Tom Price Spent $23,715 on this Post, But Jeff Sessions Doesn’t Think It Counts as Free Speech

I tell you folks, shit’s so crazy it’s like we’re playing paintball with bat crap. Shit could only be crazier if, I dunno, the GOP nominated a member of the Taliban to run for an open Senate seat.

…wait, what? (Reads about last night’s Alabama Senate primary runoff.)

Ok. I’m just about done, folks. Anybody know how to hibernate?

(Before we move on, let’s take a quick moment to laugh at Dorito Mussolini’s sad attempt to cover up his ginormous Alabama failure by deleting his tweets endorsing the Quite-Tall-But-Still-Unsuccessful Luther Strange. Does he think we didn’t notice? It’s like 1984 for abnormally unintelligent children.)

Anyhow, is anyone else sick of the dumbfuck GOP base rampaging unchecked around the countryside, fucking up everything in sight like Zombies That Eat Butts Instead of Brains Cuz They Won’t Do What Those Snooty Coastal Elites Tell Them To?

We keep learning more and more about how the Russians used social media ads to influence the election, and it turns out the chief strategy was basically Rile Up the Dumb and the Racist with Obviously Untrue Shit But Don’t Worry They’ll Never Fact Check Anything That Tells Them to Hate the People They Want to Hate. (See Gate, Pizza.)

(Oh, and the left wasn’t immune, as some of Vlad’s Ads aimed to push the ragier bros from the Bernie movement into the waiting arms of Useful Idiot Jill Stein.)

There was a poll out today that says nearly half of all Americans don’t know Puerto Ricans are American citizens, and of that near-half, NINETY-SIX PERCENT are Il Douche backers. “I love the poorly educated” indeed.

I don’t want to be controversial here, but this whole thing where we’re governed by the dumbest and angriest among us doesn’t seem to be working out.

Meanwhile, that dude who wrote a bunch of the Blockhead Right’s favorite fake news stories (Big hits include Obama Was a Gay Muslim & George Soros Pays Protestors) died from an overdose.

You shitty fucker. I hope you go to special hell populated exclusively by the dumbasses you misled, and you spend all eternity trying to get them to hook up your cable.

See that thing where North Koreans are calling up anybody they can get ahold of to figure out whether or not the Tantruming Toddler really wants to start nuclear war? “What’s this fucking idiot thinking?” “DOES he think?” “Is ‘Rosie O’Donnell’ code for some sort of Doomsday Device?”

Our Attorney General has some…interesting ideas about free speech. Ol’ Beauregard doesn’t like it when Librul Antifa Demon(strator)s hold protests saying “White Supremacists Are Bad,” but also that the NFL should make a rule where football players aren’t allowed to mouth (er, kneel) off at work.

See, Milo Yannapedo has speech rights, but Colin Kaepernick doesn’t. Milo’s WHITE, you see.

For extra fun, Sessions had protesters banned from his speech about free speech. Maybe Jefferson just wants to personally select what is and isn’t legally-permitted speech on a case by case basis. Also, he thinks your boss can fire you for being gay. He’s got some sort of patchwork, Mr. Potato Head Constitution, I guess.

The acting head of the DEA is stepping down at the end of the week, because he feels the President of the United States has no respect for the rule of law. And America was like “Yeah, sounds about right, come to think of it I wonder why we haven’t seen more of this,” because we live in such normal, bland, boring, times.

A poppin’ fresh University of Wisconsin-Madison study shows that the Wisco GOP’s voter ID law did exactly what it was intended to; kept enough African-Americans from exercising their voting rights to perpetuate Republican power even as they lost the people’s approval. And thus does Ron Johnson, whose staff won’t allow him to handle grown-up scissors, get to blunder around the Senate floor, loudly wondering where the vending machines are, for six more years.

Hey, Shart, Jr. turned his Secret Service protection back on. Guess he got all those documents shredded. When they make the movie about these fucks, Junior’s not gonna be portrayed as some elegant, Cary-Grant-esque master criminal, y’know?

Puerto Rico looks more and more like Trump’s Katr-WAIT LOOK OVER THERE AT THOSE BLACK GUYS THEY SHOULD KNOW THEIR PLACE AMIRIGHT?

Yup yup, the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s really riding this anthem thing hard.

Word is, Sharty McFly takes his culture warrior role very seriously. Much more seriously than his commander-in-chief role, his steward of the economy role, his legislative shepherd role…Yeah, he’s somehow convinced himself that if he can just force the NFL to shut the black guys up, his base’ll forget about all those silly jobs he promised.

God knows that one fuckhead Pennsylvania fire chief is on board. Fuckhead wants everyone to know how unfair it is that folks are calling him “racist.” That’s like Andrew W.K. getting upset at someone for suggesting he enjoys partying, so fuck Fuckhead Fire Chief.

