Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Admit It. By the Time the Sun Went Down, You’d Already Forgotten About Ronny Jackson.
You know how sometimes in old westerns, towards the end, the bad guys break out a bigass crank-operated Gatling gun? The news this week is like one of those guns, only full of bat guano.
Mick Mulvaney chided a group of bankers for not bribing Congress hard enough, that was a thing that happened. See, he wants to destroy the agency he’s acting head of, and goshdarnit, he can’t do it alone! He needs those noble lobbyists to roll up their sleeves, open their checkbooks wide, and go buy him as many CongressPuppets as they can afford! Otherwise, how do you expect to get back to the glory days of predatory lending and exorbitant fees? HELP ME HELP YOU KEEP OUR WORKING CLASS FOREVER ENSLAVED BY THE BANKING SYSTEM, PEOPLE!
Ben Carson wants to triple the rent on the very poorest Americans living in public housing, because that guy in the portrait with him isn’t Jesus, but Barry Goldwater in a really elaborate Jesus costume. Sorry, less-fortunate folks…Dr. Ben needs those apartments to store grain.
Lemme give a little good news to chew on before we go any further, like a wad of Hubba Bubba to help you get through a tour of a sewage treatment plant. We did well in the latest round of special elections Tuesday night!
No, we didn’t quite pick up Trent “Oh so now it’s wrong to ask your staff if you can fuck them for money” Franks’ old seat, but we swung it 16 points from 2016, and if we keep up that pace come November? That’ll do, Pig. That’ll do.
Team Shart’s first big fancy state visit was…something. Smallhands Magoo grabbed French President Emmanuel Macron by the EVERYTHING. It was a very touchy little bromance, including a sad little ritual with the Hairplug That Ate Decency mumbling something about his counterpart having dandruff SEE THAT FEMALES? DESPITE MY ADVANCING AGE AND THINNING HAIR I AM STILL SURELY THE MORE DESIRABLE MATE.
But yeah, Emmanuel was all smiles and flattery so the Shart just loved him so much that he probably didn’t even notice the lengthy speech he gave to Congress essentially shitting on every single thing he does and stands for. Still, I’m sure Stephen Miller seethed in his office, “CUCKED! BY A FROG!”
(One quick sidebar from the Macron visit: as we see, every world leader understands how to manipulate Drumpf. Kiss his ass a bit, and he’s putty in your hands. And because you have normal hands, instead of little inadequate baby ones, you can shape him however you want. Everyone on Planet Earth knows this about the President of the United States, and that is not good.)
It wasn’t so long ago that Dr. Ronny Jackson was a well-respected man in a prestigious, high-paying post. And then Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “How Are There Still People Willing to Work for Me?”) came into his life. Now the whole world knows about his seemingly unethical prescription-dispensing practices, his workplace hostility, and what seems to be a substantial substance abuse problem for which I hope he gets the help he needs.
So now, his reputation permanently shipwrecked on those doughy orange shores, Jackson will slink away to join that ever-expanding club for ruined laughingstocks. There’s a decent discount at the bar, but Mooch never leaves, and he never ever ever shuts his fucking mouth.
Shit, Dr. Ronny…look what you have to look forward to! Sean Spicer, who only a year ago strode through the highest halls of power, a genuinely important man, now gets to host wax museum openings! “By Grabthar’s Hammer…what a likeness!,” right, Sean?
Meanwhile, Sharty McFly proclaimed Kim Jong-un, a murderer who keeps millions in extreme poverty while living a lavish lifestyle paid for by their toil and torment, “honorable.” I’m starting to think our President is not a very good judge of character.
Trumpal Lawyer/Fixer/Jaggy Thug Friend Michael Cohen says he’ll be exercising his fifth amendment rights in the Stormy Daniels case, even as a judge appointed a “special master” to sift through all the evidence the FBI seized from him to determine which stuff the investigators are allowed to see. Perhaps Cohen believes by taking the fifth, he’ll avoid preemptively telling prosecutors things like, “By the way, there was already blood on that lead pipe in my sock drawer when I found it.”
(And the FBI seized 16 cellphones from Cohen, by the way. Sixteen. That’s more cellphones than they use in The Departed.)
We keep learning more about Cohen’s relationship with Drumpfy, and it’s looking more like a Ted Dibiase/Virgil kind of thing all the time, isn’t it? Goon Guy does all of Rich Guy’s dirty work, gets paid in abuse. (And sparkly vests?) Seems Mikey thought he was in line for some cushy campaign and/or government gigs that never materialized, but Donnie still loves you right? The anecdote about Fat Q*Bert being a dick at Cohen’s kid’s bar mitzvah was particularly cringe-inducing.
Well, Rudy Giuliani began his negotiations with Rugged Robert Mueller, asking if his investigative body has ways to shut that whole Russia investigation down. Rudy says talks are going well so far, and he expects Mueller’s laughing fit to end any day now, allowing them to move on to more substantial topics.
Hey, a whistleblower tells us Steve Bannon had Cambridge Analytica pimpin’ Putin and studyin’ voter suppression techniques as far back as 2014! Nice to know Darth Wino didn’t just roll off his turpentine-and-pus-stained gutter mattress one morning and decide to fuck up America…he’s been working at it for years!
