Hey there Resisters, I had a little time tonight, and I thought I’d check in on the madness before the orderlies sedate me.

Princess Ivanka wants everyone to know that just cuz she’s a high-level Presidential advisor doesn’t mean it’s reasonable for people to expect her to influence the President.

…Yeah, that’s about par for the course in this George Miller wasteland we call…2017.

The Shart House communications staff can’t stay on message when it comes to why the President fired Comey, but they sure are consistent in wanting to see a successful black woman punished for criticizing the Grand Wizard President, aren’t they? Seriously, the executive branch is working harder to get Jemele Hill fired than they ever did to pass a health care bill.

Also, Secretary Mnuchin wants the filthy media to know that he only wanted the American taxpayer to fund his honeymoon because he needed a $25,000/hour jet for national security reasons! Everything Mnuchbag does is done only with national security in mind! That includes his trip to Fort Knox to watch the eclipse! And also the French maid outfit and ballgag Louise makes him wear around the house! IT’S FOR NATIONAL SECURITY!

Senate Majority Leader McConnell wants to do away with the blue slip process now that he’s in the majority, because obstruction is just for Republicans, don’tcha know. Careful, Turtle Boy, in 2021, when President Clooney appoints Sarah Silverman to the DC Circuit, you’ll miss those slips…

Hey, look-a here! Mike Flynn had YET ANOTHER undisclosed secret meeting with high-falutin’ fancypants types while being paid as an agent for foreign interests! Jar-Jar and Steve Bannon were there, too!

These secret meetings keep poppin’ up like dandelions, don’t they? Six months from now, we’ll uncover some rendezvous with the ack-ack-ack aliens from Mars Attacks!, where they offered to trade space weapons in exchange for the use of Stephen Miller as a sex slave (large, smooth foreheads are very sensual in Martian culture).

WaPo got ahold of a receipt showing that the Warped Pla-Doh Manatee charged the government more than a grand for an official’s two-night stay at Marm-a-Lago, back in March. He might not be much for legislatin‘, but Donnie Two-Scoops is meticulously grifting every last dime he can squeeze out of the U.S. Treasury.

Maybe next quarter when Drumpfy “donates his salary,” he’ll do it in the form of hotel vouchers for government employees? Maybe even port-a-potty tokens for the Secret Service?

Now-former-Sheriff Dave Clarke’s masters degree is being retained in solitary confinement without water, because Sheriff Dave is a lying plagiarist who took a bunch of other people’s work and said “This is A Sheriff Dave Jam,” which was a fat fucking lie. Can you get a Presidential pardon from grad school?  Asking for a murderous fuckwad.

Rugged Robert Mueller subpoenaed a bunch of records from Facebook about how Uncle Vlad’s Bot Army targeted the Kid Who Sat Next to You in High School and Ate His Boogers with Pizzagate conspiracy stories and whatnot. And will the trail eventually lead back to Jared Kushner’s ball pit? Time will tell…

Kris Kobach kontinues kourting komeuppance by konducting his Kulling Kommission’s kontacts using private, rather than government, e-mail accounts, in defiance of records-keeping laws. Kobach insists he’ll continue doing so, because what’s gonna happen? Is Jeff Sessions going to prosecute him for cutting corners in pursuit of their shared goal of Making the Electorate Lilly-White Again?

Speaking of the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard got smacked with a rolled-up newspaper in the courts again this week, in his attempts to punish Sanctuary Cities for refusing to turn their police forces into his personal immigrant-roundup Gestapo, in his ongoing quest to bleach the voting populace.

You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn the Sessions’ DoJ, which has recently stood up for the rights of LGBT Americans to be told “Fuck No You Can’t Buy a Cake Here,” and for the right Jeff Sessions to not be laughed at by no uppity broads, is now sticking up for the Grifter in Chief’s right to meet with/profit from folks at properties he owns without telling the American people just who’s bribing him. Surely, this is exactly the America Crispus Attucks envisioned with his dying breaths.

Did I miss the California state legislature declaring this Official Fart Directly in the President’s Mouth Week? They passed a resolution calling on the U.S. Congress to censure Shartboy for his Not All Nazis Charlottesville remarks. They passed a bill establishing themselves as a Sanctuary State. And for good measure, they passed a little bill requiring anyone who wants to get their fat orange ass on the California Presidential ballot to release five years worth of tax returns.

