Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
I Wonder Who Spends More Time in Jail, Paul Manafort, or the Children in Kirstjen Nielsen’s Concentration Camps?
I think I’ve figured it out, folks. We’re all trapped in the pilot episode for the new Twilight Zone reboot. In like, some kind of alien zoo or too-much-candy-before-bedtime nightmare or something. Any minute now, the credits will roll, and things will go back normal. Any minute now…right?
Maybe not. Let’s do the news.
Obviously I shit on President Crotchrot a lot in my little blog, but even I have to admit he’s really good at a handful of things. Like, say, growing the federal budget deficit. He’s got a green fuckin’ thumb in that particular garden. That motherfucker’s up SEVENTY-SEVEN PER CENT so far this year. Don’t worry though; the deficit’s exploding and your tax refund is shrinking, but everybody down at Marm-a-Lago has enough extra cash now to gold-plate their vacation homes.
Actually the wins just keep piling up for the Hairplug That Ate Decency, in his desperate, all-consuming, insecurity-fueled, quest to eclipse his predecessor. Hey Barack Obama, you might win the popularity contest, you even won the popular vote a couple times, but did YOU ever have 64% of the American people believing you’re a literal criminal? I suppose the real accomplishment here is deceiving that last third.
And you know where else Weehands McNodick is kicking Obummer’s ass? The trade deficit, that’s where! We’re at a record $891.3 billion, how do you like THAT, Barry Soetoro? Now, while he doesn’t understand trade or tariffs at all, reducing the trade deficit is one of the only things the doddering old dolt actually cares about, and he’s even managed to fuck that up. He truly has that Reverse Midas touch.
Ben Carson announced his intention to resign his post as HUD Secretary at the end of Shart Garfunkel’s first term. Dr. Carson, I applaud your optimism. The end of Trump’s “first” term, by which I assume you mean January 20th, 2021, is the latest possible date you and every one of the sub-competent, grifting, fucksticks you work with will be gathered in the toilet of history like so many festering turds, and flushed once and for all. If the Impeachment Fairy shows up earlier, who knows when you’ll be asked to clean the grain out of your desk?
In New Hampshire, a group of Republican lawmakers figured it would be SO HILARIOUS if they wore pearl necklaces to a gun control hearing, because to be a Republican in 2019 is to be so morally warped as to think to yourself “Hmmm…should I mock the citizens I represent as they share their heart-rending stories of losing loved ones to gun violence? That seems kinda insensi-WHAT AM I SAYING OF COURSE I SHOULD!!!!!!”
Without a docile House majority to shield him from investigation, the Manchurian Manchild finds himself desperately seeking new tactics to put off his long-avoided comeuppance; he seems to have settled on whining. I’m surely not the only one who fantasizes about him screeching “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT” as he’s dragged away in cuffs, right? And they’re children’s cuffs, of course, so he can’t slip his tiny, adequate, hands right through them. My fantasies are thorough, and contain important details.
The Oversight Renaissance will not, it appears, be spreading to the GOP-controlled Senate, where Mitch McConnell clearly prefers wallowing in the Dark Ages of enabling corruption and treason, so long as he gets a steady supply of young, terrifyingly-regressive, federal judges to mainline directly into his eyeball. The Cohen hearings provided clear evidence, backed up with documentary proof, that Orange Julius Caesar committed a federal crime, and Senate Republicans, who are literally still investigating Hillary Clinton’s goddamn e-mails, refuse to even look into it.
Mike Rounds, who, as a United States Senator, is one of the most powerful people in the world, has been reduced to such a groveling toady that he went on television to dismiss his Turd Emperor’s crimes, obsequiously mewling that he only paid off Stormy Daniels because he luvs his family so much. Not enough to stay faithful to his wife, of course, but…y’know, we need to focus on the affection, not the felony. I don’t remember Senator Rounds being so forgiving to Hillary Clinton, oddly.
You know who IS getting a shiny new investigation? Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, that’s who. House Oversight has decided to poke around in Brian’s brazen, multi-front, assault on the right to vote. It kinda sucks to be in a two-party system where one party doesn’t believe in Democracy, but at least we’ve clawed back enough power to put up a fight.
