Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The American Right: A Coalition of Whining Nazis, Pedophile Apologists, and Lying Grifters
Hey there Resisters! I’ve been away for a few days, putting up the holiday decorations in my nuclear bunker…shit still cray? I bet shit’s still cray.
Before we dive into the serious shit, let’s allow ourselves a good, sturdy, chuckle at the expense of the Shitty, Whiny, Idiot Nazis of Twitter, (or, “SWINT”). Yes, a number of white nationalist internet celebrities, like Richard Spencer, Laura Loomer and Jason Kessler (the Three Stooges of Dopey White Losers Who Believe Themselves to be Genetically Superior Despite Their Own Rather Comically Obvious Mediocrity) even with all their carefully managed plausible deniability games, lost their precious blue checkmarks, and Sweet Merciful Multiracial Lord, they are throwing some hilarious tantrums in response.
Twitter Racist Baked “Milkbath” Alaska got banned outright, probably due to his propensity for holocaust/oven jokes, and he did not take the news well. I say it a lot, but for a “master race,” they sure do whinge a whole fuckin’ lot.
Anyhow. Sorry “Baked,” you don’t get be a shitty internet hatemonger anymore. You’ll just have to spend more time alone, talking to your mirror, trying to convince yourself the dead-eyed loser with ridiculous hipster hair staring back you is somehow racially superior to a stale Bit-O-Honey, let alone any actual human being.
Hey, you remember that one Drumpf judicial pick? The one who’s never tried a case? And failed to disclose that he’s married to one of the President’s lawyers? And turned out to be a former, ahem, “paranormal investigator?” Remember how we joked about how he’d keep on generating increasingly absurd headlines, presumably until the sun goes out?
Yeah well, turns out the guy wrote some shit praising the good ol’ days of the original Ku Klux Klan! Of course he did. By next Tuesday we’re gonna find out this dude is actually several marmots in a trench coat.
So, Cowboy Ryan Zinke’s being investigated for his Tom Price-esque waste of taxpayer cash on private jets with gold-plated bidets and robot stewardesses and whatnot, but there’s a snag. The watchdog over at Interior says it’s tough to even conduct their investigation cuz the Z-Man hasn’t been keeping records, which I guess is a clever enough way to duck accountability.
So Richard Cordray stepped down as the head of the CFPB, prolly to run for governor of Ohio, and his replacement looks to be Mick “Consumer is Just a Fancy Name for Peasant” Mulvaney, so he’ll probably be pushing for rules that allow payday lenders to repossess your grandma’s kidneys if you’re a day or two late on your payments. Welcome to Gilded Age 2: Debtors’ Prison Boogaloo!
The NCAA Women’s Basketball champs, the South Carolina Gamecocks, joined the ranks of “Visit the White House? Nope!” alongside the Golden State Warriors and Nobel laureates, because being photographed next to this particular President is a shameful thing and also I bet he smells like cheeseburger sweat and black market hair tonic.
World-Famous Child Molester/Senate Candidate Roy Moore won’t debate Doug Jones, so he’s leaning heavily on surrogates and supporters these days.
The Moore-heads (And I ain’t talkin’ about Agnes, AYOOOOOOOO) have gotten quite…creative in their “Vote for Pedo” defenses. One “pastor” claims “more women are sexual predators than men,” because any degree of female autonomy feels like assault to the type of dude who never got over the whole “suffrage” thing.
Another apologist claims the dude who had a high school girl pulled out of trig class so he could hit on her is basically like a Fondling Father, which to my surprise, I totally agree with.
Wait, what? She said FOUNDING Father? Oh, well. That’s fucking nuts.
Alabama Governor Kay Ivey says By Gum I Believe Roy Moore’s Accusers! And that’s a good thing to hear an elected Republican say!
But she also says By Gum I Will Vote For Moore Anyway Even Though I Just Said I Believe He Made Multiple Attempts to Rape Children Because Even if Roy Moore is a Child Rapist I Think He’ll Vote for Supreme Court Justices I Like and suddenly you don’t feel so good about Republican priorities.
