- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Why Are You Even Reading This, Instead of Dying For the Economy?
When we tell the stories of these batguano-coated days to our grandchildren, the sudden appearance of murder hornets is when they’re gonna roll their eyes and tell us we’re full of shit. Fuck ‘em. They weren’t there. We had to live through all this crap:
Many have pointed out that President Crotchvoid seldom expresses sympathy for the tens of thousands of American victims of the COVID-19/Golfin’ Thru February Team-up, but boy howdy he sure was delighted to see his murderous chum Kim Jong-un up and about after a rumored secret demise. If social distancing ends before the Shart’s much-anticipated firing, expect him to invite his lil’ buddy over to pose for a brand-new challenge coin, embracing tightly atop Otto Warmbier’s grave.
Crews are working around the clock, blast-cleaning the Lincoln Memorial in hopes of removing the stench of authoritarian propaganda, experimental hair tonic, and overcooked steak farts that persistently lingers following Tangerine Idi Amin’s sad little Fux Nooz “town hall” staged right at Honest Abe’s disapproving feet. Addressing a fearful nation amidst a crisis with no end in sight, the doddering old jackass whined that Lincoln had it good compared to poor, put-upon, Donald J. Trump (the J stands for Jeez, I Wish Somebody WOULD Treat Him Worse Than Lincoln JUST KIDDING, SECRET SERVICE), because accountability = assassination when you’re a narcissistic talking scrotum tumor.
Speaking of Lincoln, guess who’s under Orange Julius Caesar’s skin (having burrowed through half an inch’s worth of congealed spray-tan lotion to get there, ew) today? A conglomeration of Never-Trump Republicans calling themselves the Lincoln Project, that’s who! Their brutal new ad “Mourning in America,” (GET IT?) prompted a presidential meltdown the likes of which we haven’t seen since…well, since he told us all to chug Lysol a few days ago; times are strange. Anyway, it seems Dr. Dotard understands the Streisand Effect about as well as he does international trade, or the mysterious mechanics of the wily umbrella.
Possibly the single most ‘Murican thing ever occurred in Michigan, when a lady didn’t like it when a security guard at the Family Dollar said her daughter needed to wear a mask, and so she went home to fetch her family, who proceeded to shoot the guard to death. Fuck, that’s awful. Also it’s a perfect, bloody, metaphor for the way the deranged selfishness of a rage-filled minority with demented ideas about “freedom” is getting the rest of us killed.
The Turdmaggot Administration has banned Dr. Anthony Fauci and the other members of the coronavirus task force from testifying before the House, because they really think they can hide 70,000+ corpses under the rug in the guest room. Honestly, you almost can’t blame them for pursuing the Lie Until the Problem Goes Away strategy that’s served them so well these past three years, but this is getting embarrassing. Watching Jar-Jar assure us this whole COVID-19 thing is as good as whipped is like watching two fifth-graders in a trench coat trying to buy tickets for a Tarantino movie. (Incidentally, Kid Nepotism’s crappy hair metal cover band, Jared Kushner and the Inexperienced Volunteers, will be opening at Klan rallies ‘round the country, sooner than is probably safe!)
Operation: Coronavirus? What Coronavirus? continues on other fronts as well, with a giddy new stooge nominated to take over the principal deputy inspector general post at Health and Human Services from Christi A. Grimm, who mistakenly believed her job was to inform the American people of the truth about Sharty McFly’s failures rather than covering them up with scratch-n-sniff stickers. We’re about a week away from Eric n’ Junior breaking into hospitals to scrawl NUH-UH in crayon on all the death certificates.
Meanwhile, leaked documents reveal the Why Won’t Those Expendable Serfs Leave Me Alone to Golf in Peace Administration’s own models project 3,000 coronavirus deaths daily by June, on account of the whole “suicidal reopening of the economy” thing. The good news is, these clowns have found an alternate model that believes all deaths will magically stop by the end of next week, based on the world-renowned Just Making Shit Up school of epidemiology.
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo says he has just oodles and oodles of proof that the coronavirus was concocted in a Chinese laboratory as part of a failed attempt to duplicate McDonald’s secret Big Mac sauce, only you can’t see the proof because he left it at his girlfriend’s house, you wouldn’t know her, she goes to another school and her parents are real strict so she isn’t allowed out much. Naturally, every other intelligence agency in the world disputes this, but hey, if we’ve got to destabilize the global order to keep the same 25% of the American electorate perpetually inflamed with racist hatred, so be it.
Meanwhile the Shart Administration keeps skipping international meetings to coordinate the global response to the pandemic, because it’s America’s turn to bring snacks, and Donnie Two-Scoops remains a cheapskate at heart. Also because he’d rather maintain his asinine Pin the Blame on the World Health Organization posturing than actually find a vaccine or a cure for this little bastard. Fuck, y’all, just once, ONCE during this shitshow, I would like the President to do something in the interest of the United States and her citizenry. Leave us a little mint on the pillow, SOMETHING.