And then Kanye West decided to –
…y’know what? No. I’m not covering that shit. No link, nothing. I have the most juvenile political blog on the internet, but that goofiness is beneath me. I’m gonna maintain my dignity, and go back to making a bunch of poop jokes.
So this dude got kicked out of a bar for wearing a MAGA hat, and he sued the bar, and because political beliefs aren’t protected by anti-discrimination laws, he borrows Rick Perry’s Smart Guy Glasses long enough to come up with the novel defense of This Made in China Hat is My Spirituality Because Reasons. The judge explored the theology of MyMAGAhatism for a bit (Are there holy texts? What does the Hat say about circumcision?) before telling the dope where he could stick his lawsuit, Hat willing of course.
I used to really beat myself up over some of the stupid fucking decisions I’ve made over the course of my life, but I’m done with that now. Why, you ask? Well, some genius someplace screamed, “EUREKA! I shall give Charlie Rose a talk show where he can interview other old scuzzbag dudes brought down by the #MeToo movement!”
…and I can never hope to even approach making a choice that bad. You need to talk about World-War-launching Archduke assassinations to understand the territory we’re wading through with this one. Holy shit, y’all.
And the Marmalade Shartcannon phoned into Fux n’ Fiendz this morning to ramble through his usual list of grievances and empty boasts. Usually when he does this, he’s in front of a hoard of adoring rubes, cheering his every word, but without an audience, he quickly devolved into raw unfettered shrieking so nutty the hosts cut him off while texting John Kelly “Get the tranq dart gun, quick!”
Hilariously, Dorito Mussolini’s blood pressure hadn’t had time to cool before his words were being used against him in court. Oh, and he casually upended the entire strategy he’s been deploying the Cohen/Daniels matter. It’s safe to assume he spilled pie filling on his shirt as well.
Oh, and the Senate Judiciary Committee passed a little bill saying “Donnie, you can’t fire the Special Counsel just because you don’t want him to find out what a fucking crook you are,” and wonder of wonders, a few REPUBLICANS on the panel even voted for it. Though most didn’t.
And anyhow, Mitch McConnell still won’t allow the whole Senate to vote on it. Which enables Paul Ryan to stick his fingers in his goofy ears and pretend none of this is even happening. Someday, they’ll build statues of this Republican majority. Out of cow pies.
Scott Pruitt, who currently has nearly a DOZEN open investigations into his various acts of corrupt fuckery, showed up on Capital Hill for his ceremonial dragging. He lied and whined a whole bunch, and then got to just go back to his job, probably in a gold-plated Cadillac he bought with taxpayer money.
And now a new report reveals the Shart House knew of the allegations against Rob Porter much earlier than they’d claimed. Fucking of COURSE they did. They just didn’t care.
They don’t care that Porter hits women or that Zinke and Pruitt and Carson steal your money to fund their own personal pleasures or that Bannon published white supremacists or that Reince Priebus is actually just eleven marmots in a suit. They’re all simply horrible people. We knew this.
Jefferson. Cable news is what’s distracting your Idiot Manchild Boss from his duties. He’s the most distractible man on the planet. If he sees that silhouette mud flap girl he has to lock himself in the bathroom to furiously jerk off for forty minutes like an over-stimulated chimpanzee. He spends every moment of his life in a state of frenzied resentment, plotting revenge for every ounce of criticism he’s ever received. He’s still trying to get Mattis to let him authorize a drone strike on the kid who got more scratch n’ sniff stickers in second grade. Let us be honest with one another, you and I.
I get such a kick out of these claims that the Velveeta Vulgarian is just SO pressed for time! Old fart does three things: 1) Consume every microscopic bit of coverage of himself in the media, 2) Bitch about said coverage, and 3) Golf. He’s been President of the USA for a year and change now, and he knows less about public policy than most Russian bot accounts. The man is many things, busy is not one of them.
Just today, the blathering fuckstick was all “Now that you mention it, I didn’t get my own wife anything for her birthday, I’M JUST SO OVERWHELMED WITH WORK by the way did you see me on Fux this morning I yelled for an entire goddamn hour I think my jaw unhinged at one point.
So, the chaplain of the House of Representatives apparently offered a little prayer when the GOP was working up their “You’ll Turn Over the Fruits of the American Economy Over to Your Plutocrat Masters and Like it, Mister” tax bill, asking for a little fairness, just a small thought for the less fortunate. Paul Ryan, because he’s as petty as he is evil, FORCED THE MAN OUT OF HIS JOB, bellowing “NO! You pray that the filthy takers be swiftly removed from our society by fast-acting, inexpensive-to-treat diseases! Also I want to you fellate this golden idol I have of the Greek Titan Atlas, shrugging!”
Aaaaaaaaaaand now I’ve reached the point in my news-gathering where I’ve stumbled across the headline, “Custody Litigation Between Two Ex-Trump Staffers Involves Allegation That NASA Faked the Moon Landing,” so I’m just gonna sign off now before the final fragment of my sanity shatters.
…wait, hang on. The Ostomy Bag With a Dead Tabby on Top just threatened the rest of the planet, via tweet, that they better not oppose America’s bid to host the World Cup. I’m clearly just not destined to be sane.