I guess Pissant Pol Pot had to overrule his staff (and basic fucking common sense) to get his comically unqualified daughter a high-level security clearance to match the one given to his comically unqualified son-in-law. National security implications aside, it can really cause tension in a marriage between two scions of ultra-wealthy criminal cabals when one of them has access to classified intelligence they have no fucking reason having, and the other doesn’t.
Speaking of Kid Nepotism, we’ve now learned that young Jar-Jar blocks actual American diplomatic officials from participating in his meetings with his BFFs in the Saudi royal family. Makes sense, frankly…when you’re selling American state secrets to journalist-dismembering autocrats for personal profit, nothing spoils the party quite like witnesses.
I swear, one day we’re gonna find out that Tiffany has been running drone strikes in the Middle East this whole fucking time.
The latest fruits of the Shart of the Deal’s mad international diplomacy skillz went on display in North Korea, where Kim Jong-un thanked Wee Don for his second Hey Have Some Free Legitimacy You Murdering Dictator You summit by swiftly rebuilding a rocket launch site he’d once pledged to demolish. You know the North Koreans are all out there, mooning our satellites at these nuke sites, too. Anyway, it’s truly a testament to American strength, being openly mocked by a third-rate, third-world, gangster.
CNN popped by to remind us that the Shart Administration has quietly snuffed out plans to put Harriet Tubman on the 20 dollar bill, because the Bonespur Buttplug will be damned if he lets the legacy of his genocidal forerunner, whose ghost is the only presidential poltergeist that still drops by to give advice, diminish in the face of this newfangled “diversity” craze. Currency is for only the Very Finest People, thank you very much.
Following that killer-if-totally-depressing New Yorker article, Tom Perez says Fux Nooz doesn’t get to host a Democratic presidential primary debate, on account of how they’re a shameless propaganda outlet for a cheap crook who keeps trying to tear up the Constitution for napkins to wipe ketchup stains off his tie. Are we finally ready to face up to the fact that Fox is less a news organization than a cancer chewing away at American democracy? Cuz it would be really great if we were.
Y’know who else is out at Fux? “Sheriff” Dave Clarke! Why? Who can say? Maybe it’s harder to rail against Democrats as baby killers when you’re paying somebody who is actually responsibility for killing a baby. Maybe somebody finally woke up and realized that a grown man who pins toy badges to his shirt because he think it makes him look a general in a movie he saw once isn’t a good advocate for…well, anything.
We need to make sure Kirstjen Nielsen keeps getting trotted out for the cameras from time to time, because she’s a fucking monster, and with all the day-to-day insanity, sometimes we forget about what a fucking monster she is. In an administration packed with the malicious, the incompetent, and the cruel, her evil is matched only by Stephen Miller’s.
Nielsen had to appear before the House Homeland Security Committee, and boy was she ever unhappy to be dragged away from the work she loves so much…torturing children. It’s hard to decide what infuriates you most about Kirstjen: her casual indifference to the suffering she’s responsible for, or her shameless lying about the atrocities committed under her authority. She sat there and lied, under oath, about things Congressmen and Senators had seen with their own two eyes. She said the cages they’ve thrown children into don’t count as cages because they’re bigger than dog cages.
And when the hearing was over, she went back to work. Not jail, work. The work of overseeing this network of concentration camps, full of children, even babies, opened and operated on American soil in the name of “homeland security.” While I sincerely hope Kirstjen rots in a jail for the rest of her life, I confess I’d also kinda like to see what she could bring to the role of Lady Macbeth.
I see Michael Cohen swung back by the Capitol to give his new friends on the House Intelligence Committee some gift baskets, full of artisanal sausages, scented bath products, and documents showing how his scumfuck ex-boss’ lawyers amended his previous statements to Congress so that everybody’s bullshit story lined up.
Speaking of the Sensei of Sez-Hoo, his bad breakup with the Velveeta Vulgarian has entered a new phase. Cohen wants his toothbrush and his Guns n’ Roses t-shirt back, and also $1.9 million in what he claims are unpaid legal fees, because I guess the paychecks stopped flowing when he started that whole “cooperating with the government” thing. Reached for comment, the Trump Organization responded, “Snitches get stitches, not paid!”
