Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
On Presidential Pardons, Pruitt’s Pens, and Petulant Pedophiles
Hey hey, Shower Captives. First weekend update in awhile, trying to get back to the old schedule. I’m swinging between extremes of laughing my ass at off at the absurd incompetence of the reigning regime and weeping uncontrollably at their cruelty, so cut me some slack if I break down in the middle of this shit.
Ok, so the Marmalade Shartcannon pardoned felonious troll Dinesh D’Souza. Now, I understand this is a genuine abuse of power, and that it’s a signal to all his crooked cronies who find themselves targets of Johnny Law, but can we just take a moment to appreciate how bonehead fucking dumb it is?
HIM SAY GUD THINGZ BOUT ME ON TEEVEE! ME GIV HIM PARDUN!
Y’know, if this cud-chewing doofus had half a fucking brain in his head, if he were mentally capable of fully exploring his capacity to abuse the powers of his office, we would be righteously fucked, folks. Instead it’s “If I charge the secret service to piss at my club, I can make a couple bucks,” and “give the funny TV man a pardon.”
…and now he wants to pardon Martha Stewart and Rod Blagojevich*? Fucking of COURSE he does. Prison is for nobodies, not celebrities. Helluvan ethical system you’ve got there, Fuck-O.
Whelp, the Dopey Dotard with Diminutive Digits launched his pudding-brained trade war on America’s closest allies. The E.U., Canada, and Mexico promptly announced retaliatory tariffs, as everyone knew they would, (Justin Trudeau in particular hulked the fuck out, which had to feel good after so many months of gritting his teeth and placating the spoiled toddler he’s been babysitting.) so now, lucky us, we the American people get to pay the price for this dope’s bullheaded bullying!
Take, for example, Iowa’s pork industry. Already crotch-punted by Sharthead’s trade policy to the tune of $560 million. Nice job with those electoral votes, Iowa.
This, of course, is how the world will treat Lil’ Donnie’s trade war. They’ll hyper-target his base, and swing states, and just keep punching our economy in the dick until he either caves or gets replaced. That’s not a threat, that’s a spoiler. In the meantime, a whole lot of Americans have to suffer needlessly. Many will lose their jobs. And all to placate one buffoon’s insatiable ego.
Of course President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive thinks he’s just getting warmed up. Visions of a total ban on German luxury cars from the American market apparently dance in his head like sugarplum fairies (or more likely, teenage beauty pageant contestants changing), because after all what is the President’s job if not to hand-select which products we’re allowed to buy?
Along the same lines, Team Turdwaffle is said to be toying with a plan to force companies to purchase energy from coal and nuclear plants no matter what that dumb ol’ free market says, because he literally wants to reshape the entire country’s economy to serve his rage-filled base, no matter the cost. Expect an executive order forcing Elizabeth Warren to work as Joe Arpaio’s butler any day now.
Anyway, everybody is mad at America for these dickbag trade moves, and all the other Finance Ministers at the G7 meeting made Steve Mnuchin sit in the corner, and they laughed at him and called him names, and wouldn’t let poor Mnuchbag join in any Finance Minster games.
NPR released a hilarious recording of Michael Cohen auditioning for a community theatre production of DO I AMUSE YOU?: THE GOODFELLAS MUSICAL. The former – hang on, I’m being told this recording is of an actual attempt by Cohen to threaten a journalist, in real life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
We haven’t heard from Bill at the Abject Horror Desk in some time, but he said he had some stuff for us today. What’s the latest in Abject Horror, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: (quivers in silent revulsion)
Welllllll…I assume you want to talk about the Florida jury that awarded the family of a black man killed by police a settlement totaling four dollars, later reduced to four cents, and then reduced to nothing at all?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, Cap, that’s pretty fucking disgusting. What kind of monstrous crotchtumor trolls a grieving family?
I got nuthin’, Bill, that’s fucking gross. Anyhow, the n-
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: WAIT!
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I’m…not done.
Oh…uh, go ahead Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: I…I can’t. It’s too horrible. Even for me.
Sure you can, Bill. Just take a deep breath, spit it out, and we’ll move on to the rest of the news.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Ok. Soooooooooooo…there’s this congressional candidate in Virginia and he’s a white supremacist who did time in prison for threatening to kill Obama and that’s not even CLOSE to the worst part because he’s also a pedophile who runs a message board for incels and raped his wife and advocates shit that’s even worse than what I’ve listed here but I won’t subject anybody to that, click here only if you have a strong stomach.
(Long uncomfortable silence. Bill and Cap both vomit.)
Jesus. That’s dark shit. Allow me to lift your spirits a smidge before we move on, with the following tale of Scumfuck Comeuppance:
HuffPo journalist Luke O’Brien dug up the identity of an Unusually Hateful Even For Twitter Islamophobic Troll (and shudder at the implications of that phrase), who was perfectly happy to vomit up the nastiest, most dehumanizing shit from the comfort of anonymity, but is melting down now that she’s lost her safe space.
