Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
McConnell Mightily Miffed at “Moscow Mitch” Moniker, and Mother Mnews
How are you tonight, friends? Me, I’m good; the orderlies loosened the straightjacket an hour ago, and this InfoWars gag real is surprisingly amusing. Wait, what? It’s CNN? Live? Oh fucking hell. Well, let’s get on with the roundup.
I think I’m gonna just cut and paste a sentence like “President Crotchrot is still screeching like weasel in a blender at Elijah Cummings and Baltimore, because I guess he thinks 2020 exit polls will reveal voters’ #1 issue to be All-Consuming Hatred of This One Particular Black Man,” just to save time.
Presumably this All Elijah, All the Time “strategy” (look, this is what working class voters in the Rust Belt want) is what led to the President of the United States enjoying a snickering little gloat that Cummings’ house got broken into. In other news, the word “presidential” no longer exists.
Ben Carson went to Baltimore to tell everybody there how totally great and right Shart Garfunkel is for repeatedly shitting on their city, but when he tried to host a little press conference in Morning Star Baptist Church of Christ’s parking lot, he got kicked out, on account of their “No Dickbag Sycophants Pimping White Supremacist Hate-Mongers on Church Grounds” rule. They were using that lot to store grain, Dr. Ben!
You’re never gonna believe this, but it turns out the overwhelming majority of that $16 billion farmer bribe bailout we the people get to pay for will benefit the already-wealthy. A rare outlier from the dedicated populist who gave the megarich an enormous tax cut at the expense of the rest of us, tried to steal health care from millions in order to further enrich the GOP donor class, and merrily spends his Rube Army’s campaign donations on personal legal fees.
Some day the poets will sing odes on the Rise and Fall of John Ratcliffe, who journeyed from Generic Replacement Level Angry White Republican Guy to nominee for Director of National Intelligence to Discarded Used Condom Found on a Public Playground in just one short week. Turns out Johnboy “inflated his resume” a smidge, and he’s not actually the terrorist-fightin’ immigrant-deportin’, superman he portrays in chatrooms, and, ahem, political campaigns. I bet he didn’t really kill Voldemort, either.
A group of Republicans, including Deposed Koch Brothers Finger Puppet Scott Walker, are suing to overturn an anti-gerrymandering measure in Michigan. The measure passed with overwhelming popular support, presumably because Michiganders wanted the right to actually choose their own leaders, but nothing terrifies the GOP more than free and fair elections. Reached for comment, Walker snarled, “If we cared what the people wanted, we’d be fucking Democrats, wouldn’t we?”
According to the ACLU, the Turdmaggot Administration has separated more than 900 migrant children from their parents at the border since being ordered by a federal judge to stop fucking doing that abominable shit. Horror aside, as much as it pains me to admit this, I think we’ve lost the coveted “delights in the suffering of children” vote for 2020. We’ll just have settle for jobs, health care, anti-corruption, and BASIC FUCKING HUMAN DECENCY.
Here’s another earth-shaking surprise to blow your fucking mind: despite the undisputed fact that the GOP’s racism problem appeared, spontaneously, with no prior warning whatsoever, at some point during 2016, it turns out Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon were secretly incredibly racist. Anyway, print that article out, so the next time your favorite NeverTrumper wails “this is not the Republican Party I know!” you can roll it up like a newspaper and smack him in the nose with it.
Here’s some welcome news: it ain’t Wabbit Season, it ain’t Duck Season, it’s GOP HOUSE RETIREMENT SEASON! I guess it’s no fun in the minority, especially now that you can’t even enjoy the locker room talk anymore since Jim Jordan ruined it. Most of the retirees are in safe seats (so far) but we’re already measuring the drapes in Will Hurd’s office. Assuming he has drapes. Look, I sent an intern over with measuring tape, and he’s gonna feel really fucking stupid if there are no drapes, but that’s his problem, and it’s certainly no excuse if he forgets to pick up that six pack I asked for on the way back.
Because I have made the questionable decision to keep up this blog, it is my distinct displeasure to inform you that, how shall I put this, that “Jeffrey Epstein Hoped to Seed the Human Race With His DNA.” He wanted to impregnate up to twenty women at a time at his New Mexico ranch. He wanted a JEFFREY EPSTEIN FARM. Had I known about this story in advance, I’d have had ShowerCap-branded barf bags available for sale, and I’d put a link right here and I’d have made a goddamn fortune.
I suppose the goods news is Epstein was not successful in this endeavor. I mean, we totally fuckin’ dodged that one, right? Ten thousand things have gone catastrophically wrong these last three years, but at least we don’t have an army of young Jeffrey Epstein saplings to fend off.
James Comey will not be prosecuted for whatever dumb thing the Gohmert crowd hoped he might be prosecuted for. This seems like good news on the surface, but I don’t know how comfortable I feel with Jazzy Jim roaming around free; he already single-handed fucked up the entire course of human history once.
Wisconsin Republicans are taking a principled stand against…allowing a partially paralyzed Democratic Representative to phone into committee meetings. Anyway, I’m writing a screenplay based on Robin Vos and co., titled JAG STORY, with the tagline “Being Republican means never having to say you’re sorry…for being a festering bag of amputated warthog buttholes.”