Moore’s finally paying a price in the polling, as it looks like even Alabama draws the line somewhere on the right side of “child molester.” Me, I say don’t get complacent, folks. Donate to Doug Jones, let’s swing this seat!
For extra fun one of the pollsters found that Littlefinger has a lower approval rating in Alabama than…Obama. I dunno about y’all, but I laugh myself hoarse just thinking about that.
So the Keystone Pipeline leaked a couple hundred thousand gallons of oil in South Dakota this week, but hey, let’s get that Keystone XL Pipeline approved, amiright? Fuck, let’s skip ahead a few steps, let’s do Keystone XXXL from Keystone for Big & Tall Oilmen, and they can run their pipelines straight through every drinking water supply in the Midwest, re-routing all sewage systems directly to Flint, Michigan, just to flaunt the naked, reckless, evil, greed of it all.
Well, the House passed their version of the Money is Just for People Who Already Have It tax “reform bill,” so all eyes are on the Senate, where I guess Tom Cotton talked everybody into one last kamikaze assault on the ACA.
See where the tax bill saves The Shart Family Robinson around a billion bucks? That’s neat. We’re taxing grad school students so that Eric can finally get those platinum calf implants he’s had his eye on.
And Sherrod Brown and Orrin Hatch faced off in the inevitable battle of Dudes With Superfluous Rs in Their Names, because Orrin was spinning the old horseshit about trickle-down economics and Sherrod was all “Hey, that is horeshit you’re spinning.”
Personally I think the only way to settle this is TONIGHT! AT SURVIVOR SERIES! INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! I predict Senator Brown walks away with a THIRD “r.”
Meanwhile, we learned that the Misshapen Traffic Cone has started paying his own legal bills relating to the Russia investigation, because he’s a big rich boy who can pull up his own pants and everything.
If this sounds unusually non-grifty for Smallhands Magoo, don’t jump to any conclusions. The move is designed to free up RNC money to pay for lawyers for all those aides and assistants who could roll over and send the entire flock of traitorous assclowns to jail.
Now that it’s run by the depressingly authoritarian GOP, the FCC repealed an old-ass rule that prevented the media in your hometown from being dominated by a single rich jagoff with an agenda. So now the Mercers can hoover up newspapers as well as tv and radio stations in the same local market. In a couple of years they’ll be able to Truman Show your whole fucking community! Sleep tight!
Do you know who’s a naughty, naughty boy? Jared Kushner is a naughty, naughty boy! Young Jar-Jr seems to have told some fibs about whether or not he was in contact with WikiLeaks during the campain (Spoilerz, he was! I bet him n’ Julian have a lot to talk about, actually…’bout what it’s like being a skeevy, fish-eyed freak who makes people cross the street when they see you, for example.)
Anyway Kushner’s done a little lying under oath, a little withholding of documents, your basic collusion/obstruction of justice cocktail.
We also found out about yet another Russian attempt to set up a “backdoor meeting” between Putin and Drumpf. This one wound up on Jared’s desk, too, but dang if it didn’t slip his mind! Too busy bringin’ peace to the Middle East, I guess!
How’s that going, by the way? Oh.
In a truly shocking bit of news, a high-ranking Drumpf administration official actually resigned once news of his misconduct came to light. “Reverend” Jamie Johnson had been “Director of the Center for Faith-Based & Neighborhood Partnerships at DHS,” but it turned out the Partnerships were just for white folks, because Jamie is a super-racist hate beast, which explains how he got the gig in the first place.
If only we could get these standards to apply to Jeff “Too Racist For the 80’s” Sessions and Stephen “The School Janitors Stole My Hair” Miller, we’d really be on to something.
Well, the Federalist Society held one of those Annual Gatherings of Rich White Dudes Where They Eat Sushi Off the Body of a Stripper and then Sacrifice Her to Their Dark Gods. It was extra fun this year, because we got to see the WACKIER side of some of the villainous traitors fucking up our nation, how fun!
