Looking back, the Presidential debates really did us a disservice last year. The moderators failed to ask the questions that would turn out to be relevant. Questions like “Does it matter to you whether an American citizen lives or dies, assuming that citizen is Puerto Rican?” or “During a humanitarian crisis, will you lash out at the victims for disrupting your weekly golf vacation?”

Yes, as Puerto Ricans suffer and die, President Turdweasel wields the power of his post and his pulpit tirelessly in the cause of…blame deflection. Especially since the Washington Post published an article laying out precisely how his indifference and inaction worsened the crisis, SHARTUS wants everybody to know those shiftless, lazy brown people are to blame for their own problems, having so foolishly placed their island in the path of a hurricane (Puerto Rico’s an island, by the way. Surrounded by big, fat, sloppy ocean water. A lot of people don’t know that). Besides, goddammit, after a tiring week of working to crush black athletes’ speech rights, HE HAS EARNED HIS GOLF TIME AND ALSO PROBABLY A THIRD SCOOP GET RIGHT ON THAT GENERAL KELLY.

(While I’m writing this, Sharty McFly tweets out that Puerto Ricans shouldn’t believe the “fake news,” by which one assumes he means their own direct experiences of trying to survive without power or clean water, but instead believe his own version of events, where everyone is riding around on unicorns talking about how magnificent their President is.)

Moving on, HHS is forbidding employees from participating in regional Obamacare outreach/sign-up events. See, they can’t prevent you from HAVING the right to affordable health insurance, but if they do their damnedest to keep you from KNOWING about that right, well, maybe a few extra poor folks will die, and we all know how much Paul Ryan loves holding fundraising dances out in Potter’s Field.

You sort of expect them to pursue this tactic more and more in the future. Like, they’ll build a bunch of new highways, cover them in tarps and blankets, and then sit by the side of the road, snickering at all the poor schmucks still stuck in traffic during their morning communities.

I guess young Jared Kushner didn’t tell the Senate Intelligence Committee that he was conducting government business from a private e-mail address like some sort of Hillary Clinton. In fact, the government only learned about this lie memory lapse because Jar-Jar’s lawyer fell for a prankster’s hoax.

Hmmm…this may be a new avenue for the Russia investigation. Maybe if we take these dopes out for a night of competitive improv, they’ll get even sloppier and spill the remaining beans. “Ok, I need an audience suggestion for a Place You’d Commit Treason In…the Seychelles, good! Now can I get the name for, let’s say, a Russian Oligarch to Serve as an Intermediary Between Your Campaign and the Kremlin?”

Speaking of Kushner, he’s being sued for being a shitty slumlord! Hey, remember when we weren’t governed by shitty slumlords? Not to get all partisan but…I liked those times better.

Anyway, Politico reports that Jared’s boneheaded recklessness has almost certainly led to his devices and data being hacked by foreign powers. I dunno. Seems kinda redundant, since you can already count on President Shartcannon gleefully spouting classified intel to show off for visiting dignitaries.

The Melting Sherbet Manatee has taken to telling people that he totally woulda repealed Obamacare, but they fell just shy a vote shy because there was a Senator in the hospital.

Now, there were no Senators in the hospital, which is really quite easy to uncover, as there are only 100 of them and they’re all pretty famous (well, maybe not you, Steve Daines) and therefore fairly easy to keep track of.

Makes you wonder why he’d even attempt a lie so pathetically obvious? I mean, you’d need to be instinctively dishonest, hopelessly stupid, and reflexively unwilling to take any responsibility whatsoever to even ATTEMPT such a brazen…

…hang on, I get it now.

Anyway. Secretary of Trophy Wives Steve Mnuchin didn’t like a federal study that demonstrated the Mnuchin-friendly tax cut Mnuchin spends all his time pimping is bad for the working class…so he took the study down! He’s a real Gordian Knot Cutter, that Mnuchbag.

In the wake of a racist hate incident at U.S. Air Force Academy’s prep school, Superintendent Lt. Gen. Jay Silveria gathered the cadets to deliver a righteous sermon/ass-reaming on the subject of being a piece-of-shit racist scrotal tumor. It must be noted that Silveria failed to identify any “very fine people” on the hate-mongering side. Boy howdy, that military coup can’t come fast enough, AMIRIGHT?

Didja see that poll showing Slobbery Rage Preacher Roy Moore up a measly 6 points on his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones, in the Alabama senate race? That’s a fightin’ chance, Resisters! Let’s all pitch in and help send Doug to the Senate! It might take awhile to get the smell of burnt crosses out of Jeff Sessions’ old seat, but it’d be worth it!