Well, the GOP’s 2020 campaign strategy is coming into focus, and I confess, I’m curious to see how DIE FOR OUR DONORS looks on a shitty red ballcap. See, Republicans are tired of all you filthy takers, thinking your lives “have value” or “mean something.” You disposable peons are failing in your duties as profit centers for the über-wealthy! You’re not out there working for barely-livable wages, you’re not buying shit, and now you’re saying you deserve bailouts more than our precious corporations? Hell to tha no, peasants! Like they say in The Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy dying!”
Yes, failing to understand that the sole reason they haven’t been dragged into the street by angry mobs is that our side is too smart to gather in crowds right now, the Republican Party has decided to lean into their Turd Emperor’s catastrophic failures, embracing a controversial I Mean Yeah There Are Things We Could Do To Save Lives, But They’re Hard And We Don’t Wanna strategy to “fighting” the coronavirus. Chris Christie, for example, demands Americans accept massive numbers of non-Chris Christie deaths. And Hairplug Himmler himself, a man who is afraid of stairs, tells us we need to be “warriors,” willing to lay down our lives that he may be reelected, and enjoy the sweet, sweet, legal immunity of his office for four more years.
…it ain’t exactly the St. Crispin’s Day speech, y’know? No, like the overwhelming majority of Americans, I do believe I shall remain snug in my thoroughly-disinfected apartment for the time being, thank you very much.
For his Senate confirmation hearing as DNI, Rabid Froth Fountain John Ratcliffe cosplayed a normal human being and promised he’d be a very good boy and not at all a willing accomplice in Dorito Mussolini’s ongoing quest to decimate American democracy for personal profit. (I was particularly impressed that John-John got through the whole session without flinging a single fistful of his own poo at the wall; as his previous performances on the other side of congressional hearings demonstrate, such restraint is difficult for him.) You creeps can’t fool us with this shit; we remember William Barr. One day he’s all, “the rule of law is super rad and I am all for it!” but once he’s in office, it’s more, “the Constitution clearly states that we’re allowed to imprison migrant children in your basement if you voted for Hillary.”
Anyway, fantastic news broke while I was drafting this piece: the coronavirus is winding down! Man, I can’t wait to go to restaurants and movie theatres and clown orgies and coffee sh-hang on, I think I may’ve read that wrong. Yes. I see my mistake. It’s the coronavirus TASK FORCE that’s winding down. The one operating out of the White House. Like, the official government response team. To the pandemic. Um.
Full disclosure, I have no government experience, I lost the only election I ever stood for*, but this seems kinda like throwing the parachutes out the window two minutes after the plane runs out of fuel, like getting your foot caught in a bear trap and gnawing off your hands, like some third thing I’m too drunk to come up with right now. Basically it’s really fucking stupid, is my point.
Fuck. And people wonder why I drink. I mean, people don’t actually wonder why I drink, I was just trying to transition into the last paragraph. And hey look, it worked, here we are. Stay safe out there, Resisters, can’t have ya gettin’ sick, we need every vote come November!
*Vice President of the high school drama club. It was close, but I refused to pander and become a puppet of Big Improv.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I was Vice President of the Video Game club in highschool. I would bring my gamecube controllers with the thumb grips chewed off by my little brother that no one wanted to use and I still did a better job than mother’s favorite
I read it because Mark Meadows, my former Rep frm ASHEVILLE, is still goddam calling shots— now from the White House.
I read it because I spray painted that mother fuckers billboards in the dead of night.
I am coming for you Mark Meadows-/- you condescending, hulking, fake-smiling, pusillanimous fucking goddam CHRISTIAN.
I read it because everywhere I go there is discontent and side-ways glances as I tell that goddam prick behind me at Home Depot— as I wear my fucking face mask you idiot—- TO GET SIX FEET BEHIND MY ASS.
I feel better now.
I’ll now go out in the middle of the night and dig some more goddam holes for my blueberry plants as the motherfuckers INTEND TO STARVE US.
Fat chance. I know how to garden for u see I HAVE A GODDAM MOTHERFUCKING BRAIN.
So back off u useless white male crackers as we r coming for u and it’s ME OR YOU.
Who u gonna call?
Trump busters. I am the woman on the freeway with the “V is for vendetta” symbol on my car.
That’s right: I just blew past yr slow ass. You have no idea what I am capable of.
Damn woman, I love you! They have no idea what we are capable of. Maybe the Murder Hornets will help in someway.
My name is Diana and along with you and our Chronicler I am still laughing
I just wanted to say that I always get a kick out of you calling Jared, Jar-Jar. It is the perfect name for him. But, Good-Golly-Miss-Molly, the reply that got here before me was extremely intense. I hope this person will be ok. Things are bad now, and won’t improve anytime soon, but what can happen fairly quickly is that we’ll be getting rid of trump in November. According to Tom Joseph, maybe even sooner as impotus succumbs to his – more obvious every day – brain disease. Thanx Cap.
JK (wish those initials stood for “ just kidding”) = Jar-Jar Blinks? You knew the franchise was headed towards the toilet the instant he appeared, much like this administration.
I didn’t really realize that Orangeface hasn’t done ANYTHING to help us against the virus–nothing at all–until I read what you said, you know, about him not doing anything to help us…. Sorta hit me in the gut. It’s so freaking sad. And infuriating.
