Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Puerto Rico is Just Like Katrina, Only With Tons More Presidential Golf and Whining
Looking back, the Presidential debates really did us a disservice last year. The moderators failed to ask the questions that would turn out to be relevant. Questions like “Does it matter to you whether an American citizen lives or dies, assuming that citizen is Puerto Rican?” or “During a humanitarian crisis, will you lash out at the victims for disrupting your weekly golf vacation?”
Yes, as Puerto Ricans suffer and die, President Turdweasel wields the power of his post and his pulpit tirelessly in the cause of…blame deflection. Especially since the Washington Post published an article laying out precisely how his indifference and inaction worsened the crisis, SHARTUS wants everybody to know those shiftless, lazy brown people are to blame for their own problems, having so foolishly placed their island in the path of a hurricane (Puerto Rico’s an island, by the way. Surrounded by big, fat, sloppy ocean water. A lot of people don’t know that). Besides, goddammit, after a tiring week of working to crush black athletes’ speech rights, HE HAS EARNED HIS GOLF TIME AND ALSO PROBABLY A THIRD SCOOP GET RIGHT ON THAT GENERAL KELLY.
(While I’m writing this, Sharty McFly tweets out that Puerto Ricans shouldn’t believe the “fake news,” by which one assumes he means their own direct experiences of trying to survive without power or clean water, but instead believe his own version of events, where everyone is riding around on unicorns talking about how magnificent their President is.)
Moving on, HHS is forbidding employees from participating in regional Obamacare outreach/sign-up events. See, they can’t prevent you from HAVING the right to affordable health insurance, but if they do their damnedest to keep you from KNOWING about that right, well, maybe a few extra poor folks will die, and we all know how much Paul Ryan loves holding fundraising dances out in Potter’s Field.
You sort of expect them to pursue this tactic more and more in the future. Like, they’ll build a bunch of new highways, cover them in tarps and blankets, and then sit by the side of the road, snickering at all the poor schmucks still stuck in traffic during their morning communities.
I guess young Jared Kushner didn’t tell the Senate Intelligence Committee that he was conducting government business from a private e-mail address like some sort of Hillary Clinton. In fact, the government only learned about this
lie memory lapse because Jar-Jar’s lawyer fell for a prankster’s hoax.
Hmmm…this may be a new avenue for the Russia investigation. Maybe if we take these dopes out for a night of competitive improv, they’ll get even sloppier and spill the remaining beans. “Ok, I need an audience suggestion for a Place You’d Commit Treason In…the Seychelles, good! Now can I get the name for, let’s say, a Russian Oligarch to Serve as an Intermediary Between Your Campaign and the Kremlin?”
Speaking of Kushner, he’s being sued for being a shitty slumlord! Hey, remember when we weren’t governed by shitty slumlords? Not to get all partisan but…I liked those times better.
Anyway, Politico reports that Jared’s boneheaded recklessness has almost certainly led to his devices and data being hacked by foreign powers. I dunno. Seems kinda redundant, since you can already count on President Shartcannon gleefully spouting classified intel to show off for visiting dignitaries.
The Melting Sherbet Manatee has taken to telling people that he totally woulda repealed Obamacare, but they fell just shy a vote shy because there was a Senator in the hospital.
Now, there were no Senators in the hospital, which is really quite easy to uncover, as there are only 100 of them and they’re all pretty famous (well, maybe not you, Steve Daines) and therefore fairly easy to keep track of.
Makes you wonder why he’d even attempt a lie so pathetically obvious? I mean, you’d need to be instinctively dishonest, hopelessly stupid, and reflexively unwilling to take any responsibility whatsoever to even ATTEMPT such a brazen…
…hang on, I get it now.
Anyway. Secretary of Trophy Wives Steve Mnuchin didn’t like a federal study that demonstrated the Mnuchin-friendly tax cut Mnuchin spends all his time pimping is bad for the working class…so he took the study down! He’s a real Gordian Knot Cutter, that Mnuchbag.
In the wake of a racist hate incident at U.S. Air Force Academy’s prep school, Superintendent Lt. Gen. Jay Silveria gathered the cadets to deliver a righteous sermon/ass-reaming on the subject of being a piece-of-shit racist scrotal tumor. It must be noted that Silveria failed to identify any “very fine people” on the hate-mongering side. Boy howdy, that military coup can’t come fast enough, AMIRIGHT?
Didja see that poll showing Slobbery Rage Preacher Roy Moore up a measly 6 points on his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones, in the Alabama senate race? That’s a fightin’ chance, Resisters! Let’s all pitch in and help send Doug to the Senate! It might take awhile to get the smell of burnt crosses out of Jeff Sessions’ old seat, but it’d be worth it!