And yeah, there are still millions of Americans without power or potable water in Puerto Rico. The administration’s strategy for dealing with this humanitarian crisis is…to desperately try to sweep it under the rug! They’re blocking members of Congress from visiting the island, they’re lowering expectations for success, they’re even reminding us that…(sigh) that Puerto Rico is an island, and thus there is an ocean involved.

And of course, they’re trying REALLY REALLY HARD to get us to focus on football players.

There’s a bunch of talk about the Jones Act, which requires goods shipped between…you know what, rather than straight David-Clarke-style plagiarism, why don’t you just read about it here?

Anyway, the Jones Act tends to get waived during national disasters, because, y’know, when it comes to helping people who need help, your first priority tends to be making sure folks get the help they need, wherever it comes from. Assuming you have some semblance of decency.

Ah, but when the people who need the help aren’t white, and when your base doesn’t think they’re even American citizens…well, in that case, especially if you happen to be an exceptionally shitty human being, well, then you might be stupid/cruel enough to say that you’re placing wealthy businessfucker’s interests above the needs of suffering/dying human beings.

I see young Jar-Jar registered to vote as a girl Jar-Jar rather than a boy Jar-Jar. My sources tell me he also listed his occupation as “pony,” and his party affiliation as “yes please tee hee.”

Oh, and Kushner’s lawyer got duped by a prankster, because that’s just how we haze Team Shart’s legal team, I guess. Spicey’s lawyering up, so maybe somebody should call them and pretend to have pics of Sean peeing in the bushes while hiding from the press.

Roger Stone sat down for a friendly chat with the House Intelligence Committee, figuring that everyone would be so dazzled by his fancy suit and shiny hair that they wouldn’t notice he wasn’t answering their questions. They noticed, and now Roger’s likely to have earned himself a subpoena of his very own. Nice job, Rog!

We keep learning about all the fun ways Tom Price has been spending our tax money on Tom Price. Private jets to have lunch with your son? MURICA FIRST! Shartboy allegedly isn’t happy, but seems oddly uninterested in firing a guy just cuz he’s burning through fat stacks of the public’s hard-earned cash. Meanwhile, Price has stolen the Lunar Roving Vehicle from the Smithsonian in order to run to Walmart for shaving cream and Funyons.

Hey, speaking of egregious misuse of taxpayer funds, Scott Pruitt‘s merrily billing We the People twenty-five grand for some kind of creepy soundproof booth for his office. I guess Scotty-Boy doesn’t want his trademark moaning to tip off his underlings that he’s wanking to videos of panic-stricken polar bears on melting ice rafts AGAIN.

Oh, and it turns on Pruitt’s taken his share of expensive trips on our dime, too. I liked the old swamp better, is all I’m saying.

Bob Corker announced his retirement from the Senate, opening up what’s sure to be a bloody primary in Tennessee. I bet the GOP runoff comes down to a transplanted Kim Davis and Some Jag Who Promises to Create Jobs by Building a Koran-Burning Factory Outside of Chattanooga.

Corker’s exit is the maraschino cherry on top of Mitch McConnell’s shit week. Even SHARTUS is mocking him behind his back, to which I say, “Back off, making fun of Yertle is appropriating our culture.”

And Don the Con rolled out his Let’s Cut My Taxes, It’s the Whole Reason I Ran, You Stupid Fucking Rubes Plan today.

Now, Smallhands Magoo insists the tax plan won’t benefit him. “Believe me,” he said in his speech today, and I think it’s actually kinda cute that he still imagines anyone trusts him. Drumpf concluded his remarks by inviting the press to follow him into a nearby sewer, insisting “You’ll float too.”

So, his proposition revokes the Alternative Minimum Tax. While Donnie Darko has refused to release his tax returns (and he sure as shit ain’t showing ’em to us now), remember way back when Rachel Maddow got ahold of a few pages? Yeah, you might check out what eliminating the AMT would do for the Grifter in Chief.

And it goes without saying that the Misshapen Traffic Cone wants to eliminate the estate tax, which will benefit his shitty kids to the tune of tens of millions of dollars. Is that really even necessary? I mean, Ivanka’s been paying Eric in potato salad for years now. (He thinks it’s currency, poor dumb kid.)

Anyway, the whole thing blows up the deficit, tosses another ten-ton weight on the wrong side of the inequality see-saw, and actually raises taxes on a bunch of us sucker non-millionaires, but don’t worry…once it kicks in Paul Ryan will happily tell us we can’t afford silly extravagances like “roads” and “education for our children” anymore.

Hilariously, Tangerine Idi Amin threatened Indiana Democrat Joe Donnelly that he’d come to Indiana and campaign against him if he didn’t support the tax bill. The day after the candidate he endorsed got his ass kicked in Alabama.  Heh.

It’s like the Cardinals talking shit on the Cubs after the Cubs clinched the division in the Cardinals’ home park, which happened while I was writing this, so forgive me if I take the rest of the night to cling to a little fleeting joy in the shitstorm. Be well, Resisters!  Even the Cardinals fans!*

*You sure did lose to the Cubs tonight, though.