Gotta get rid of that bastard. November can’t come soon enough.
I agree. Unfortunately, we have to survive until late January
Wow the freak in the White House craps on everyone. I like his little dramatic pauses before he comes out to lie to the American people. Calling what he has done “success”….I’d call it a mound of scrotum pus and as you so poetically put it our “batquano-coated days”. I find it interesting that the only thing our fat-shart of a president uses the war powers act for is to force meat-plants to open, thus not only putting the whole world into an endless loop of re-infection from US meat traveling the world with Covid-19 or its NEW STRONGER VIRUS hiding inside just waiting for human stupidity to reach level 0 but also killing off more of us and more of the meat plant workers every day! Such fun he gets up to. He and his admin are gonna face their fate someday. Cuz he loves him some hamburglers and Americans they love their meat. I can’t wait to see his fat fleshy face gasping for air like a fish out of water. He and they are just so evil they deserve everyone sane in this country to laugh as their deeds are uncovered in full measure of their crimes against humanity. They haven’t got a clue what we are capable of.
You surpassed yourself tonight, Cap! Lots of rueful laughter. Thanks.
well done cap.
btw-I have yet to hear back from the wash d.c. building dept if I need a permit before erecting the gallows on the the white house front lawn.
stay safe
Well, wouldn’t you just know? Our MD county, Worcester, has done a remarkable job keeping COVID down to 60-some cases, even while being sandwiched between Wicomico (MD) w/500+ and Sussex (DE) – a poultry-processing Paradise – w/2500+. The locals, many older and/or compromised, have been playing by the rules, as have intrepid local merchants who are still open, bless their essential hearts. So…like the Amity mayor before him, Ocean City MD Mayor Meehan has decided to open the resort town (already a MAGAt magnet) to invading UNMASKED hordes beginning this Saturday. So much for my fragile beloved spending his waning days fishing from our favorite spot. To think…we worked our whole lives to spend our golden years confined to quarters thanks to President Golden Showers and the craven cretins who put/keep him in office. Always heard life is unfair, but this is beyond the pale. You, Cap, and a handful of sadly-remote pals, keep us afloat. May you live long & prosper.
“Crews are working around the clock, blast-cleaning the Lincoln Memorial in hopes of removing the stench of authoritarian propaganda”
We can clean it with Lysol. But the Maggots are no longer a fan of Lysol, they want their GAME CHANGER HCQ because Democrats would rather see people die, than let them use HCQ.
“The Democrats, the radical left, whatever you want, would rather see people — I’m going to be very nice. I’m not going to say “die.” I’m going to say would rather see people not get well because they think I’m going to get credit if, you know, hydroxychloroquine works. And I don’t want the cre- — I don’t care about it. I have nothing to do with it, by the way.”
Turdmaggot has a lot to do with it. But Dr. Bright probably saved lives by preventing widespread use of HCQ
Dr. Rick Bright, in his Whistleblower Complaint says Maximum Leader wants to kill us with HCQ. Bright was fired because he was opposing HCQ and working on a Vaccine against COVID-19.
“He alleges he was reassigned to a lesser role because he resisted political pressure to allow widespread use of hydroxychloroquine, a malaria drug favored by Trump. He said the Trump administration wanted to “flood” hot spots in New York and New Jersey with the drug…”
“Bright alleges in the complaint that political appointees at the Department of Health and Human Services tried to promote hydroxychloroquine “as a panacea.” The officials also “demanded that New York and New Jersey be ‘flooded’ with these drugs, which were imported from factories in Pakistan and India that had not been inspected by the FDA,” the complaint says.”
Bright tried to stop the Plague. There were repeated warnings about COVID-19, including a meeting with WHO on Jan. 20. The warnings were ignored. Just like 9-11. But Bright also reported John Clerici, lobbyist for BigPharma was pimping for the CEO of Aeolus Pharmaceuticals, a friend of Jar-Jar Jared Kushner.
I hate to be petty when you’re providing generous links, Cap, but try to link to a video that doesn’t have a goddam ad attached–Unlike WaPo,YouTube didn’t subject me to IBM before showing me “Mourning in America.” God, I hate having to watch a commercial before viewing a commercial. ‘Course I’d really like to strangle WaPo, since I pay for digital access anyway…
Reading these comments, I realize that I am not the only one with visions of torches and pitchforks. (Cap, I cannot figure out how to chip in to your beer fund, and I want to get your comic book. I would appreciate an email with remedial instructions.)
Nobody says it better, Cap. “Die for our donors” is the perfact way to put it, when it comes to how the Covid19 pandemic is being handled with the next election coming.
You know he has the uneducated low IQ vote in his pocket. He is going after the pity vote.
Oh, poor Don the Con. No body loves me everybody hates me.
Vote for me or I will cry. He makes me sick.
You mentioned Otto Warmbier’s grave. It reminded me of another name that sounded similar.
He is nothing like this guy. Look up this NAZI, Oskar Dirlewanger. Put his picture next to Trump’s Steve Miller. I can’t do it it scares me too much
Thank you, it was a pleasure to read and draw certain conclusions for myself.