Fresh off his no-consequences-for-a-lifetime-of-twisting-law-enforcement-to-serve-jackbooted-white-supremacy Presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio announced his intention to spend more time with his one true love, Birtherism, and somehow Sarah Huckabee Sanders trots out every day to condescendingly reprimand us for suggesting that any of this, from pardoning a fuck like Sheriff Joe to doing all he can to squash black athletes’ free speech rights to abandoning Puerto Rico to die, implies that Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Racist.”) is in any way racist.
Oh hey, the Department of “Justice” is trying to sink Jeff Sessions‘ grubby, elven fingers into the personal Facebook account info of private citizens who had the audacity to protest this shitty, shitty regime’s shitty shittiness.
No biggie, just an administration that’s already demonstrated an alarming disrespect for the rule of law, collecting personal information on political opponents. I bet they just want to send everybody invitations to Ol’ Beauregard’s birthday party, where the centerpiece is everyone gathering around the veranda to watch injured racing greyhounds get euthanized.
Top Shart House financial advisor Gary Cohn, eager to sell his boss’s tax “reform” plan, suggested that some middle class families would save around $1,000, which they could then use buy a brand new car, or maybe a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Gary can’t be bothered to understand the minute details of the economics of poorness!
The IMPORTANT thing is that Gary and his American oligarch bridge club, THEY’LL save enough money to buy a water polo team, or a private island, or maybe the last surviving breeding pair of some endangered species which they would then eat just because they can.
Megyn Kelly’s struggles to reinvent herself as a cool, fun, friendly, television personality continue. “Why does everybody focus on the years of unapologetic right-wing propaganda schilling? JUST LET ME BE WHITE OPRAH DAMMIT!”
Speaker of the House/Olympic-Grade Asskisser Paul Ryan says there are no significant differences between him and his beloved God Emperor. Which, for those keeping score at home, puts Ryan and the GOP on the hook for the pussy-grabbing, the very-fine-peopling of Nazis, the leaving-Puerto-Rico-to-die, and, I suppose, the repeatedly-failing-to-repeal-Obamacare.
Somehow in the midst of all of this shit, we have to pay attention to this dumbshit Dr. Seuss story? Look, I get it, we all hate the Drumpfs and pretty much everything they do, but maybe when Melania donates some kids books, we can skip out on pitching that particular fit.
Hey, looks like Michael Grimm, fresh outta prison, wants to run for congress again! Naturally, he’s hired a Shart campaign alum. Perhaps he’ll join with Greg Gianforte to form the Unhinged Violent Lunatic Caucus. They won’t propose any legislation, they’ll just roam the halls of Capitol Hill like a gang from The Warriors.
So, a Dallas police sergeant tried to sue…Black Lives Matter. The hashtag? The idea? Who the fuck knows? Anyhow, a judge told him he can’t sue a movement because DUH. Judge Jeanine and the Fux n’ Frenz crew…did not take the news well.
Maybe Double J and the Morning Hate Brigade will move on to plan B, where they go door to door, demanding a nickel from every black person in America, one at a time. Think of it like reparations in reverse!
Pity poor Tom Price. He saw his cheap grifter boss blowing millions of taxpayer dollars on golf trips every single weekend and figured “nobody’ll notice if one lil’ ol’ Cabinet Secretary were to drop one lil’ ol’ million on chartered jets, right?” (It’s totally nuts that a guy with a long, documented history of abusing his government post for personal profit would abuse his government post for personal profit.)
After he got nailed to the wall by Politico, he even offered to pay the money back! Well…some of it. Not “most” of it, or “more than half of it,” or even, to be honest, “terribly much of it,” but…some.
Oddly, this feeble gesture wasn’t enough, and he got shitcanned…er, “submitted his resignation” anyway.
(This space provided to allow the reader emotional space to weep for Tom Price. Please take your time. If you hear cacophonous laughter, don’t worry, that’s just me.)
Tom, as you transition to private life, I wish you crotch rot and gout. I wish you papercuts and wedgies and stubbed toes. And most of all, I wish you COACH. Long journeys in coach, with endless delays, sandwiched between two dudes who never, ever stop farting.
May all your fruit salads be filled with underripe honeydew, you shifty fuckwad. Go away forever.
Anyway, hopefully the Shart Administration will provide guidance on exactly how much taxpayer money you’re allowed to piss away on personal extravagances before you get fired. That way an enterprising young administrative-state-deconstructor like Scott Pruitt can see when he’s bumping up against the threshold, and cancel the steakhouse dinners so as to preserve the necessary mad money for his sound-proof fapping booth.
Heh…right on cue, VA Secretary David Shulkin, who’s managed to remain relatively unnoticed in the day-to-day shitstorm thus far, got caught sticking taxpayers with the bill for his and his wife’s fancy European vacation. Well, I’ve never been to Wimbledon myself, but at least I can say I paid for some corrupt dickbag to go.
Anyhow, that’s all the news that’s fit to scream at the television about. We’re at, what…about 13 months before we get to Vote in the Goddamn Midterms? Whew. Let’s hang onto that, folks.