Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
You’re Just Jealous Your Own Hitler Collection is Comparatively Unimpressive
I’m tired of hearing about inflation and jobs reports, what we need in this country is an insufferability index, measuring the degree to which our quality of life is impacted by the shrieking inanity of the American Right in decline. That number would be off the charts this week. The charts I just made up.
Well, Trump-appointed U.S. District Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk, citing junk science and authority granted nowhere in actual law, banned the abortion pill mifepristone, because he’d had quite enough of this women-having-bodily-autonomy hooey, thank you very much.
Now, I like having basic human rights removed by Federalist Society weirdos as much as the next fellow, but the electorate has sent no subtle signals since Dobbs. The American public will not passively submit to the revanchist whims of minoritarian zealots bent on shittiness for its own sake.
Of course, like so much of objective reality, this is proving to be a difficult concept for Republicans to wrap their wee minds around. They can’t quite figure out where this “youth vote problem” came from, but with thought leaders like Scott Walker and Kellyanne Conway on the job, I’m confident they’ll find a steady stream of creative excuses to avoid the obvious.
Poor Tim Scott tied himself in knots, and right when he’s launching what some feel obliged to pretend is a campaign for the Republican Party’s presidential nomination, too. Mockery aside, Tim doesn’t really need a good answer on abortion, or on anything at all, if we’re honest, given the, ahem, other obstacles he faces in the contest to lead the…y’know…the white nationalist resentment cult.
Actually, I think Texas Congressdolt Tony Gonzalez may’ve hit upon the solution: simply change the subject, and the issue will vanish into the cool night air! Women are flighty creatures, and once they’re restored to their natural station, they’ll be too busy with housework to even think about controlling their own bodies.
Yeah, I bet that works. I bet DeSantistan’s new six-week abortion ban never comes up during the entire presidential campaign, not once, cuz Ron cleverly signed the bill late at night, rather than in a showy, public ceremony. Curses! Outfoxed again, just like Disney!
I dunno. Given the ground he’s already ceding on the pudding issue, I don’t see it happening for DeSantis, though of course, you never really know what Republican primary voters will do, because their brains don’t work.
As predicted, Tennessee Republicans’re feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse over last week’s authoritarian shitfit. Seems nobody bothered to investigate procedural next steps before sending out invites to their big Excommunicate the Urban Black Guys party, so Justins Jones and Pearson barely had time to greet their new, national following before returning to work.
In addition to empowering those they sought to sanction, the other thing Tennessee Republicans accomplished was drawing the world’s attention to all the fashy shenanigans they’ve been up to of late. “Oh, um, yeah, we’re basically Hungary now. Tryin’ t’be, anyway!”
They sure had fun with their little expulsion vote, though.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t have to defend a plutocrat’s collection of Hitler memorabilia just because he bought Clarence Thomas’ mom’s house. Owning Hitler paintings is pretty fucked up, regardless of any Supreme Court Justices whose lavish lifestyles you may or may not be corruptly financing.
Another thing you don’t have to say out loud is that you think 12-year-olds should be allowed to marry. Meet Missouri State Senator Mike Moon, by the way. Oh, and “Moon’s support of the practice resurfaced during a committee hearing on a bill introduced by Moon that would ban gender-affirming care for transgender children,” which goes without saying, I suppose.
Missouri Republicans’re also working to defund libraries statewide, because it’s quicker than pulling the books about Black people off the shelves individually.
Surprise, surprise, Tucker Carlson’s tougher in his texts than in real life, where he submissively offered his platform up to the doddering fuckwit he once called “a demonic force, a destroyer,” to rant about all his favorite dictators.
And sure, that was pretty emasculating, but nothing a few hours under the ol’ scrotum tanning machine couldn’t fix. Tucker was back on his feet in no time, lionizing the 21-year-old jackass who perpetrated the most damaging national security breach in years to impress a handful of asshats in a Discord chat.
(Marjorie Taylor Greene is also a fan, no doubt believing Jack Teixeira will upload the Jewish space laser schematics as soon as he finds a spare moment.)
Fox News was sanctioned (yay, incidentally) for withholding evidence in the Dominion case, another gleaming example of that organization’s general trustworthiness.
Greg Abbott coulda sworn it was legal in Texas to gun Black Lives Matter protesters down in the street, and he’ll get right on that next legislative session, but for now, he wants the world to know he’s working as quickly as humanly possible to turn a convicted murderer loose.
As you’d imagine, a wingnut like Abbott doesn’t hand out a ton of pardons, but obviously this dude is a special case, given his proudly stated racism. Oh, and his fantasies about killing protesters. Which are documented. And specific. “Might have to kill a few people on my way to work,” that sort of thing.
Yeah, we’ve seen this behavior before, and we’ll see it again. Some wound-up, armed-to-the-gills loser goes cruising for a fight so he can shoot his way out of it. Call it Rittenhousing. And Abbott is far from alone on the Right in believing it should be completely legal. Which is fairly terrifying.
