Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
With Moore Gone, Can We Have ONE DAY Without Republican Pervert News? Blake Farenthold Says NOT TODAY!
It is a goddamn miracle I sobered up from my Holy Shit AlaFuckingBama Elected a Democrat to the Senate festivities.
Since then I have subsisted entirely on think pieces about What a Comical Fuckup Steve Bannon is for Losing Diet Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s Seat. They have been so plentiful, I am engorged to the point of needing to unbutton my pants.
And of course Mitch McConnell has invoked Calvinball rules to avoid seating Jones until he’s passed that tax bill everybody not named Mercer or Koch loathes. Everybody’s posting videos of Yertle taking the exact opposite position when it was Republican Scott Brown who won a special election a few years back, which I find amusing because these people imagine Mitch has shame.
Anyway, let’s give big shout-outs to everyone on the team who made this possible! To the women who came forward to report Roy Moore’s history of abuse, to the journalists who dug up the story, to every Resister in America who forked over a few bucks or phone banked for the cause, to the NAACP for their badass GOTV efforts, to Tom Perez and the DNC for focusing on ground game rather than tv ads, and most of all to the amazing coalition of Alabama voters, especially African-American men and women, who did the actual votin’. Nice work!
…and of course, to Steve Bannon, for being such a colossal fucking loser. Alabama, dude? If David Axelrod went undercover in disguise to fuck up the GOP candidate’s campaign on purpose, he couldn’t have lost Alabama.
Let’s also laugh at Cory Gardner, for his helpful suggestion that Jones vote like the dude he just beat. Long as we’re fantasizin’, Cory, maybe Ted Cruz’ tongue will fall out and Marco Rubio will start shitting golden eggs. Good luck, bro.
I for one will miss Roy Moore’s team of creepy idiot surrogates, who I am told will now form a touring theatre company that performs only a politically-incorrect musical reimagining of To Kill a Mockingbird told from Bob Ewell’s perspective.
Speaking of perverts, Sarah Huckabee Sanders promised the media a list of eyewitness accounts that would exonerate the Marmalade Shartcannon in the face of his ever-expanding list of sexual harassment/assault accusers.
After a tense Oval Office meeting in which she had to repeatedly insist, “No, Eric’s stuffed animals do not count as eyewitness,” Sanders belched up the names of a few randos, most of whom were demonstrably not in any of the rooms where the alleged incidents occurred.
In two days, she’ll be yelling at Jim Acosta for not accepting the matter as closed.
New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand criticized Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops while female, thus bringing his futile, impotent, tiny-fingered wrath down upon her head. He tweeted something juvenile about how Gillibrand offered to do sex things to his all-but-imperceptible-to-the-naked-eye wiener in exchange for campaign donations, of course with his traditional layer of plausible deniability, because in addition to his myriad other flaws, the President is a coward.
Anyway, God only knows how much money you raised for the Senator, so y’know, congratulations on punting yourself squarely in the scrotum, Mr. President. Again.
Did she quit because Stephen Miller flew into a racist rage as the Alabama results rolled in? Or did she beg for a Cabinet post and attempt to storm the Residence, only to be ejected by the Secret Service? Rumors are abundant…but I don’t actually give a fuck.
Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein defended the Mueller investigation before the House Judiciary Committee, which really shouldn’t be necessary, but it turns out one of America’s great political parties has devoted itself to protecting a cheap crook from legal consequences.
The GOP position seems to be that for anyone in the FBI to think badly of Shart Garfunkel is essentially a crime, and I tried a couple of jokes at the end of this sentence, but actually that’s just kind of horrifying, isn’t it?
Like, the idea is that Trump has the right to be investigated solely by boot-licking toadies like Louie Gohmert? That dissent is disqualifying? That Democrats are, by definition, ineligible to serve in law enforcement?
Rabid Howler Monkey Jim Jordan blathered about how the texts of a single, since-fired FBI agent prove that Mueller hired Tom Clancy to Wag-the-Dog up the whole Russia story from thin air to bring down a cherubically innocent Donald Trump. Now, it doesn’t make sense, but it’s pinballing around the right-wing media at lightspeed, and the FBI’s villainy will be carved in stone within two weeks, mark my words.