Ouch. What next, legally mandated medium rare steaks? Perhaps a ban on extra-extra-large white golf pants?

Word on the street is, there’s a hot new trend among the deplorable set: burning MAGA hats! Yes, it seems some of America’s shittiest white jags are all sad n’ pissy about Tangerine Idi Amin cuttin’ a DACA deal with his new besties, Pelumer, and only huffing the polyester fumes from cheap, made-in-China baseball caps can ease their pain.

SHOWER CAP SAFETY TIP: Don’t forget to take the cap OFF before igniting, kiddos.

Hey, Pennsylvania state rep Aaron Bernstine seems like a nice fellah, doesn’t he? I mean, talking about how eager you are to adopt the very same tactic a Nazi terrorist used to kill an American citizen is just the sort of thing a nice, Christian boy should do…right? I think I’ll take Aaron home to meet mom…but I’ll make sure she knows not to meet us in the driveway.

Congressstooge Dana Rohrabacher (R-Stalingrad) pitched John Kelly a deal where Julian Assange would “prove” Russia never fed Wikileaks any sweet sweet Podesta e-mails, on the condition that Dorito Mussolini gets Julian out of jail for free, because he’s tired of hanging out in the Ecuadorian embassy where there are no younger women to harass. Rohrabacher and Assange would then embark on a raucous road trip, accompanied by a camera crew, in hopes of pitching a reality show to Glenn Beck. It’s like Spring Break meets Creepy Old Douchebags.

Rohrabacher, perhaps worried that somebody somewhere might mistake him for a sane person, also blamed the violence in Charlottesville on…Civil War reenactors? Shit, you can say absolutely ANYTHING in the GOP these days, can’t you? I’m moving back to Kansas to run for governor on a platform of fighting the Flying Monkey infestation. Are you against that, Libtards? What are you, PRO-FLYING MONKEY? THEY KIDNAP CHILDREN FROM OUR MAJESTIC WHEAT FIELDS!!!!

A terrorist attack injured 29 in London on Friday. The American President, classy as ever, saw this as a golden opportunity for some fearmongering, pimping his shitty, racist travel ban. Especially weird, since Syrian refugees still haven’t killed anyone, while white supremacists are driving into crowd with homicidal intent.

For a little bit of extra fun, President Rube misinterpreted something he saw on Fux n’ Frenz (and let’s pause to quiver in horror at that phrase, and our understanding of its potentially apocalyptic consequences) and tweeted out a condemnation of British law enforcement for basically allowing an act of terrorism to take place, with absolutely nothing resembling evidence to support his inflammatory claim.

I tell you what, our next president could be a half-eaten Mars bar, and it’d still be greeted with worldwide parades upon taking office. Even if it was a dark chocolate Mars bar.

AP reports that leftover funds from the Marmalade Shartcannon’s pathetically-attended inauguration ceremony have not, as promised, been donated to charity, but have instead gone to redecorating Mike Pence‘s residence, presumably focusing heavily on his burgeoning Abusive Nursing Home Employee Pornography Library.

Shart supporters have rally envy, y’know. They see us turning out thousands, sometimes millions, and every now and then they make a pathetic attempt to match us. And they tend to fail, rather spectacularly. Today was no exception, has the “Mother of All Rallies” turned out a cartoonish handful of the Surly and Easily-Duped. And of course the Object of Their Affection wasn’t even in town to greet them, for it is the weekend, and he’s got golf, you gullible plebs.

Anyway, the Juggalos were more entertaining. And numerous.

Awwww…a Washington Examiner story alerts us to the plight of poor Shart campaign staffers being bankrupted by legal bills.  Hey fuckheads, nobody ever said that collaborating with a foreign power to take a sloppy shit all over your country would be cheap.  (Some of them blame Kellyanne Conway, and that, at least, I’m onboard with.)

As per usual, shit be cray. The sign language interpreter for this blog post is probably giving you a Captain Beefheart record, backwards and in Esperanto.

Well, enjoy your weekend, and be ready to get back on the phones come Monday, cuz Zombie Trumpcare IV, The Shartening looks to be rearing its ugly head…