Governor Tate Reeves once again proclaimed Confederate Heritage Month in Mississippi. There’s no denying Tate keeps spirit of the Confederacy alive, overseeing the highest poverty rate and highest infant mortality rate in the nation. Truly, the South rose again that time Reeves led his state to the fourth-highest COVID death rate…in the world.
Well, their culture venerates failure, and I suppose we have to respect that.
Kevin McCarthy’s assclown caucus celebrated 100 days of Jim Jordan and James Comer Punching Themselves in the Groin on C-SPAN For Some Reason. It was a lot like Kevin’s election night party, for a lot of the same reasons.
There’s now an overpriced anti-trans beer to go with the overpriced anti-trans chocolate bar, for those who enjoy lighting their money ablaze in fleeting displays of petulant hate. Meanwhile, Bud Light’s enjoying all the free advertising that comes with being the official adult beverage of Not These Screeching Bigots, secure in the knowledge that, as Dan Crenshaw so elegantly proved, Republicans are too stupid to successfully boycott anything.
Seems like only yesterday we were laughing at Elon Musk for setting the Guinness World Record for losing money, but he turned everything around this week, by covering up the W in “Twitter” (GET IT HAW HAW HAW) on the side of a building, and trolling NPR into leaving his platform. He’s so good at business, I frequently weep tears of pure admiration.
Congratulations to Arizona state Representative Liz Harris, for being shitty and crazy and dishonest enough to get expelled from a Republican-controlled legislature. I’m honestly impressed. In the state party of Kari Lake and Mark Lamb and Sheriff Joe and the Bamboo Fiber Detection Squad, Liz not only found the line, but crossed it. You should be rewarded for that, with like, a syringe of artisanal, small batch horse dewormer or something.
I see George Santos uncovered the deep state plot to ban toilet paper, which one of ya squealed? Loose lips sink imaginary pizza restaurant basements, you guys.
While mining the news for blog content, I stumbled across an article about failed white nationalist gubernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano’s Slovenian techno-polka-heavy TikTok account, which I feel compelled to share with you here. “In February, for instance, he posted a video showing cartoons of a duck in various situations with the caption, “got any grapes?” set to a sped-up song by the artist Justine Skye.”
I do, Doug. Grapes were on sale this week, actually. Doug’s looking into losing another statewide election, for Senate this time, so he can spend some more of his pal Andrew Torba’s Gab money. Whatever.
Also returning Is J.R. Majewski, who lied about his military record en route to losing his last congressional election by 13 points, in the red wave that wasn’t. Majewski, you’ll recall, rose to MAGA prominence by painting Donald Trump on his lawn, which is the sort of thing swing voters usually go nuts for, so it must’ve been the valor theft.
A Donald Trump speech at an NRA convention is too fucking much for me on a Friday night, but check it out if you hate yourself, I guess.
Just a heads up, there still be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, April 21st, owing to commitments in my civilian identity, as mild-mannered beer drinker Clark Kent. I will see you all in two weeks. Until then, as ever, stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
party, so Justins Jones and Pearson barely had time to greet their new, national following before returning to work.
It WAS good, wasn’t it? They are so inept (Rethugs)…all they have is evil, but bunch of nimrods…
Awww, Cap, I miss you already and it’s not even next friday yet. . .I’
Thanks for the amazing research you do of our stupifyingly insane ‘leaders’ on our behalf, and do your neighbors worry more about the insane laughter or the screams of disbelief and dismay they hear from your place with dismaying regularity? Inquiring minds want to know. . .
I’m actually glad to hear you’re taking a break–I’d rather miss you for a weekend than hear news reports of a man in a bathrobe and a luchador mask, discovered in the wee hours of the morning after his neighbors were kept up by insane cackling, with his melted brains oozing from his ear and puddled on the linoleum.
Or, in other words, take as much ‘you’ time as you need to stay reasonably healthy, you have a following that would be devastated were your brains to leak out of your ears.
And, um, it might have been me. I told George Santos the country was about to outlaw money, going to a strictly barter/blowjobs economy for the immediate future, a couple of weeks ago.
Oops. Still not sure how he got to toilet paper out of what I told him, but hey, his brain is three week-dead cats chasing an immortal vole inside his skull, so we can expect pretty much anything to drool from his mouth-hole.
I’ve been dreaming of the judge overseeing the Dominion defamation suit becoming so incensed with their blatant scofflaw behavior that, at the culmination of the trial, he awards Dominion seven trillion dollars in punitive damages because FoxCorp is such a bleeding pile of arsewipes. Yeah, I know it’s just a dream, but the vision of the entire administration and all of the talking heads committing ritual seppuku afterwards is curiously warming to me.
Especially since, in my fantasy, they do it on prime-time for the Fox audience to marvel at. . .
I’m eagerly awaiting the death of the Republo-Theo-Fascist party, hopefully whimpering pathetically as they drown in the deep river of horse dewormer filling the Grand Canyon. Yeah, yeah, more dreams, but at least these are only nightmares for the part of the country that richly deserves such a fate.