Freshman Republican Congresscreep Denver Riggleman has earned the ire of party officials back home is his district for the unforgivable sin of officiating a same-sex wedding. Now, Denver is a legit right-wing nutjob, a true believer who actually auditioned to join the Feral Assclowns of the Freedom Caucus in the very wave election that destroyed their majority, but members of his party want to excommunicate him because he’s insufficiently hateful. And yet they become capillary-poppingly FURIOUS when you call them bigots.
Word on the street is, Mitch McConnell is none too fond of his new “Moscow Mitch” nickname. He hates the merchandise Kentucky Dems are selling, he hates Ben Folds’ new song, and when we take back the Senate, flip him over on his back, tattoo “Property of Vlad Putin” on his soft underbelly, and make him flail ineffectually in the minority while we methodically undo his life’s work, he’s REALLY gonna be pissed.
Anyway you guys, it’s not fair to call him “Moscow Mitch!” It’s not like a couple of his ex-staffers are lobbying for a Russian-backed aluminum mill in Kentucky that’s TOTALLY NOT A PAYOFF FOR SERVICES RENDERED. (The joke here is that this is, in fact, exactly what’s happening. Get it? GET IT?)
The Federal Reserve cut interest rates, but not enough to placate the Manchurian Manchild, who whined “(Chairman Jerome)* Powell let us down,” because he wanted the Fed to “Push the Magic Economy Button so I can keep rage-tweeting at black people all day long.” Look, we all understand how hard it is to get re-elected when you keep fucking the economy up on purpose, but maybe you should’ve thought of that before you spent 73 years on Earth without taking your fucking brain out of the factory packaging.
An enterprising young firearms merchant in North Carolina hit upon the Mad-Men-for-white-nationalists idea of advertising his lil’ shop using photographs of the four Congressional Freshwomen-of-color known as The Squad, because wink wink don’t you just wanna murder them for replacing you and whatnot. Said merchant, enjoying the wave of ensuing attention like a child, grinning after pissing on the living room sofa, thoughtfully opined, “I also feel a couple of them, being Muslim, have ties to actual terrorists groups.” Now, that dude is 100% voting next year. Are you?
President Valor Thief, in a deeply strange act of pissant micromanagement, ordered the Navy to rescind decorations bestowed on the prosecutors in the trial of his favorite pet war criminal, Edward Gallagher. Further demonstrating his level of respect for Americans in uniform, he’s trying to divert money from military retirement programs to fund his unconstitutional attempt to use emergency powers to build his big stupid wall. Surely, his spot on Mount Rushmore is assured now.
And now Minivan Dad Brownshirt Cory Lewandowski is fantasizing about a Senate run in New Hampshire? I dunno, I don’t think “I barely avoided charges even though I was caught on camera assaulting a female reporter” is gonna fit on a shitty, made-in-China, ballcap, so I think you’re fucked, son.
Ridiculous Stooge But Not the Funny Kind Lindsey Graham, hard at work on the issues that matter most to working Americans, pushed a bill designed to raise the number of days a migrant child can be held in detention, from 20 to 100, because let’s face it, America will never be great until we maximize our potential to inflict lifelong trauma on brown kids. Anyway, congratulations Senator, on getting your picture in the dictionary next to “Banality of Evil.”
Figuring it’d been awhile since he last crotch-stomped his own country’s economy, the Bonespur Buttplug announced another round of China tariffs, which tanked the stock market AGAIN, like it does every single time he pulls this stuff, and I don’t want to seem partisan but the next President should be CAPABLE OF LEARNING. And the dumb motherfucker still thinks China pays this shit. It’s like watching a bird fly face first into the same plate glass door, over and over again.
And President Ostomy Bag continues his desperate, wishful, gaslighting on Russian election interference. “Oh you don’t really believe this. Do you believe this?” he said, in response to a reporter bringing up his Supervillain Team-Up partner, no doubt imagining himself to be very clever indeed. Imagine FDR addressing the country after Pearl Harbor, acting like the very notion that Japan was waging war on us was sort of whimsically silly. Now imagine every elected member of his party silently enabling him. Yeah, things sure are wacky, here in Shitty Wonderland.
Oh, and Weehands McNodick held another loser hate rally, in Ohio or Narnia or someplace, who gives a fuck. There was, of course, the usual cavalcade of lies, but in his defense, he can’t really run for re-election on his record. Cult45ers on the scene reported that they’re “tired of being called racists,” which like a pineapple saying “I am tired of being called a pineapple.” For what it’s worth, deplorables, we are infinitely more sick of you.
One little Shartkin was also apparently tired of not being in jail, so he assaulted a protester twice his age, like a real tough guy. Again, an underrated obstacle to Donnie Dotard’s re-election chances will be the sheer number of his supporters who will be incarcerated by November, 2020.
One of Mike Pompeo’s sidekicks got fired over her “abusive management style,” which apparently included some liberally-applied office hate speech, which you’d think would be grounds for promotion in the current administration. Anyway, the entire government is now being run by Mick Mulvaney, Stephen Miller, and Eric Trump’s troll doll collection.
Okay, I couldn’t possibly stand one more second of politics this week. With two debates, I’m about to pop like the gluttony dude in SE7EN. Shutting my brain down for the weekend, folks, I’ll see y’all soon. Let me leave you with Jake Tapper who has some disturbing/oddly comforting news.
*I think this is the first time I’ve used parentheses like this in the blog and it makes me feel very fancy indeed.