Hey look, Fat Q*Bert called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple!” What a delightful and amusing example of the rapid mental deterioration of a hateful old man who just so happens to posses the power to spread atomic death across the globe at the slightest whim! Ha ha ha! Hope he takes it well when his children are indicted!
So, Finnish journalist Jessikka Aro is a legit hero, having done the important (and dangerous AF) work of reporting on the Russian disinformation apparatus that ratfucked America so hard that we actually miss George W. Bush. And in thanks and tribute, she was set to receive the prestigious International Women of Courage Award…until some enterprising little Shartkin uncovered some social media posts where Aro dared to criticize the Archbishop of Fecal Worms, and the award was rescinded, because that’s just how fucking petty our rulers are these days. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll scrounge up some sort of plaque to give to Sean Hannity commemorating his groundbreaking work in the field of Making Up Shit That Scares Old White People.
I guess you can add “high school records” to the list of embarrassing secrets the Candycorn Skidmark desperately hides from the public, alongside “college grades,” “tax returns,” “real net worth” and “actual weight.” In a couple of days, we’ll probably learn that he sent thugs to break his elementary school principal’s legs, too. You know in grade school, his parents didn’t even get a report card, just a bill for all the paste and crayons he’d eaten.
Well, the House finally passed a broad resolution saying racism and bigotry is bad, a depressingly controversial idea in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka. You’ll be pleased to learn that 23 Republicans actually voted against the fairly general, non-binding, condemnation of hatred. Of course Republicans were really hoping for the public stoning of Representative Ilhan Omar, maybe with a little amendment saying “the only Republican in history who was ever the tiniest bit racist was Steve King but we totally took care of that,” but cooler heads prevailed and a better, more inclusive resolution was crafted.
Cap: Hey, let’s play a game! It’s called “Guess What Your Federal Government Has Been Up To?” Who has a guess?
Doe-Eyed Summer Child: Helping people? Making American citizens’ lives better?
Cap: WRONG! What are you, some kind of fucking idiot? You’re in Trumptopia now, dumbass! Who else?
Objective Reality: Tracking journalists and immigration activists? Keeping detailed dossiers on American citizens? Harassing them at the border, denying them the right to cross and do their jobs?
Cap: We have our winner! That’s right, Virginia, you live a fucking POLICE STATE! You get a scratch n’ sniff sticker! Of a butt! No more games, let’s drag ourselves across the finish line, this shit is killing me tonight.
Lemme just give you a headline on this next one: “Wilbur Ross broke law, violated Constitution in census decision, judge rules.” Pretty straightforward, right? Cabinet secretary violates the Constitution of the United States of America, his resignation will be on the President’s desk before the sun sets, surely. I mean, the only way Wilbur Ross could possibly be allowed to remain in his post, without facing any consequences at all, not even revoking his discount in the White House mess, would be if the entire executive branch were basically one giant kleptocratic crime ring, an ethical black hole where…oh hang on, I get it now.
Anyway, basically all of my core beliefs were reaffirmed today, when a Republican Congressjag literally defended Nickelback on the floor of the House. That’s not a cheap gag I’ve been holding onto to fill space, folks, that happened in real life. Clearly compromise with these people is impossible; it’s a battle between good and evil now…at least I picked the right side.
I see Paul Manafort, after his life of crime and treason, having lied repeatedly to federal law enforcement and violated a previous plea agreement, has been sentenced to a mere 47 months in prison, laughably, almost tauntingly below the guideline range. Anybody out there still doubting that this is Hell? Bueller? Bueller?
Clearly worried that he’s TOO popular, the Marmalade Shartcannon is now looking to raid military pay and pension funds for “emergency” money to build that Big Stupid Wall that nobody wants. If the guy wants to keep dropping bowling balls on his own crotch, I say let him.
Ok. That Manafort sentence…I need to go scream into the void for awhile. What’s that? Look, find your own void to scream into, mine’s fuckin’ full, okay?