No, it’s not my fault that I laid toilet-paper trails across the dewormer from one side of the canyon to the other in my dream, and labeled them “Republican-verified safety trails”. Um, well, maybe it is, but I was mostly unconscious at the time. I swear!
Yeah, I’m already feeling the future shock of not being able to read a new blog next weekend, and this is the kind of place my mind goes when I’m jonesing for more Shower Cap. But I promise I’ll only whimper for a few minutes next Friday. Probably.
Keep it real, Cap, have fun, do what you need to do, and be as safe as you can while doing it. Hoist one for everyone in America, your fans or not, and pray that someone, somewhere, infects an American with overwhelming sanity. And starts a serious pandemic of overwhelming sanity. Which leads to everyone in America catching overwhelming sanity, and gives you a couple of weeks break before MTG blames the overwhelming sanity on the Democrats. . .
Hasta la pasta, dude, see you on the other side.
Ooooh, I love the idea of an insufferability index. It WOULD be off the charts, whether you made ’em up or not. Jesus, how the heck have we survived, Cap?
Ah Cap… a gloriously hysterical bit of snark this week. Bright blessings on your beer fridge. May it never be empty of your favorite grog 🥳😂
Have fun the next couple of weeks, Cap! Thanks for the uplifting column at the end of this week!
I don’t have the heart to watch Doug Mastriano’s anything, but there is a reference there. Around the “Baby Beluga” time (which, if taken literally, is a song about a drowning whale in terrible distress), was this mysterious thing:
I never really got it.
Thanks for coining a new and unfortunately useful word “Rittenhousing”. I’ll be sure to remember that one. Also, thanks for warning us that you’ll be taking a much-deserved break next week. We’ll miss you, but since we know you’ll be having a good time and refueling your talent reservoir, it will be worth it. Your coverage of the week’s madness was super, and allowed me to laugh at all of the rake-stepping all over again.
Take care, Cap, and have a wonderful time.
Hysterical as always. Enjoy your much needed break next week, Cap. May it be filled with suds and love. 🍺❤
No blog next week?! I shall have to make do with the Ironic Times for gags on Mondays (https://www.ironictimes.com/) and maybe the Rude Pundit for profanity on whenever (https://rudepundit.blogspot.com/) to fill in, not that they can. But try them if you don’t know about them, fellow Cap addicts.
Stay hydrated, it lessens the severity of the hangover. Will miss you next week, have a good time.
Hey Cap, great to have you back at full strength. Enjoy your break and we’ll catch you in a couple of weeks.
Wonderful, wonderful stuff, Cap. Enjoy your break; you deserve it for wading through this cesspool week after week so we don’t have to.
As always, I wait for your columns and save them as “the best for last” in my morning. Enjoy your week off. We’ll be here waiting for your return. ♥️
Only thing I had about the whole “woke beer” tiff is that Kid Rock is suddenly getting mentioned again – which I am sure that’s just what that washed up has-been was hoping for. I can never decide if it would be better to point out the stupid antics of these lunkheads or just ignore them.
Anyway, Cap, enjoy your time off. Love the column.
Fantastic as usual! I’ve been lurking for a good while! (Wasn’t this column more frequent? That’s how long.) I think I found you on Daily Kos, maybe. I don’t remember, but I’ve been wanting to contribute monthly, but haven’t yet. Until today! I will continue to chip in for your beer, now that I’ve drug my 65 year old ass somewhat into the modern world (Venmo)! Your columns are outrageously hilarious and I’ve taken to using the “stepping on a rake” metaphor pretty regular in my everyday life. Love your stuff. Trae Crowder is another favorite.
Keep up the good work! Thanks
I don’t know how you do it. I thought I had a good bead on all the madness but I had to come here to learn about the War on Loo Paper. All I had was the QAnon lady who thinks the Deep State is putting 5G technology in toilet paper.
We’ll be suffering from withdrawal but don’t mind us, Cap, enjoy your week off. You’ve earned it.
Glad to see you’re taking a mental health break from all the madness, Cap. Just three quick points –
America is gun sick and dying.
The Repuglican party is destroying itself daily and deeply, may they never recover.
Maybe it’s our age or the pandemic or the stupidity, but we’ll never travel to all the states we planned to visit in retirement. America is broken.
Taking a week off? I have started practicing already, sitting on the floor, hugging my drawn up legs, and rocking, while I mumble, drool, and have occasional bursts of unfortunately loud, maniacal laughter. Laughter that, by itself and without context, can frighten away wild and domesticated animals, children, and attractive, intelligent women.
If you haven’t commented on it already, I’d love to read your take on the former teacher and mother of 4, who now considers herself to have received a calling from God. God, it turns out, wants her to be a porn star. The Christian Right really are trying to take over every aspect of life in America.
On a side note: Small batch, artisanal horse dewormer? It better be God-damned pumpkin spice.