO FUCKING.
Hang on…I’m sitting here working on this piece, and the news breaks that…Shartboy agreed to essentially pass the DREAM act in exchange for a border security package that doesn’t include the Big Stupid Wall?
What the fuck? Is he just going to do whatever Schumer and Pelosi (Schumlosi?) want him to do now? SHS is saying the wall isn’t off the table, but who the fuck knows what’s going on? One way or another, Chuck and Nancy really boxed the Shart of the Deal in here, so I cannot WAIT to see how the GOP reacts to this tomorrow…
UPDATE: I am told that Ann Coulter combusted.