Yes, Amy Mekelburg now has to own her vileness for the first time, and she thinks that’s unfair! Her husband lost his job (GOOD), and now she’s devoting herself to an all-new crusade: WHINING. Drop by her Twitter profile, where she’s gushing tears so hard I hope the levees in her town are in good repair. I don’t get it, Amy! If the cause is so noble, why have you been so reticent to sign your name to it?
Bloomberg says Shartolo Colon’s net worth dropped $100 million over the last year, as the Trump brand’s desirability settled down somewhere between “explosive diarrhea” and “oozing scrotum pustule.” I wonder if the Bloomberg estimate fully compensates for all the taxpayer money Fuckhead is grifting, though. You known this goon stuffs his pockets with silverware before leaving work.
Donnie Two-Scoops had to fly down to Texas to beg rich people for money, and General Kelly told him that due to the proximity to the latest school shooting, he had to meet with some of the victims’ families, and Donnie whined “Do you I have to?” and Kelly said “Yes you have to, and try to show a little empathy,” and the President said, “What’s empathy?” and they convened a meeting with every single person in their entire misbegotten administration and not one of them could answer that question.
The meeting went better than expected, but only because the President refrained from hitting on any of the grieving mothers. Also, he only referred to the murderer as “wacky,” rather than “a very fine person,” so y’know…baby steps.
So, Homeland Security says they found traces of “surveillance devices for intercepting cellphone calls and texts…operating near the White House,” which is SUPER WEIRD because it’s not like President refuses to obey security protocols and insists on using an unsecured phone OH WAIT. In Sharty McFly’s defense, he’s probably just trying to make his Russian supervisors’ jobs easier, so in a way he’s being thoughtful.
So the frothy band of trolls we call “the American right,” butthurt over the 100% justified firing of that one shitty sitcom lady and desperate to claim a reciprocal scalp of their own, play-acted a little faux outrage over Sam Bee saying the naughty c-word, and we all laughed at them because they somehow imagine that, after enthusiastically supporting a man of such obscene words and deeds as Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “What, is it weird that I talk so much about being sexually attracted to my daughter?”) they have any moral high ground to preach from.
Dorito Mussolini himself weighed in, suggesting Bee should lose her job, because it’s much more fun to casually shit on the first amendment than to slog through all that other boring President work like “Learning about the complexities of diplomacy with North Korea before demanding a Nobel Prize.”
Anyway, on the one hand, it’s appalling to see the President of the United States using his pulpit to attempt to punish a private citizen for critical speech. On the other, it’s kind of fun because he totally fucking failed, which is the one thing he does best.
And leading conservative intellectual Niall Ferguson apparently colluded with young Republicans at Stanford to acquire “opposition research” on a liberal student, and I honestly can’t imagine anything more pathetic than that. Niall’s whining on the internet about conservatism going extinct on campuses, and hey, maybe part of the reason for that is how your movement has devolved into a giant pile of the shittiest people on Earth acting like total scumbags? Like, say, award-winning historians digging up dirt on fucking college kids? For example?
Also, a Florida Republican, a Rubio campaign figure and former state lawmaker, is somehow confused, and even indignant, that her comparison of former President Barack Obama to a cartoon monkey is being interpreted by libtard snowflakes as kinda racist. That happened in real life, friends. Real. Life.
And Rick Santorum said something stupid. Story at 11.
The feral rubes of Cult 45 have turned on Trey Gowdy for refusing to parrot Pumpkin Spice Himmler’s ridiculous “spygate” lies. Gowdy sat alone in his study, gazing mournfully out the window while reflecting on his own role in his once-proud political party’s decent into madness and HAHAHAH just kidding self-awareness is for CUCKS.
The latest target of the Mueller investigation is Jared Kushner’s close, personal, friend, and holy shit, y’all, Jar-Jar has FRIENDS?!?!? I’m having a hard time figuring out how anyone could sit down and listen to that creepy, reedy, ghost-of-a-car-alarm voice of his for any substantial length of time.
I feel like I’ve written thirty different versions of this paragraph, but here we go again…the Candycorn Skidmark tipped off the markets about the month’s jobs data, which he is absolutely not allowed to do. Once again, this would have been the single biggest scandal of the entire fucking Obama administration, the GOP would’ve dragged him from his bed and crucified him on the White House lawn, and it’s BARELY A STORY here on the malfunctioning Ferris Wheel of Scandal we’ve been trapped on for FIVE HUNDRED FUCKING DAYS.
Hilarious little article on Politico about how the Shart of the Deal is actually exceptionally crappy at deals. The Apprentice negotiation details are particularly choice. I tell you folks, as an experienced haggler…I’m confident I could take him.
I have never enjoyed anything in my life as much as Scott Pruitt enjoys wasting taxpayer money. Now we find out he’s been spending thousands of dollars on fancypants pens. PENS. There’s a certain breed of douchey businessjag types who subscribe to the notion of the Ridiculously Overpriced Pen as a status symbol. Me, I think that’s silly. I’ll spend 80 bucks total on pens over the course of my entire life, thanks. Leaves more money for the really important things, like superhero masks and bathrobes.