Neal Gorsuch made a hilarious joke about the famous case where he voted in favor of a trucking company that fired an employee for abandoning his trailer rather than freezing to death, because the way the serfs cling to their silly little lives is so amusing, don’t you find, Penelope? (Sips cognac)
But Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III was the headliner, with his quips about Russians! The lefty internet got a burr up their ass about this, to which I say, folks, don’t let a malicious elfin goober like Sessions troll you. The law’s catching up to him sooner rather than later. And he who laughs last…laughs at the disgraced Yokel of Treason as he’s carted off in handcuffs.
Well, Al Franken did a bad thing, and we were all very disappointed in him. He apologized, and called for an investigation into himself, aaaaand…we’ll have to see if that’s good enough. Some think so. Some don’t.
We can all agree, I think, that a dude with at least 16 on-the-record accusations of sexual assault, up to and including rape, probably shouldn’t take a victory lap at Senator Franklin’s difficulties, but, well, nobody’s ever accused Shart Garfunkel of a surfeit of self-awareness.
Anyway, all his accusers are back in the headlines, so, nice work, genius. Truly the greatest political tactician of our time.
A Trump branded/managed property in Panama is all tangled up in Russian mafia money laundering, surprising nobody and marking about the 93rd time a member of this administration has been tied to international money laundering. Paul Manafort. Wilbur Ross. Jared. Makes you wonder if the other cabinet members feel awkward and inadequate at office parties when they have no money laundering stories of their own, like an out-of-work actor at an opening night party.
Some navy pilots drew a gigantic dong in the sky above Okanogan, WA. I’m writing this because, y’know, if this whole thing goes south, and the Doddering Dotard gets fucked up on an experimental hair growth serum and sends us into Dr. Strangelove territory, future historians can know that even as the world descended into gibbering, genocidal, madness, we still had enough hope and humanity to look skyward, and, upon finding an enormous wang skywritten there, enjoy a small chuckle.
So the top U.S. Nuclear Commander said he’d resist an illegal launch order from President Manbaby, and while it’s not exactly comforting that we have to have these conversations in the first place, at least we can rest easier knowing he won’t be able to nuke Rachel Maddow’s house if she stumbles across any more of his tax returns.
Also it seems Ivanka decorates her Thanksgiving table with some sort of If H.P. Lovecraft Wrote The Nightmare Before Christmas monstrosity? I like to imagine the Princess sitting down with her translucent-skinned brothers and husband, jumping every time the phone rings, pawing through the gravy boat in search of a Mueller listening device, eventually sitting in stony silence, gazing blankly at the Macy’s parade and waiting for the next shoe to drop.
With all the challenges facing our nation, both domestically and abroad, you’ll be pleased to learn that your President remains laser focused on…insufficiently grateful black athletes!
Yeah, it seems LaVar Ball refused to lick the presidential butthole, so Boss Shart, with all the might his stubby little fingers could muster, rage-tweeted that he should have left a trio of American citizens, college kids, imprisoned in an oppressive foreign nation until they learned their place.
When you read shit like this, you understand why he’s letting Americans suffer and die without access to electricity and clean water in Puerto Rico. After all, that one mayor not only criticized him, but did so…with brown skin!
Music publicist Rob Goldstone dished on the famous Trump Tower meeting, saying young Jar-Jar was SUPER pissed afterwards because he showed up wanting hot, steamy, collusion, but those prudish Russkies just wanted to talk about boring ol’ Magnitsky sanctions, and cuddle for a bit, leaving his balls blue…er than usual.
Yeah, folks…the insanity’s coming at us on hurricane-strength winds these days…but even after writing every one of the preceding paragraphs, I have to say the absolute craziest thing to happen over the last few days was…Carter Page’s hat.
I just don’t feel safe walking around in a world where a man like Page wears a hat like that.