Don’t believe me? I have two words for you. Benghazi, and Benghazi.
Jimbo, the overwhelming majority of the the American people recognize Trump for the grifting scumfuck that he is. YOU are the minority.
Resisting Trump is so dang patriotic, the ghost of Norman Rockwell is painting us. It’s like, bald eagles, apple pie, resistance, and baseball, in that order. It’s just a handful of morality-challenged, resentment-driven ragebeasts like you left defending him. And as Virginia and Alabama have shown, we are right outside your door, pal. We. Will. Replace. You.
In a welcome rebuke to our government’s sudden hard-on for authoritarianism, a judge dismissed inciting a riot charges against six Inauguration Day protesters. Yeah, with the government arguing that merely attending a protest where anybody else damages property makes YOU liable for rioting and inciting and god knows what else, I’m more grateful than ever for the Sarandon/Stein Hillary’s-just-as-bad types.
The Government Accountability Office says Il Douche broke the law in attempting to withhold funds from a Department of Energy research office. Yeah, we’re doing away with energy research so Darrell Issa can have more walkin’-around money. America’s gonna be Great Again any minute now, I promise.
Speaking of cuts, Team Shart wants to trim more than half a billion from the Counterterrorism budget becaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuse…we’re…too safe, maybe? Cutting the Air Marshals’ budget? While giving corporations massive tax cuts? If anybody needs me, I’m on the phone with the Oxford English Dictionary complaint line…there’s something wrong with their definition of “populism.”
President Crotchvoid withdrew his nomination of Brett Talley for a federal judgeship for the TOTAL CUCK REASON that Talley is a former “ghost hunter” who failed to disclose his marriage to a White House lawyer and also talked about how rad the KKK was and oh yeah he’s never even tried a case.
And hey, Smallhands Magoo drew a fresh new sexual assault accuser! It’s like an advent calendar of perversion and horror. Wheeeeeee.
The two biggest idiots in the right wing fuckheadosphere (and yes, I realize that’s like saying “the two least funny Marmaduke cartoons”) hatched a little plot to bring down Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. They decided to frame Chuckie with a sexual assault accusation, cooking up a comically obviously forged lawsuit document, breaking some fairly significant laws in the process. Schumer went straight to police, so maybe these Dumber Than Jimmy O’Keefe How is That Even Possible clods will get some sweet-ass jail time.
Shart, Jr. testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee for 9 hours today, but sources tell me most of that time was spent removing a wad of chewing gum the bumbling manchild absentmindedly stuck in his own hair while trying to remember his middle name.
If the Drumpf administration is creating any jobs at all, it’s in the various Cabinet departments’ inspector general’s offices. EPA honcho Scott Pruitt drew a fresh investigation, this time over his $25,000 soundproof wanking booth.
We keep learning more about how GOP CongressPerv Blake Farenthold is basically a Garbage Pail Kid. Will the party of “family values” force him to resign? Joke’s on you, libtards! The only family value is tax cuts for the wealthy!
Oh, hey, this is neat! The Shart Administration won’t tell us how many American troops are deployed in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria! It’ll just be a neat little surprise for the VA when they show up, I guess. “Oh, we don’t have enough beds? Those tricksy Trumpsters, they got us again!”
Well, the net neutrality vote is tomorrow, and the conference committee has their hastily-scrawled tax bill, and they’ll rush to pass it before they’ve even read it (in fairness, that would require Senator Johnson of Wisconsin to first learn to read), so…we’re gonna lose a few in the next month or so. The GOP still holds the keys, after all.
But when shit looks darkest, Resisters…hold onto Alabama. Hold onto Virginia. And the goddamn midterms are closer every day.
And shit is so goddamn cray that doctors are burning their fucking initials into their patients’ fucking livers.
I’m gonna leave you with one Disgusting Awful Thing and one Heartwarmingly Awesome Thing. The Disgusting Awful Thing is, apparently the Daily Stormer has a “style guide.” Gross.
The Awesome Thing? Joe Motherfuckin’ Biden. Always Biden.