Are there any spending scandals left for Pruitt? Is there any more corruption he can squeeze in? Front page of the Post tomorrow: “EPA Chief Pruitt Employs ‘Toenail Steward’ to Preserve His Clippings for Posterity, at $350,000 annual salary.”
…and then by Thursday we find out he was having the toenail clippings gold plated.
And YES, somehow, there are STILL MORE PRUITT CORRUPTION SCANDALS.
Let’s round up all the North Korea news real quick, just so we can appreciate how thoroughly our Idiot Manchild President has been owned, pwned, and otherwise totally cucked by this ass-backwards third world dictatorship.
So Weehands McNodick un-cancels the Singapore summit, only with expectations downgraded from “I’ll be coming home with all their nukes in the trunk of the car” to “Here’s my number so call me maybe?” PISS IN OUR TIME.
And this North Korean spy, spymaster really, gets invited into the Oval Office (again, the sort of legitimacy these thugs have been horny for for decades), and he gives Fat Q*Bert a comically oversized letter, which simultaneous plays to his ego, AND sets up a photo op where his tiny, inadequate hands look even tinier and inadequater.
Meanwhile, the much-ballyhooed destruction of NK’s nuclear test site, praised by the rightwing nutjobosphere as an unprecedented concession extracted by a master dealmaker…was probably faked.
Oh, and just to really rub America’s face in shit, we have to pay for these dirtbags’ hotel in Singapore, because Kim Jong-un is a broke-ass scrub, but we have to be “discreet” about at so as not to wound the broke-ass scrub’s pride.
GAWD this is embarrassing. The American President getting played, over and over again, by these 10-cent autocrat hooligans WHO CAN’T PAY FOR THEIR OWN DAMN HOTEL. It’s like investing all your money a ponzi scheme run by a hamster.
Hey, remember that German ambassador nominee? The one that Dems held up for weeks because of what a bad fucking idea it was to make him an ambassador? Well, holy fuckballs, it was a BAD FUCKING IDEA to make him an ambassador! I’m gonna do something I would normally never do, and post a link to Breitbart, where Ric Grenell (which autocorrects, amusingly, to Grendel) talks about “empowering” Trumpy right-wing elements in Europe which is NOT YOUR JOB, BRO.
Seriously, I’m not gonna claim to be an expert in international relations, but this assclown thinks he’ll just sit down with Angela Merkel and go, “Yeah, I’m here to advocate for your domestic opponents, now make with the diplomacy, lady!” and, um…that isn’t going to go very well.
In the midst of all his greater atrocities, Baron Fatfuk refused to recognize Pride Month for the second year running, because he’s as petty as he is evil. Just the latest in a series of actions that declare, “I’m only for the shittiest straight white fake Christians among you, and if you’re not the type to attend one of my hate rallies, you’re just a little bit less than fully human.”
And the President is still hiding his wife from the public, which is just one more super normal thing that’s happening. The First Lady Disappearing for 3 Weeks Without Explanation is like, the “vanilla” of Things Having to do with the First Lady.
I guess the big news is the Flock of Assholes Drumpf hilariously calls his “legal team” leaking the memo they sent to the Mueller investigation to the Failing New York Times. The memo is such a shitty memo that Devin Nunes’ memos, previously thought to be history’s shittiest memos, are laughing at this memo because it is so much shittier.
The gist of the memo is that because Government Cheese Goebbels is the President, “the law” is not really a thing for him. He doesn’t have to obey any stupid subpoenas, and he can’t obstruct justice because the Justice Department works for him, personally, and they have to do what he says, like if he called up Rod Rosenstein and told him he has to go down the hall and give Jeff Sessions a lap dance, Rowdy Roddy has to say “How hard would you like me to grind, Mr. President?”
Anyway, Rudy Giuliani is stumbling around the various cable networks, practically daring Mueller to take his legal D-team to court, which is a bit like Rush Limbaugh challenging LeBron to a game of Horse, but then, Rudy still thinks he can solve his client’s very large, very serious legal problems with TV appearances, so perhaps we should just say “bless his little heart” and walk away.
Seriously, Rudy is the worst goddamn helper I have ever seen. Highlights from recent appearances include “The President can pardon himself not that he’s done anything wrong but he totally can hey maybe he just wants to pardon himself for being awesome like as a joke,” and “Getting caught lying about dictating Junior’s bullshit letter about his God Yes I Want to Collude With You meeting is exactly why we don’t want Don to testify because holy shit does he ever a lie a lot.”
…Rudy’s kind of the Pippin of the Drumpf “Fellowship,” if you take my meaning. As if to prove my point, while I was writing, the asshole literally suggested Blump could not be indicted for COMMITTING A MURDER THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHED HIM COMMIT while he was in office.
And Michael Cohen wanted to be Mayor of New York City. Fuck, y’all, I’m just gonna write “Eat Me” on everything in the pantry in the hope that I can grow my way out of this jagoff Wonderland.
*SHOWER CAP FACT: I have pissed on Rod Blagojevich’s lawn. A few times, actually.