Fresh off his no-consequences-for-a-lifetime-of-twisting-law-enforcement-to-serve-jackbooted-white-supremacy Presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio announced his intention to spend more time with his one true love, Birtherism, and somehow Sarah Huckabee Sanders trots out every day to condescendingly reprimand us for suggesting that any of this, from pardoning a fuck like Sheriff Joe to doing all he can to squash black athletes’ free speech rights to abandoning Puerto Rico to die, implies that Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Racist.”) is in any way racist.

Oh hey, the Department of “Justice” is trying to sink Jeff Sessions‘ grubby, elven fingers into the personal Facebook account info of private citizens who had the audacity to protest this shitty, shitty regime’s shitty shittiness.

No biggie, just an administration that’s already demonstrated an alarming disrespect for the rule of law, collecting personal information on political opponents. I bet they just want to send everybody invitations to Ol’ Beauregard’s birthday party, where the centerpiece is everyone gathering around the veranda to watch injured racing greyhounds get euthanized.

Top Shart House financial advisor Gary Cohn, eager to sell his boss’s tax “reform” plan, suggested that some middle class families would save around $1,000, which they could then use buy a brand new car, or maybe a box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Gary can’t be bothered to understand the minute details of the economics of poorness!

The IMPORTANT thing is that Gary and his American oligarch bridge club, THEY’LL save enough money to buy a water polo team, or a private island, or maybe the last surviving breeding pair of some endangered species which they would then eat just because they can.

Megyn Kelly’s struggles to reinvent herself as a cool, fun, friendly, television personality continue. “Why does everybody focus on the years of unapologetic right-wing propaganda schilling? JUST LET ME BE WHITE OPRAH DAMMIT!”

Speaker of the House/Olympic-Grade Asskisser Paul Ryan says there are no significant differences between him and his beloved God Emperor. Which, for those keeping score at home, puts Ryan and the GOP on the hook for the pussy-grabbing, the very-fine-peopling of Nazis, the leaving-Puerto-Rico-to-die, and, I suppose, the repeatedly-failing-to-repeal-Obamacare.

Somehow in the midst of all of this shit, we have to pay attention to this dumbshit Dr. Seuss story? Look, I get it, we all hate the Drumpfs and pretty much everything they do, but maybe when Melania donates some kids books, we can skip out on pitching that particular fit.

Hey, looks like Michael Grimm, fresh outta prison, wants to run for congress again! Naturally, he’s hired a Shart campaign alum. Perhaps he’ll join with Greg Gianforte to form the Unhinged Violent Lunatic Caucus. They won’t propose any legislation, they’ll just roam the halls of Capitol Hill like a gang from The Warriors.

So, a Dallas police sergeant tried to sue…Black Lives Matter. The hashtag? The idea? Who the fuck knows? Anyhow, a judge told him he can’t sue a movement because DUH. Judge Jeanine and the Fux n’ Frenz crew…did not take the news well.

Maybe Double J and the Morning Hate Brigade will move on to plan B, where they go door to door, demanding a nickel from every black person in America, one at a time. Think of it like reparations in reverse!

Pity poor Tom Price. He saw his cheap grifter boss blowing millions of taxpayer dollars on golf trips every single weekend and figured “nobody’ll notice if one lil’ ol’ Cabinet Secretary were to drop one lil’ ol’ million on chartered jets, right?” (It’s totally nuts that a guy with a long, documented history of abusing his government post for personal profit would abuse his government post for personal profit.)

After he got nailed to the wall by Politico, he even offered to pay the money back! Well…some of it. Not “most” of it, or “more than half of it,” or even, to be honest, “terribly much of it,” but…some.

Oddly, this feeble gesture wasn’t enough, and he got shitcanned…er, “submitted his resignation” anyway.

(This space provided to allow the reader emotional space to weep for Tom Price. Please take your time. If you hear cacophonous laughter, don’t worry, that’s just me.)

Tom, as you transition to private life, I wish you crotch rot and gout. I wish you papercuts and wedgies and stubbed toes. And most of all, I wish you COACH. Long journeys in coach, with endless delays, sandwiched between two dudes who never, ever stop farting.

May all your fruit salads be filled with underripe honeydew, you shifty fuckwad. Go away forever.

Anyway, hopefully the Shart Administration will provide guidance on exactly how much taxpayer money you’re allowed to piss away on personal extravagances before you get fired. That way an enterprising young administrative-state-deconstructor like Scott Pruitt can see when he’s bumping up against the threshold, and cancel the steakhouse dinners so as to preserve the necessary mad money for his sound-proof fapping booth.

Heh…right on cue, VA Secretary David Shulkin, who’s managed to remain relatively unnoticed in the day-to-day shitstorm thus far, got caught sticking taxpayers with the bill for his and his wife’s fancy European vacation. Well, I’ve never been to Wimbledon myself, but at least I can say I paid for some corrupt dickbag to go.

Anyhow, that’s all the news that’s fit to scream at the television about. We’re at, what…about 13 months before we get to Vote in the Goddamn Midterms? Whew. Let’s hang onto that, folks.